Britney Sperm , Spurt, Spunk, Spears(or whatever her name is): Ooops I did it again...

Do any of you guys remember this post? Probably not since it was in another life.

Well, tonight something very similar happened.

And I'm not sure whether to blog about it. This combined with my outrage at wankface the other day will make me seem like a pyscho.

But on the other hand, it's what's going on in my life at the moment so I feel kind of obliged to tell you. Even if it does make everyone even more confused about me.

Now I've kind of introduced it I'll tell you regardless. Are you sitting comfortably?

A couple of days ago I was sat at the bus stop and some old lady started telling me how wonderful the flowers surrounding it were. For once I had actually noticed because I'm a budding gardener now. And I also know the guy that planted them as they're just behind my house.

As always I'm digressing. She said how pretty they were and how sad she had none of her own. I started feeling a little "Good Samaritan" feeling coming on:

Me: "Oh, that's awful! If you like flowers you should plant some!"

Her: "I can't do that"

Me: "Of course you can, if you live nearby me or my girlfriend can come and help you!"

Her: "I can plant seeds! I'm not that old and fragile! I just have nowhere to plant them"

Me: "Nonsense. I've got a couple of window boxes I don't use, we'll bring them over to you" (This was a blatant lie by the way, I have no window boxes but I was making a mental note to buy them and at the same time wondering how to make them look used!)

Her: "I have a garden but some youths pushed over my fence a couple of days ago. It's crushed my favourite rose bush. And I've no chance of lifting it up"

Me: [almost stunned into silence by outrage again] "Who would do that?! That's terrible! Do you know who done it?"

She said she didn't but she took me to her house to show me the damage to her fence and garden. I fixed up the fence for her. Well, if you want to be picky, I picked it up. I'm not much of a practical DIY guy, and we also found some sticks to tie up the rose bush as best as possible. I'm pretty sure it will survive.

But. This all happened a couple of days ago. And I didn't bother blogging about it then. Why? Cos it was just a sad story. Now it's a happier one.

Tonight I was sitting on our patio reading a book when I heard a pack of youths go by. I wouldn't have thought much about it but I somehow caught the words "rose bushes"

I waited a few seconds and then went outside and nonchalantly followed them.

They were pulling up / off signs, plants, posts, all the way to the end of the street! Despite the noise there were actually only 4 of them. 2 boys and 2 girls. The girls were the two doing most of the damage. This put me in a major drama since I never, ever, touch a female with any intent of violence.

So one of the boys "fell" over the nearest hedge. I grabbed the next one pretty slowly to give the girls a good chance to run away. He asked if I was a policeman. I told him that a policeman could never do this - WHACK across the back of the head - and said that if I ever saw him again I'd be angry.

Then I ran off in the direction of the girls. They were panting on the next corner. Again, they asked if I was a copper. I was pretty puffed and hardly able to answer. I just nodded and they sat down on the pavement. One of them started crying.

I couldn't handle that shit so I just asked for their names, their addresses (which I couldn't write down as I had no pen or paper!), nodded and told them they could leave. But again, they'd be cautioned if I ever saw them again.

I bet/hope there are gonna be some pretty awful rumours going around their school tomorrow! I'm still fucked. Hardly managed to even touch my beers and I'm gonna have to go to bed.