I have emotions. Perhaps I'm human after all...

The only thing that's been slightly bothering me about moving to Australia is the fact that I'm looking forward to it so much. I'm extremely lucky to be part of a very close family. We all live close by, apart from an uncle in South Africa, but even he visits five or six times a year. We're always there for one another. And yet here's me, the black sheep, actually looking forward to moving 10000 miles away.

And my friends - I have lots of friends here that would do anything for me. And yet I've been looking forward to moving without really worrying. My own coldness and nonchalance was really concerning me, I felt an arsehole for not caring about leaving everything here.

That all changed yesterday. After my brief post I went and saw LB. I don't know why it happened but I stood in her house and looked around me, the photos on her mantelpiece, the fish tank in the corner, the pool table in the dining room. Things I've seen a thousand times, and I just broke down.

I started crying like a baby.

She looked at me, walked over in silence, and gave me a huge hug. Then she started crying too.

This morning I met my mother in town and went shopping with her. She wanted to buy TT something for her birthday. My sister works during the day and as it's school holidays over here at the moment mum had my 7 year old niece with her. I suddenly realised that I'm going to miss her growing up.

We went to a cafe and while mum was queuing I took a seat with my niece. She doesn't know that I'm going to Australia yet but she just looked at me and said "I love you Uncle X". Oh shit. I don't know how I managed to control tears again. Twice in 24 hours. Emotions 2, Self control 0.

I know none of you read this, but I still want to say I love you all - My family, my friends, and especially you niece, K. I can't write any more, Emotions have just made it 3 nil...

Sorry

Decision made. Weight lifted. I'm a happy boy and TT is a happy girl

This has to be quick because I've got a train to catch but basically I've finally made the decision - I'm moving to Australia for a bit. I can't stand being away from TT anymore. A massive rainstorm has just kicked off here which I think is a sign!

Fuck you, Barlcays Bank!
Fuck you, town council!
Fuck you, stupid rubbish men!
Fuck you, TV Licensing Department. Oh, I've not actually told you about that one yet have I? Later...

I've just been for a quick walk into town to buy some beer supplies and I notice that today appears to be "cute-arse day". Strange as this town is usually filled with crocadillyheffafuckpigs.

I'll tell y'all more about it later. Many thanks to VUBOQ for linking to me on his page. Appreciate it mate, hope I don't disappoint your readers!

Guinness, Guiness, Guineii. And other stuff...

I've just got a few random comments for today.

Beer labels: Does any beer exist in the world that doesn't feature one of these on their logo:

- wheat sheafs
- stars
- coat of arms
- crown

On a similar theme, what is the best beer logo in the world? Does any beer feature all of those?

Guinness: Are all my friends either Guinness drinkers or gay? No offense to either of course, you're my friends, but it seems that everyone I know is either gay or drinks Guinness, and I'm neither. Everyone I know seems to fall into one category or the other. If you drink Guinness and you're gay I'd love to hear from you.

Guinness: If you're one of my Guinness drinking friends and I offer to take you out for a few pints is it acceptable to say "Fancy coming for a few Guinnei?" Is that the plural of Guinness? I've always said it, and people seem to know what I mean, but a quick google search shows that it's obviously not a popular term.

Guinness: (I'm not being sponsored by them I promise!) I only just this second realised that Guinness has two n's. I've had to go back through the post thusfar and correct every spelling. Guiness looks fine to me, I think the world is wrong and I'm right...

Friends and family: None of my friends know about this blog. Is it normal to be 100% anonymous? A couple of them know I've started writing a blog but I've only mentioned it to the non-computer people because I know they wouldn't have a clue about how to start finding it. Even TT, my partner, doesn't know I've started writing this even though I know about hers. Anyone else doing it in secret?

Anonymous blogs: I wonder how long this will stay anonymous for? I've already started getting random results from google searches and stuff. TT's blog is really popular and read by loads of people. I wonder how long it will be before someone that reads hers stumbles across mine and puts 2 and 2 together. I don't care though, it's almost part of the experiment. Anyone had someone "undesirable" discover their blog?

Finally: I know from reading other blogs that bullet points are bad, but hey, I'd rather post regular than wait until something exciting happens to write about. That's my form of an apology for this "almost bullet point" post.

[Just thought of something else equally pointless, only 30 seconds after posting]

Zits: I've got a huge zit on the back of my neck, right where it's visible. Why does God, My Genes, or Something Else curse me with zits even though I'm beyond puberty age? What bollocks. Pass the Clearasil someone....

Nerdy stuff x 3 and thoughts of pastures new

I was watching the Simpsons earlier in Media player and I wanted a picture of a particular scene. I paused the episode at the exact moment I wanted and hit Print Screen. I then pasted the content in my usual graphics program, Paint Shop Pro. But the area of screen that should have shown Bart was just a black square. I then tried using PSP's own screen grab tool. Same result. Tried pasting into Paint, same result. I then realised that if I moved the graphics app over the media player window the black area then showed the image below. Very odd behaviour! Anyone know how I can get a screen shot of the Simpsons?

Another thing that's annoying me: I have a Nokia phone and recently borrowed a friends blue-tooth adapter to copy the sms's from the phone onto my computer. This worked fine and I gave the adapter back. Today I needed to read through the messages but the Nokia PC Suite software will not work unless there is a phone connected. That's bollocks isn't it? I know the sms's are on the computer, I can see 4mb of backup files but the software completely refuses to function without the blue tooth adapter. Don't suppose anyone has experience of this?

Third and final nerdy thing. The office suppliers, Staples, have a pretty good offer on at the moment in my local store. I wanted to back some stuff up so I went to buy a spare hard disk. I was expecting to buy just a usual HD, fit it and use it. But when I went in the store they had this thing called a "buffalo back-up drive". It's an external HD, 160Gb, connects via USB and comes with reasonable back up software. And it's only £50. That's not bad is it? I've now backed up two desktops and my laptop without having to reach for a screwdriver.

I'll stop with the nerdy stuff now. I'm now going to see LB and moan to her about the duty free smokes she gave me yesterday. And then we're going to get pissed to celebrate my successful application for an Australian work permit. That may sound like a poor excuse for drinking beer but not if you think about it some more: Beer drinking is an essential part of Aussie culture so if I'm going to work there and fit in I have to keep practicing don't I? You're right, it's a poor excuse....!

I'll have a rectum flavoured brain burger with extra udder please, miss!

If you're about to eat then probably don't read this. If you have a child that eats school dinners get ready to start making sarnies.

Most people that live in the UK and Australia have heard of Jamie Oliver and his school dinner campaign. I don't know if the show got aired in US or not. For those not familiar, Jamie Oliver is a well known british chef and about 2 years ago he got angry when he discovered that british schools were providing meals to school kids on a budget of something like 30p per child. To achieve this they were buying shitty ingrediants and serving fries with everything.

So Jamie visited other schools around europe to see how they were doing things and then started putting pressure on the government to change things here. He's eventually been successful because the goverment have now banned junk food from school menus.

More specifically they've banned processed food made from Brains, lungs, rectum, stomach, feet, oesophagus, spinal cord, testicles, large intestine, small intestine, spleen and udder. Shit! All my favourite foods banned!

The thing that makes me even queasier is that about a year ago I happened to be at a British school in Germany and due to european law they already had this ban coming into effect. So they laid on a massive free dinner for all staff and visitors to clear the freezers. I wish I'd gone for the vegetarian option....

I'm a freak beacon

Some people are just freaks. That shit happens - it's probably not their fault, just an unfortunate result of family members having sex with one another or something like that. But why do they always want to talk to me?!

There must be something about me that makes these people want to talk to me. I think it's probably genetic because it happens to my mother too.

Last night was a prime example. I went to a shop to buy some beer and as soon as I walked in I could hear someone singing. Not drunken singing, just a weirdo singing "tra la la, tra la la, dah de dah de dah...." or something like that to themselves - a pretty average freak.

I went to the beer aisle and started browsing. Suddenly this weirdo was stood next to me. "Try this one!" he suggested, offering me a bottle of some ale from the shelf. "Er, I don't drink ale, but thanks anyway..." I reply. He just beams at me and says "What do you drink? I'll help you" I reply that I prefer cider and politely decline his offer.

In fact, he's so weird looking that I decide I'll buy some sweets for the girlies first instead to give him a chance to leave the beer section. I wander to the sweet aisle. I pick up some Maltesers, some Caramel crunch, Bounty, etc. I was just looking for a Milky Way when suddenly weirdo appears again.

"Oh! There you are! I've got these for you - I've tried them and they're really nice!" he beams and offers me some Spar Extra-strength white cider. The stuff that tramps and bums drink because it's incredibly cheap and high in alcohol. It's vaguely apple flavoured anti-freeze.

I politely decline his offer again and move quickly to another part of the shop. He's now wandering aimlessly around the store with tramp-juice cider so I rush to the beer section, grab some proper cider and head for the check-out.

I know there's nothing remarkable about this story, but I'm just amazed about the way it always happens to me. Almost daily some weirdo will do something like that to me. Does my body release a pheromone that's attractive to weirdos or something like that? Why are freaks attracted to me?!

Last post of the day I promise!

Just about to leave for the aforementioned party and I'm very happy - P.Dub, author of Killing Conversation, has linked to my bloggy thing. Thank you!

Can you guess what I'm going to cook?

I've just returned from the supermarket. I have:

- 2kg of minced beef
- a bag of chilli's and peppers (capsicums)
- paprika
- tomatoes
- mushrooms
- 2 tins of kidney beans

Guess what I'm planning to cook? I bet you're struggling aren't you? I'm actually planning to cook two versions - a mild "girl" version and an arse-burning "wish-I'd-kept-toilet-paper-in-fridge" version. And I'd better get at it because the party is due to start at 7 which is too bloody early and only two hours away.

It's a sleep over party (I feel like such a teen writing that!) at some girls house. I know there'll be at least one other boy there, but mainly girls, hence two versions of food. I'll report back in the morning...

Another story featuring a blind person

When my grandmother was still alive (God bless her) I used to go and visit her in the nursing home a few times a week. On one visit we were sat chatting when a nurse came in and told her she'd received a letter. I took the envelope and told my Nan that it had a postmark from Southampton. She beamed and explained that it must be from her friend Dotty who lives in Southampton and is blind.

"Blind?" I ask, curious as to how a blind person can write a letter. "Yes, but she's only become blind recently, so she can write letters provided someone finds her a pen and paper - it may be untidy and not particularly straight, but she can write letters" replies my grandmother. She then asked if I'd read the letter to her and passes it to me.

I open the letter and start to read it to her:

"Dear Mary,

I hope this letter finds you well...."

That was it. Well, sort of. You see, at that point Dottys pen had stopped working. You could see the scratch marks on the paper in places but couldn't actually read a thing! I spent the next 5 minutes making up shit about a new cat called Henry while flicking through 3 blank sheets of paper because I didn't want my grandmother to be disappointed!

When I'd finished my grandmother looked a little puzzled and then shrugged "I felt sure she used to hate cats. Oh well...."

I've no idea what reminded me of this story but thinking about it even now, years later, poor Dottys letter still makes me laugh so I thought I'd share.

Smoking polar bears. Don't read unless you're very bored...

One day this baby polar bear say to his mother, "Mum, am I a polar bear?" She replies "Of course you are son" and gets on with cleaning the igloo or whatever polar bears do. Baby bear goes to his father and says "Dad, Am I a polar bear?" and father replies "Your mother and I made you, you're definitely a polar bear" and gets on with nailing a fish to the wall or some other bear-DIY. The baby bear then goes to see his grandpa bear - "Grandpa, mum and dad both say I'm a polar bear. Are they lying to me?" Grandpa says: "No of course not, you're 100% polar bear. Why do you think they're lying?" Baby bear says "Because I'm fucking FREEZING!"

Sorry Nat. I've gone a couple of days without a crap joke and I've had such a boring day I'm struggling for content! Did you know that polar bears are the only animal that don't drink water? I guess this is because it's all frozen?

I watched a TV programme about polar bears tonight and I was surprised to see that they were all yellow coloured rather than white. I conclude that the featured bears all smoke very heavily.

After the excitement of that I went round to M's house with a bottle of vodka. She didn't have any coke so we tried:

Vodka and Ribena: This was a hit
Vodka and coffee: This was good too, but it reminded us both of having 'flu
Vodka and homemade wine: suicidally strong stuff. Puts hairs on your chest
Vodka and milk: yeew. Don't try this. Ever.

We then watched Blazing Saddles, the spoof western. Strangely enough it was all blurry so we talked about sex instead. Pretty dull day, sorry about that.

Boobies and clingfilm

You know LB is on holidays? Well this evening I fancied going out so I went around to see her girlfriend who I figured would probably be bored without her partner (The holiday was booked before they got together which is why they didn't both go).

She already had another girly friend over so once again I was privvy to girly chat that us boys don't usually get to hear. I don't know why they treat me like one of the girls, I wonder if they're trying to tell me something? Anyway, here's the conversation (Tr is LB's girlfirend, E is her [very attractive] best friend)

Tr: "So, is the clingfilm working?"

E: "Oh yes! It's great, they're really perky now! When I'm old I'm going to have perky tits and everyone else with a bust my size is going to have their nipples rubbing on their knees!"

Me: [thinks "WTF?!"]

Tr: "You know I told you it was a doctor that told me about it? Well, it was actually a bloke at work but he says it's really helped his wifes boobs. She's been doing it over a year now..."

E: "I noticed that when I took it off in the morning my tits were really sweaty so I decided to wrap it all around my stomach too. Sweating is good for losing weight. The trouble is that I move around in my sleep lots so when I got up in the morning it had all bunched together and left a bad mark on my tummy. It looked like I'd been doing weird bondage stuff"

Me: "I'm sorry, but I have to ask - What the fuck are you talking about?"

E: "I told Tr that I'm sure my boobs are starting to go south and I'm only 22! She told me about this doctor who recommended wrapping them in clingfilm before bed..."

So, that explains it. Apparently she's been doing it for about a week and thinks it's great.

I got a text later saying "I've run out of clingfilm, do you think tinfoil would work?" I honestly don't know if she was serious or not...

Angry bosses

I had to come back from Manchester last night because I had a meeting first thing this morning. It was a meeting with 6 pissed off bosses who really had no reason to be upset.

I really enjoyed it. I know our software works and that if they had problems it was because they weren't using it properly. I wish the meeting had been videod because the change in tide was amazing. At the start they were all cocky and sniggering to each other that I'd probably give them refunds because of their issues.

I began by going around the table and asking each person what their problem was and making careful notes on my notepad.

I then successfully demonstrated the software doing each of the things they'd claimed didn't work. Each time I was successful I'd make a belittling remark about the person who'd claimed it to be a problem. Eg:

Angry Boss #1: "Your software can't add up totals on a monthly basis!"

Me: "I'm sure it does that you know, let's see....."[Types in some figures, presses a button labeled "Print monthly totals", software displays correct results]

Angry Boss #1: [looks embarrassed] "Oh. I'm sure it didn't work like that when I last looked"

Me: "Well, the software obviously works, but it was a little tricky to click that button that says 'Print Monthly Totals'...I know! I'll ask our development team to make the button bigger and give it a more obvious caption. Do you think that would resolve your issue?"

Angry Boss #1: [Looking v. embarrassed]"Ummm, I think it's probably ok the way it is...."

I can be a sarcastic sod when I need to be. Sometimes I feel guilty about it. Most of the time I'm just a smug arsehole....

Coffee can be confusing. Accidentally insulting blind people is bad

The day started out pretty funny - The colleague I mentioned in yesterdays post didn't understand the way the coffee dispensers worked in the breakfast bar. Doesn't sound much, but if you were there you'd piss yourself.

The coffee dispenser is like a mini-barrel with a tap underneath. It's a pretty simple matter to put your cup under the nozzle and press the button to dispense. But my colleague didn't notice the button so he picked up the whole thing and tried to pour the coffee from the top of the barrel thing instead.

He poured himself a cup of coffee and a small lake too. The best bit was when he noticed a look of aghast on the coffee-cup-wielding customer next to him and offered to pour theirs too. The ladies jaw dropped and she shook head in rapid declination. Ungrateful sod eh? Who wouldn't want scolding coffee poured all over their hand straight from a barrel?!

We got to our stand at the exhibition and found a competitors stand un-manned. We pinned our remaining steel sheet fragments all over their stand. We're so grown-up....

The downpoint of my day was when two young ladies turned up at our stand. I asked if I could help them. One of them looked at me indignantly and said "Do you sell anything that can help my friend?" I asked "Well, what are you looking for?" The other one responded "I'm blind...." Oops. Sorry, really am. Didn't realise.

I felt so guilty, but honestly there was no way to tell, she wasn't carrying a white stick, dog, or anything.

We'd parked the van on the grass outside so that we could load up quick when the thing closed. It was easy to find because it was right next to the huge sign that said "Please do not park on the grass". I was going to run over the sign but my colleague advised me against it. Woos.

We got away about 5.30pm which was bloody early, and home by 11pm. Sorry this post has been so boring, I've missed out a fair bit, including the "losing of the credit card after filling up tank with fuel" incident and stuff like that. Something to look forward to eh?!

Someone put something in my wine that made me dizzy....

It's not been an overly exciting day but I've got some stuff to blabber about. Yesterday I told you I was near Manchester to man a stand at a show/exhibition. And I'd forgotten lots of stuff.

Well, yesterday was a Sunday so I couldn't do much about most of the things but I knew today would consist of a busy morning to try and get everything sorted before show-opening.

I realised I couldn't really do much about the lack of lights. Perhaps carrot sticks in place of our usual chocolates would improve night vision?

Blanking boards to cover untidy mess of PC's and cables: Ha Ha! A cunning plan had formed immediately. All we needed was something that would cover a gap of 1m x 4m. How hard could it be? I went to the Travel Inn and checked in, then we had this little discussion:

Me: Excuse me mate, but do your beds have quilts on all year round?
Reception Man Bitch: Hmmm? Well...Yes. People like to have a quilt on their bed, generally speaking....
Me: Ah. Well, I'm not keen. I find them too warm. Could I have a large sheet to sleep under instead please?
RMB: That won't be a problem sir, I'll get one taken up to your room straight away. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: Erm. A pair of very sharp scissors and some drawing pins would help, but I suppose that's a bit beyond the remit of your service?
RMB: Oh no sir, not a problem at all. So long as you can return the scissors when you've finished with them?
Me: [snigger] That wont be a problem at all mate, g'night....

It turned out in the end they had no scissors available for loan so this morning began with a trip around the nearest trading estate. I went to Tesco and bought giant scissors and power sockets. I also realised I'd forgotten my phone charger so I bought a generic one (about 1000 different bloody adapters) for £6. Bargain eh? Now my mates can charge their phones when they come over too coz I have adapters for every model. I challenge someone to bring a phone I can't charge with my super-dooper Tesco multi-charger....

The scene at the stand was funny. Our company aren't a world-known brand or anything, but we do have a good, and very professional, reputation. You can imagine the looks on the faces of other exhibitors when my colleague and I blatantly produced a stolen bed sheet from my laptop bag and started hacking it into strips with our new scissors in front of everybody about 10 mins before the show opened.

I was chief-hacker, and he was chief-pinner, attaching these strips of sheet to the front of the stand to curtain the offending PC's. We got a fit of giggles at the looks we were getting, so from that point on the shreds of cloth had a "wavy" effect.

The only thing we couldn't do anything about was the lack of sales brochures for one of our products. So I elected that we wouldn't promote that particular product at this show. Sorted.

After the initial humourous start to the day it actually turned out pretty dull. The show wasn't that well attended and we spent most of the day with our thumbs up our arses. Metaphorically speaking. Bored.

When the show closed at five there was a party for exhibitors, as is usual at these things. However, what wasn't usual was the fact they expected us to sit around and watch a presentation about the hosting city before we got our free beer. Bollocks to that.

My colleague and I objected loudly until a serving wench told us we could have a bottle of wine so long as we stayed out of the way of the city presentation and kept the noise down. It seemed like a reasonable offer so we accepted it! The someone must have put something in one of the many subsequent glasses of wine cos something definately made me dizzy...

We watched a funny show on TV tonight. It was one of those reality TV programmes, and this one was about cosmetic surgery on "girl-bits". The first part of the show was a consultant interviewing this blonde bimbo:

Consultant Man: "So Miss X, You're here because you've thought about having your genitalia cosmetically improved?"
Blonde Bimbo: "Eh? What? Is this the place to get me pussy looked at?"
CM: "Yes, Miss X, we offer a variety of surgical procedures to cosmetically adjust your most personal areas. Sometimes this is to address trauma caused by accidents, sometimes it's-"
BB: "Can you make me pussy tighter then?"
CM: "Erm, we offer procedures to both increase and decrement the size of the labia if that's-"
BB: "Wicked! Can I see some photos to choose style I want?!"
CM: "We usually prefer the patient to tell us exactly what, and why, they would like any particular procedure so that we may advise accordingly before-"
BB: "Wicked! Can you take 'alf an inch of me pussy mound an' all?"
CM: [shrugs andconcedess]

The interview had made me laugh, but then my colleaguee (Who's only 19 or 20) turned to me with an entirely straight face and said: "Why would a woman want her labia reduced? I mean, it's hardly a concern unless it looks like Dumbo's fucking ears....."

I'm sorry, but that just made me laugh.

We turned off the station the moment it got to knife/surgeon scenes. That was cringey-horrible.

The F* words (Fuel, Forgetfulness, Fixable)

(Retrospective post -actually posted on 24-5-06)
I'm in near Manchester. Drove up today - it got rainier the closer we got.

I didn't bring my own vehicle up, I used the company people carrier with all the seats removed - that way it doubles as a van - allegedly. This actually had two major downsides:

a) Trouble removing seats
b) Really dodgy fuel computer.

To address these in more detail:
a) I had to remove all the seats from the bloody thing before it would resemble a van instead of a bus. The TV ad's make this look simple with young ladies pretty much throwing the unneeded seats to one another to demonstrate easy removal and stowage. In reality I think I've crushed two vertebrae and I think I've contracted a hernia. This was just trying to unhinge the fucking thing thing with the instruction booklet right in front of me. Sod the graceful throwing of a 300lb row of seats to an attractive girly. If I really tried that it'd crush her to death and I'd be sued...

b) Having finally reconfigured the thing into a van in only 17 hours and 27 minutes we set off. Then I noticed the fuel economy. Stop. Pause. I'm not a normal blokey, I'm not going to whinge about how much the fuel cost, (dinosaurs sacrificed themselves under thousands of tonnes of rock for my journey and I didn't hear them complain? So I wont moan about something so mundane as fuel prices and the robbing British government. Will I? - Well, Maybe later....)

Anyhoo, by the time we got close to destination the thing had drank almost a tank of petrol. That's lots for 250 miles. We pulled into a service station and filled up. Then I had to take a phone call so we parked around the back and I done that. The whole time the "Range computer" was showing how many miles we could do with current fuel. And average miles per gallon. All the time we were sat behind the gas station doing 0 mph/kph. And yet both displays were going down.

Honestly, the range was dropping by the second. And mpg got as low as 12 while we were sat in a carpark! Dodgy bloody Chrysler! It's disconcerting when gauges start going the wrong way while you're doing nothing.

Sorry to girl readers, this is very "boyish" gibber. Lets move on. Jeez, I bet y'all hate it when I go a few days with no interaction with anyone?!

I got up to Manchester area where I was actually supposed to be presenting a small stand at a conference. My company do this lots and I'm often the guy that ends up standing around all day. Usually we get a good reception as we look very professional.

Not today! I forgot so much stuff it really wasn't funny:

- I forgot the lights that illuminate the place - They're important
- I forgot the blanking boards that cover the PC's under the table - They're very important
- I forgot to bring enough power sockets - They're very important
- I forgot one VGA lead - That's a very important thingy. Makes pictures and stuff.
- I forgot sales brochures - I think they're important too. At a sales conference.

So I'm here with almost nothing set up. Oh well, I have plans to cover most of it. They may involve deceit and dishonesty, but only in the nicest possible way...

Oh, and this Travel Inn isn't my favourite one in the world either. After the shitty realisation of how much stuff I'd left at the office, I then checked in and was told internet was down. Two days without internet. Oh joy!

A week of alcohol and weed. And missing my lover

I've been off my head most of the week. The only points I really remember are the conversations with TT. I'm very in love. And I'm enjoying reading these blog things I've discovered.

TT finishes her tour tomorrow and is getting the coach back to London. She's then planning on getting the train to here on Sunday morning. But I'm going to suprise her and meet her in London.

I bumped into an ex g/f during the week and flirted with her outrageously. She gave me the full "come on" and I remember giving her the finger (as in the rude sign, not rude things with her bits) and laughing as I walked away. She was furious. I think that's about the only time I've laughed this week.

Mum! There's a trotter in my sweeties! (UK Sweeties=candy in US and Lollies in Australia)

Double take

Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?

A. Acne doesn't usually cum on your face until you're 12....

During the jouney with LB todayI was forced to eat some Dolly Mixtures. I tried to explain to TT how horrible they are:"They are awful. They're like foam made from sugar with extra sweetner. In case that isn't enough to send your child loopy, they have extra colourants in too."

She didn't seem to believe me, so I found this link on google: The sweety shop. You can see a picture of them and everything. The pic isn't quite accurate as they usually have luminous green square things too which are lime flavoured and extra mingy.

But the thing that really got my attention was the the link on the left hand side: Halal Sweets. I honestly didn't realise that other sweets were made from pig bits?! Quite a shocking thought when you think about all the other bad crap already in them!

In addition to all the sugar and colours, I'm feeding my neice pork and sea-food? Bloody hell!

Anyhoo, enough of that.

In other news, I got a letter from local council today. The story has been ongoing, but they've now sent me a full retraction and paid my invoice. Giddup! I'm a happy boy! Who says you can't take on a local council and win?!

I've got loads of other news, and I had typed it up, but then my compy just shat itself and crashed. So now it's late and I can't be arsed to type it all again. Shit happens eh? My fault for not saving it, but I still like to blame Bill Gates for making an operating system that just drops it's guts for no reason every now and again. ...Cheers Billy G. Wanker.

Lesbian sex and roadworks. Guess which I prefer?

No joke or anything appealed tonight. So you get a picture of a thingy with giant thingies. Aren't they giant? I bet he regrets marrying a nun-thingy....

It feels good to be typing again. I'm sorry for being neglectful for a couple of days, I've been away. But hey, lets not dwell on the negative!

I took lesbian friend, LB, and her mother to the airport today for their holidays. I didn't think "mother" knew her daughter was lesbian - how wrong was I?!

Within a few minutes of leaving this conversation began:

Mother: "So, how is sex without penetration?"
LB: [without hesitation] "It's better than you'd think. I sometimes get penetration but generally g/f and I just do loving, tongues and fingers...."
Mother: [equal lack of hesitation]"But you sometimes get proper penetration? How does that work? Strap-ons?"
LB: "We don't use those. If I strapped on a dick I'd be kinda saying 'I want to be a man' wouldn't I? And if I took one from my g/f I'd be saying 'I want a man to fuck me', so we don't generally use them..."
Mother: "Generally? But you do use them? I can't imagine how you can have sex without something proper in your vag...."
LB: "Don't be silly, I have something proper in my vag mum! Just not a strap-on. And I sometimes do use or receive a strap-on, but only when I'm having sex, not with my lover...."
Mother: "You mean you do stuff with more than just your lover?"
LB: "Well, yeah, but only sex. And she's always there too. It's different when it's just us girls..."
Mother: "Are you going to do this sort of stuff while we're on holiday?"
LB: "Naaah, I've got to share a room with you haven't I?"
Mother: "I may see if they've got another room so you can get on with your thing. And I may ask you for advice...."

I'm very open minded and I've met lots of people but that was the first time I'd heard that particular situation unfurl.

The closest to it before today was when there was this bar-wench and her duaghter...oh, hang on, you don't want to know about that...

It took us over 5 hours to get to Gatwick, the M25 is being repaved or some such shit. If I ran the country, or department of transport, that's what I'd do too - Yeah, honestly!

I'm not being double sarcastic at all! I'd fucking CLOSE a quarter of the countries busiest motorway for 3 years to "improve" it. I'd make sure there are cones everywhere but no workmen to be seen. I'm not impressed about that stretch of road.

But journey back was much better. I set a personal record, one which I never want to beat.

I know it's not big or clever, but I done the journey back in under 2.5 hours. Luckily my average speed works out legal! I only done 66mph all the way home on average I promise! (for anyone used to driving m25 and a12, that's not bad is it eh?!)

Upon arriving back, had this little conversation:
LB: "Are you nearly home yet?"
Me: [actually home, but daren't admit it!] "Yeah, about an hour from home now, it's going ok"
LB: "An hour from home?! You must have been flying! It took us 5 hours on the way here!"
Me: "Well, now It's just me in the car, 've no longer got a precious cargo on board so I can speed a bit...."
LB: "Oh! That's a lovely thing to say! You're so sweet...."
Me: "Well, I know you'd kill me if anyting had happened to you make-up bag...."
LB: "You bastard! i thought you cared about me then!"

tee hee.

I got a call from the arsehead, Mr Mann, at borough council. He insists everything is now sorted, so I'll let you know more about that tomorrow.

I'm in weird mood again, life's a giggle eh?!

Ooooh no!

I had sex on the beach with 3 girls.

Sorry, I'll rephrase that.

I had a cocktail, "sex on the beach", whilst out with 3 girs. Yes. That's better. I'm very zzzz - nighty night for now.

A weird day is about to get weirder

I didn't get to bed until 7am this morning (On phone to Aus) and got up at 9. As a result the tiredness has made me feel light-headed-pissy all day. Silly things have been making me chuckle to myself and I've also been feeling 'slutty' all day. What's the proper boy equivalent of slutty? Randy? That seems a bit extreme.

I've been invited out with lesbian friend, LB, tonight as she's off on holidays tomorrow. I was going to get a train ten minutes ago but I missed it cos a mate popped round and I had a smoke with him. Oh, that'll do wonders for my weirdo mood won't it?!

Anyhoo, as the title says, I'm sure it's about to get weirder cos I'm now off to the city for a night in the company of a bunch of girlies...

I'll let you know how it goes later :)

Bad food - It lurks everywhere

You can tell when I spend the whole day indoors; nothing happens. Whenever I have a "normal" day things happen and I have stuff to write about. But today has been a rare day of zero social interaction (apart from phone, I'm not 100% hermit yet)

For some people that would mean no blog. For me it means "Let's write about random bollocks until someone tells me to shut up"

Bad food: I decided to go on a hunt for out of date food in my fridge/cupboards. These are my worst offenders . Excuse the poor quality pics taken with mobile phone

To the left is the "Cock Soup". The BBE date has worn off it (if I had one), but I bought it in Trinidad during 2002 so I doubt it's still at it's best. But I never intended to make/eat/drink it even when I bought it. It's definitely more of a "novelty" item.








The first proper contender is the "Eggs of death". These were, strangely, found in the cupboard usually reserved for coffee, vodka and other adult things. Your guess is as good as mine.

A friend from Ireland suggested I involved them with one of my disputes with either council or barclays wank bank. As if I would....





The final contribution is a quiz. "Can you tell what it is yet?!" [said in a poor Rolph Harris imitation] What have I found that's blue and out of date?

I've got loads of this monologue to share, but I think I've done enough for tonight - I'm talking such bollocks I'd better go now.

Missing TT lots.

Don't put your rubbish in that bin, it's illegal. And what's Idiosyncrasy?

While I was looking for a crappy joke/illusion to put here I stumbled across a website which then kept me occupied for way too long. It's wicked good, full of illusions and stuff. Click here to take a look

My day started with a confrontation. Nothing serious, just a real "jobsworth" prick who had nothing better to do than piss me off:

It was a beautiful morning so I stopped at a clifftop to admire the view. I reflected upon the stark contrast of the beach, licked clean by the gentle waves and the general filth and untidiness within my car.

There was a bin just 20m away so I decided to throw out some of the rubbish rolling around on the floor. It accumulates because I hate littering/litterers.

There was an empty carrier bag amongst the debris so I put in two empty water bottles, two empty "diet coke" bottles and a sandwich wrapper. Not big bottles, just standard 500ml ones.

I walked over to the bin only to discover it was one of those letter-box style ones which have a really tiny opening, just about big enough to insert a packet of Rizla. I was relaxed and enjoying the view / fresh air so I didn't let something so stupid annoy me. I simply undone the carrier bag and began posting the rubbish in carefully, one piece at a time.

Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder and a gruff interpution. I jump around to see a council worker in day-glo green waistcoat glowering at me:

Bright-green-man: "That's a public bin, you can't use it."
Me: "Eh? What??"
BGM: "That bin is for public use. You can't put domestic rubbish in"
Me: "Eh?" [yeah, again, I was confused!] "What do you mean?!"
BGM: "You're dumping domestic rubbish in a public bin, that's not allowed"
Me: [is this guy serious?!] "But I'm just emptying a couple of things out of my car!"
BGM: "Forbidden. You should take domestic rubbish home and dispose of it in your home bin"
Me: "But it's a couple of bits of rubbish out of my car! Would you prefer I just lob them on the beach?!"
BGM: "Nope. You should take them home and put them in your home bin. I'm going to report you. Name please."
Me: "Name? Are you serious? drink bottles and sandwich wrapper?"
BGM: [get's all huffy and takes out notepad] "Disposing of domestic rubbish in a public bin is an offence. I need your name"
Me: "YOU CAN KISS MY ARSE SUNSHINE! There's my car - take my registration and report me to the f#cking police! Have a good day, twat...." [walks away, very huffily]

OK, don't tell me off, I know I didn't need to be quite so rude but honestly...

What is the bloody world coming to?!

The rest of the day passed pretty quietly, by comparison at least.

Can someone define idiosyncrasy for me?

I've just finished a phone conversation with LB and she can't. She knows what it means in her own head but can't explain it to me. Every example she gave resulted in me saying either:

a) That's a habit then?
b) You're admitting you're a weirdo then?

I just can't get my head around this. Everyone seems to be talking about them but to me it's reminiscent of "the emperors new clothes" parable. Everyone seems to be talking and discussing them but they all seem to be discussing freakish behaviour or habits.

Help me out here?!
Double take

Annoying radio stations, Emergency sirens and Audi drivers

First and foremost: See the picture to the left? Do the horizontal lines go up or down? Before your eyes start doing turns, go and get a rule. It's weird.


The thing that's annoyed me most today - RDS. Radio Data System. EON. Extended Other Network. Does this mean anything to anyone? It's the highly testicle technical term for the annoying bulletins than can cut in on your car stereo. The idea is that they interrupt your radio or CD with important travel information.

Unfortunately, boring local DJs use this as a method to try and get extra listeners. I was driving along earlier, quite happily singing along (yeah, I was on my own!) to my Queen CD when suddenly the music stops and I'm listening to Farmer John giving a monologue about dairy farming. I hit the TP button which returns me to my CD.

2 minutes later "I want to break free" is rudely interrupted by BBC Radio Suffolk traffic wench who gives this important bulletin: "I'm happy to report that the regions roads are incident free! There are no reported problems so your journey should be interrupted...." Bloody what?! You interrupt every driver in the area to tell them there are no problems? Thanks wench, you're a treasure.

10 minutes pass before BBC Radio Norfolk kicks in to tell me it's sunny out and no rain is expected. I look at the clear blue sky and think to myself "No shit Sherlock, did you go to university for your meteorology qualification? Or did you just look out of the window and decide to state the fucking obvious?"

I'm glad the TP feature can be turned off.

The other thing that really annoyed me was the driver of a big silver Audi. I was driving along a road and in the distance I could see blue lights coming in by direction, ambulance or fire engine or something like that. Knowing that the road was quite narrow ahead I decided to pull over and wait for a few seconds so that they'd be able to pass me easily.

The Audi guy decided that I was in his way so he overtook me. I don't know if he had a vision and hearing impairment or whether he was just lacking common sense/decency. Probably the latter. I sometimes think Audi dealerships make you trade in your common sense before they'll sell you one of their cars.

Man: "I have a really small penis and would like a car to make up for this fact - can you help?"

Dealer: "Aaah, the wooshy one. A fine choice sir, and only £30000. Please take your common sense and cash to reception where we'll exchange it for some bad attitude and the keys..."

Sorry to any Audi readers, I'm sure there must be some exceptions to the rule.

Incase you can't tell, it's not been the most exciting day. But this makes a nice change from talking about lesbian parties with lots of sex opportunities doesn't it? Sorry if you prefer the lesbian things, I just have to prove occasionally that I can be normal!

What the fuck is a "blog"?

A day I wont forget in a hurry. I was browsing the internet on my laptop and as I tried to type in XXXX (intentionally blanked!) Internet Explorer autofilled a web address I'd never heard of before. It was XXXX.blogspot.com. Hmm. I clicked on it and discovered TT's blog. I'd never heard of, or read a blog until that moment.

My immediate reaction was to close it down and not read, but then I thought - "Hell, it's on the bloody internet, you don't get any less private than that?" I spent the next 6 hours reading through. I saw numerous comments about me, mainly complimentary, some not. She was really angry about the night I got pissed in the restuarant in Cardiff. She didn't have comments enabled so I couldn't see what anyone else had been saying or guage it's popularity.

Then I got fucked out of my brain again.

What the fuck is a "blog"?

A day I wont forget in a hurry. I was browsing the internet on my laptop and as I tried to type in XXXX (intentionally blanked!) Internet Explorer autofilled a web address I'd never heard of before. It was XXXX.blogspot.com. Hmm. I clicked on it and discovered TT's blog. I'd never heard of, or read a blog until that moment.

My immediate reaction was to close it down and not read, but then I thought - "Hell, it's on the bloody internet, you don't get any less private than that?" I spent the next 6 hours reading through. I saw numerous comments about me, mainly complimentary, some not. She was really angry about the night I got pissed in the restuarant in Cardiff. She didn't have comments enabled so I couldn't see what anyone else had been saying or guage it's popularity.

Then I got fucked out of my brain again.

Burnt sausages anyone? If you can't stand the heat, don't be the kitchen bitch...

In lieu of a crap joke, here's one of those optical illusion twinges. Incase you've been in the dark ages for an eon, just look at the dots between the squares. Not that dot, the other one! The black one! The white one! You'll see, bet you can't keep your eye on one of them....

Today was probably the worst day to post that image, I can't keep my bloody eyes on the bloody words with that thing flashing away. A more intelligent person would have inserted it at the end. So to speak...

Excuse the double-entendre, this afternoon has just left me a master of them. I slept most of the morning, still catching up on sleep missed last week.

Although I woke up at about 8am I dozed for most of the morning. I only got properly woken at about midday when my sis called me. She had a panic on, she'd just discovered that her daughter, my niece, had some homework to do. She's only 7! I didn't get homework to do until I was 12!

My sis's internet connection is down and she urgently needed a picture of the Cypriot flag, and lots of facts about Cyprus. And she kindly told me that I had half an hour to deliver. Don't you just love family?!

I really struggled to find facts for a 7yr old. Finding out the gross national purchasing power of Cyprus is easy. Average birth rate per population of 1000? Easy. Drug trafficking capabilities? Easy - hash-hish transit, very minor cocaine stop over point. These facts are easy, but try finding something that'll be interesting to a 7yr old or her teacher and it's much harder!

I've visited Cyprus many times though, so I printed off a copy of the flag and then wrote loads of facts on myself. I also dug out some stamps and currency for her. I'm not a bad uncle really.

I then went off to the BBQ. I was the first to arrive which absolutely must be a first. It was hosted by a girly called E. E is the current girlfriend of my lesbian friend, LB. (It must seem that I spend all my time at lesbian BBQ's, but I assure you, it's only weekends...!)

The BBQ was in the aide of another girly friend, let's call her M. It was her 29th birthday, she's getting old eh?! Anyhoo. I was first to arrive so borrowed LB's car and popped down the shop to buy some vodka and a birthday card for M. I'm not very inventive when it comes to birthday presents.

By the time I got back some of their other friends had turned up: Helen, Emma (Not real name, her real name is so weird I can't use it anonymously), Amy, Vicky, Naomi and Carla. Bloody hell. That lot + my two lesbian friends and the centre of attention, M. 9 girlies in total. 1 other boy besides me. Hmmm.

Three of the girls already have children so there were three boisterous under 6's running around the place playing football. Quote of the avo was from Emma: "Being around all these kids is the best contraceptive ever...." LOL! I can relate to that!

Someone had a little bit of smoke so I indulged in a quick toke (away from the kids of course) It was a wonderfully sunny avo so a nice experience all round. The only downside was that they arranged another party. Today was completely day time and social - I've now been invited to one of their "proper" parties on thursday next.

Today they were sober-ish. I still managed to get a slapped arse a couple of times, 3 kisses and loads of hugs. At the planned one the goal is to get drunk and sleep over. Getting drunk with 9 girls at a sleepover? Er. Don't think so. I love tt to pieces so there is no way I'm putting myself in that situation! I had trouble defending myself today.

I think I went wrong by being kitchen bitch. The girls seem to like a boy that does the washing up, cleaning, serving drinks, etc. I'll have to be a more boyish boy and tell them to f#ck off next time...

Incase anyone was silly enough to wonder, of course I done nothing, tt is my girlfriend and while it was fun to flirt, that was all that happened.

Multimap, tomato sauce and toothpaste - yum yum, lovely mix eh?

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. A Gotta-saur-arse. (I'm sorry, really I am....)

Is it getting obvious I'm doing my own art work for these shitty jokes?! Oh hell yeah....

Does anyone use multimap? It's a great site, I wouldn't be without it, but one thing that really annoys me is this: Get directions from London to Langley Burrel. The bit that annoys me is towards the end of the directions. About 4 mile from the final destination multimap recommends that you take a break since you've been driving two hours.

Oh really? I'm under five mins from my final destination, after driving 95 miles. Am I really going to take a break when I can finish my journey in less than five minutes?

I'm just a bit(!) nerdy, I don't understand why the programmers behind the site don't stop such a silly thing happening. They can easily fix it, I wont even embarrass them by telling them how, they've just been lazy. Sort it out fellas....

You'd think this was enough mindless stuff for one day wouldn't you? But no, whingers like me are never done some days...

I often shower at my parents house and as a result I keep a toothbrush there. Today I showered there and afterwards I went to clean my teeth.

I was amazed to find the toothpaste had a screw top on it! I'm so used to just flicking the lid of toothpaste up with my thumb that it was a real shock that i had to actually unscrew it properly!

Then I got caught out almost the same way a few hours later. I went to friends house and tried to use their tomato sauce. I instinctivly squeezed the bottle even though I could plainly see and feel it was made of glass.

It's weird isn't it? I'm just so used to squeezing sauce now I just done it even though i was obviously holding a glass bottle with a screwy lid. Bah. Caught out by screwy lids twice in one day

I done virtually nothing else today except watching some very embarrasing tv. Should I tell you what? ok, I'll tell you cos I can defend my choice, it was "Buffy the vampire slayer". Shut up. I have my reasons, and I don't have a sore wrist or anything like that. If you want to know why you'll have to ask nicely...

Barclays and borough council - highs and higher. And deadbeat interviewees

You remember me telling you how shit Barclays bank are? Well, I was supposed to have a meeting with them on Monday but they cancelled that. We had it today instead.

It went very well. The highlight for me was when the manager looked like he was about to cry, looked at me really pleading and begged me to stop smiling at him because it made him nervous. Tee hee! Glad I hadn't practiced that look all week in vain....

The final outcome was: "We {barclays} have no idea why this happened. We're wrong. We're sorry. Have a compensation form and bring it back in one week" I'm a pretty happy bunny now because the real, tangible costs are high - once they add compensation it should be a pretty nice chunk. I may stop slagging them off soon....

You may also remember me ranting about the local council? I promised to tell you the outcome of that letter. Well, today I got a summons!

Giddup! They've asked me to come to court over it! I can't wait, I've already sent copies of my letter, and the summons, to local press and they're already sniggering about it - they can tell one someone's about to take the piss can't they?! Again, I'll let you know how it goes.

I done a telephone interview with someone today. Let me give you a hint: If you're ever an interviewee either on the phone or in person, don't chew gum. It's such a bloody annoying noise!

Especially when she started blowing bubbles. I don't think she was that serious about the job eh?!

For anyone interested in my life, I had a cool night tonight, went out to the nearest city for a friends birthday. It was friend of lesbian friend's birthday party so I was out with loads of girlies again. Terrible eh?! tt doesn't need to worry though, I'd rather spend 1 minute with her than all night with all of them.

Never thought I'd say that, but I guess it's what happens when you're in love




Double take

Sad news, bad news....

Had first argument with TT. Not really an argument but I got pissed in a restaurant and had trouble walking in a straight line. She wasn't happy with me. It wasn't entirely my fault. I'd be manning the exhibition stand all day and our company sponsored a wine reception for the punters tonight. I couldn't bare to spend a few hundred quid on wine and then not sample some could I? Besides, all my customers were pissed and I would have looked out of place if I'd been sober.

I feel an idiot for asking how to use my new fridge....

Q. How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A. Put an acorn under his foot and wait 50 years....


I've been chuckling about that all bloody day! I even drew the picture myself - can you tell?!

My new fridge got delivered today. How do I use it?! I know that sounds a stupid question, with the obvious answer (From "Fridges for Dummies") being:

a) Open door
b) Put in food/beer
c) Close door
d) Open to retrieve food/beer as required...

I'm not that stupid though, what I really need to know, is where do I set the temperature dial? What's the coolest setting? 1 or 7? Does the scale represent cooling power or temperature?

- If it's "cooling power" then I need 7, maximum.

- If it's "degrees" then I need 1, minimum.

See my dilemma? Oh, why is life never simple?

I've got to pop out now, but I've got some more stuff to add. Come back in an hour and read about two other silly things that have happened today.....

Great news for all depressed people! And four girls love me....

"The boring bit" - (The mindless gibber and random thoughts are further down)

I've been pissed off and feeling depressed for the last couple of days. But it's ok now! Why? Who knows? Life just has a way of getting better I guess. Everyone has heard of "viscous circles" - where one problem leads to, and/or, compounds another. Hardly anyone has heard of "friendly orbits" though.

That's because I just invented the term. To the best of my knowledge anyway; Google just confirmed it, 25 000 000 for the former, 138 for the latter!

As you can imagine, by "friendly orbit" I mean the opposite to "viscious circle": The way that when something positive happens, it makes you feel good.

And when you feel good and happy, somehow other good things happen. I can't even remember what first made me smile today but it led to the rest of the day getting much better. I don't give a fuck about the things that were pissing me off yesterday now.

Lesson to be learnt depressed people: I know it's hard, but try to smile and better things will happen. If it's hard to smile then just roll one up or get your arse down the bottlo....

Sorry, thinking aloud, I don't condone that ;)

So now, random gibber about today:

Gross Flies...
Had to drive down to London today. On the way I hit a swarm of flies. It was gross. They hit the windscreen making a sound similar to driving through sleet. And there were so many my washer bottle ran out of juice trying to clear them. And no one ever remembers to fill their washer bottle so I'm going to have a smeary windscreen for ages now. Curse my laziness, I should go and fix it now while I think about it.

Gross People....
People in Romford have a real bad habit of spitting gum everywhere. I saw loads of people doing it, and there was even a sign in the office I had to visit reminding employees not to spit it out onto the floor in the building. I've been in a hell of a lot of places but never seen a sign like that in the UK!

Lovely People....
I'm not sure whether I should post this one or not. I'll compromise by hinting and telling you more later. Four girls love me. The only one that matters is tt of course (well, I hope she still loves me!) but over the last week or so I've realised 3 others do too, and tonight I kind of had it confirmed. Oh, to be loved....

Woke: Home
Bed: Home
Done: Few jobs in london, about 400 miles

Razors with 25 blades that cost more than a small family car...

When I first shaved my razor had one blade. Then some clever bastard invented a "double bladed razor" that cut, would you believe it, twice as close!

Then it was the Gillette 3 or some shit. Then everyone released a "Quadruple-action-pivoting-head" version. So it continued into dizzying heights until now it gets to this:

I've just bought one which:

- is made of titanium (like a space shuttle)
- has 6 fucking blades (like a ninja)
- flexes in every direction (like morph)
- has replacement blades that cost almost as much as my house (like a pint in my local)

When will it all end? Honestly, even bloody BICs have protective covers on their dual bloody blades now.

I'm a bloke and I can handle the pain, is it possible to still buy an old fashioned (or as I call it, normal) razor anymore? Sorry, did warn you I was having a whinge today....

Life is a delicate balance between good and bad. Today has been shit. 24 hour drinking - now it's finally here, should I try it?

Had a shit day, but wont bore you with details for now. Chatted with my g/f, tt this morning and that was the definate highlight of the day.

I read a funny blog earlier, I must start to build up the link section on this thing. Remind me to do that later; it was from some guy that trashed his laptop cos windows pissed him off and then he realised he'd lost his prized porno collection. I found it amusing, so until I do the proper link thing you could click here: http://isorule.blogspot.com/2006/05/laptops-teenage-hitchhikers-and-oral.html


For some reason, I can't remember why, I done another search for "ming" on google earlier and stumbled across this: A perfect example of proper usage of mingy: "The much-touted cornbread-stuffed trout was a mingy, old-tasting fish with gummy filling..." It's on http://www.portlandfoodanddrink.com/?p=175

I also love it that someone bothered to do a webpage about the restaurants of portland. If it's the same place I'm thinking about no wonder the web page ran out of ooomph. Ooomph is a cool word.

It may be just my mood, or it may be something more fundamental, but I think I'm pretty much done with the UK now. I want to move out. I want to be an expat. I want to be in Australia with tt, and I don't want to come back here.

That may involve getting a job out there though, and the idea of writing a CV is a scary prospect. Not updated mine for about 12 years and the thought of bringing it up to date is quite daunting.

Sorry I'm in a weird mood, perhaps it's cos I've been local for a few days. That's fixed tomorrow, I'm off to Romford or somewhere near there. The only interesting thing I noticed on www.multimap.com when I checked the postcode was that there were about 10 schools in the 1/2 mile square I looked at. I guess I'm going to school-central and my car will be horribly keyed and covered in chewing gum by the time I come out of my meeting....

Mingy food / ming food shops. And kebabs. And bone-rice....

Despite it being bank holiday season that's not enough for some people. Lazy bastard like me. I'm pretty sure we've just had 3 bank holidays recently but I woke up this morning feeling like a day off. I guess it's been an active weekend and I needed wanted some time out while everyone else was at work and unlikely to distract me. Ever feel like that?

Have you ever heard the word(s) ming/mingy? I'll go google it and see how common it is-back in a second...

OK, google gives 82000 results for "mingy". By comparison, "crap food" gives 18 million results! I guess "mingy" isn't a common word. I use it all the time and although my Australian friends had never heard it before meeting me, they now use it all the time too. It's a contagious word.

Just checked some online dictionaries and they make reference to it meaning tight, mean, miserly, etc. To me, "ming" is just a negative word. I've probably used these phrases over the last 24 hours:

"That sandwich was minging" - "That sandwich was awful"
"She was a minger" - "She was ugly"
"There's a mingy smell in here" - "There's a bad smell in here"

the g is "hard". The word rhymes with "Ring".

Anyway, enough of that. The reason I ask is because I've just been out for fast food and that makes me think of mingy food. The "going out for food" gave me a couple of things to gibber about:

a) People that speak two languages fluently

b) Bone rice

To emphasise: Don't you just envy people that can speak two languages so fluently that they can instantly switch between them, even using both languages in one sentence? I'm sure you've all been to a chinese takeaway and experienced what I mean. I wish I could speak two languages like that. If I ever have a child I'll do everything I can to make sure they learn another language from a very early age.

Tonight I went to a generic fast food place. While idley musing and waiting I asked how long one of those giant elephant leg kebab things actually lasts. There was a new one on you see, and it was collosally huge. He said "about two days" and then quipped something in "foreign" to his massive-knife weilding colleague. (I'm not a xenophobe I promise, just not sure what language it was).

His colleague laughed and said "Nosey fuck eh?" and went immediately out the back as his boss started yelling at him "in foreign". Guess the downside of being so fluent is that you can switch languages too easily...

Next random ming-food thought....
The last time I was in Australia I bought some "chicken rice" from an asian food counter at a food mall. I don't know how they possibly managed it, or how I paid without noticing, but when I sat down and started eating I realised the rice was absolutely laced with shards of chicken bone. It was the most mingy thing I've every bought! Since then "Bone rice" has been an ongoing joke with tt and I. Yum yum.

I really have nothing useful or interesting to share and yet I'm going on continually.... I'll stop now!

naughty naughty, very very naughty. Why do I feel so bad?

It's been a bit of a screwy day. Went out and played pool yesterday as planned and it went bad. I played awfully but it was more about the beer than the pool to be honest.

After that we went back to friends house. I'll call that friend LB, she's the lesbian one. We watched a really crappy dvd, Dukes of Hazard. It really is as bad as all the critics say. I can't even remember the story line, not sure there really was one.

I left there about 11pm and headed for the train station. Have you heard of happy slapping? It's when kids/teens beat up someone and film it on a mobile phone. I heard a group of 3 lads and 2 girls planning to do it at the station. Their plan was to throw an old ladies dog onto the train tracks in front of the train I was waiting for. Nice eh?

Having overheard the plans I simply couldn't do nothing. I approached the group and said that I thought it was a bad idea. They didn't like that it led to me scrapping with them. I'm not a violent person but I can look after myself. My biggest fear was that one of them would produce a knife or something, so I went for an approach that's worked for me in the past. I went for the biggest one, with the thought that he was probably the "leader" and with him out of the way the others would lose some faith.

The plan worked, I was scrapping with the biggest one when one of the others managed to kick me in the ribs. It really annoyed me that they were being so unfair and I lashed out and broke the big guys nose. That shocked the one who'd kicked me and as a result he got a shove too. Sure enough, this had already made the girls and smallest lad run off.

I spoke to the lady on the platform and apologised for the incident. She'd heard the kids talking about throwing her dog on the trainline and she had been crapping herself. She bloody thought I was one of them until the incident! She'd already dialed the police on her mobile and they turned up at the same time as the train.

They got onto the train with us and took statements. It's all cool, they appreciated my efforts which was a relief. Over here it's really easy to get arrested for defending yourself so I was glad that everything was ok.

Since I got home I've been feeling guilty about it though. I'm not sure why, it was hardly my fault. I've spoken to a couple of friends and they've both said I didn't do anything wrong. Why do I feel guilty about it? How would I have felt if I'd done nothing and they'd thrown the dog? I'm sure the guilt of doing nothing would have been worse. But on the other hand he was only about 20, and now he's gonna have a bust nose for the rest of his days. Two wrongs don't make a right do they?

Anyway, that was last night. The screwy theme continued today. I got up and chatted with tt on messenger. That was the only normal part of the day. Early afternoon LB turned up and we went to the pub again. Yes, again. It was a country one this time and we chatted to some tourists and answered all their questions about various things to do in the area. It was time well spent as they bought us lots of beer in thanks.

Went out for a walk about 11 tonight, to see if any bars still open. Almost immediately I met someone I've not seen for years. Not a very nice person, a drug dealer I know from years ago. He was high on something or other and desperately trying to get his filthy hands on £15. How sad is that? I wont go into details, but it wasn't a very pleasant time. I've just flushed 10 ecstasy tablets down the loo.

Going to bed now. It's been a screwed up weekend.

Sleep? Who needs that?! Oh gods, can't you tell it's the weekend?

Last night was pretty cool. Went to meet friend, as mentioned, and drank way too much. We went and met her worky friend and it was really odd to be back in a bar I worked in while I was a student back in 1994. Not changed much, nothing around here ever does.

We went back to her house aferwards and her father was babysitting her kid. He's an aussie and the last time I met him I'd never been to Australia. I've been a few times now and he's not been for ages. It was odd to be able to update him on things out there. He's from WA and I've spent all my time so far in Brisbane, Queensland, so it was fun to talk about the differences and similarities between the places.

He wouldn't quit calling me a "banana-bending pom" which I'm sure I should have found more insulting than I did....

He left about 2am and friend and I then proceeded to talk shit all night. How does that happen? You know the feeling when you suddenly hear the birds chirping and realise it's getting light? And you realise that if you go to bed you're going to feel really shit after just 2 hours sleep? So you decide not to bother? Well, we done that.

Once her kid got up we played swingball. They only had one proper bat so I was given a baseball bat type thing to use. Bad idea. You can imagine what happened - I totally under-estimated the ball-avoidance skills of a 5yr old and it led to this:

me: [whack!]
kid: [suddenly on the floor clutching head] "Owwwww! My head! You done that on purpose!"
me: [stifling laughter, my niece wouldn't have been floored by that and she's younger] "oh, come on, don't be silly, it can't hurt that much! Don't report me to social services or anything!"
kid: "I'm not going to tell social services, but I am going to tell mummy..."

I knew it was going to be an odd day when my friend then served breakfast and the coffee had vodka in it. 10am on saturday morning is not a time to be drinking vodka is it? I headed home shortly after that and almost immediately got a call from some other friends to go and join in a pool challenge at a local pub.

I don't often get time here, so I could hardly refuse could I? They're picking me up in 10 mins, enjoy your weekend, I'm sure I will!

Breakfast in bed has to be a good start to the day...

I've been drive-about today. Stayed round a friends place last night and got the best sleep I've had in ages. And I slept in a single bed which felt really odd. Has anyone else noticed that once you've got used to sleeping in a double bed like a normal adult, sleeping in a single bed makes you feel like a kid?

I even got breakfast brought to me in bed, and that has to be a first for years! It was just coffee, toast and jam but well appreciated anyway.

Headed off about 10am and arrived at Henley-in-arden just before 1pm. I had trouble finding my customer, but Henley-in-arden looks like a lovely town/village? Anyone been? By the time I'd done my job I was quite tempted to stay there and have a look around, but I'd already promised to see a different friend this evening so I decided to head back.

I've just got back and now about to head out and see that friend. I think we're going to meet one of her worky friends in a bar I used to work in. It'll be first time I've been there since September 9 1994. Don't ask why I remember the date, it's a bad story...

Woke: Friends house
Going to bed: different friends house
Done: about 500 miles

Borough councils - gotta love them

After arranging the meeting with the bank yesterday I decided to sort out some other things that are pissing me off too. Below is a copy of the complaint letter I sent to town council earlier.

"To whom it may concern,

I moved out of [previous address] on 11 November 2005 and informed yourselves the next working day which was 13 November 2005. I made my last payment on this property on 8 Nov 2005.

Despite informing yourselves of this move I’ve continued to receive bills.

I spoke to Miss X in your offices on 23 March 2006 about this problem and she confirmed that I was not liable for the bill and should ignore the letter.

I then got another bill. I spoke to Nicki on 10 April 2006 and was told again that it was sent in error and to ignore it.

I then received another bill on 2 May 2006 and called your offices again on 3 May 2006. Once again Miss X has told me to ignore the bill.

I would like someone to confirm in writing that I am not liable for this bill and that you will stop sending these bills to me immediately.

This matter has already taken far too much of my time (three telephone calls each taking well over half an hour and several shorter) and the time to write this letter.

I've enclosed an invoice for £125. As detailed, this is in respect to time spent on the telephone and writing to you.

I await your rapid response, payment and apologies,

Faithfully,



[x] "

I'll let you know what the response is.... Sorry nothing of more interest

Barclays bank are shit

I promised at some point last week that I'd tell you about the "Barclays Bank Being Wankers/Shit/Crap" story. I may not have phrased it quite that way but let's not beat around the bush...

Rather than tell you about the problem blow by blow, here's a conversation I had with them:

AT BARCLAYS BRANCH, FEB 2006

Scowling, Loud, Unhelpful Teller: "NEXT! What's the problem?"

me: "er, [bit shocked] Hi! I've got an issue I'd like to discuss. It may be more appropriate to discuss it in a private room?"

ST: "We dont have one available. What's the problem?"

me: "ok, I was overseas recently, I tried to withdraw cash and the machine said my card had been reported stolen and swallowed it-"

ST:[interrupting me] "So you need a new card? Account number?"

me: "er, no, please allow me to continue... I called the UK from my mobile and asked my mother to try and sort it for me. After her making numerous calls, and then me making several, from
Australia, you still refused to help in any way"

ST: "Let me look....Hmm, account overdrawn, that's why it happened...."

me: "EH?! WHAT? Overdrawn?! Since bloody when?! It should have loads in!"

ST: "Well, it's not come up on my computer yet, but that's the usual reason"

me: "Not in this bloody case! My account is NOT overdrawn!"

ST: "Oh, no, you're right, it's fine. The machine in Australia must have been faulty, simple as that. I'll get a new card sent. Bye."

Nice eh?

I was away the next few days but when I got back I had a pile of mail from various companies telling me Barclays had refused direct debits etc. I went back to the branch. I got to speak to the same Scowly Teller:

ST: "Yes? Problem?"

me: " Hi! Remember me? My card got swallowed and you ordered me a new one after assuring me there wasn't a problem with my account...?"

ST: "Hmm. Yes. Well?"

me: [produces pile of letters from offended companies being declined payment by Barclays]

ST: "Hmm. Insurance mandate....Hmmm....Yes, you told us to cancel that on x of Feb..."

me: "EH?! I was in bloody Australia then! You know that, we had a big argument about it yesterday!"

ST: "Well, there's nothing wrong with account, I'll reactivate the direct debits. Bye."

A couple of days later I try and use my card and it gets swallowed as stolen. Then I get more letters saying direct debits had been refused. And so it continued.

I gave up with sulky teller and got promoted to manager attention. Even he couldn't see a problem with my account. The computer will let them reactivate the account but the moment i try and use it the security thing kicks in and tells them the account is on hold.

I've had 7 visits to my local branch and 2 to the nearest city branch. Uncountable phone calls, immeasurable embarrassment as payments have been refused, etc. But I've finally got a meeting with the regional manager on Monday. Yey! I'm going to metaphorically wipe the floor with his sorry arse....

Hope you've had a good day?! As you can tell, mine pretty dull, hence ranting....

Missing tt lots

lesbian friend, lovely girlsx2 and parachutes....

I went to the (my shift key is knackered, pls excuse i instead of I if it happens) BBQ. It was cool! Met a few new people and as suspected, being hosted by my lesbian friend, it was mostly girlies.

She's not a stereotypical butch lesbian, she's the opposite. In fact, she's most blokes fantasy of how a lesbian should be. Apart from not having blonde hair(!)

She's an attractive brunette and she's 21 or 22. She's very girly and has many boxes of make-up products. In my experience blokes tend to think of lesbians in the fantasy-sexual manner as portrayed by crappy pornos. In my reality they tend to be unlike that (look at me shying away from words like "skin-head", "ugly", "mannish", "butch", etc! Would I?!)

Of course, it's not the looks that matter but personality, and my lesbian friend has a lovely personality too. And seeing her pull/kiss other girls (normally previously etc) is always a fun way to pass an evening...

Anyhoo, getting distracted. It was her BBQ, and it was great. There were about 20 or so people there, and only two other boys. One was her dad - he left early. I think it was because his heart started playing up when about 5 of the girls decided to "show and compare" bra's....

I stayed the night there.

I headed home very early this morning via public transport. On the way I had to use a train station and it was full of attractive women. What's going on? I'm more than happy with tt, how come all the attractive women trying to distract me all of a sudden?!

I listen to the radio while I'm driving about. Today I heard a story that made me giggle a bit. It shouldn't have, because it's very tragic. But this is what I heard:

"Police have said that they don't view the death of a parachutist as suspicious. Camera footage has shown that immediately after jumping out of the 'plane the suicidee threw off his helmet and cut the cords attaching him to his parachute...."

You're probably wondering how I could have possibly giggled at something so horrible. I'm sorry, it's my twisted mind. The thing that got me was "...threw off his helmet..."

Seriously. What was he thinking?!

Did he really think that unless he took off the helmet he might survive a 10000ft (3.5km) fall?! I wonder if he kicked off his Nike Air trainers incase he thought he might bounce?

Nothing else to comment about today really....

Time for bbq, burgers, beer, etc!

It's not over yet, it's going to be a good day, I've decided! Didn't feel so good this morning though - I figure it could have been:

- "more than moderate" amounts of beer last night
- Sharing a j with some complete stranger in the hotel carpark last night
- Getting about 3 hours sleep for the third night in a row
- Not eating anything since kebab on Saturday night

For once I actually paid for wireless internet access at the hotel this morning. The security was pretty good and as I wanted to get on the road I figured it would be easier to just pay rather than break it! Didn't get to speak to tt though unfortunately, I later discovered she was seeing a friend for the bank holiday. With that option gone I just headed home. Still missing her lots since the wedding, can't wait to speak/chat with her.

The journey home was long and tedious, single carriageway crap roads almost the whole way. I am very grateful to a driver who flashed me on the A47 though. I'd crept above the 60 limit and was going about 70 just before he flashed me. I slowed as I went around the sweeping bend straight into the rays of about a million police radar guns. There must have been almost a dozen coppers stood in this lay-by, all pointing guns at the same point on the A47. Perhaps it was a training day or something.... But anyhoo, cheers unknown-flashy-driver-person, appreciate it.

Only just got home and immediately got sms from a local friend inviting me to BBQ. I'm in the mood for being social, so I'm going. The only thing that worries me is that it's hosted by a lesbian friend of mine, and I suspect most of the guests will be girls. Tragic eh? TT knows that I'd die before I was unfaithful to her, so I'm sure she wont mind me going. She's asleep at the moment, so I can't even sms her just to check. Sure I don't need to, she knows I love her more than life itself...

Enough soppiness - to the BBQ, burgers and beer!

Woke up: Somewhere in Derbyshire,
Going bed: Prob home, or somewhere close by
Done: 170 miles

Civil weddings, warm beer, tough barman, vanishing taxis and broken payphones...

With a title like that do I really need to write anything in here?! Oh it's been a very mixed up day! Looking back on it, I guess the ending of it was pretty funny....

Despite moderate amounts of beer last night we managed to get up as early as planned. I hardly slept as after writing last night I got a call from a friend and we chatted shit until about 3am. We headed over to the wedding venue about 8am to help out with last minute preparations. On the way I realised I'd left my suit at home. Well done me eh? Even worse, I had no ties apart from two "worky" ones. What's wrong with a worky tie for a wedding? Having the company logo across it doesn't really help.....

The logo bit is only at the bottom of the tie though so I decided I'd have to wear my jacket for the whole day. That wasn't actually a bad way around the problem since the jacket looks almost like a more casual suit jacket anyhow.

The wedding was a civil one. (As that's probably a UK term, it's basically a wedding that's not held in a church, but a licensed venue instead) This particular one was held in the barn of a country hotel somewhere in deepest darkest Derbyshire. Not a bad spot but as we discovered very shortly the beer tasted like piss-warm chunga. (See the film Desperado, you'll understand...)

I was initially on "table decorating duty" which involved placing flowers into jars (for a "rustic look" - allegedly....) and distributing these onto the tables dotted around the barn. I was then promoted to "table-fudge distribution" - guess what that involved?

The ceremony itself was wonderful. I'm not gay or 'out, but when the groom began to weep (with happiness I hasten to add!) while reading out his vows (they'd written their own), I felt pretty choked-up myself. Nothing to make you miss an absent girlfriend like going to a wedding alone...

The rest of the day was spent drinking beer and other similar wedding related activities. By the end of the evening two of the larger guests (refridgerator-shaped body-builder friends of a friend of a friend types - perhaps even gate-crashers?!) began to get rowdy and fight.

The barman on duty at the time was tiny. I've seen more meat on a butchers pen. But he had a voice like a drill-sergeant and the moment the trouble began he just shouted: "Gentlemen! Stop that immediately! This is a wedding reception, and it's in MY bar. Take it outside immediately! I'm not telling you not to fight, I just don't want it here when there is a door THERE!" and pointed. The effect was amazing. They looked like scolded school boys. Looking down at their feet they ashamedly shuffled out of the door... Respect to that barman.

The evening came to close and taxis began to take us all away. I was amongst the more sober of people (honestly, it does happen, just occasionally!) so I helped get people loaded into taxis. It was pretty messy and lots of people couldn't remember where they were staying etc. As I loaded the last guest into a taxi I asked the driver to come back for me once he had dropped the guy of.

Did he? Did he fuck! The bastard never bothered coming back for me and left me stranded at a closed country house hotel! To make matters worse my mobile was dead. The country hotel hosting the wedding had no 24 hour reception but a guest was kind enough to let me in and use the payphone. It was broken.

I started walking in the direction of my hotel. After about a mile I came across a b&b type place which appeared to have awake in it. Unfortunately the lights were at a first floor window. I spotted one of those pubby bench-seat things in the garden so I dragged that under the window. I climbed up onto that and gently tapped at the window. The look on the guys face was a picture. I guess it's not every day a bloke in a shirt and tie knocks at your first floor window and politely asks if he can borrow a mobile phone....

How was your sunday?!

Woke up: Calverton
Went Bed: Somewhere in Derbyshire
Done: very little driving but lots of walking back and forth to the bar....