Triple take

Random ramblings of a British guy that's moved to Australia. And now back to UK.

Friday, June 30, 2006

This isn't a piss take of the "dullest blog in the world"


I just came in. I burnt toast. The house smells.

Honestly, this isn't a piss take of the dullest blog in the world I linked to today, I'm in serious shit. TT is going to kill me in the morning. It's 1am here and she has to get up for early shift at work tomorrow. 5am. She's gonna throttle me for waking her with the smoke alarms, horrible smell, being up late, etc.

But. Anyway. Last weekend, when we met her friends in the pub, she promised one of her friends she'd go out with her alone. I had no problems with that, I said I'd entertain myself. Quite looking forward to it in fact. But now her friend has backed out so she's not going out.

I still want to go out on my own and paint Brisbane red. Am I wrong? She was the one that initiated the whole "I'm going out with my friend, you entertain yourself" business, don't forget...

You all know I love her way too much to do anything wrong, just wouldn't mind seeing the place on my own a bit. So I can say I done it. Or is that meant to be "So I can say I did it"? Sorry, don't worry, private joke!

My profile update

I've updated my profile a little tonight. Just subtle changes like noting the change of moving to the other side of the world and stuff. While there I also added a new linky bit to the left (Dullest blog in the world) and changed the order a little.

I also adjusted the hover text a bit, now that I know you all a bit more since I first put them up.

When I adjusted my profile I got asked a random question which was, I quote, "The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig:"

Such a request does not bother me, I was born to spout bollocks, so here's what I wrote:

"Once upon a time there was a girl frog. She was once a beautiful princess but she got kissed by the wrong boy. Even as a frog though, she was beautiful. Sadly, she had no long blonde hair, because she was recovering from chemotherapy treatment for the skin cancer she got while she was a vain girl princess looking for prince charming in all the wrong places.

Once the morphine wore off a little she suddenly realised "Shit! I'm a frog! I'm not supposed to have hair! I'll look a freak!" and cancelled her order of a wig immediately. But it turned up regardless. "You just can't get decent customer service these days" she croaked to herself.

She sent it back. The girl frog and wig company are still in battle over the non-ownership of the wig to this day.

The moral of the story is, don't ever send your kids to me when you need a baby sitter.

PS. The bloody wig company sent the wrong size wig anyway."

Unfortunately, blogger told me my reply had to be 150 character or less. So I let MS Word autosummarise it for me. Just take a look at the bollocks I ended up with. Arse to you, Mr Blogger site man.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

I love Queen. The band. "I'm going slightly mad..."

Firstly, a warm welcome to Jay, author of the ever amusing "But Enough About You" blog which I've had as one of my links since pretty much day 1 of starting this blog. For some reason he decided to visit my site last night and subsequently sent me a very kind and muchly appreciated email.

The opening of this email was:

"I blame you for one of the most unproductive mornings I've had in recent times. Believe it or not I sat down and read your entire blog today!... I enjoyed it.

You write well, and at risk of this turning into a mutual wank (don't worry, I know you're straight and in love with TT...) I'll say that I think you have a very good and funny blog too. I'm glad you write a lot...I linked you"

Praise indeed from an undisputed king of blogging (This guy often has around/over 100 comments on his posts!) Thanks Jay, Appreciate it! If you're a good boy I may send you a link to my other blog. It's a little different to this one!

Now, onwards and ever sideways, my ramblings for today:

On my walk into the city I walk past a restaurant, well, I walk past bloody hundreds, but specifically, I walk past one which has a huge sign over the street saying "Eat Here! Tibetan and Sherpa"

For some reason I always visualise this scene in my mind. Imagine a TV studio, the camera is focusing on a couch harbouring two people. 1) Some brave explorer with a frost-bitten, gangreen nose and virtually no teeth. Hair everywhere, chequered shirt. 2) An interviewer, city-slicker-type, immaculate hair, perfect teeth, slick suit - trying to interview Explorer without getting too close:

Interviewer:[NY pure cheese accent] "So, I understand you owe your life to your Sherpa guide?"

Explorer:[Southern US drawl] "Well, hell yeah. If it hadn't been for our Sherpa guide we would have starved on that mountain"

Interviewer: [Tries to feign mock interest, while trying to move the rest of his body in opposite direction] "Really? Tell us more, how exactly did he do that?"

Explorer: [shuffles, probably emitting bad smells] "Well, we were close to starving. Hell yeah boy...[spits]...we nearly died of the starvation on the mountain. If we didn't have that Sherpa we'd all be gonnas now..."

Interviewer: "So how did this Sherpas skills save you from almost certain death on the icy slopes and frozen tundra?" [flashes blinding smile to the camera]

Explorer: "Skills? Hell Boy! He had no SKILLS! We just ate him and then then called for help on the radio...ha ha ha..."

Where the hell does my brain get this stuff from? Is it a scene from a movie I can't recall watching after too much beer/smoke?

Someone, please tell me it is. If it's not then I need to start working immediately. Twice in two days I've began to wonder if I'm going mental.

After meeting TT for lunch in the city I went to the supermarket. We went yesterday and as we struggled down the stairs toward the taxi rank, loaded with shopping I had a brainwave. "Hey TT, since I meet you for lunch every day and it's right next door to this supermarket, why don't I just take a bag of groceries home every day?" I know it sounds obvious looking back on it, but until this point we just habitually done our shopping once a week.

She agreed it would be a good idea so today after meeting her I popped in to see if they had any good offers on. I ended up buying loads of shit that we don't need. It seemed a waste to just buy the sausages and mince that were on special so I bought some of everything on special. I now have a collection of weird looking fruit and vegetables which had labels in the supermarket but I've only now realised weren't labelled on the bags.

Hence, I have no idea on what the hell half the things I bought are. The receipt identifed a couple, but mainly they just show up as "Discounted item - $x.y"

I've identified passion fruit, Longans, Watloks (or something like that). I've looked up recipes involving some of these and I'll be trying my own variations soon. The one I'm really looking forward to is a cocktail/punch I can make with the passion fruit.

On the way home I was feeling pretty happy and I smiled, nodded and said "hello" to every other fellow pedestrian I saw on my street. The success rate was pretty high. Virtually everyone said "hello" back. Some grumpy arses ignored me, but the most unexpected reaction was a girl about 20 or so who just looked at me and burst into tears.

I stopped mid stride, almost fell over, and then asked if she was ok. (yeah, I know, stupid bloody question!) She looked at me, took a huge sniff and said "Nooooooo!!!", immediately started sprinking eye-water, turned, and walked away desperately wiping her eyes. I paused in shock to watch her for a couple of seconds, she turned around and said "Sorry!", got engulfed in tears again, then turned and carried on walking.

Hope it wasn't anything I said.

I'm off to cook a fruit salad now. Yes, cook. I'll explain later.

Save the dolphins! Collect a whole set....

My internet connection at home is back! Yey!

I went to the supermarket today and a guy was stood by the checkout selling recyclable cotton bags to people in the queue. He was doing his schpeel about how many hundreds of years a plastic bag takes to biodegrade etc, and to shut him up I bought some.

I now realise it was a huge ploy by the supermarket. Part of the deal when you buy these "re-usable, environment-friendly bags" is that the cashier packs your groceries for you. When I got home I discovered that Dick McNoBrains, the person serving me, had put a packet of raw meat upside down, at the bottom of every bag. OK, I only bought 4 which only cost a few $, but what's the fucking point?

I've now got "re-usable" bags saturated in raw meat juices. My choices are:

a) Bin them (Which kind of defeats the object)
b) Wash them (A washing cycle? All that water? All that electricity? All that detergent ultimately poisoning the great barrier reef?)

My conclusion: Well done Dick McNoBrains, my intelligent cashier and complimentary packer. I hope you're proud of your contribution to saving the environment.

This reminded me of something else. Dolphins.

A few years ago I worked with in an office and had a secretary who was obsessed with dolphins. She loved them. She had a huge poster behind her desk, dolphin screen-saver, dolphin keyrings, dolphin mouse mat, etc.

One day she popped to the local supermarket on her lunch break and came back with some simple groceries. She showed me a tin of tuna she'd bought on some "Special Offer."

I examined it carefully and then pointed out that it didn't have one of those "dolphin friendly" badges on it, and hence, was almost certainly 100% dolphin meat. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the week and never went back to the shop.

Some people have no sense of humour...

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I was hoping that I'd have lots to tell you today. Guess what? Take a seat, this is a long one...


My feet ache today. They have been for about a week now and I've finally decided that although they're quite used to walking, they’re only used to walking on flat surfaces.

The part of the UK I used to live in was called Norfolk, and it's well known for being flat. Although anyone that's ever seen bare, barren fields of Lincolnshire would proclaim Norfolk to be the Himalayas of the UK by comparison.

But there's no denying it's flatter than Brisbane. Every road in Brisbane is on, or interrupted by, a hill. It may be only very slight, but it's always there. I've decided my feet ache because of this. Damn you lumpy Brisbane.

I've had an exceptionally productive day - the most productive since I've been here. Unfortunately most of the things I've accomplished weren't actually on todays "To Do" list which deflated me slightly. So I wrote them on the list and then took great delight in immediately striking them through.

I realised I was taking this to slight extremes when I found my self sucking the pen and a thought bubble appeared above my head saying "Hmmm....what else have I done today?" and then in the next metaphorical cartoon box was me with a look of delight thinking "Ah! Washing up!" and the third box of course, has me with a delighted expression, using my pen with a flourish and a voice-bubble saying "DONE! Yey!"

Yes. When you start thinking of yourself in the context of a cartoon strip you know you're either very happy or going slightly mad.

Anyhoos, the things I've done:

- Called the gym to enquire about how much it'll cost TT to quit her annual membership early
She joined the gym out of boredom while I was stuck in the UK. It costs her $80 per month, she's been a member since January and visited a grand total of 4 times.

Yes. That's $120 per visit.

This is from the girl that will wait from 5pm until 7pm to get a cheaper "out of rush-hour" bus ticket to save $0.80. I have no further comment. Oh, except it will cost $200 to cancel the membership and she's wondering whether that's value or not. I love her to pieces! There's no girl like my TT!

- Got spare set of keys cut so TT and I each have our own set now
TT actually asked the real estate for these about 2 months ago but they never replied to the several emails she sent. She called a couple of times to confirm they'd received the mails, but never replied.

We went down to "THE PROFESSIONALS - REAL ESTATE" in person a day or two after I arrived and after a long wait the conversation went something like:

Real Estate Wench: "Hi! How's your day?! Can I help you?"

Me: "Apart from your companies lack of replies to several emails, the inconvenience of sharing one set of keys, the long wait in this office without acknowledgement, my day is fine. How's yours?"

REW: "Er. How can I help?"

Me: "An apology or slight expression of concern would have been nice, but anyway, my name is X, I live at Y, and you promised us a spare set of keys two months ago. We've heard nothing. Any ideas when it may get sorted?"

REW: "Well Tom..."

Me: "My name is X"

REW: "Well, Bill...."

Me: "My name is X!"

REW: "Oh, sorry, misheard you. Excuse me while I answer this call"

Me: [Thinks: gaaaagh!]

5 mins later

REW:
"Well, Roger, we've only seen a key like this once before and it took over 3 months to get it copied. And cost more than $40. Do you still want us to try?"

Me: [Thinks: Ignore the name thing.... Think happy thoughts..... chill....chill....relax. It's not your fault that if brains were gunpowder this cow couldn't blow her fucking hat off... ] "Well, if you'd tried when we first asked we'd only have a month left to wait wouldn't we? But yes, please do"

REW: "It could take longer"

Me: [chill....relax...] "I can imagine. Please order me a new key"

REW: "You'll have to return both sets when you give up the property you know"

Me: [Thinks: Really? You mean we can't return and burgle the new tenants stuff? No shit?] "That's fine. If we get it before we leave the property we'll return it...."

Well, we called the number on the key where it says "Restricted, DO NOT COPY" and they said "ok, you're nearest authorised cutter is at blah de blah" which happens to be about a block away. Took it in, key cut. Cost $7. Up your arse PROFFESIONALS...


- Cleared out the garden
Until today I didn't realise we had a garden. That sounds bad doesn't it? But honestly, I'll take pics tomorrow, in daylight, and you'll see what I mean. We have a sort of secret garden. There's a row of dense palm tree things at the end of the patio (which I though was our only outdoor space) but in fact these are concealing a small garden area.

Concealing it so well in fact that they'd grown over the entrance to the garden bit. It was only while clearing today I saw the concrete of the patio extending under the palmy things at one point. After some vicious chopping with our biggest kitchen knife (aw yeah, crocodile dundee imagery again!) I'd cleared the pathway. May stick a barbie in there, eh mate? And an Eskie for some stubbies - awlright!


- Fixed a bitch of a problem on my laptop that's stopped my doing anything productive since I got here.
Big woo-hoos on this one - I'm better than Micro$soft - up your arse Bill!

I also uninstalled all the applications that have built up over time that I never use. Like software for printers that went out of date the roughly the same time that Noah launched his ark. Like software downloaded from the internet in drunken states that guarantees to remove spyware. Like software for downloading from other peoples cameras when they ask me to burn CD's for them. That sort of stuff. I now have 11 gigglybits of spare room on my hard disk. That's a lot. I can fill it with more porn important worky stuff now.

- Finished my latest letter to Barlcays Wank Bank.
They're still bugging me from 10000 miles away but at least now they're having to pay a hell of a lot for postage. Especially as I've now asked for copies of the last 24 months bank statements to be sent to my Aussie address. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm proud of that, especially the way my letter makes it sounds as though there's no way forward until I can see them but in fact I'm only doing it to take the piss of course. If they do that I may send another letter telling them I need a couple of kilos of paper to formulate a detailed response and see what they say...

- Cleaned the house quite a lot
I always keep washing up and kitchen area clean but today I done the shitty stuff like vacuuming the carpeted bits, using the dustpan and brush on the tiled areas, cleaning the shower, etc. I'm a good boy.

- Took the broken DVD back and got it replaced
See what I mean by sucking my pen and just adding shit to my "Things to do" list?

Oooooh, this one is good. Always save the best 'til last eh?

- Got a job offer
Heh heh, you all thought I was going to spend the rest of my days an unemployed bum didn't you? Don't blame you, I've not indicated much in the way of worky aspirations I must admit. But anyway, as you may imagine, this potential foray into working happened quite accidentally. I was walking between the key cutty place and the DVD exchangey place when I passed a shop advertising network and computer cables.

I popped in to see if I could pick up an Australian lead for my laptop as it would dual serve me as a laptop lead and a zip drive lead. This would free up two of my

UK/Aus adapters for other things like charging my mobile. They didn't have the lead but they were really helpful and started searching the internet to find out where I might get one from. Really helpful of them. Got chatting with the helpful man:

Me: "You know, last night I went for a wander with my laptop and it seems every house has wireless stuff. You must have trouble selling cabling for networks nowadays?"

Helpful man: "It's a little harder now, but businesses still prefer the security of hardwired networks"

Me: [thinks: Tee hee] "Yes, that's a very valid point. I did notice lots of the wireless stuff isn't very secure"

HM: "Oh yeah, and there's this company a couple of doors down that sell computers. But they also get approached for network installations and they buy all the shit from us. They've not got anyone that does networking so they employ some cowboy or other to fit it and half the time it gets ruined so they have to come back to us and buy it all again!"

Me: "Er...Really? Who are they then?"

HM: "Oh, they're just two doors down, don't ask them to fit a network for you though!"

Me: "No, I won't. Thanks very much mate"

I then walk two doors along and walk in. I'm wearing black jeans, black T shirt and DM's. Not normal computer nerd attire. And I've not shaved since Saturday.

Me: "Hello mate. I was just a couple of doors along buying some networking stuff and the guys in there mentioned that you don't have a network installer. I know I'm not appropriately dressed for offering my services or anything, but I just wanted to give you my mobile number. You see, although I'm not a network installer by trade, and I'm not really looking for work at the moment, I am qualified in CAT 5 and basic fibre. And they tell me you keep hiring cowboys that blow up your kit, so if you ever want it properly fitted I could maybe help. Interested?"

Bemused looking man:
"Er. Yeah, sort of mate. But what do you do if you're not a network installer? Do you work for someone else at the moment?"

Me:
[Thinks: Bingo! Just the reaction I wanted!] "Well, I'm more into computer software, specifically database and solution consultancy. I think that if I installed networks to your customers I stand a good chance of doing some consultancy work for them afterwards which is my real expertise and money maker?"

BLM:
"Have you had any consultancy experience before? We're quite keen on expanding that area of our business too?"

Me:
"Well, since about ten years ago I've run my own successful database design company with clients in Texas, New York, Trinidad, Tunisia, Ireland, France, Germany, Turkey and so on. But about four years ago I got fed up with doing everything myself so I decided to get a bit serious about it and turned a bedroom business into a ltd company which now has a turnover of over £1m per year. I think I have some experience you may find useful...."

BLM:
[eyes widen, drools a little] "So.....what sort of hours and money are you looking for?"

Me:
[thinks: Oh yeah, he wants me! Fun time!!] "I dunno really. There's a unit spare just down the street so I may just start a new company right here. I like a healthy challenge. How long have you been trading?"

BLM:
[beads of sweat appear] "Er. About a year? Are you serious about opening a business here?"

Me:
"Yep. But keep my mobile number and give me a call if you think I can help you, or if you've got a better idea eh?"

I got a call about an hour later which I deliberately let go through to voice mail. (I was busy being a house-bitch, and I knew it'd be him) He's asked whether I'd mind popping in to see him in the morning. Or at any other point that's convenient. Another day would be fine if that fits in better with me. Or he can come and see me. Happy days eh?!

Still got to really decide what I want to do though. Stacking shelves for minimum wage with a zero responsibility still has it's appealing side. I don't think I'd be able to keep my mouth shut long enough though.

Monday, June 26, 2006

frequently used passwords


...are called that for a reason. Look at my connection: Notice how the network I've poached (top one) says "security-enabled" next to it? What a load of toss. I usually just wait until I stumble across an unsecured one but it's always worth trying luck, eh?

There are over 50 wireless networks within two streets of me. I'll never struggle under cover of darkness again! But I do need something less obvious than a bloody great laptop. Next post will be my 100th! How exciting! I hope something good happens to make it worthwhile!



ok, I was wrong...

I wrote the whole recipe post thingy into notepad because I've had no internet access all day. I can't really complain as it's a hijacked connection anyway. But I'm sat in my house writing this in the hope that when I post it all I'll be sat on the street somewhere using a different hijacked connection. Yes. I'm such a nerd I'm actually about to fire up "Network stumbler" and go walkabouts with my laptop. It's fully charged now, so I'll just finish transferring the photos from my crappy camera phone and then go a-walking. It's now 10.15pm here on monday - how much do you wanna bet I can't post by half past?!

OK, I'm now stood looking suspicious on the street, but hey, I managed it within half an hour of leaving the house! And with only one near mugging, one near arrest, and some weird hissing noises in the garden behind me. Do they have guard snakes in Aus? Anything is possible, I'd better go now!


Something different today. Lets cook something!

Spicy Punjabi Beans. Aka Witheridge curry (Just don't ask why). Aka "My meat-free monday" contribution...

Ends up something like this: (No, the photo does it no justice, I know)


This looks complicated when you see it written down but that's only because I've gone into painstaking detail (even when to drink during cooking). It's the first authentic punjabi dish I ever had and it's been a staple part of my diet ever since. It's really, really simple and you can easily vary it. I've gone onto variations at the end. I never thought I'd ever post a recipe as I don't do quantities, I just cook. But I've made the effort to do this one "Live" and vaguely measure quantities/timings/temperatures this time, so someone please try it and let me know how you get on!

The whole thing took me about an hour but that can be shortened if you do things like using garlic paste or omitting the ginger.

Edible Stuff you need (optional ones have a * next to them)
1 large tin kidney beans (840g)
Medium onion
clove or two Garlic
*knob of ginger (About same size as garlic)
couple or few chillis (depending on size and taste)
*1 capsicum (pepper)
tin of tomatoes (400g)
*Mushrooms
1 beef stock cube
Ground turmeric
Chilli powder
*Ground Cumin (I always buy whole seeds (Cos I love rice with whole cumin seeds)then grind them in a pestle and mortar if ground are required)
*Ground fenugreek
Garam Masala
*Some salt
*Beer

None edible stuff you need
Wok/deep frying pan
*pestle & mortar (If you need to grind up cumin seeds or dried chillis in lieue of chilli powder)

Preparation (Don't worry about the length of this section, this is "nearly-all-prep" recipe, the cooking is dead simple. Having an ample supply of beers to sip on while doing the prep, and a good playlist also helps it seem like a fun activity rather than cooking....)

Crack a tinnie and let's go:

Make two small holes in the tin of kidney beans and stand upside down in the sink to drain.

Finely chop the onion. The finer the better. I cut it into thin slices then lay these flat and cut as finely as I can vertically and then horizontally. I call this "criss-crossing" because my mates always want to help me cook and it's easier to teach them that one technique then do things like throw an onion at their head and yell "Hey Bud! Criss-cross this!"

Finely chop the garlic. (Criss-cross is good again but it's not so much fun to lob small things at your mates heads) If you don't like smell of garlic on your fingers then a table spoon of garlic paste or inch of garlic puree can be used instead when required.

Shit. First tinnie of the day always goes quick. Maybe it evapourated. Crack another one eh?

Finely chop the ginger. Again, fine as possible - criss-cross each slice to make tiny ickle cubes.

Chop the chillis. These are difficult to criss cross so I normally slice in half lengthways and then slice them up. Today I then sliced them in half lengthwise again because they were pretty big ones, about 5 inches long or so and half an inch thick. If you're using something like Thai green chillis these are only about an inch long so you can get away with just slicing them. If you want to reduce the heat in this recipe cut them in half length ways first and use the flat of a knife blade to scrape the seeds into a bin. Avoid the temptation to use your thumb nail as it'll burn and itch later. (And even after washing your hands it will burn like crazy the next time you go for a pee. Trust me on this)

All the above are going to be cooked at the same time, so the same chopping board is fine.

Separately, chop the capsicum (pepper) into approximately kidney bean sized pieces, perhaps a little larger. Put to one side as they'll be added a little later.

grind about 1 tsp of cumin seeds in your pestle and mortar.

Open the tin of tomatoes.

Get your spices out ready.

Put a roll of toilet paper in the freezer ready for tomorrow morning.

That's all the prep done. I'll go and do it now and tell you how long it should take...

OK, 16 minutes. That's not too bad is it? Open another tinnie, check your playlist isn't about to repeat and then we can get on with the cooking...

The cooky bit
Put some oil in the wok to heat up. Usually I use sunflower oil but today I'm using olive oil. That's probably a safer bet as it smokes at a cooler temperature and if it begins to smoke you know it's too hot. Enough to coat the flat bottom part of the pan is fine. We'll maybe add more in a minute. My hotplates have a scale of 1-12 on the heat settings and I put it on 12 to get started quickly, then turned it down to eight as soon as I could smell the oil. Get ready for about a minute of continuous stirring with a wooden spoon:

Chuck in the onion, chilli, ginger and garlic, stirring all the time. Nothing should instantly brown. Get it all covered with oil as quick as possible. Add more oil if you need to so that everything is shiny looking but not boiling in oil. Too much will make the whole dish greasy. Gently stir fry for about 2 minutes. A proper chef person would say something like "Fry the onions until they're transparent" or some bollocks like that. They mean about 2 minutes.

Pause stirring for a moment and get your spices.

Sprinkle over about 1 level tea spoon of turmeric. Turmeric is a natural antiseptic.

Sprinkle over about 3/4 teaspoon of chilli powder

Spinkle over about 1/2 teaspoon of fenugreek

Sprinkle over about 3/4 teaspoon of ground cumin.

(Basically all your spice EXCEPT the Garam masala)

Get your wooden spoon back in there and stir until everything is coated with the spices. At this point the mix was bit powdery for me so I splahed in some more oil. Again, no exces required, but nothing should look dry. The spices are all different colours so if you spot any area of the wok with a concentration of one colour you've not stirred it enough. Put some water in the kettle (Not much, half a cup full is fine so long as such a small amount wont cause your kettle to blow up or anything)

This whole bit took me about 4 minutes and I then poured in half the tin of tomatos. Only add half at one time otherwise you'll cool the pan contents too much. It'll probably sizzle when you first pour them in, but that's fine. Let it get back to gentle bubbly heat (only a minute or so, long enough to get another beer out of the fridge) then add the other half. By the way, I used a tin of chopped tomatos, but if you've bought whole ones then you should chop them up during the prep stage. An easy way to do this is to just stick a sharp knife in the tin and swizzle it around lots. They don't have to be delicately or evenly chopped or anything. Keep the tomato can, don't bin it just yet.

Once the whole tin has been added chuck in the chopped capsicum and once that's been duly stirred in, add the kidney beans.

Crumble one or two stock cubes into the tomato can. (In the UK one Oxo cube is fine, but in Australia the cubes are half the size so I used two). When the kettle has boiled pour enough into the can to about half fill it. Stir it up to dissolved the cubes fully and then pour this into the pan. Yeah, I only use the tomato can so save washing anything else up. You can bin it recycle it now.

That's about it really. I leave it about 3/4 temperature for about 15 mins, stirring every few mins, and then turn it down to about 1/4 temperature for another 15 minutes. It's ready once the stock juice has evapourated away - hence steam is good but definately not bubbling frantically. I normally do the washing up in the stage so that when it's cooked there's nothing to do but serve and eat.

Now add the Garam masala. Today I found some mushrooms in the fridge that needed using so I chopped up three mushrooms and chucked them in at this point too. Mushrooms aren't natural to India of course, but they get used a lot in European indian cooking because they are "flavour sponges" - They absorb spicey flavours really well and add a great texture so long as you add them near the end of cooking. It's now ready, although if you can leave it to cool and reheat it later, the whole dish benefits by absorbing the spices a little more.

How to serve
If you want it the traditional way, put some onto a plate and then serve with a side of a raw onion chopped into quarters (two quarters is plenty) and two quarters of apple too. I know it sounds mingy, but it's honestly really good. Unless you suffer with IBS in which case your body really won't appreciate the raw onion in addition to the spices. Also add a generous spoon of mango or lime pickle/chutney to the plate and a pitta bread. Don't use knives or forks, just tear up the bread and use it to "pinch" the beans. A pinch of beans, bite of onion or apple, perhaps dipped into the chutney. Lovely. Honestly, don't knock it until you've tried it! If you come to my house this is how I'll serve it to you!

If you're more normal, then just serve it in the middle of a ring of rice like any other curry.

A strange thing I like to do it add some grated cheese on top of the beans. For some reason that seems to compliment it really well but that's my own thing, certainly not traditional!

Oh, and with beer if you've drank it all during the cooking stages....

Variations
Tinned potatoes make a great addition to this dish. Particuarly if you want to "bulk it up". If you don't like tinned potatos (I hate them for everything apart from this dish) then of course you could use par-boiled fresh potatoes. Another really nice addition, which I tend to add whenever I have some, is a handful of dried sultanas. If you're going to use either of these, then add them just after pouring in the stock. If you add them before there's not enough "juice" and it may burn.

All chilli's, chilli-powder and Garam Masal are different, so it's hard to give quantities. I've already realised that this particular batch is much milder than the one I'd usually cook back in the UK, so something here is definately milder. I think it's the chilli's. Generally the larger ones are milder and these were humungous. Next time I'll add a little more chilli powder to get the heat up.

Play with the spice mixes until you get it the way you like it. Adding salt takes away the intensity of the spice.


Finally....
If you ever make a curry that's too hot then don't bother drinking water to cool your mouth, chilli is insoluble in water. Eat some fruit, especially cucumber or banana.

This made four servings for me. Of course it depends on how large you like your servings, I know that some of my mates would manage to eat virtually the panfull in one serve.

It freezes well too. I had one serve after cooking it, put another in the fridge for lunch tomorrow and the other two into freezer packs for another time. If you reheat in a microwave do it on a low setting otherwise the beans explode and make a horrible fucking mess of your microwave, especially if it's a totally overpowered 1000w beast of a machine. Or so I'm told.....

Oh, and once you're done, done forget to use kitchen towel to wipe oil all over your wok if it's steel. Otherwise it'll rust and be a bitch to clean next time you use it. Even if that is tomorrow.



You're nicked sunshine...

TT is reading this now. Bah! Bollocks! I've been well and truly rumbled - I think. It's not actually fact yet, but I expect to see an entry in Statcounter tomorrow that will correspond with her lunch break. Hello my love, sorry for keeping this secret, but in my defense, you keep one too, and you're more than welcome to read through the back posts and confirm that I do nothing but love you.

Anyhoo, back to normal stuff, I guess that's the best way to deal with your lover discovering a "secret" blog? In my last post I promised to tell you two other things. I can only remember one. Vagina Cigarettes:

TT and I went to a pub together on friday night - just after the puppy incident. I smoke cigs and a couple of drunk girls on the table next to us kept borrowing my lighter. I got a little fed up with it once it turned into a "once-every-two-minutes" occurence. "You're not very good at smoking are you?" I suggested, after she came back to light the same cig for a third time. TT kicked me in the leg under the table and gave me a "Behave yourself, they're Australian and you're NOT" glance over the table.

The girls both went to the loo together (as girls do of course) and asked us to watch their stuff. The moment they were out of site TT said "You realise they like you don't you? You've got a British accent and that's appealling to lots of Australian girls" I apologised (even though I was sure it's not my fault), to avoid another kick in the shin and she said "Don't be silly! I know you're not going to run off with them, I just didn't know if you'd noticed"

Now that's odd behaviour to me! I'm used to girls at home being jealous and possesive in that sort of situation. But anyway, they came back and asked to borrow lighter again. I gave it, and after lighting a cig from a new pack of 20 the girl said "We don't normally smoke, we only smoke when we drink on friday nights. I shouldn't have even bought this pack. Tell me when you're about to leave and you can have them" I nodded politely, thought 'bloody drunks!' and guessed that was the end of it.

Then TT (please don't think badly of her for this, she's usually such a quiet girl) whispers to me "She's probably stuck them up her vagina so you can get a taste" I was completely and utterly shocked! She's never sworn, and although I know that's not swearing, it's very blunt! She's just never like that!

I almost fell off my stool laughing. I think I must be bad company for her because I've not been here that long and it's exactly the sort of thing I'd say.

We got up to leave shortly afterwards and the girl came running after us and reached us just as we touched the door. She offers me her virtually full packet of cigarettes. "Don't be so silly" I told her. "But my boyfriend will kill me if he finds them in my bag. And I don't want to give them to a bum" she protests. I shoot a glance at TT and say to the girl "My girlfriend is a little worried. Are you sure you've not put them...." TT goes wide-eyed and instantly interupts "Thank you! That's really kind of you! Would you like a beer or something for them?"

I wouldn't really have said it of course, I just wanted TT to panic because I'm mean like that! We left the pub with an almost full pack of cigs and, bonus, (well, depends how you look at these things), they didn't seem to be vagina flavoured at all....

On Saturday morning we went into the Valley. It's a very trendy area of the city - although we live one suburb over because it's trendiest and you know that matters to TT and I(!) It's also Chinatown area, and where I bought my wok/pestle & mortar on thursday for only "Firty sefen dorrars" Bargain eh?

After that we went into the city centre, bummed around a bit then went to a pub in preparation to meet TT's friends when they finished work.

The pub we chose turned out to be a sports bar and although neither of us are into huge widescreen sports entertainment we enjoyed the avo. They were showing all sorts of crap ranging from "normal" sports like 6 nations rugby (yey!) to Hurley (not sure of spelling), a very violent Irish sport that's a cross between all known "normal" sports with a side-serving of added violence.

We had fun. And when her friends turned up it was even funner. Yes. Funner. I speak English good, me. Drank way too much beer and don't remember much of the latter part of the evening.

I was really ill this morning. I woke up feeling very sheepish which is always a bad way to start the day. I knew I'd done nothing that bad, but also had that weird guilty feeling which always seems to accompany nights where I can't remember the ending. TT and I made love which meant I couldn't have done anything that bad, then she said "Don't forget when you put your pants on (Trousers for any UK readers) the money pocket is the one on the left". I said "Eh? You what?" and she told me that I embarrassed her hugely last night by saying loudly in the pub "You know where the money is don't you?!"

I half-remember saying it, but I only meant it as a joke. I'd give my life for this girl, money is nothing. How can I make her understand that? I've felt rotten all day because I embarrassed her. She never asks for anything but I want to give her everything. I'm bad.

We went out this afternoon and done some grocery shopping and she wouldn't let me pay. I always pay. I want to pay. We went to videostore and got out two top titles. I was waiting with cash but she wouldn't let me pay. All this guilt over a silly comment. How do I make it up to her? She's not being bitchy, I think she feels bad that I pay for stuff and mentioned it. How do I convince her that I only said it as a joke? It really was.

I'm going to go to bed in a moment, but before I do, just a couple of other really brief things:

VUBOQ - I think you're the reason TT will be reading this now. She came over to me earlier as I was reading your website and saw the "Leave a comment" window open. She didn't say anything, but she's not silly, she'll most likely check it tomorrow, hence my rumbledness. At least she'll get to see your "Hope TT feels better soon" type comment!

Stat Counter - Again, while talking randomly to TT early she told me her blog had about 60 regular readers. That's a lot isn't it? Or am I just really crap? That's regular, returning visitors, not just page loads. Bah.

Other stat counter - I checked the web-stats of the company I founded and directed for the last four years. The website for that company is getting over 5000 hits a day. Holy Shit! Er, why did I leave?! Fuck it, regret is a wasted emotion. I'm a firm believer in that, and strangely enough, even with those stats, I've not felt any regret and I'm sure I wont.

Rude words - I got an email from someone in the aforementioned company earlier, and they were asking for some personal information. TT read it with me and said "Why would they want you to tell them that?" Which was a really valid question. I immediately replied "Because he's a c@#t" and then went really red. I NEVER use that word, I hate it. I'm really shocked that I came out with it so casually and instantly. I guess I'm "Mr Blurt-it-out" at the moment.

Hope you've all had good weekend. TT wants to start a diet tomorrow, although she's got NO reason to. I guess it'll mean giving up chocs as that's the only thing she has which is vaguely unhealthy. I'm planning to show my support by exercising lots. Gods know I need to.

Friday, June 23, 2006

A much more normal day

TT went to work this morning. And we were due a rental inspection which meant I had to stay in until the inspector person turned up. It's the first time in my life that a rental inspection hasn't meant depserate last-minute tidying. I guess I must be growing up and finally growing out of living in pig-sty conditions.

Then it all changed. TT called and said she felt ill again. Poor girl, I guess she really must be sick to come home again after the whole week off.

The rental wench turned up and said everything was ok except for some water damage to the ceiling in the study. I apologised that I enjoyed water sports in that room but she didn't understand my saracasm. Some people have no sense of humour eh?

I then went out and my normal life suddenly resumed. I'd only walked about 100 yards when I saw a puppy dog nearly get run over by a car. The car didn't stop and the poor puppy sat cowering at the side of the road. I went over. It loved me straight away and I read the tag on his collar. He lived at #89 and we were about #300.

All the way down the street he tried to visit every bloody house. Until we got to 89 of course. At that point he decided to bolt across the road, nearly causing me a heart attack and nearly causing an innocent driver a crash. Well done puppy dog. Suppose it's my fault for not picking him up.

Anyway, I done that and carried him up the stairs to 89. There was no one home. I put him in the front garden and shut the gate behind me. He immediately escaped between the bars and ran up to me, rolled onto his back and waggled his legs pathetically in the air. I wish I hated dogs.

I couldn't leave him there so I went to the neighbours house with him in my arms. No one home. Went to the other neighbour. No one home. Went to the next neighbour on the other side. No one home. At this point I considered a new career in house burglary - there's obviously no bastard around to witness me and the only dog in the 'hood is currently curled up in my arms...

After knocking on about 10 doors I finally found someone at home. It was a non-english speaking mad lady. I'm such a lucky boy aren't I? She screamed at me lots and the gist of it was something along the lines of "That not my dog! My dog dead! You evil! You remind me! That dog from down street! Chinese people!" Handy eh?

I took the dog back to 89 and put him in the back yard. He immediately started hurting himslef by trying to escape from a small hole in the rusty gate. His ear caught on the rusty metal and started to bleed. I didn't have a clue what to do. The moment I tried to walk away he just cried and yelped. I called TT.

She told me if I as sure that was really his house (which I was) it was best to be "cruel to kind" She said the reason he hated it so much was because it was where he was lonely. She's so logical it puts me to shame sometimes.

I've got to go now. Got two other things to tell you about but they'll have to wait. Bye!


A strange evening....


I was seriously considering closing this blog earlier today. I thought I'd just merge it with the "sensible" family one. Then I had a night tonight which I shouldn't have done, and wouldn't want to tell family about.

It wasn't that bad, I just wouldn't want to go shouting to my family about it.

I've just realised that I've been really lacking in keeping this blog up to date with news. Because I've posted a couple of times to the other one I forget that I've not been keeping this one overly updated. To make this whole thing make more sense I'll bring you up to date with my news.

Sunday
After the family stuff and fixing the blokes computer we went to IKEA. It's just down the Pacific Highway and we were looking specifically for a bookcase. TT and I both love reading and she has loads of books but has never owned a bookcase. We found a good one but they were out of stock so they printed off a thingy and told us to call the next day.

Monday
I called IKEA a couple of times but had no luck getting through until the afternoon. They said they had 30 bookcases in stock. By that time it was almost time for TT to finish work so I decided to go in the morning. No probs though, I've got the car until wednesday morning.

Tuesday
I took TT to work and then drove straight to IKEA. I turned up at 8.25am. And I turned up to a massive sign that said they open at 9.30. Bollocks. Didn't fancy sitting around in the carpark for an hour so I decided to go home and come back later. I'd forgotten of course that the road back into the city at that time of day would be chock-a-fucking-block with commuters on their way to work.

I'd just arrived home when TT sent me an SMS to say she felt shitty and was thinking about coming home. I sent a reply saying something like "Sorry to hear you're feeling bad. If you do decide to come home don't forget to call first as I've got to go out for bookcase and I don't want you to be locked out" (We're sharing one set of keys - more about this at some point soon!)

She called about an hour later as I was about to leave and said she was coming home. I went via her work and picked her up, expecting to drop her at home before heading down to IKEA. This didn't happen though, she said she felt well enough to come to collect the bookcase with me.

So we done that, and ended up doing other shopping too. We then came back and TT insisted on building the bookcase. She was really happy to get a book case. Although most of my books are still in the UK but she has a few boxes full and we filled the case straight away.

Wednesday
I took the hire car back. TT still off work sick

Thursday (Yay! Back in the present!)
I had to go and see a potential customer today. I don't think I'd make a good employee so I'm thinking about setting up a little computer consultancy company here. TT still off sick.

Anyway, back to the purpose of all this. Because TT has been of work sick I've not been able to get on with researching work and the stuff I'd planned to do this week. I hate my girly being sick of course, but I'm also slightly sceptical. I guess it's because I've been self-employed/boss character for quite a few years. When you're in my role you don't take time off sick until you're on your metaphorical death bed. I think I've probably taken 3 or 4 days in about 6 years. And that was when I had a slipped disc in my back and simply couldn't physically get into the car to get into the office.

But I digress. Because TT has been off I've not been motivated to look into work and I get bored easily. Tonight the boredom finally culminated in me going out. TT decided to go to bed pretty early, about 9ish, so I went to the local bar.

I got totally chatted up by an Aussie girl. Obviously I made it really clear in the first few moments of conversation that I had a girl friend and that she was home, sick, in bed. But this didn't seem to bother her at all.

It's the first time I've chatted with anyone since I've been here so I actually enjoyed it. We ended up going outside for a smoke, but then she really ruined things by asking if I wanted to go back to her place for "proper" drugs. Not my scene at all. Strange how you can misjudge people isn't it?

We went back into the bar and she put some really good music on the juke box. I'm a bit confused by it all. If anyone had suggested to me a week ago that I'd be going to a bar, chatting with a pretty girl and being offered drugs I would have told them that they were mad. The only thing I'm convinced and certain about now is that I love TT. She's the best girl in the world.

Sorry this is a bit messed up. Just felt the urge to ramble. It's cleared my head a little. I think.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Random rants, some pictures and stuff.

Australian radio is very funny. I can't get over the way they swear all the time. And the ad's are funny too. I heard this one earlier:

Voice over man #1 (an obvious customer in a food shop): "Hi mate, can I order some breakfast please?"
Voice over man #2 (obvious careless server in food shop) : "Yeah mate, what would you like? I'll just chat with my mate while you place your order ok?"
Vom1: "I'd like some eggs, undercooked - extra salmonella on those, some bacon, burnt to a crisp..."
Vom2: "Yeah, no worries mate, our chef is ruining your breakfast as we speak..."
Vom1: "Oh! And the guy behind me wants something totally different, could you mix up our orders please?"
Vom2: "No worries mate, take a seat and after 10 minutes you'll realise I've not taken your order and you'll have to repeat it"
Voice Over Man #3: "Breakfast doesn't have to be this difficult. Just go to McDonalds. Drive thru's now open at...."

It's an amusing ad, shame it's for Mc Donalds.

The other one that made me laugh/shocked me was one promoting family life. Honestly. This bloke comes on and says something like:

"Alright mate? Had a hard days slog? Well, lots of other Australian blokes are just like you. But think about this. Your wife has spent the whole day looking after the kids, cleaning the house and cooking your dinner. She's not been working as such, but the stuff she does can be tough too.

Perhaps when you come home tomorrow you could do something to help her? Don't just ask her what needs doing, she'll say "nothing". Look for things that need doing. Perhaps you could wash the dishes? Perhaps the floor needs vacuuming? Look for something you can do to help her.

If you don't want to do anything so tiring perhaps you could talk to her? After a day with the kids she'd probably love some adult conversation. Instead of dozing in your easy chair, try it. Families are better when everyone helps. For more helpful hints visit www.families.org.au"

Shit! Are Aussie blokes really that slobbish? Perhaps they are because yesterday I walked into a florist to buy TT some flowers. The woman asked why I wanted them, she asked what I'd done wrong. When I said I'd done nothing wrong she replied "Well, most blokes think it's nothing, but what's made her cross?" When I explained that TT wasn't cross, I just wanted to buy some flowers because I love her, she looked very confused. "We don't do 'I love you' bouquets" she said....

Bah. If I ever need reminding to do something around the house please shoot me because I've obviously been taken over by some sort of alien entity. I cook, clean, buy flowers, ask my girl about her day, and spend the rest of my time earning money and wondering what else I can do to make her life happier. Is that odd? I don't think so, I think that's what's called love.

Any man that needs that advert is unlikely to be driving a car during rush hour, he's more likely to be sleeping in his cave, going on a quest for fire, or watching an ug-woman polish his club or something...

What else? Um. I was late delivering the hire car back. But it was ok, british accent does wonders with Aussie girls. I just put a plum in my throat, (sorry, British slang for "talking posh innit?") and look innocent/confused. The "looking innocent" is always tough but the "looking confused" bit I find simple.

I'm perplexed by human behaviour at pedestrian crossings. Why do people always approach the crossing (already filled with loads of other people already waiting) and press the button? Do they think all the other people waiting are spastics with an inability to press the fucking thing themselves? Or perhaps we look like we enjoy standing at the kerbside watching cars? It pisses me off. If you ever see me waiting paitiently at a pedestrian crossing please don't come along and press the button or I may be unable to supress my urge to slap your wrist and humiliate you in public.

I don't think anyone reading this would do that though. If you've got the intellectual ability to turn on a computer, find this webpage and read it, you're unlikely to go and press a button at a pedestrian crossing with a hoard of people stood waiting to cross. I hope. Please don't let me down now.

I went to a spice shop earlier. I love cooking and my particular favourite is cooking indian food. I used to have a friend called Maz and he ran a curry house. He taught me loads and the only downside is that I call all spices by their punjabi names. As I've only just moved here my kitchen is(was) sadly lacking in spice.

When we were in the supermarket yesterday TT suggested buying some stuff but I declined on the grounds that asian shops are much cheaper than supermarkets. In the supermarket the spices were all in 25g containers and cost at least $2 each. Today I bought 200g bags at $1.50 each!

I bought (hmm, hang on, english names now, come on brain, work damn you!) Turmeric, Garam, Mustard seeds, fenugreek, chilli, paprika, allspice, chinese 5 spice, cardamon pods, cinnamon, lump of ginger, chilli sauce, and some other stuff. It came to $20.95. In a supermarket it would have cost at least $60. Bargain.

The lady in the shop said "Jeez fella! You're stocking up, eh?" I replied that I'd only just moved here and needed to stock my kitchen. She replied "You're from north Queensland aren't you? I can tell any accent, me...." She looked a little puzzled when I said "No mate, I'm a pom, fresh from Britain". But I did say that bit in my best aussie accent just for added puzzlement. Yeah, I'm a bastard.

Here's something a little different, some pics of me and my friends in the UK. I know they're mainly girls but don't think bad of me. You know I love TT, it's not my fault I have an uncanny ability to attract lesbian friends....

That's LB on the right knee and LB's girlfriend on the left one. I'm a tart...



C and V. See, not all my friends hug me all the time....



Me being a slut, again. The one on the left is the one that gave me my first "going away" card which made me emotional. Next to her, looking at me closely is LB, the one to the right is M, the one on my/our laps is H. This was taken at my "leaving" party.

My connection here is slow today, so I'll post more another day.

A special girl

A couple of months ago, while flying out to Aus I was very lucky. I got put on a seat next to a german girl called Lisa. She was excellent company. We got on really well. I'm not sure why exactly, as I'm pretty awful in the real world.

But she put up with my drunken ravings and my running to the smoke zone the moment we landed in Singapore. Apart from my girlfriend, TT, I'd say she's probably the best girl in the world. And I'm now about to send her the address for this blog.

She'll be the only person in the world that knows my real name, and has met me, and reads this. Is this a wise thing to do?

Lisa, I'm sorry if you now realise I'm not the person you thought I was. I did warn you in the email, this blog is the very honest one!



Sunday, June 18, 2006

Meeting the family

Mount Me!When I first met TT one of the first things I asked her was where she came from. She told me that she hated telling people. She then told me - and when you see it written it's not so bad. But say it out alound and you'll see why my poor shy girl hated it!

I didn't actually take my camera today, but I took this over a year ago when we went to her "home mountain" and then she chickened out of doing the family thing.

So, today, we went to Mt Mee to meet her family.

We turned up "early" but through amazing coincidence her mother and brother (not the same person, she wasn't brought up in a haemo-thingy relationship) turned up at the same time. Honestly, as we were locking the car she looked towards the carpark entrance and said "Here's my mother! I recognise that shit-wagon! It's brothers car!"

Brother was really quiet [he later blamed this on mum: "You made me drink bloody lemonade, beer makes me talk more"], as TT'd warned me he would be, but mother was quite vocal. She's originally from UK so we had lots of things to talk about. In fact, her family are from same area as me so I almost felt out of place. She knows more about my bloody home area than I do!

"Mother-in-law-to-be-I-hope" wanted bitter lemon to drink so I asked for that. The bar girl looked a little puzzled to start with, and then her eyes brightened. "Oh! OK!" she said and scurried away. She came back with a glass filled with ice and a few slices of lemon. I asked what it was. She replied "A bit of lemon. That's what you wanted, eh mate?" Gotta love these Aussies...

The lunch went really well, TT told me afterwards that her family thought I was a very nice person and approved highly of me. I guess I must be a convincing actor or something because I don't think I'd approve of me! I must have kept my real persona to myself.

As further torture (only joking), TT decided to introduce me to one of her favourite work colleagues too. He and his wife lived on the route home and she's been promising to fix his PC for ages. We popped in and fixed that - No Worries.

We then went to IKEA which in Aus seems to be viewed as trendy stuff. At home in UK it's viewed as "flat-pack-shit"? We wandered around looking for a bookshelf, finaly chose one, only to be told it was out of stock.

That was about the end of our day. I wish I could tell you something funny but it just didn't happen today. I guess I'm on the route to a normal life where nothing amusing ever happens? (heh heh! As if!)











My saturday on Death Mountain

Pic to left is rainforest. It's dark in that place hence the crap photo. Sorry about that.

It was TT's birthday on Saturday and we'd arranged a hire car. We had to to walk into the city to collect the car and by the time we got there I was desperate to pee. I know I'm a big boy now and I should have gone before we left - you don't need to tell me.

Anyways, there is a "Borders" book shop next door to the car hire place and it's a really well equipped bookshop. It has a cafe and toilets. I had my very satisfying pee and when I was done I washed my hands. I couldn't help but notice the guy who had been stood next to me at the urinal just left without washing his hands. Why do so many guys do that?

I dried my hands and when I left I went downstairs to find TT. The dirty non-hand-washy bastard was stood next to TT flicking through a book. He put it down and began to wander off. TT was about to pick up the book he'd just replaced and although I was still half a store length away I couldn't help but yell "No TT! Don't touch it! He didn't wash his hands after peeing!" TT turned round with dropped jaw and the bloke just shot me an incredibly evil look and bolted out of the door looking very red faced.

When I got to TT she tried to scold me but ended up pissing herself laughing.

We collected the car and I presented my British drivers license. The guy just groaned and said "uh oh. Hope you're not in a hurry, you need to fill in our longer form for a British licence mate - and I need all your passport details" I shrugged and offered my Texas US licence and Queensland Aus licence. He looked slightly bemused, shot a glance at the QLD licence, swiped my credit card and pointed, "Silver one there mate, keys are in it" I'm glad I got my licence last time I was here!

We hit the Pacific Highway and cruised southwards towards Tamborine mountain. According to a leaflet I picked up in Tourist information it's a town in the mountains with girly-appealing places to visit such as "Chocolate Kingdom", "Fudge Heaven", "Witches Cheese Factory" (TT likes cheese!), many wineries, galleries, craft shops, etc.

The drive to the mountain was great, it got more rural by the km and soon we were seeing Kuala bear warnings, kangaroo crossings, flood spots and other rural Australian things. When we got to the mountain there was a huge warning sign informing us that fatal accidents on the mountain road were frequent, so drive carefully.

It was easy to see why - the road was very steep, very windey, and it was easy to be distracted by the beautiful rainforest on both sides of the road. There were also somber reminders of how dangerous the road was though, with regular crosses and memorials by the side of the road.

At the top of the mountain the roads level out and it's like a tourist town in any other place. Getting out of the car the first thing we noticed was how cold it was. Because we were so high above sea-level the temperature had really dropped.

We went to "Chocolate Heaven" first. It was a bit of a shocker - it was about the size of our bathroom with a wrinkly old lady sat in front of a bench of hand-made chocolates. I was expecting something like Willy Wonkers Chocolate factory but in fact I'd brought more confectionary in the duty-free at Kuala Lumpur airport than she had for sale.

We then went to "Fudge Heaven" which was a short walk away. Once again, it was just a shop not a factory or anything. They had a section called "adult only fudge" which I expected to be filled with fudge fashioned into boy-bit shapes or boobs, but in fact just contained alcohol. Still, alcohol=good.

We went to a winery and I made sure the wench pouring out tasters knew it was TT's birthday and she gave her huge samples. She was half pissed by the time we left!

After lunch we went to find the waterfall. It was about a 1km walk through the rainforest and although the rainforest is beautiful, it's also a risky place. TT grew up in the rainforest and is no stranger to ticks, leeches, spiders, snakes, etc. It's odd to have a girlfriend with a bush awareness akin to Crocodile Dundee. She doesn't shave with a sheath knife or anything though...

We had one bit of excitement when a "thing" dropped and landed on my arm. It was only about 1cm long and looked like a very thin maggot. I thought it was a baby leech and immediately picked it off with my other hand, held it in the palm of my hand to inspect it. I yelled for TT to look and then it started wiggling frantically so I just shrieked like a girl and threw it.

The waterfall was great. Here's a picture. You're lucky it's not blurred because after TT's warning about standing still I didn't dare stop moving! You can click the picture to en-biggen it (cheers for that word VUBOQ!)

After that we headed home and as we were going down the windey mountain road we both gasped as a car filled with 18 yr old piss-heads roared past us in the opposite direction. 30 seconds later his mates came around a sharp bend on the wrong side of the road and almost rammed us off the road and down the mountain. I'm not particularly religious, but thank God for ABS!

If TT hadn't been so shaken up I would have turned the car around and given them an introduction to the great British tradition of "Giving a twat a smack in the teeth". I was still feeling a bit aggressive by the time we arrived home, hence this incident I wrote about yesterday.

After arriving home, TT felt ill, I think it was the shock of nearly dying on the mountain. She went to bed and I watched girl films on DVD. A good day all in all.

It only took 3 and a half days...

Guess what?! I've had a run in with my neighbours already! It actually happened yesterday but I'm expecting repurcussions any moment now.

TT and I came and viewed this house in April and applied to rent it straight away. We were accepted almost immediately but unfortunately I had to return to the UK on some business. So, TT moved in and started getting the place sorted.

About 2 weeks ago, while I was still in the UK, TT told me that some new neighbours had moved in and that they seemed pretty obnoxious - It's not like her to say anything like that about anyone so I was a little surpised. I didn't think much more about it though.

Then I moved over a couple of days ago and this happened:

We share under-cover carparking with this neighbour but it's not really meant too much as TT doesn't drive and having only just moved in, I've not got a car yet. It hasn't bothered me that the neighbour has been parking right over the line that seperates the two spaces. However, this weekend I've hired a car so that TT and I can go and visit some places for her birthday.

Last night I happened to be outside as the neighbour came home and parked right in the middle of the two spots. I wandered up to him and politely introduced myself as his neighbour. He said "So what?" and walked off. Nice eh?

I didn't loose my temper or anything, I just called after him "I'm going to put a car in our spot tomorrow, so I just wanted to ask if you'd mind parking on your side if you get home before me?" He stopped, turned around and said "I'll park where I need to park. If you can't fit your car in you'll have to use the street" and walked off!

Not amused.

We didn't rush home tonight or anything, but as it happens we got back before him. And my "slightly childish" (!) nature made me park about 1mm (1/16th inch), our-side of the line that seperates the two parking spots. Fuck him.

He's due home any time and I suspect he'll come a-knocking....

We've had a good day. I'll go and fetch the camera and see if I can get some pics to post.

Twisted feelings and brace for time-warp

It's with mixed emotions that I write this. Firstly and foremost, I'm really sad. TT is ill in bed. It's her birthday and we've had a great day, but since out return about 2 hours ago she's felt really ill and has now had to go to bed. What a terrible end to an excellent day. We were really looking forward to our first night (of this new life) of painting the town red too.

On a plus side, it's really early evening here, and it does give me the chance to catch up on reading my friends blogs, posting this, sending some emails, and other stuff which is well overdue as it's been such a busy week. Have to look for a silver lining with every dark cloud eh?

I'm also about to change my blogger settings so it sets the time and date to Aussie time, otherwise reading about me, talking about my day, written at 10am (UK time) is very confusing. At least, I think I'm about to change them, I'm sure I spotted an option somewhere...

More to come shortly once I'm done fiddling with the time/space continuum...



Saturday, June 17, 2006

Happy Birthday my love

The first time TT and I have managed to spend her birthday together in almost 4 years of being "together"! Great day so far and it's only 8.30 am! She loves all the things I bought her and I made her breakfast in bed too. Now off to a place called tamborine mountains. Will update soon...

Have a great weekend y'all

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Aaaagh - women cost money!

As you may guess from the title I've finally done the present shopping. I heeded advice and decided on the weekend away or diamond earrings. But I still couldn't decide which, so I went with both. But the weekend away had to suffer a little. It's now a "drivey" weekend instead of a "flighty" one.

I've booked a hire car and I've been to tourist information and found out about all the things worth seeing and doing in the area. I've also found this website which has some ideas: Driving Tours QLD. I've spotted some good things on there.

While looking for things to do I got caught out by the size of Australia earlier. I've been here enough times now, so I know it's fucking huge but every now and then I still get caught out. Today I found a leaflet on this place which has fossilized dinosaur prints. Fancies seeing that. And it was in QLD outback - only 100km from nearest town.

The leaflet warned that it was in outback, take everything you need for the 100km drive and return. No worries thinks me [see? Getting into the lingo already] - now, where exactly is that nearest town? Went to multimap.com.au. Zoom out, zoom out, zoom out [hmmm, I should recognise a place soon...] zoom out, zoom out, zoom out [fuck this, 1:20 000 000 scale...] Oh, there it is. About three days drive away. Bugger.

Anyhoos, the other pressie. I now know all there is to know about diamonds. I understand the international diamond scale on all levels. I can now walk into any jeweller and ask about a diamond in terms of it's colour, points, cut, clasp, perfection, etc. I've been to about 12 places today, narrowed that down to 6, then 2. Finally chose a pair and I hope she likes them. The effort I put into choosing them meant more to me than the cost.

On the way home I heard something really funny. I was walking along the street and I suddenly heard a shout from a house:

Woman Voice: "Ahhh! There you are you little bastard!"
Boys Voice: "Mum! I don't want my hair cut, get away from me!"
[crash of something breaking, probably china]
WV: "You shit! Come back here!"
BV: "Piss off mum! They're fucking sheep shearers!"
WV: "Don't be a shit, come 'ere!"
BV(?) [Aaaaaaaghhhhooooowwww]
BV: "Mum! That really hurts, gerroff me!!"
WV: "Shuddup you pansy"
[bbbbbrrrrrrrrrr] (Imagine this sound as a petrol powered chainsaw, that's what it honestly sounded like!)
BV: [sobbing] "Oh mum, I don't want my hair cut!"

I couldn't help but sit down on a nearby wall and listen to the whole incident heard through open windows. But I was shaking so much with laughter I had to go home before I peed myself. I love Australians!

TT has finished work now and is currently sat opposite me posting to her blog while pretending she's replying to emails. And here's me doing the same. This is comedy. So anonymous but so obvious at the same time! I'm sure she must know what I'm doing too, especially as I'm looking at her right now while touch typing and smiling in an innocent way.

I may be away a day or two while I treat her to some time away. I'll be back on form soon I promise...




Wednesday, June 14, 2006

First couple of days


Picture to the left is the childish chocolate bar I bought in Malaysia. Did I really buy chocolate just because it was called "kok kok"? Damn right I did!

After posting yesterday I tried to sleep but simply wasn't tired after very successful sleep efforts on the plane here! So I went and met her for lunch TT for lunch and then decided to go and visit some of my favourite Brisbane haunts:

Downunder Bar
Cheap beer and graffiti everywhere. They actually encourage people to scratch comments, jokes etc into the walls. The walls are all made of removable panels so if anyone writes anything stupid like "THIS BAR IS SHIT" they just remove the panel and someone else will scratch something else on the new blank space within hours/days.

The result is a bar where every surface is covered in witticisms, jokes, messages, etc. Got involved helping to hoist a 55" plasma screen 12ft above the bar and got a couple of free pints for my efforts. Result!

O'Malleys
An Irish themed bar (no shit eh?!) under the main shopping mall. I like that one because it's so near the main shoppy area and offers refuge from retail. And they have a cool room called "The Parlour" which has a real coffin as a table. I didn't like it much in there that day though because it was full of English football fans. Had enough of them at home!

Galhooleys
Another Irish theme bar. I was queuing for my first beer when this absolute drunkard started talking at me. I nodded politely and tried to ignore him. It didn't work and I somehow ended up joining him and his mates on their table outside. They were so drunk I really didn't want to be there but I had an amazingly luck rescue. TT's best friend happened to walk by and spot me. She shrieked and ran over to me. I jumped up and gave her a hug while whispering desperately into her ear "Please rescue me!"

Without hesitating she declared really loudly "Finally bloody found you! Come on, I've booked a table, your girlfriend is going to be really mad if you're late!" and then just dragged me away! She's a great girl!

I caught up with her for a bit and then went to meet TT from work. We had take-out because it was quick and easy and I wanted to get to bed. We were in bed by 8pm. Good job I wasn't tired...

This morning I walked TT to work again and then started shopping for birthday present for her. My main options were

a) Xbox 360
b) Diamond earrings
c) Long weekend away somewhere this weekend (Eg. Melbourne, Sydney or Adelaide)

The Xbox idea I had while back in the UK because I know she really misses playing it. When she returned to Aus from the UK she stayed with her bestfriend and became totally addicted to it. We then got this place of our own and she's been living here on her own, waiting for me, and missing the Xbox. So I thought that would be a good present.

And I know she'd like the earrings because she's never owned or liked much jewellry, so when she actually tells me she likes the idea of something I know it must be serious.

Of course, we both love travel and I figure she could use a change of scenery having been here in Brisbane for around 6 months. So the idea of a weekend away would be well received too.

I shopped around and got some idea of flight prices, xbox prices and diamond prices. In all honesty they were all kind of similar. Money is not a factor when it comes to TT, I'd buy her anything I could afford. I went to a bar with my huge pile of prices to think about things. I ended up talking to the girls behind the bar (surprise surprise!) and they decided unanimously that a weekend away was #1, diamond earrings #2 and xbox #3.

I called her best friend and she said "Those are all great ideas! She'd love any of them! But I think weekend away would be best received - mind you, she's talked about diamond earrings for months now...." I guess that confirms it. I'll look into things more tomorrow.

I cooked tonight and then we're about to watch Basic Instinct. I know it's an old film, but TT and I talked about it recently and I realised we'd not watched a "raunchy" film together. I'm looking forward to my evening. G'night!




Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Just some pictures for you




The racist tosser at heathrow airport. Looks a happy chap doesn't he? I honestly thought he had Tourettes Syndrome to start with because I didn't think anyone normal could have unprovoked outbursts like him. He's lucky that beer didn't get chucked all over him. And the black guy in the background wasn't very happy either - I think he was concentrating hard on ignoring this man.


Kuala Lumpar airport - It think the desinger had a starry night in mind when he designed this walkway between the gates. I liked the effect though.


The Storey bridge - probably the most famous bridge in Brisbane. And I now live right near it. Took this photo while walking TT to work this morning.

Now I've sussed how to get photo's from camera without blue tooth thingy, here's another one I took while moving out of house the other day:

When I stay in hotels I always steal any coffee sachets I didn't use. Does this drawer-full show how much I've been staying away recently?! My parents wont need to buy coffee for a while!

I'm very very very happy


I'm in our house. At last. I can't post very much because I've already realised the first thing I've forgotten - mains plug adapter. So this computer is running low on juice and I need to pop into the city to buy an adpater type thing.

Anyhoo, enough techincal mumbo-jumbo. I couldn't post from Kuala Lumpur as the internet access was broken. So the last post was a bit of a cheat in that I just posted it a moment ago and adjusted the time/date on it. But it's accurate, it's set to when I wrote it in notepad!

I bought lots of stuff in the airport including something very childish. I'll post pictures shortly. Just incase anyone is reading/checking up on my progress I just wanted to let you know I arrived just fine and I've had the biggest hug in the world at the airport with TT.

I can't remember whether I mentioned it or not, but I was worried about getting through immigration into Australia as I've actually got an inappopriate visa. Mine only enables me to stay 3 months at a time and I'm staying somewhat longer. Luckily they didn't seem to check so I've just got to get it upgraded as soon as possible.

I walked TT to work and managed to get lost on my way back. Not badly, but it did take a bit longer to get back here than I expected! Right, battery is flashing at me so I'd better grab some sleep and then head into city to meet TT for lunch. Will bore you with stories and photos later...

Monday, June 12, 2006

Greetings from Malaysia


I'm sat in Kuala Lumpur airport. The one and only smoking room in fact. Airport smoking arrangements always tend to be one of a few styles:

- Smoking area in a bar, sometimes an indoor bar (Dubai, Houston, Dallas, Heathrow, Gatwick, most of Europe in fact), sometimes an outdoor bar (Singapore, Hong Kong)

- Outdoor smoking area, Brisbane style

- Indoor smoke-house (Osaka, Tokyo, Kuala Lumpur, Tunisia, most of tourist Africa)

- don't give a toss, smoke anywhere (Trinidad, Cyprus, Turkey, most of non-tourist Africa)

My least favourite is the indoor smoke-house style. I'm not a very heavy smoker and just walking into one of those with the air-conditioner running full pelt, condensed tar running down the walls and the constant sound of hacking is enough to show anyone what an unhealthy habit it is to partake in.

I bet the poor sod who comes in to clean the ashtrays is a smoker though. A non-smoker would not even go near the place, and I don't blame them.

I can't believe I'm sitting in here writing this, my screen will have a yellow twinge by the time I leave. In fact, this notepad window (not got internet connection) is already looking jaundiced.

The flight to here was ok, I can't comment any further as I slept through the first ten hours of it. I'm not much of a sleeper on planes usually, but the last ten days of surviving on cat-naps and 2 or 3 hours sleep per night have obviously taken their toll. And I can't think of a much better way to spend a 12 hour flight than sleeping the first 10.

I spent the last two hours watching "Firewall" Rearrange these words to form my review: "Heap Big Bollocks Of". Wasn't sure if I'd get to see the end but I didn't really care, it was just an activity to pass the final two hours.

Instead of going to the transit lane on arrival I headed straight for immigration - I wanted to see a little of the place in the few hours I'm here. Queued for ages and then set foot into the streets.

I tried to find a taxi tour, I just wanted to pay a taxi to drive me around for an hour or so and show me the sites. It's what I usually do when I have more than 3 hours between connecting flights. No luck today though. Unless I could offer a hotel name the taxi drivers had no idea.

They were friendly enough, and I heard many ask "Have a good flight?", "It's hot here, right?" [32 degrees and humid] and stuff like that but they were obviously just phrases from "Taxi driving for dummies" because non of them actually spoke any English at all, so all those people replying with details of flight and receptions of weather were simply humouring them. They did not understand a word of the reply!

After about 5 attempts to arrange a tour I gave up and returned to the airport. I went into a shop and asked if they accepted stirling as most of these places do. They said they did so I bought a bottle of coke. I offered a £10 because in England the airport charge about £3 and most international places only accept notes rather than coinage.

The girl looked a little annoyed and said "Do you have pound? Just one little gold coin?" I couldn't help but smile that Malaysian girl was describing my own countries coinage to me, but, pleasantly surprised that I didn't have to break a note. I gave her a pound coin. To my shock she then gave me bloody change! Hang on, I'll get it out of pocket now.

ok, it's a 1RM note and a 50? coin I'm sure it's not worth much but I certainly didn't expect to get paper and coin change out of a 1 pound coin! I've got another coin too but I can't be bothered to stand up to get it out of depths of pocket.

I was hoping to chat with TT here on messenger but I only just found out that the internet access is in the other terminal building which requires an airtrain trip and she would have been in bed by the time I got there and I'm not even sure if they'll accept stirling as it's part of Burger King (Hungry jacks) so i guess you have to buy a burger or something before you can use it.

Anyhoo, there are loads of shops here so I'll go and indulge myself by buying weird stuff for TT. It's a kind of airport tradition, and if I don't leave this room soon I'll contract lung cancer as though I'd been smoking 60 a day since infancy.

Please forgive me for being English

As always, when I'm traveling things are much better. Already I've forgotten about the teary farewells and now I'm where I belong - In limbo.

Met three people worth commenting about already (Excuse my rush, I want to get a smoke in before boarding and I just paid £6 to do this!)

First was girl on train, it was really busy so some poor sod had to share my table thing. It was a very attractive girl and as she sat opposite me she had a habit of putting her heels up onto the very lip of the train seat. This meant all her girl bits (although covered by underwear) were on display. I had trouble not looking, it's one of those magnetic things when you can see up a girls skirt isn't it?

It was bloody obvious enough, so I don't know why she was doing it. I'm not attractive or anything and she didn't look the slutty type. I decided to sleep before I embarassed myself as the voyeur to the exhibitionist.

I then had a huge problem in London whereby they'd closed one of the underground lines I needed to catch to get to Heathrow. There were diversions in place but badly sign posted. I asked a complete stranger, lady in her late 40's, if I was heading in the right direction. She was on her way to the same place as me and had done the diversion thing before. So she guided me and we chatted all the way. She was cool. She was an English teacher at a secondary school in Glasgow and she'd travelled lots.

The third person worthy of note was a complete tosser in the bar, here at the airport. I was going to post all about him but time is already running short. He was a complete wanker. So much so I've even taken a photo on my camera so that I can publish it when I get to a normal connection. I want you all to see his ugly face so that you can abuse him if you ever have the misfortune to bump into him anywhere in the world.

I suspect he's probably just flying to some shit hole in Spain that is doing cheap breaks because a man like that cannot possibly have the money, desire or ability, to travel anywhere decent. I suspect he collected vouchers from a shitty tabloid newspaper. Can you tell he annoyed me?

Sorry to be so negative towards a fellow human being, but he made me ashamed to be English, hence the title of this post.

Got to go now, I'll try and post from Kuala Lumpur. This blogging stuff is much more fun (easier to find content!) when I'm traveling. The last two weeks or so have been a real struggle because I've not been meeting anyone or doing my normal thing.

Hope y'all had a good weekend, will post again soon from Asia....

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The journey begins


It's 7am. I've just woken up at my desk for the last time - I regularly fell asleep here this week. But today my journey begins. Here's the agenda:

- Last minute tidying to do here at my almost bare place
- My dad will collect me and final belongings about 9am
- Pack suitcase and bags at parents house
- Borrow parents car to go and say goodbye to another good friend who, for personal reasons, knew I was going to Aus but doesn't know it's today. I've got to tell them.
- Accept mum's offer of a Sunday roast dinner - the great British tradition
- 1400ish - Lift to Norwich train station (Did I tell you about buying these tickets?!)
- Train to London, Underground through to heathrow
- 2200 fly to Kuala Lumpur, then on to Brisbane
- HAVE THE BIGGEST HUG IN THE WORLD WITH MY BABY, TT

I'll post as and when I can en-route. I'm due to arrive in Brisbane early Tuesday morning their local time, and expect to sleep most of the day after TT goes to work but by the Wednesday I would expect to be recovered and back in action.

I keep humming various tunes from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because of those umpar-Lumpur people!

It's still drivelling.....

I got a call from LB's girlfriend. She apologised that LB couldn't come back as she was crying too much.

That made me extra sad for two reasons a) I hate to be cause of sadness b)I hadn't said good bye to LB properly because I thought she was coming back.

To cut a long story short, she did come back and I'm glad. We had hugs and stuff.

The toughest one will be tomorrow. Mum hates the fact that I'm going even though she's putting a really brave face on and pretending for my benefit that she's ok.

I'd better make a success of this Aus thing otherwise I'll be letting everyone down.

I can't wait to get emotions under control and start posting "normally" again. I've neglected the "double" part of this blog for ages, I'm supposed to be matching post for post but that's just not happening at the moment.

Will do soon though, prepare yourself to be bored to tears with regular posts from Aussie land.

I may insist on "on-line" friends only in the future, they don't mind where you are!

I love TT and I can't wait to be with her.

Is Kuala Lumpur filled with those little people, amp-lumpish? It'll be cool, I've not been there before

Gaagh...

This isn't good. LB turned up for microwave and goodbyes - and took loads more besides. She and her partner took plants, guitar and all sorts of other things that I didn't think anyone would give a shit about. They say they want to remember me as much as poss. Don't friends realise how much simple comments can bring me to the brink of tears?

I'm so glad lots more of my stuff is being looked after rather than abandoned.

While this movement of property was occurring another friend turned up and saying bye to her made me cry too. LB headed of home with her new goodies and a promise to return real soon so we can say bye properly.

But she now doesn't feel up to it. She crying too much to drive. The thought of that makes me feel awful. Please LB, if you really care for me you know I've got to go to Aus now?

I've got to be with TT before I drink, smoke and depress myself to an early grave. She's the only one that's ever made me sort myself out, I need her.

Wish you could read this and understand the love I feel for you LB. You're as close as family to me, I told you the last time I went to Aus that I'd be your big brother and that never changes.

If you need me I'll be there within 24 hours. If it's anything more urgent I'll have my other friends there within minutes. Believe me - you are a truly special person and I owe you big style for what you done for me in January when I met you.

I promise I'll try and do a sensible post soon.