Civil weddings, warm beer, tough barman, vanishing taxis and broken payphones...

With a title like that do I really need to write anything in here?! Oh it's been a very mixed up day! Looking back on it, I guess the ending of it was pretty funny....

Despite moderate amounts of beer last night we managed to get up as early as planned. I hardly slept as after writing last night I got a call from a friend and we chatted shit until about 3am. We headed over to the wedding venue about 8am to help out with last minute preparations. On the way I realised I'd left my suit at home. Well done me eh? Even worse, I had no ties apart from two "worky" ones. What's wrong with a worky tie for a wedding? Having the company logo across it doesn't really help.....

The logo bit is only at the bottom of the tie though so I decided I'd have to wear my jacket for the whole day. That wasn't actually a bad way around the problem since the jacket looks almost like a more casual suit jacket anyhow.

The wedding was a civil one. (As that's probably a UK term, it's basically a wedding that's not held in a church, but a licensed venue instead) This particular one was held in the barn of a country hotel somewhere in deepest darkest Derbyshire. Not a bad spot but as we discovered very shortly the beer tasted like piss-warm chunga. (See the film Desperado, you'll understand...)

I was initially on "table decorating duty" which involved placing flowers into jars (for a "rustic look" - allegedly....) and distributing these onto the tables dotted around the barn. I was then promoted to "table-fudge distribution" - guess what that involved?

The ceremony itself was wonderful. I'm not gay or 'out, but when the groom began to weep (with happiness I hasten to add!) while reading out his vows (they'd written their own), I felt pretty choked-up myself. Nothing to make you miss an absent girlfriend like going to a wedding alone...

The rest of the day was spent drinking beer and other similar wedding related activities. By the end of the evening two of the larger guests (refridgerator-shaped body-builder friends of a friend of a friend types - perhaps even gate-crashers?!) began to get rowdy and fight.

The barman on duty at the time was tiny. I've seen more meat on a butchers pen. But he had a voice like a drill-sergeant and the moment the trouble began he just shouted: "Gentlemen! Stop that immediately! This is a wedding reception, and it's in MY bar. Take it outside immediately! I'm not telling you not to fight, I just don't want it here when there is a door THERE!" and pointed. The effect was amazing. They looked like scolded school boys. Looking down at their feet they ashamedly shuffled out of the door... Respect to that barman.

The evening came to close and taxis began to take us all away. I was amongst the more sober of people (honestly, it does happen, just occasionally!) so I helped get people loaded into taxis. It was pretty messy and lots of people couldn't remember where they were staying etc. As I loaded the last guest into a taxi I asked the driver to come back for me once he had dropped the guy of.

Did he? Did he fuck! The bastard never bothered coming back for me and left me stranded at a closed country house hotel! To make matters worse my mobile was dead. The country hotel hosting the wedding had no 24 hour reception but a guest was kind enough to let me in and use the payphone. It was broken.

I started walking in the direction of my hotel. After about a mile I came across a b&b type place which appeared to have awake in it. Unfortunately the lights were at a first floor window. I spotted one of those pubby bench-seat things in the garden so I dragged that under the window. I climbed up onto that and gently tapped at the window. The look on the guys face was a picture. I guess it's not every day a bloke in a shirt and tie knocks at your first floor window and politely asks if he can borrow a mobile phone....

How was your sunday?!

Woke up: Calverton
Went Bed: Somewhere in Derbyshire
Done: very little driving but lots of walking back and forth to the bar....