Hmmmm, spicey

Remember this?

Well tonight I realised I've not cooked anything recently so I decided to make another. Except this time I made it HOT. Seriously fucking hot. I was so pleased with it! I gave some to a neighbour and he came to return the plate about half an hour later. His eyes were streaming, his nose was running like a train and he had beads of sweat all over his face.

He managed to bleat"If my arse explodes I'm going to sue you, ya pommy bastard!" I replied that if he's a big ugly shiela then he should stay away from mens food. We have a great relationship.

Had to see TT today to sort out transferring bills and stuff. Sad.

Do ants sleep?

I'm curious: If I leave any manner of food on my outside table overnight you can guarantee that by the morning there is a steady march of ants trying to escort it, fragment by fragment, to their little ant houses. (ant houses, not out houses - they don't build little outdoor toilets - so far as I'm aware)

And yet if I leave food on the table in front of me like now(night time) there's not an ant to be seen. Do they sleep at night? It can't be because I'm here, ants aren't shy. They don't do little ant screams and run away when I come outside in the morning. Nothing interrupts their marching activities until I take the food source to the outdoor bin.

You know what I think? Ants are solar powered. They can only operate in sunlight. That explains why Australia has so many of them. There's no shortage of sunlight here and this country has more ants than anywhere I've ever been in my life.

I think this is an important issue that needs discussion. I may call Nova radio in the morning - they have lots of intelligent listeners.

Finally! A sort of serious post!

Well. What a strange 24 hours it's been friends and neighbours. Last night I spent almost all my time chatting on messenger/Gmail chat. Three very memorable conversations. The first was with a new reader who also reads TTs website. It was so odd to pour my heart out to someone I've never met and yet trusted so much. It was also odd to chat with someone that has access to both blogs. She's only the second person in the world to my knowledge because I did actually give TTs address to another wonderfully supportive reader the other day. But this was the opposite was around - it was one of TT's readers that I then told my address.

Oh, It's so odd.

Then, I happened to check stumble across a website where someone had posted a note saying they wanted a partner to join a Latin Dancing club. I emailed the person to say that TT and I used to go and that there was no need to take a partner since everyone just gets randomly paired anyway. Lots of singles attend. I got an email reply from her and somehow we then ended up chatting on messenger. Again, she had advice for me regards current situation.

Isn't it just amazing how nice the world is? I'm so used to moaning about people and noticing all the things wrong with the world and yet now, when I need support, I'm getting it from complete strangers as well as blog friends and real friends. Because of the way things are I'm still seeing most things through black tinted glasses, but despite my depression decent people are appearing in droves to help me.

The final conversation was really odd. It was with a friend in the UK who's happily married. For some reason she asked if I was happy with TT. Of course I said I was because I don't want the news to be public to my friends and family yet. I asked why she'd asked and she said, as though it was the most normal thing in the world, "Oh, me and hubby just took some pictures of me naked and I was going to ask what you thought of them. But I wont since TT probably wouldn't approve..."

Eh? What the fuck?!

I told her TT really wouldn't mind and she sent me three photos. How odd is that? This is a girl I went to college with. In fact, there's even a picture of her on this blog somewhere. We dated a bit years ago, but since then we've just been friends. Why on earth did she offer to do such a weird thing? How lucky am I that I could accept the offer with only a huge feeling of guilt rather than a devastating one?!

I ended up going to bed about 5am and, get this, woke at 3pm. Yeah, honestly. I think it's because the last few days I've had slight sleep issues. Ie. Couldn't do it.

I was in a bit of a dilemma then. I'd managed to get invited to the Brissy Bloggers meet up. And I know none of them except of course my new reader that primarily reads TT. I really wasn't sure whether to attend or not. So I done the obvious thing and fell asleep on the patio. And got sunburnt. I'm so with it this weekend.

I woke up and instantly started chatting with yet another wonderful reader. You guys are SO keeping me going. I googled for a map of where the venue for the blogger meet up was. It was at the end of my fucking street! I walk past it every day! I decided I would go so I got showered and headed off.

We met at a Japanese restaurant. Here's some advice: If you're not too shit hot at using chopsticks, never order noodle soup. I've always been happy using them, but for noodle soup? I thought that was slightly excessive.

I met some wonderful people, so friendly. The only problem was that there were about 12 people there and we were on bench style seating. A round table would have really helped the social aspect (Sorry Jen!)

We then headed off to a smaller ice-cream cafe type place across the street. A few people had left the group by then so it was more social because the people left could all interact more. Apart from a disagreement on the Aussie terms for vegetables (fucking capsicums and shallots reared there ugly alternate names again!) a good time seemed to be had by all. And honestly, I don't think anyone was that pissed of with me for the shallot thing!

I was in an odd mood, due to the current circumstances, so I feel a bit worried that I was a bit of a splodge on the evening. Smiling in company is such a strain at the moment. Hopefully I may be invited to another and I'll rock up smiling and happy. Let's hope eh?

Big fish, little fish

I'm listening to my 'generic MP3 player" (cos it's bad to publicise I-pods or any other brand name innit? Oh fuck. Oh well...)

Anyhoos, I'm listening to a dance/trance track that goes:

bum ba bum ba bum ba - techno, techno, techno, do do do do do do do, clap, clap, clap, SQUEAL!

And you can't help but shake your arse to it even if you hate this shit. Oh yeah baby, I'm shakin' me arse big time.

Guess the tune. Prize to the winner. Seriously. It'll probably be a crappy aussie souvenir but ask vuboq, some of them are great! And they only cost me about $1 plus postage. People that live just around the corner from me are favoured as winners since the postage would be lower. I'll just bring the fucking thing round. Wouldn't you love a booma or aussie slang t-shirt if you lived here in Brissy?!

Loves to you all. I'm in a lovey mood, been chatting to a couple of wonderful people today. You know who you are ;)

Souper quality

Out of laziness I decided to have a can of soup for lunch. It was Heinz "Big 'n' Chunky" Beef and Veg. Well. It was supposed to be. I opened the can and poured it into the saucepan in one smooth movement - I used to be a canned food connoisseur. But most of it spilt in transit or splashed back out of the saucepan.

Why? Because it was thinner than an anorexic Ethiopian - it was like water but with less sustenance.

On the tin it says "If dissatisfied with this quality product please return packaging and contents to..." Er. Excuse me Mr Fucking Heinz, but how the fuck do I do that exactly?! The fucking stuff is so diluted it would probably evaporate if I tried to pour it into a fucking envelope. And I'm not 100% sure on where exactly to buy a waterproof envelope.

Luckily I was chatting with Two Cents at the time and she had the remarkably good idea of delivering it in person. But can you imagine it?

Me: "Hi receptionist, I'm here for an 11 o' clock with the director of quality control"

[11am]

Director: "Who are you?!"

Me: "Oh, I just wondered if you could answer a question or two for me. How the hell did you get your job? Did you find a token in a cereal box or something?"

Director: "Ummmm...."

Me: "And how do you keep it? Do you suck off the boss under the desk or what?"

Director: "Is there a problem?"

Me: [sloops the soup over him] "There's the product and here's the fucking packaging!" [thud]

Really, I don't see that I have any other choice. After all, I am dissatisfied and that's what the tin says I must do.

vuboq gets me into drama/trouble/strife

I'm going to apologise in advance. I sense this is going to be a weekend of silly little updates as I'm so bored I can't help but type things as I think of them.

Last night I had a beer and as a result got a little pissy. (I actually think it may have been the four subsequent beers and a substantial amount of wine that done it, but I'm going to blame the first one - after all, he started it. And yes, beer is a masculine word, therefore 'he' is appropriate)

Anyhoo, I decided to read a few blogs and Mr vuboq had written a post entitled, of all the rude things:

"Sit on My Face and Tell Me That You Love Me"

I just couldn't stop giggling about it. So I thought it would be a great idea to SMS three girly friends in the UK with just that line and no explanation. Yeah, I already told you I was pissy.

The first response came about 1 minute later: "You're drunk aren't you? Hugs x"

The second was about half an hour later: "Where and when? Ha Ha Ha. Can I cum?"

The third didn't reply. That's the one I'm worried about. I've got to wait another few hours until the UK wakes up before I can ring to explain it was a joke. I'm sure she's not offended really - more likely just too tight to SMS me back.

I'm such a boy slut. Bloody vuboq....! :)

Messenger silliness

Two excerpts from recent Messenger chats with my wonderful mum:

Chat #1
Mum: So what are you up to son?

Me: Gonna grab a tallie from the bottlo

Mum: What's a bottlo?

Me: A bottleshop - an offie in the UK

Mum: ok. What's a tallie?

Me: It's a long neck

Mum: Which is?

Me: A big stubbie

Mum: What the hell is a stubbie?

Me: A small bottle of beer

Mum: So why the hell didn't you just say you're going to the off-license to get a large bottle of beer?

Me: "Gonna grab a tallie from the bottlo" is easier!

Mum: It's such a shame you've already forgotten how to speak English my son!


Chat #2
Mum: I woke up with toothache so I called my dentist but he's in Prague

Me: Shit mate! That's a long way to go whenever you get toothache! Why don't you register with one that's nearer home?

Mum: You think you're funny but you're not. And making me laugh is not helping!

Me: I crack me up. Really hope it gets better soon...

I love her to pieces! I am concerned about my increasing aussieness though. Whenever I speak to anyone on the phone in the UK they make comments. I think it's more the increased coarseness, decreased shyness and the use of slang. I keep ending nouns with "ie" or "o" as is the aussie way. I guess it's like living in any foreign country - when you're surrounded you just can't help but absorb it.

Mr Vuboqs questions

Mr Vuboq recently offered to continue a meme whereby he'd ask anyone 5 questions and they have to post it. I was in urgent need of some distraction so I asked him to send me 5. Here they are with my responses.

I guess I have to respond in a likewise manner, so if you'd like 5 questions just send me an email or leave a comment and I'll give you 5 things to think about!

1. How many countries have you visited? Which one was your favorite and why?

I'm a bit of a travel whore! Let's see, england, scotland, wales, north ireland, ireland, belgium, lux, nederlands, germany, france, norway, sweden, poland, hungary, czech republic, slovakia, slovenia, greece, turkey, cyprus, italy, spain, portugal, andorra, US, peru, tunisia, bolivia, japan, china, united arab emerates, australia, new zealand (north island only), malaysia, singapore. I make that 35 but it's more if I split the US into florida, texas, california, NY.

Many of them I've been to multiple times or even lived in (England, Wales, France, US, Aus). Of course, Aus is my favourite but I have to say that as I'm seeking residency! If you mean just a shorter term visit then probably France because it has such a wonderful diversity of regions.

2. If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, would we all have a Merry Christmas?

Mate, we'd be stoked! May I correct myself? People that like candy and nuts would be stoked. Diet consultants would be merry any time of year no matter whether they liked candy and nuts or not - all the new chubbies would be great for business.

3. What are your strongest and weakest personality traits?

Oooh. Good one. It's so hard to work out what you even mean! Do you mean the traits I have that show most strongly and weakly? Or do you mean the parts of my personality that show strength and weakness?

I think my warped sense of humour is probably the strongest thing either way. I tend to turn everything into a dry humoured joke but fortunately I generally keep it to myself in my strange little mind.

My weakest trait would be inappropriate nonchalence. I just don't give a fuck. See above :)

4. Your doctor tells you that you have 6 months to live. What do you do (after getting a second opinion)?

I so want to say "Please see Question 3, part b" But I wont. That would be cheating I guess? I have no fear of death hence my awful lifestyle.

The only thing I can think of is touring the world meeting my bloggy friends, catching up with other friends and I'd die with my wonderful family. My partner (choke) counts as family too. I'd want her to be with me too and I'm sure she would be.

5. What are you going to cook for your next Meat-free Monday meal?

That's a good idea. I must start partaking again. I've discovered these weird little yellow things I've never seen before that Aussies call "squashies". They're probably available everywhere but I've never seen them in the UK before. You just boil them and they taste beaut. So I'm going to invent a dish that involves them. I'm guessing they'll suck up spices really well so my final answer is: An uncommon dish known as "You beaut spicy squash surprise". How's that? Named the dish before I've even made it!

I've got the best readers in the world

I got a lot of supportive comments on my last post. I replied to everyone but I know lots of people dont check back so I thought I'd paste the summary here in the hope you get to see it:

ALL: (Including of course Lisa, Helen UK, Helen Aus, Mel and Heidi that spoke to me through chat or email direct)

I appreciate your support. And that's the biggest fucking understatement I've ever made. In my hours of need you've all been there for me. Even people I don't know. How wonderful are you lot? "Fucking superb" is the answer! You really, really are.

I'll never forget this. The next time someone tells you the Internet is just for nerds and geeks refer them to this post.

I'm in a foreign country totally alone but suddenly I don't feel isolated. You guys are out there and that makes me really happy.

Thank you all so very much.

PS. It goes without saying I owe you all. Got a problem? Just tell me and I'll do my best! ;)

Black

It's my most feared and horrid nightmare come true. I'm here to tell you that as I type this TT is packing. We're parting company. I thought it was going to be in a few days, (although hoping never of course) but it's actually today.

Teary eyed, no sleep all night, got to go. I LOVE HER AND ALWAYS WILL.

Panic

Last night tt got ill. It was awful. We've no idea what caused it. I was out on the patio playing with my laptop as the TV wasn't overly entertaining. I went in about 10 minutes later and she was asleep. I tried to wake her to tell her one of her favourite programmes was on TV. I couldn't wake her.

I bricked myself. She just couldn't be woken. I checked breath and pulse and although the pulse was weak it was regular and breathing was fine. I managed to get some eye flicker and got her up. She immediately fell over. I wanted to call emergency services and realised I didn't actually know the number for it over here. How terrible is that?

I tried 999 and 911. Neither worked. I got her up again and she seemed a little better. I wanted her to go to bed and she agreed but wanted to go loo first. I took her in, turned my back to try and find emergency number in the white pages and heard a crash as she fell of the toilet.

It was awful.

She regained the ability to talk and told me she felt ok but just couldn't keep her eyes open. I was desperate to call emergency services and was trying to get the number out of her. She just wanted to sleep.

I decided to let her sleep but keep a very close eye on her. I didn't dare go to bed for about 4 hours. I just kept checking her breathing and pulse.

This morning she couldn't remember anything about it. And she couldn't walk straight. She's never done drugs apart from passive cannabis and that was years ago. I'm so worried about her. She's had the day off work and I'm happy to say she's looking a lot better now. But it was so weird.

Things between us may not be perfect at the moment but I'll never stop loving her and this has reminded me once again how she's everything to me.

Justice shall prevail

Remember this story from a couple of days ago?

Well, take a look at the photo below. Sorry it's such poor quality, it was taken yesterday on my camera phone and I was trying to make it look as though I was taking a call so not to elevate an already heated situation. Can you guess what it is?!

Well, the location is the end of my street. I live behind the trees on the right. The skinny 6ft youth is kid A that took a dive through the hedge the other night! The fridge like thing stood behind him is the biggest, meanest fucking copper I've ever seen.

He's actually hand cuffing the kids hands behind his back. I don't know about Australia but in the UK such positions are normally reserved entirely for very dangerous criminals. But there had just been a kerfuffle - the silly bastard called the copper a cunt and then tried to cycle away. His bike was no match for super-cop. It took all of about two strides for him to grab the kid by the t- shirt and bodily pull him off the bike. The bike is visible just in front of them.

As he'd lifted the kid, legs flailing, into the air he'd just roared "I'm a cunt am I?! Well you're a fucking shit and you're a nicked shit now!" The silly boy actually kicked him in the leg to try and get away. Oooops. Bad move. The copper just somehow bent him over his knee, grabbed both of his arms and that was it. Cuffed. In a matter of seconds. In the picture turbo cop is actually attaching a second pair of cuffs to the first which he then used to secure the kid to the white railings so that he could go and fetch his car from around the corner.

It was pretty brutal!

So, boys and girls. Do what you will, but always remember that they will get you in the end! Oh, and never, ever, even if you're high on mind bending drugs, never call turbo-cop a cunt or kick him in the leg.

Oh my....

It's 8.55am on Saturday morning here in Brisbane.

I went on a bit of a severe drinking session last night. I just got up, went to the fridge to get some cool water and then to the freezer to get some ice. Sitting right at the front of the freezer was a chilli pepper.

I suddenly recalled what happened: Last night when I got back, for some reason that only total drunkeness can explain, I decided to take a bite of pepper. I thought "Fuck! That's hot!" and chucked it in the freezer to cool down for later...

Yeah, I really was that out of it.

But I did meet a really cool bloke. He was a professional voice over guy and could do impressions of anyone - his Homer and Marge Simpson were amazing! He could also do all of the regional accents from the UK. But you know the oddest thing?

He had no idea where I was from. He said I certainly sounded British but with a lot of Aussie influence. He figured I was from London and had Aussie parents. Wrong! Ha ha ha.

I've got to go. If you hear a loud bang within the next couple of hours it's probably my head exploding. I don't think I've had a hangover before. Don't like them.

Frustration

Flies are really fucking annoying aren't they? You shake your head or hands and they just come back 5 seconds later. Try to swat them and they're too fast.

Bastards.

That's all.

Britney Sperm , Spurt, Spunk, Spears(or whatever her name is): Ooops I did it again...

Do any of you guys remember this post? Probably not since it was in another life.

Well, tonight something very similar happened.

And I'm not sure whether to blog about it. This combined with my outrage at wankface the other day will make me seem like a pyscho.

But on the other hand, it's what's going on in my life at the moment so I feel kind of obliged to tell you. Even if it does make everyone even more confused about me.

Now I've kind of introduced it I'll tell you regardless. Are you sitting comfortably?

A couple of days ago I was sat at the bus stop and some old lady started telling me how wonderful the flowers surrounding it were. For once I had actually noticed because I'm a budding gardener now. And I also know the guy that planted them as they're just behind my house.

As always I'm digressing. She said how pretty they were and how sad she had none of her own. I started feeling a little "Good Samaritan" feeling coming on:

Me: "Oh, that's awful! If you like flowers you should plant some!"

Her: "I can't do that"

Me: "Of course you can, if you live nearby me or my girlfriend can come and help you!"

Her: "I can plant seeds! I'm not that old and fragile! I just have nowhere to plant them"

Me: "Nonsense. I've got a couple of window boxes I don't use, we'll bring them over to you" (This was a blatant lie by the way, I have no window boxes but I was making a mental note to buy them and at the same time wondering how to make them look used!)

Her: "I have a garden but some youths pushed over my fence a couple of days ago. It's crushed my favourite rose bush. And I've no chance of lifting it up"

Me: [almost stunned into silence by outrage again] "Who would do that?! That's terrible! Do you know who done it?"

She said she didn't but she took me to her house to show me the damage to her fence and garden. I fixed up the fence for her. Well, if you want to be picky, I picked it up. I'm not much of a practical DIY guy, and we also found some sticks to tie up the rose bush as best as possible. I'm pretty sure it will survive.

But. This all happened a couple of days ago. And I didn't bother blogging about it then. Why? Cos it was just a sad story. Now it's a happier one.

Tonight I was sitting on our patio reading a book when I heard a pack of youths go by. I wouldn't have thought much about it but I somehow caught the words "rose bushes"

I waited a few seconds and then went outside and nonchalantly followed them.

They were pulling up / off signs, plants, posts, all the way to the end of the street! Despite the noise there were actually only 4 of them. 2 boys and 2 girls. The girls were the two doing most of the damage. This put me in a major drama since I never, ever, touch a female with any intent of violence.

So one of the boys "fell" over the nearest hedge. I grabbed the next one pretty slowly to give the girls a good chance to run away. He asked if I was a policeman. I told him that a policeman could never do this - WHACK across the back of the head - and said that if I ever saw him again I'd be angry.

Then I ran off in the direction of the girls. They were panting on the next corner. Again, they asked if I was a copper. I was pretty puffed and hardly able to answer. I just nodded and they sat down on the pavement. One of them started crying.

I couldn't handle that shit so I just asked for their names, their addresses (which I couldn't write down as I had no pen or paper!), nodded and told them they could leave. But again, they'd be cautioned if I ever saw them again.

I bet/hope there are gonna be some pretty awful rumours going around their school tomorrow! I'm still fucked. Hardly managed to even touch my beers and I'm gonna have to go to bed.

Job application

We're thinking about moving around a little. If any of you guys know of a company that could use the talents of yours truly please contact me. Probably best not to give them this blog address because I don't write it with "Impressing future employers" at the forefront of my mind!

I've worked in 4 continents so location is not a drama. I enjoy all nature of computer related nerdiness and I'll forward my CV / resume to anyone that may be interested. Please pass this info onto your friends. Our lease is up for renewal soon and I think some travel is in order. We need a change of scenery!

Hooray for bargains

Tonight I walked down the bottlo after a hard day of working from home. I probably would have gone before 5pm but it was so damn hot today.

The guy working there, who knows me too well, told me gleefully that he'd had a new till installed. And the boss who had programmed it had fucked up HUGE style and the 6 packs were coming up as the single rate price.

I got 6 bottlos of red wine (about a cask of goon!), 6 tallies (750ml) of Tooheys beer, 12 UDLs (Orange vodka drink stuff for shielas), 6 Rumbos (440ml tinnies of premix bundy and coke) for $40. Stoked.

Now for extra fun spot how many aussie slangs I accidently put in the sentence above and tell me I'm not living in a country of booze fuelled alcoholics...!

I love Australia.

Pizza

Last night tt cooked. This is a rare occasion. So rare that (don't tell her I said this) she's very bad at it. The food was basically inedible so we ordered pizza. I went a meat-lovers, tt went chicken and mushroom.

I called and asked for the best price on our order. I was told that the meat-lovers had gone up in price and was now $25. The chicken one was gonna be $19. Why do they try to rip us off so much? We regularly get flyers through the post offering us large pizzas for $5.

$44 for $10 worth of pizza?! I lied and told the guy I had a voucher. He asked what it said. I rustled some paper and said "It says here any two pizzas for $12. There's no mention of surcharges for chicken or meat-lovers pizza..."

The pizza tasted so much better because of that!

Oh, by the way, when they turned up we had to guess which was which. Why is pizza always like that? It should be so easy to tell the difference between the two? If nothing else you'd think that mushroom would be easy enough to identify? Curse pizza....

Rubbish post. Literally.

We have our own rubbish bin but we share two recycling bins with 8 other households.

This has never been a problem before but recently one of the neighbours sold up and moved on. So now we have a new 'neighbour' - another Brit I'm ashamed to admit, and he has no idea when it comes to recycling. He regularly chucks his rubbish into who evers bin is closest and often that's the recycle bin.

Today I caught him in the act. He was trying to cram a big black sack of rubbish into the recycle bin. I felt urged to talk to him....

Me: "Hey! Mate! That's the recycle bin you know?"

Him: "So?"

Me: "Well, that means you put glass, paper, recyclable bottles and stuff like that in there."

Him: "Fuck that. I can't be bothered."

Me: [feeling a little outraged] "Well listen wankface. It's for recyclable stuff only. And while we're on the subject, that bin there is mine. I'd appreciate it if you don't put your crap in it so that it's full when I try to use it"

[he puffs up and starts walking towards my garden]

Him: "What did you just call me?"

Me: "I'm sorry. Is shit head easier for you to understand?"

[he really puffs up now]

Me: "If you put one foot on my steps the outcome wont be pretty pal..."

[he hesitates]

Me: "Now why don't we just forget about this and in future you'll put your rubbish in your bin and recycle the rest?"

Him: "I guess so. I'm new to Australia...."

He came over about an hour later with a bottle of wine for me.

It's amazing what a bit of tact can do isn't it?! And no, you don't want to even know what I'm like when I'm being tactless....

Like UB40: Red red wine....

Mr Vuboq wrote a post quite recently which featured his displeasure at having a bottle of wine and no corkscrew. It reminded me of this story:

Some time ago I was staying at a B & B in deepest darkest Oxfordshire or thereabouts. It was a lovely place ran by a lovely woman who had recently divorced her husband. It was extremely remote and it was the depths of winter. The roads leading to the place were coated with at least a meter of snow.

The quality was un-faultable. She done everything perfectly. The place was immaculate. The paintings on the wall of my room probably cost more than my home at the time. Her gardens were tended by a team of 3 gardeners and it attracted wild deer. Absolutely wonderful.

However, after a couple of days I really fancied a beer so I went to ask the owner where the nearest pub was. To my horror she said it was about 3 miles away. Ie. Totally unreachable. She then asked if I'd like to buy a bottle of wine from her to satisfy my cravings. Naturally I agreed. Even though it was a really expensive little french number. I then asked to borrow a corkscrew. She didn't have one. Apparently a previous guest had borrowed it and never returned it.

I said it didn't matter as I had one in my bag. I returned to my room and then discovered it was missing. I was choked. I then thought about it more logically. What did people do before some smartarse invented corkscrews? I decided to try and carve it out with my penknife.

Things went pretty well until I got about half way through. By that point it was really difficult to get the blade far enough into the neck of the bottle to reach the remaining cork. Then I was struck with an inspirational idea: Push the remainder of the cork into the bottle!

I inserted the blade, covered the handle of the knife with my palm and then used my other hand to administer a sharp shove. It worked! Perfectly! But the force of the cork being inserted into the bottle caused the wine to expel itself from the bottle at a very rapid rate.

Wine went everywhere. Over the walls, over the terribly expensive sheepskin rug, over the bed, even splashed onto the ceiling. More importantly it managed to get into my eyes. In shock I dropped the bottle and it hit the antique mahogany table. And smashed the bottom out. Suddenly I was paddling in high quality french red wine.

I spent the rest of the evening trying to clean the room as best I could. It took me hours and even then I didn't manage to do a very good job. Still, it's the thought that counts eh?

Red Rooster

I could (and should) just google this to find out the answer, but I can't be arsed: Is Red Rooster (Or Red Rooter as we tend to call it) a global chain or just an Aussie thing? It's basically identical to KFC but we certainly didn't have them in the UK. But then, Subway have only just started to spread over there too. So tell me, do you have a rooter in your part of the world?

Just call me green fingers...

As many of you will already know, I love cooking. And herbs / spices tend to feature quite prominently in most of my creations. Although I buy spices in bulk from Indian grocery stores I seem to be forever running out of herbs.

So on Saturday I bough some packets of seeds. I bought thyme, rosemary, sweet basil and marjoram. I would have bought more but that's all the shop had. I also purchased a small bag of potting compost and a trowel. I felt so ripped off buying the compost. The 5l bag cost $3.99 whereas the 25l bag costs $4.50. Unfortunately we were getting the bus home so I had to go with the lighter bag.

Anyways, we got back and I chose a small area of our mini rain forest and scraped away the bark chippings with my trowel. I then watered the soil, scattered my seeds and poured the contents of the potting compost over the top. I don't think that's the way it should be done but it saved digging holes.

The seed packets said that seedlings should emerge with 12 - 14 days.
I've been lovingly watering the cultivated patch every day since. And guess what I spotted this morning? Seedlings! Today! A mere 6 days after planting! There are only two possible explanations:

a) I'm an expert gardener
b) I bought super seeds

I think b is probably more likely since every plant I've ever owned in the past has tragically died within days of being in my care. Hence I'm not going to count my herbs until they're ready for harvesting...

Suitcase update #2

Got it open! Guess what the number was? Fucking 991. DOH! I hate me sometimes. And I've no idea why I chose that, the number means nothing to me.

Suitcase update #1

I've done 000 thru 500. I knew I should have started from 999....

The suitcase

When I moved to Aus I brought a large solid suitcase. It has a combination lock. Since I got here I've used it to store anything private, such as Christmas presents, away from tt. Just before we went to Peru I put some personal stuff in there. I now need to access the stuff. And I've forgotten the combination. BAH!

My options are:
a) Try each possible combination sequentially. After all, there are only 1000
b) Use a scouse key to open the thing

A will take a long time. B will render it useless. Hmm. Dilemma....

Weird Tuesday

oh mates, it really has been. I spoke to a friend on messenger then came home. Couldn't be bothered to work. The company should sack me shouldn't they? Fine. I dont care if they do.

If that happens I just want to visit all my lovely readers.

But I shouldn't.

TT has admitted/suggested that what she said was a mistake.

I've no idea what's going on dear readers. I'm a fucked up individual. TT would probably be better off without me. If I was forced to tell the truth I'd probably confess that I wanted to take her on a path of drugs, sex, alcohol and rock'n'roll.

I wouldn't really.

Or would I?

If she was threatened would I kill the bastard or try to reason with him? These are the sort of things I cant get out of my head.

Gnagh. I'm pissy. I'll shut up. If you're reading this there's a chance I'll be begging to come and see you soon.

But there's also a very high chance I'll be begging you to pretend you never read this in the morning.

Fuck again. G'night. sleep tight....

Oh, btw: speaking to the friend on messenger was the best thing I've done all day. I think that's making me feel bad too.

I'm at work. Really, I am......!

Woo hoo! Today! I'm up to date! And I'm writing this from work coz the boss is off all week. I'm not usually one to take advantage of such things but hey, I'm still not feeling normal. I'm going home. I'll probably update from there.

I typed about 12 blog posts. Finally virtually up to date! Yey! Didn't do anything else except try to burn a dvd with a roaring lack of success.

I hate MS.

I hate DVDs.

I hate films.

Who'd think something so simple could cause so much frustration? It broke my internet connection and it gave me a virus. "Spaced" can go fuck itself....

Just incase my friend is reading this: Fuck. Cunt. Shit. Arse. Dont know what the fuck you're fucking talking about you shitty headed arse. I've not got a fucking swear problem you cunt. Sorted? Good. I always knew you were a spunk face. You wank-splat. Let this be a lesson. Don't email me shit. Put it on here! Let eveyone have a giggle, toss pot!

Random but genuine

Today I installed MS Messenger. First time I've used it for months. Why? Because one of my lovely readers said I could chat to them and although we're really complete strangers to one another I wanted to.

It was the best few hours I've spent since getting back from Peru. I wont embarrass her by naming her here but I would like to say: "Thanks again. You'll probably never know how much that chat cheered me up". So there.

That was without doubt the highlight of my day.

Its easter saturday. Yay. Rejoice all you christian folk....

We went shopping at Garden city so I could buy TT an Easter present. I got carried away. I bought her loads and spent a fortune. I'm stupid.

When we got home I went and done the grocery shopping. Met one of my friends in the store and he offered to give me a lift home which meant I could get more than usual. I spent another fortune.

All in all a good day but very expensive. My friend commented that I seemed to be swearing more than usual. He's right. For some reason I keep dropping F bombs all the time. I've even been using the C word which I hate. Very out of character. I think it's related to "The Incident" which is still making me overly nonchalant. Fuck it.

On another note I got out the Little Britain DVD, series 1 & 2. I think that's the 3rd time. I should buy it to save rental money. What am I saying? I mean I should download it....

Our Easer Friday

Why do they call it Good Friday? Cos we don't have to go to work of course! Yey for religion! I heard a really sick joke about easter today but it's so sick I wont repeat it here. I am a christian after all.

Anyhoo. Today we went out. We caught a train and bus combo to a place called Redcliffe. It's just to the north of Brisbane and it's very near to where tt actually grew up. She's always told me it's a horrible place with a high ratio of weirdos, crime and drugs. To be honest when we got on the final bus I was very tempted to agree with her.

The bus was very full and several grabbed my attention. Firstly there was "The angry lady". She was fantastic. I had to block my ears otherwise I would have spent the whole journey laughing. I'm so mean. It really wasn't her fault, she had some sort of condition, probably similar to turrets syndrome. She couldn't speak without sounding angry. She just put the vocal stress on all the wrong words. Loudly. Eg. "Look at that shop. ITS BRIGHT GREEN!!!", "When we get of the bus YOU MUST follow me", "Did you really forget to bring the sun screen? YOU'RE SO FORGETFUL!" I nearly pissed myself. Sorry.

The next was the "Ugly woman". I wish I had a photo. But she would have broken my cameraphone. She was about 50, the same colour as a radish and if she'd been about an inch taller she'd have been perfectly round. She had some sort of skin problem. Have you ever seen a 50 yr old woman with acne? I have. Finally, her nose was about the same size as the average persons shoe. I know they say some people have a face that only a mother can love but that's not appropriate here. I think her mother was so frightened she probably fed her with a catapult.

Then there was the annoying Chinese man. He spoke loudly on his mobile for the whole journey. Very loudly. Like shouting. And he kept pressing the bell thing to stop the bus. Each time he pressed it the driver would pull over, he'd look at the street and then shout something in chinese. The driver would grunt and continue driving. He was annoying.

Finally (I'm almost done whinging) there were a bunch of slappers. About 5 girls all around 13. If you'd taken their "skirts" and sewn them together you might almost have made one normal sized one. Honestly, they were belts. I don't mind girls in short skirts, in fact I rather like them, but not when they're 13. Do they have parents?! Fuck. I must me getting so old. I sound like my dad.

I managed to refrain from laughing the whole we way and we finally arrived. My first emotion after getting off the bus was an impressed one. I'd been expecting the place to look like my old home town. Eg. Shit. It was actually rather nice. We went to a cafe and had some breakfast. Then we headed off to find the festival we'd actually come for.

All in all it was definitely a decent day. The thing that probably made me laugh most was a food stall: "Authentic Peruvian and Bolivian dishes". As if! Can you believe that?! My excitement was shortlived. They didn't even have any roast guinea pigs. I asked the stall holder if his food would give me Salmonella. He said no. I asked if it would give me the shits. Again he said no. Jeez, has he never even been to Peru? He didn't even try to pick my pocket me or anything. Weirdo. How can he sleep at night calling that "authentic"?

Oh. The other thing that I laughed about was the sky diving easter bunny. How could I forget? Only in Aus could they find that sort of thing normal. Basically they got a guy to put on an oversized (about 7ft unless he was really very tall) bunny costume. Then they pushed him out of a plane above Redcliffe beach. When he finally floated down he probably wished he hadn't. He was immediately swamped by about 500 kids. I found it very amusing.

After that we headed home. We then realised that TT had got sunburnt. She now has a ridiculous tan pattern consisting of bra straps, singlet straps and bag straps. I call her the stripe queen. The only plus side is that I get to rub in after-sun lotion. No complaints from me...

I just don't give a fuck. Still....

The guys I work for have extended my contract. They're talking about making me a permanent employee rather than a contractor. Do they think I'm mad? I currently earn about 3 times what my manager does. OK, I don't get sick pay and I've no job security, but who cares? I don't get sick often, when I do I just turn up to work. I'd rather share illness than miss out on pay. And I don't need security, this is Australia - jobs are easy to find. And I like time off.

To encourage me to accept their offer they've upgraded my PC. And I'm actually quite excited about it. I've been given two huge flat screens. I'm such a fucking nerd.

I've also been given the authority to abuse and insult the boss. Well. That's a half truth - I've not been given that right but I've taken it as mine anyway. I took today off work and called to say I was working from home. They bought it. For some reason I can't get the Eminem song "I just don't give a fuck" out of my head. Does it show?

Something about nothing

Things have continued to improve during the week. Not sure how or why but things are definately getting better. I'm beginning to believe that TT really does regret the stuff she said. But naturally I'm still pretty confused.

New month, new thoughts.

I considered suicide today.

April fools. Ha ha.

I crack me up.