Where do i begin?

I guess first up is an apology to all my loyal readers I've let down so badly over the last few months. So much has happened it's untrue. I've had almost constant awesome visitors, I've been made redundant and dont even get me started on the rental situation!

I've also made so many new friends its amazing - the best people suddenly come out of the woodwork when you most need them eh? I consider it Karma - I do my best to look out for my friends and all of a sudden when I need them most they all come running to my aid.

But if my CD player keeps skipping and jumping I'm throwing the cunt out of the window.....

Completely fucking random bullshit

a) Today I checked out a couple of recent entries on T's blog. Feel guilty. First time I've had even such a remote kind of contact for years. Yeah, I left a comment.

b) Last night I ended up meeting two of the richest and influencial people in Brisbane and I had no idea. I was my normal arrogant self before knowing it and they offered me a silly amount of $ to do a very simple task. I told them to piss off cos I was busy. They liked that, then introduced themselves, then we went out to dinner. Was v good fun but I'm still kinda fuzzled after a 5am finish.

c) When I woke at noon I couldn't find cell phone and decided to root down the back of the lounge. I found a pair of chicks knickers. Random.

d) I accidently upset S. Sad.

e) I'm horny and going out to shag someone. Laters people.

A little sad

Any one spotted the understatement yet?

I've had a friend from the UK visiting for the last couple of months and she left today. She's left here before, she went on a tour up the east coast to see more of this wonderful country but this time she's left to head back to UK.

All good things must come to an end I guess. But we've had a truly awesome time and I'm hoping she'll be back soon.

We've had a few weekends in Surfers Paradise, a few days out in the greater brissy suburbs, an awesome week in New Zealand, a lot of close and personal experiences and all up it's been totally great.

Yarp, I'm a teeny bit love sick. Yarp, I'm sideways. Yarp, I have consumed recreational drugs. Yarp, it's messy. My life is a shocking fuck up? As if......

Stay safe kids, J

Points mean prizes? Narp.

So, I had my new car dropped off this morning.

Wasn't planning on using it today.

10 mins later the urge was undeniable so I had to take it around the block.

I done so, then popped home, grabbed me smokes and decided to take it to a closed road I'm aware of near work to see what it can do.

I know what it can do now, it can gain me the first demerit points I've had in Aus! Who would pick it man? A copper patrolling a closed road? Shit man, they obviously have nothing better to do than stop hoons test driving a new toy at 180 down a closed road.

When I asked if the points are exchangeable for prizes or Qantas frequent flier points he smiled nicely, said "No sir", and upped my fine by $50. Cunt.

Still, gotta love it.....

Take it easy peeps.

Blood, guts and glory

Yeah, I know it's been ages. You dont like that? Well suck it.

Tonight I had something that I cannot resist talking about.

I went to the local hotel (pub/bar for non-aussies) and sat outside in the smoking area.

A HUGE unit came over, took my lighter without asking and while in convo held it in his hand for ages. I got bored and stood up. Literally:

"Mate. Can you pass me fucking lighter back that you took without asking? I've a smoko here in need of ignition?"

I was talking to his chest, he was HUGE. He handed back the lighter and went indoors.

I relaxed and chilled. Then guess what? You'll never guess it so it's just a teaser......

He comes back out with about 10 of the Brisbane Broncos. Serious. They huddled my table together with pretty chicks in a very intimidating manner. What did I do? I mentally said my goodbyes to this world, and, still sat down, turned to the ring leader and said......

"You got a lighter you fat cunt?"

I thought that would be the end of my earthly life and I felt ready for it to be so.

He didn't know where to go. It threw him so off balance and the others laughed and resumed chat with the hot chicks. He looked a total prick.

Being the arrogant son of a bitch I am I then started sms'ing my friends and telling them that I'd just gyped a player from the broncos. I didn't realise one of them was still behind me reading the texts I was sending - until he went indoors to fetch the ones that had already retreated.

Short and Long of it all, security held the rest of the team at the door (Bless them) while I ran away. I stopped about 100m away and heard security yell "Can still see ya you dozy prick!" which I think meant "We can't hold them anymore!"

So I dived into a garden and then out the other side and sauntered home.

That was my night. How was yours ?

Fuck Goddam! Our own adrenalin is almost as good as speed for a woosh eh? Gotta love it.

BOOOOOOOM!

I half heartedly turned off my stereo last night. I copped the wrong button. I accidentally discovered the "Turn Me Into The Noisiest Thing Known To Man" button.

Man, it was fucking awesome. I pressed the button totally accidentally at 1am and the thing blasted so loud it blew me across the room.

This spurned me into finding the remote control so I could see what happened with new setting from a comfortable distance. Man it was funny shit. I only got to 10 out of 30 before the remote ran out of range and I had to retreat back down the street.

A few moments later I joined in with the angry mob banging on my door until they gave up. Good cover eh?

My Dearest....

...Neighbour,

I've asked you repeatedly not to take my bin out to the street for me on bin day. I can manage it myself.

Particularly hateworthy is that you do it on the day before bin day which. Unsuprisingly, this the day I choose to empty my household bins into the outside collectable bin. Except I can't easily because you've moved the fucking thing onto the street.

Due to your "assistance" I now have to go out every Tuesday, collect my bin from where you've left it and bring it nearer the house in order that I may use it.

Seriously, I have begged and pleaded for you to leave it alone and you just cheerily smile and wander away with it. I've since discovered you're deaf. Normally I'd feel a pang of guilt but no. You know exactly what I'm saying, you're playing with your disability.

Don't deny it, you're reading this. You read the letter attached to aforementioned bin that ranged from the initial polite to the final "FUCK OFF AND LEAVE THIS BIN HERE" Complete with my house number and phone number but you never came to explain your actions.

Today you've taken my bin for the final time. Next week it will be booby trapped. You have had your final warning. Sweet dreams cunt.

J x