I was hoping that I'd have lots to tell you today. Guess what? Take a seat, this is a long one...

My feet ache today. They have been for about a week now and I've finally decided that although they're quite used to walking, they’re only used to walking on flat surfaces.

The part of the UK I used to live in was called Norfolk, and it's well known for being flat. Although anyone that's ever seen bare, barren fields of Lincolnshire would proclaim Norfolk to be the Himalayas of the UK by comparison.

But there's no denying it's flatter than Brisbane. Every road in Brisbane is on, or interrupted by, a hill. It may be only very slight, but it's always there. I've decided my feet ache because of this. Damn you lumpy Brisbane.

I've had an exceptionally productive day - the most productive since I've been here. Unfortunately most of the things I've accomplished weren't actually on todays "To Do" list which deflated me slightly. So I wrote them on the list and then took great delight in immediately striking them through.

I realised I was taking this to slight extremes when I found my self sucking the pen and a thought bubble appeared above my head saying "Hmmm....what else have I done today?" and then in the next metaphorical cartoon box was me with a look of delight thinking "Ah! Washing up!" and the third box of course, has me with a delighted expression, using my pen with a flourish and a voice-bubble saying "DONE! Yey!"

Yes. When you start thinking of yourself in the context of a cartoon strip you know you're either very happy or going slightly mad.

Anyhoos, the things I've done:

- Called the gym to enquire about how much it'll cost TT to quit her annual membership early
She joined the gym out of boredom while I was stuck in the UK. It costs her $80 per month, she's been a member since January and visited a grand total of 4 times.

Yes. That's $120 per visit.

This is from the girl that will wait from 5pm until 7pm to get a cheaper "out of rush-hour" bus ticket to save $0.80. I have no further comment. Oh, except it will cost $200 to cancel the membership and she's wondering whether that's value or not. I love her to pieces! There's no girl like my TT!

- Got spare set of keys cut so TT and I each have our own set now
TT actually asked the real estate for these about 2 months ago but they never replied to the several emails she sent. She called a couple of times to confirm they'd received the mails, but never replied.

We went down to "THE PROFESSIONALS - REAL ESTATE" in person a day or two after I arrived and after a long wait the conversation went something like:

Real Estate Wench: "Hi! How's your day?! Can I help you?"

Me: "Apart from your companies lack of replies to several emails, the inconvenience of sharing one set of keys, the long wait in this office without acknowledgement, my day is fine. How's yours?"

REW: "Er. How can I help?"

Me: "An apology or slight expression of concern would have been nice, but anyway, my name is X, I live at Y, and you promised us a spare set of keys two months ago. We've heard nothing. Any ideas when it may get sorted?"

REW: "Well Tom..."

Me: "My name is X"

REW: "Well, Bill...."

Me: "My name is X!"

REW: "Oh, sorry, misheard you. Excuse me while I answer this call"

Me: [Thinks: gaaaagh!]

5 mins later

REW: "Well, Roger, we've only seen a key like this once before and it took over 3 months to get it copied. And cost more than $40. Do you still want us to try?"

Me: [Thinks: Ignore the name thing.... Think happy thoughts..... chill....chill....relax. It's not your fault that if brains were gunpowder this cow couldn't blow her fucking hat off... ] "Well, if you'd tried when we first asked we'd only have a month left to wait wouldn't we? But yes, please do"

REW: "It could take longer"

Me: [chill....relax...] "I can imagine. Please order me a new key"

REW: "You'll have to return both sets when you give up the property you know"

Me: [Thinks: Really? You mean we can't return and burgle the new tenants stuff? No shit?] "That's fine. If we get it before we leave the property we'll return it...."

Well, we called the number on the key where it says "Restricted, DO NOT COPY" and they said "ok, you're nearest authorised cutter is at blah de blah" which happens to be about a block away. Took it in, key cut. Cost $7. Up your arse PROFFESIONALS...


- Cleared out the garden
Until today I didn't realise we had a garden. That sounds bad doesn't it? But honestly, I'll take pics tomorrow, in daylight, and you'll see what I mean. We have a sort of secret garden. There's a row of dense palm tree things at the end of the patio (which I though was our only outdoor space) but in fact these are concealing a small garden area.

Concealing it so well in fact that they'd grown over the entrance to the garden bit. It was only while clearing today I saw the concrete of the patio extending under the palmy things at one point. After some vicious chopping with our biggest kitchen knife (aw yeah, crocodile dundee imagery again!) I'd cleared the pathway. May stick a barbie in there, eh mate? And an Eskie for some stubbies - awlright!


- Fixed a bitch of a problem on my laptop that's stopped my doing anything productive since I got here.
Big woo-hoos on this one - I'm better than Micro$soft - up your arse Bill!

I also uninstalled all the applications that have built up over time that I never use. Like software for printers that went out of date the roughly the same time that Noah launched his ark. Like software downloaded from the internet in drunken states that guarantees to remove spyware. Like software for downloading from other peoples cameras when they ask me to burn CD's for them. That sort of stuff. I now have 11 gigglybits of spare room on my hard disk. That's a lot. I can fill it with more porn important worky stuff now.

- Finished my latest letter to Barlcays Wank Bank.
They're still bugging me from 10000 miles away but at least now they're having to pay a hell of a lot for postage. Especially as I've now asked for copies of the last 24 months bank statements to be sent to my Aussie address. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm proud of that, especially the way my letter makes it sounds as though there's no way forward until I can see them but in fact I'm only doing it to take the piss of course. If they do that I may send another letter telling them I need a couple of kilos of paper to formulate a detailed response and see what they say...

- Cleaned the house quite a lot
I always keep washing up and kitchen area clean but today I done the shitty stuff like vacuuming the carpeted bits, using the dustpan and brush on the tiled areas, cleaning the shower, etc. I'm a good boy.

- Took the broken DVD back and got it replaced
See what I mean by sucking my pen and just adding shit to my "Things to do" list?

Oooooh, this one is good. Always save the best 'til last eh?

- Got a job offer
Heh heh, you all thought I was going to spend the rest of my days an unemployed bum didn't you? Don't blame you, I've not indicated much in the way of worky aspirations I must admit. But anyway, as you may imagine, this potential foray into working happened quite accidentally. I was walking between the key cutty place and the DVD exchangey place when I passed a shop advertising network and computer cables.

I popped in to see if I could pick up an Australian lead for my laptop as it would dual serve me as a laptop lead and a zip drive lead. This would free up two of my

UK/Aus adapters for other things like charging my mobile. They didn't have the lead but they were really helpful and started searching the internet to find out where I might get one from. Really helpful of them. Got chatting with the helpful man:

Me: "You know, last night I went for a wander with my laptop and it seems every house has wireless stuff. You must have trouble selling cabling for networks nowadays?"

Helpful man: "It's a little harder now, but businesses still prefer the security of hardwired networks"

Me: [thinks: Tee hee] "Yes, that's a very valid point. I did notice lots of the wireless stuff isn't very secure"

HM: "Oh yeah, and there's this company a couple of doors down that sell computers. But they also get approached for network installations and they buy all the shit from us. They've not got anyone that does networking so they employ some cowboy or other to fit it and half the time it gets ruined so they have to come back to us and buy it all again!"

Me: "Er...Really? Who are they then?"

HM: "Oh, they're just two doors down, don't ask them to fit a network for you though!"

Me: "No, I won't. Thanks very much mate"

I then walk two doors along and walk in. I'm wearing black jeans, black T shirt and DM's. Not normal computer nerd attire. And I've not shaved since Saturday.

Me: "Hello mate. I was just a couple of doors along buying some networking stuff and the guys in there mentioned that you don't have a network installer. I know I'm not appropriately dressed for offering my services or anything, but I just wanted to give you my mobile number. You see, although I'm not a network installer by trade, and I'm not really looking for work at the moment, I am qualified in CAT 5 and basic fibre. And they tell me you keep hiring cowboys that blow up your kit, so if you ever want it properly fitted I could maybe help. Interested?"

Bemused looking man: "Er. Yeah, sort of mate. But what do you do if you're not a network installer? Do you work for someone else at the moment?"

Me: [Thinks: Bingo! Just the reaction I wanted!] "Well, I'm more into computer software, specifically database and solution consultancy. I think that if I installed networks to your customers I stand a good chance of doing some consultancy work for them afterwards which is my real expertise and money maker?"

BLM: "Have you had any consultancy experience before? We're quite keen on expanding that area of our business too?"

Me: "Well, since about ten years ago I've run my own successful database design company with clients in Texas, New York, Trinidad, Tunisia, Ireland, France, Germany, Turkey and so on. But about four years ago I got fed up with doing everything myself so I decided to get a bit serious about it and turned a bedroom business into a ltd company which now has a turnover of over £1m per year. I think I have some experience you may find useful...."

BLM: [eyes widen, drools a little] "So.....what sort of hours and money are you looking for?"

Me: [thinks: Oh yeah, he wants me! Fun time!!] "I dunno really. There's a unit spare just down the street so I may just start a new company right here. I like a healthy challenge. How long have you been trading?"

BLM: [beads of sweat appear] "Er. About a year? Are you serious about opening a business here?"

Me: "Yep. But keep my mobile number and give me a call if you think I can help you, or if you've got a better idea eh?"

I got a call about an hour later which I deliberately let go through to voice mail. (I was busy being a house-bitch, and I knew it'd be him) He's asked whether I'd mind popping in to see him in the morning. Or at any other point that's convenient. Another day would be fine if that fits in better with me. Or he can come and see me. Happy days eh?!

Still got to really decide what I want to do though. Stacking shelves for minimum wage with a zero responsibility still has it's appealing side. I don't think I'd be able to keep my mouth shut long enough though.