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Have you ever wondered what etc reallt means?

I doubt it as all my readers are clever sparks.

How about QED? That's Quad Erat Demonstrandum=It has been demonstrated

One of my personal mottos is a twist on this. QID. Quad irat demonstrandum

"It will be demonstrated"

All of you should consider that as a personal motto. When you believe it's gonna happen, it will. Simple as.

That's all. Muchius Luvius.

Rockstar update

Forgot to mention. The meeting today with the very important "tough" guy went exceptionally well.

I sent him down to the kitchen on the floor below to fetch me some milk before the meeting even began. And I take my coffee black. It's just good to assert the tone before these things begin. He looked a little defected when I didn't use it but there we go. When I'm warned someone is tough I like to get the first bitch slap in.

We got on pretty well and mine was the only name he could remember out of a room full of people which is what I was after. I didn't swear at all other than casually. I did tell him I'd break his face if he called my database PCS rather than DCS one more time. All was good. Boss actually thanked me. Amazing.

THEN the ROCKSTAR thing happened. I've got to transfer a database from Brisbane to North Aus. All the time it's down it's costing us $120 000 per hour purely in lost labout. So with this in mind and the commercial airlines doing no direct flight, I'm now booked onto my OWN PRIVATE JET.

How cool is that? It's costing over $10000 but it will get me there in 3 hours whereas commerical with transfer takes 9 hours. I've also used the company Amex to buy an impressive range of toys which may possibly help but in all likelihood will be of much more use to me personally so I'll just keep them here.

Ooooh. It's been a fun day. Only downside, on the Leer jet there's no meals or hot aisle chicks. I'll take a porno mag instead.....

Global Blogger Meetup

Ok peeps. Things are getting busy now. I'm gonna be away for a while before I fly out to GBM. Pls let me have your thoughs on the FREE Global Blogger Meetup T-shirts I'm providing.

It was gonna be a one-size-fits-none but since there are so few people we can get inividual sizes. Pls email required size to vuboq who will pass it on to me.

Additionally, any ideas for design appreciated. We've got two ideas but I'm really happy to hear more. Does anyone mind their blog address being printed on it? I wont be able to wear mine for casual fridays but if we go with that I'll wear it away from home lots!

Just throw me your ideas people. And pimp it some more! Btw, one or two people that have shown support but can't attend are getting honoury t-shirts so you're welcome to partake in this brainstorm. I'm sure you can guess who you are :)

Addiction and arrogance

I've fallen into a bad habit recently. I've been chatting to UK, Canadanian and US friends on M$ Messenger until silly o clock in the morning most days recently.

So I'm very tired. I've been getting by on about 4 / 5 hours sleep per night for the last couple of weeks. Some nights I've just gone straight through and back into work.

Tonight Messenger is fucked. You'd think I'd seize the opportunity to catch up on some sleep. But instead I sit here with an expression akin to Homer Simpson clicking the "Connect" button every 2 minutes or so.

I miss my friends :(

In other news, our company just won a mega deal, one of the biggest ever. Tomorrow I've got a 5 hour meeting with the client to discuss their database requirements. I initially declined the meeting request and boss came running through and said "You CAN'T decline! This is hugely important and for some reason he asked specifically to see you!" Oh my boss is such a people person

I mailed the guy back and said I could do 2 hours max as I'm busy. I copied the boss who came running out almost immediately and said "You can't DO that! He's the client! He's hugely important!"

Me: "So I get paid extra for staying late do I?"

Boss: "Well, no, but you know it's really important"

Me: "I'm a contractor. It's not really anything to do with me. I just do my hours, cos if I do more, even in my own weekend, you question why"

Boss: "Come into my office and close the door"

[do so - ready to give a proper serve]

Boss: "I didn't want to say this in front of the others, but I'm sorry. It's only recently been brought to my attention how much work you've been doing that I've been unaware of"

Me: [Thinks: Yeah, RIGHT] "And?"

Boss: "I'd really appreciate it if you would meet with this guy. He's tough and very arrogant. Please meet with him but you mustn't swear or lose your temper with him. I'm pleading with you hard here Jay"

Me: [Thinks: Arrogant? Tough? Oh baby!] "Ok mate. I'll do it. But I'm going to put 2 extra hours on timesheet to cover the hassle"

I'm really looking forward to it now. I've been warned by a few people since that he's a tough cookie, but that makes it all the more funner. There are two possible outcomes. I'll have him eating out of my palm or I'll fuck up a multi million dollar contract for my company.

Isn't it odd that they give this task to lil' ol' contractor me rather than a real employee such as my So Called Manager? Anyone would think I was more capable than him or something? Oh, and they've advertised a position for someone to assist me when I get back from Global Blogger Meetup. Does that mean they're planning to keep me a little longer I wonder?

Meat free monday = veggie lasagna

In preparation for tomorrows meat free day (I confess, I'm meat free most of the time now. But not for any special reason. I'm just content with it and don't feel guilty about the odd steak or bacon sarny) I decided I'd have a go at the most predictable item on any veg menu - veg lasagna, and see if I could make a good one.

Normally when I fancy lasagna I just go for my (bloody good) meat one so I wondered if I could make a (bloody good) veg one. I went to my fave recipe site to search for ideas. I normally read and mentally note ten or so recipes and then go off and do my own thing from the ideas. Even though in this case it aint complicated.

But I did giggle when I came across this. Yummy:

1 onion (chopped)
2 cloves garlic (minced)
1 (6 oz.) can tomato paste
1 (15 oz.) can tomato sauce
1 lg. can tomatoes
3 pkgs. chopped spinach, unfrozen and drained (shredded zucchini can be substituted)
6 eggs, hardboiled
1 pkg. wide lasagne noodles
3 pkgs. Mozzarella cheese, slices or shredded
1 can Marinara sauce

Combine first 5 ingredients in a large frying pan and saute lightly. Add spinach. Mix thoroughly. Layer the lasagne as follows:
1. vegetable mixture
2. uncooked lasagne noodles
3. hard boiled eggs
4. 1 pkg. Mozzarella cheese

Cover last layer of cheese with the Marinara sauce. Cover dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour. This dish is great as a dinner for about 12 people. It is terrific for left overs. You can also substitute hamburger.

Is it just me, or is that just stupid? Isn't it missing any kind of texture veg?! It's fucking pasta with tomato and cheese. And it serves 12?! With great leftovers?

Now I know what umpa-lumpas, pixies and leprechauns eat.

Only "great leftovers" cos no cunt will eat it.

In my humble opinion that would serve 2/3 people with a bowl of slop. Please feel free to correct me but I think it's that sort of shit that makes lots of people thing vegetarian diet is crap. With that, it fucking would be.

And substitute hamburger for what?! Mad I tells ya, mad.... Sorry for any offense. Please don't report me for me opinions. Again.

Gross post

(Additional) Content Warning.
This is gross. If you really want to read it, scroll down. If you'd rather not (Recommended) then just scroll down until the red blur has gone.
























Yesterday morning I woke up and instantly noticed an odd smell. I checked under the sheets but I hadn't shit the bed. Curious. The moment I walked into my living area the smell was definately worse. A kind of "Bins need emptying" smell. I went to the kitchen and the bin was virtually empty. And the kitchen didn't seem to smell so much.

I checked around the work surfaces for any food/leftovers I'd left out all night (It was already 30 degrees by the time I got up, food goes bad v quick here). There was none.

I shrugged, took the bin out, put the ceiling fans on high and went to my normal retreat outside.

A while later I went inside and the smell hadn't cleared. I searched the place high and low as it's not uncommon for me to have a plate of food and then put it down while looking for a CD or something and wander off forgetting about it.

Nothing.

Then I had a brainwave. Kitchen sink! It was still filled with washing up water from last night. Perhaps that had gone rank. I emptied it confident the smell would go.

Half an hour later - nope. Still smells bad. I began to wonder whether there was a dead mouse or something tucked away somewhere. Then Brainwave #2! I went to the microwave which is right at the living room end of the kitchen. I open the door and......eeeeewwwwwwww!

Bowl of furry vege noodles and a swarm of fruit flies eating them :( And the most unholy smell ever. After retching a bit and getting clean air from outside I held breath, went in, grabbed the bowl and took it straight to the outside bin where the bowl and contents were dropped at arms length.

I have since thoroughly bleached out the microwave even though the vileness was contained to a bowl. But I have two questions:

1) How do little fruit flies (Drosophila?) get into a microwave without the microwaves getting out? I'm confused.

2) How do noodles and veg smell so bad? Surely they should just dry out?


























That is all. Sorry.

Science is easy with an oligomeric. I had one but the end fell off.

Last night I was chatting with "This is how my head explodes" on messenger. Linky to left incase you've not checked her out yet. Someone had obviously added something to one of the 6 bottles of beer I'd consumed that had made me giggly and this messenger silliness ensued:


Head explodes: pentraxin is a good word, don't you think?

Me: wossit mean?

HE: its a class of protein - cyclic, oligomeric and calcium binding...

Me: I knew that I was just making sure you did

HE: yeah...

Me: I know all about it. Protein=meat, calcium=milk, cyclic=spinny and oligomeric doesn't matter. I can deduce it's when your milk turns into meat from too much stirring with an oglo thing - Science is easy

I don't think she believed me. Would I lie?

Environmentalists are gonna love it

You know how petrol heads and environmentalists generally don't get on? With car pollution releasing all sorts of obnoxious gasses and the demands to rip up ever more country-side to build more roads?

Well, now the enviro's are probably gonna take out a hit on one Joe Harmon. A guy that's thought of a good use for all the trees that are being killed off. Build cars from them. And not just any car, but one that does 240mph to suck down even more juice.

The article quotes "British car company Morgan started making cars made from wood, and the company is currently one of the most successful British specialist car makers today". Ummm. I'm British and I wasn't aware that there were even any British car makers left apart from Lotus!

I'm amused by this.

Mystery solved

So this is why they keep making me take this cube of plastic and silicon home....



They expect me to work? And use my electricity for the honour? There's only one thing I can possibly say. SUCK IT PRINCESS

Pimp my GBM

Not "Gay Black Man" Mr V and you know it. Every time I type GBM I chuckle now.

Well, there are 6,602,224,175 people in the world and only 7 are attending the very first Global Blogger Meetup - March 15 - 18 2008, Washington DC, US. Although I've not asked, I'm stealing content from the V man to give you a run down:

Finally, I've been working on a Global Blogger Meet-Up schedule of events ... this is all tentative, but here goes:

March 15 (Saturday): Dinner at Mandalay in Silver Spring followed by VUBOQ's All Star Dessert and Vodka Birthday Party! (I suggested the vodka infustions, we're going pistacio and hairy ball (coconut of course)

March 16 (Sunday): Sight-seeing in beautiful Washington, DC. Sangria and tapas at Jaleo! Possibly clubbing at Cobalt! [Although I'm not sure how fun it is on a Sunday night. I will check.] We're going to cobalt. Has been decieded :) Gay bar! Gay Bar! Gonna take you to the Gay Bar! Yey!

March 17 (The Best Day of the Year): Afternoon Margaritas and Spinach Enchiladas at Alero, followed by a (smallish) Chili Party at the hacienda. I've promised Mr V brekky in bed. He's so lucky. I'm cooking it, 2c is taking it - it's a joint effort and I dont trust shielas to cook.

March 18 (Tuesday): Sight-seeing in beautiful Washington, DC (for those people who aren't leaving) ... or just blobbing around the house knitting, drinking, and eating leftovers.This is, of course, subject to change, but it gives you a general idea of the festivities, no? Sounds fun?

We've enlisted Asians, Canadanians, Americans, Europeans, Quasi-aussies, Boys, Girls, Gays, Straights and Bi's to come along for your social enjoyment. Why aren't you coming? You know it's gonna be awesome.

So far we're clocking up 27412 airmiles so our carbon footprint aint so hot, but hell....It's gonna be awesome fun as we'll match that figure in litres of alcyhols consumed...

If you're coming then let me know asap, if you're not then I'll need a letter from your parents explaining why not. You've been warned.

Dont forget, I'm "ENTERTAINMENT MANAGER" for the event so we're all gonna have lots of fun. And you get a free t-shirt! And I'm working on getting a karaoke event shoe horned in! Talking of T shirts, I need to speak to the 6 other special attendees soon, so keep tuned.

Have an awesome weekend people :)

Hmmm

Three years ago to the minute I was making love with tt in Cairns. I have a memory for such things.

I hope you're ok tt, I still love you of course. x x x

That is all.

Happy Valentines!

If male gay then "Hope you get (/to give) a poke up the botty"

If female gay then "Hope you get (/to give) a good licky sesh"

If hetero/swing both ways, either male or female, see above.

We're all the same really.

See? Valentines is when I get romantic..... I'm a sweet talker me.

Don't let me near you

...or you'll open up like a Yarmouth girl seeing a fiver.

My company took my security card from me today. I'm one of a rare breed that has access all areas cos a dumb-arsed user with special IT needs may need my assistance anywhere. In fact, it's such an access-all I can enter anywhere in any QLD office building belonging to our company or clients.

The trouble is. It was too powerful. Not just in terms of the access it gives me but the power of the card itself. Normally you have to walk up to a door and wave the card somewhere near the scan pad.

My being totally over the top has spread to my card it would seem. I walk down a corridoor to a series of beeps, pips and buzzes. It's a bit like when Clint Eastwood walk slowly towards the baddies with the bumpkin music going to each step.

I stride slowly down the corridoor to "Beep beep pip buzzzzzz". The other workers dive for cover as my fingers flex near the Blueberry in my belt....

Someone undocks there lappy from a dock station and runs for the hills....

I pull out my cordless mouse and coolly say "Yeah, I know what you're wondering. That thing has enough charge for a million clicks. Has he done a million clicks? Well, to be honest, I've kinda lost count meself. So fuckwit....You feeling lucky?"

Sorry. Went of on one there, and I've not even smoked anything green.

Anyhoo, yeah, they've taken away my card cos my wombling around the building was leaving the place with more holes than swiss cheese.

I'm getting a new one tomorrow and I'm gonna stick it to my groin so I have to grind me boy bits against the sensors. Bet I get my old one back v soon.

Special Agent 009

A couple of weeks ago I realised my rent has gone up by 11% in the time I've lived here. My pay however, hasn't changed. Most likely because when I began work it was only supposed to be a 3 month contract and hense we hadn't negotiated any rise scheme.

However, despite my "unique attitude towards work" I have assumed and performed more duties and built client confidence. I hate to think how much money I've saved the company but I know it must now be running into $m's.

So, rarely one to be shy, I called my agent and told him he needed to negotiate a raise for me. He said he'd apply for 5% which would most likely get knocked down to 3%, would that be acceptable?

Although I like my agent I gave him rather a serve and enlightened him to some expletives he didn't know even existed let alone could be strung tongether into a two minute barrage of insults culminating with me saying I'd remove myself from his books immediately and find someone else.

Although he only takes 1% of my wages I'm still a nice little earner for him and he didn't like the idea of that.

He called today to tell me although the company policy was to never increase pay by more than 5% pa he's negotiated me a 9% raise effective from today.

Woot. That means I can take 9% more vay kays with no loss in earnings! (See? Unique attitude!)

See what can happen when you put your mind to something Mr Agent?

Te He.

Anniversary

I realised today that today marks the 3rd year anniversary of my first entry to Australia.

It feels so much longer! Since then I've been to UK x 5, France x 2, Holland x 3, Germany x 3, Poland, Hungary, Czech Republic, Spain, Greece x 2, Slovakia, Slovinia, New Zealand, Japan, Malaysia, UAE, Italy, Peru, Bolivia, US x 2, Brunei, Greek islands and China.

What a busy boy I've been. Time flies when you're having fun eh?

This is my bridge, my favourite thing in Aus thus far: [Yay!]

It's the Storey bridge and visible from my house.

This is my phobia. My only dislike about Aus: [Shudder]

It's a Huntsman spidey. Who built a web in just one day from my table to the wall and decided to hang above my head until I noticed him and shit me self.

He can move lightening quick, he can jump, he can bite. But he's only mildly poisonous. And he's dead. He broke.

A message

Dear Ex-neighbour,

G'day you kiwi wanker.

Despite the fact you're prolly my best friend in Aus I must seize this opportunity to say you're a total and utter cunt. I know that's not an unusual thing for me to say to you but in this instance it's from the bottom of my heart.

Why oh why did you show me that flash deli last weekend?

I've had some vino today so I may not drive. I've had some vino so I can hardly walk. I've had some vino so I took a taxi.

Taxi bill=$12
Steak bill=$31

Yes. $31. I could go to Straylias best renowned steak restaurant (The brekky creek) and get an awesome feed with all the garnishing a couple of pints for that.

But you just had to visit last weekend and show me the deli from hell didn't you? And then bring it back here and bbq it to perfection didn't you? You total fucker.

I'm now addicted to steaks that are verging on UK prices you prize winning nobhole.

Enjoy your vay-kay. I'm about to fire up the bbq and roast me some moo. I truly believe the thought of that will make your first night away suck. And of course, that's my revenge for you showing me the fucking place.

Your loving (in a non gay way) ex-neighbour,

Jay

PS. Mmmmmmm, which of my home made sauces that make you drool should I use? Oh I know, ALL of them. Suck it cunt.

Belated

Did you know it's traditional to stay up all night for Chinese New Year?

I didn't but I now feel I should be given honoury citizenship as I did.

On a totally different note, someone that shall remain nameless implied that I was an "Anal Fistula" last night. I had no idea what that was so I googled it.

"An anal fissure is a superficial linear tear in the anoderm most commonly caused by passage of a large, hard stool."

For any normal people I can translate:

"Aw mate, ya know when you curl a big floaty into the dunny an' it really hurts yer arse? That's cos you've got a fist in yer arse....."

Yes. I could be a doctor.

Explanation

Last night I was feeling v lazy, v drunk and v hungry.



So to address all 3 issues I decided to cook some snack noodles in microwave.



My microwave lives on top of my fridge-freezer. It's content and happy there.



After the two minute ping I removed them to stir about. And then I decided that some frozen veg chucked in would make them a whole lot more edible. I don't really understand why I thought that cos at the time I was hungry enough to eat the saddle of a wooden rocking horse.



Consider this pic (Which was taken after the event:

So you see the microwave happy on top of the freezer? Well, I put the bowl of noodles right in front of the microwave. aka, on the freezer.

Then of course I needed the frozen veg to add. So in drunken stupor I just open the freezer.

This is when the matrix bit happens.

In slow mo I see the bowl falling. I think "noooooooooooooooo!" and slam the freezer door shut.

I look down to the floor and see this:

Yeah. Fucking noodles everywhere. But where's the smashed glass bowl?

After checking and rechecking that it wasn't embedded in my leg or something I tentatively open the freezer....

Look at bottom right shelf.

Totally awesome. Somehow, in a defiance of gravity the noodles made a journey to make a mess on my floor but my lightening reflexes despite drunkeness to the n'th degree managed to save my bowl. And even file it neatly.

I lie not. These pics are exactly as it happened.

And being an uber nerd my first thought was "Shit. I can't blog about this, no one will believe it"

But bollocks, now ya know about the very random post two ago....

If you're unhappy and you know it...

Clap your hands and move the circus on.

Life's too short people! Fucking deal with the drama and get on with it :)

This will make more sense to some than others. Normal service will resume shortly

BE HAPPY.

Dripping noodles, the matrix and FLASH

I just had to sms a regular commenter and very good friend about this. The Dr.

The sms said something like "Something totally awesome just happened. So unbelievable I can't blog about it :( Just call me flash"

But the more I look at the situation and try to work it out, the less able I am to not take photos and tell the world about my awesome skills, catlike reactions and ability to defy the laws of physics.

Newton: Suck my boy bits when you're done watching apples fall from trees

Possibly more later. I like to have readers in suspenders.....

That'll fuck 'em

Earlier today my hifi suddenly went silent. I walked inside and discovered the volume display showing 0. "Hmmmm. Odd" I think and turn it up again.

Two minutes later it went silent again. I went inside and the same thing had happened. "Ah." I think and I fix it.

How did I fix it? Well...

Back when I was a scallywag I had a great idea for being an arse. I bought one of those "control everything" remote controls with an auto set-up feature. Then I'd walk around the static caravans in the holiday park in my village at night time, point it through the window and take control of peoples TVs.

I'd change channels, adjust the volume etc as they were watching and cause all sorts of confusion.

I remembered this in a flash. So I put a small piece of package tape over the remote control receive without even looking out of the window at my neighbour who was prolly hiding by then anyway.

I've not had a problem since.

This is why the expression "set a thief to catch a thief" exists.

Air Canada....

....have graduated to the list on companies I hold a vendetta against.

Try and visit the site from Australia and the cheap flights aren't listed. Visit it from Canada and they are.

Visit from Canada and try to use an Aus credit card to book and they tell you to use the Australian site.

Call them and after an hour on hold they hang up. Three times in a row.

When you finally speak to someone they are so helpful they tell you "Well. It should work. Try again. Bye." [click]

Wankers.

Silly

Two sailors become victims of a ship wreck. They wash up on a dessert island. A tribe of cannibals discover them and inform them that they're about to become main course.

Unless.......

They can perform......

"The challenge of fruit!"

The sailors gladly agree, thinking nothing can be worse than being on the wrong side of a dinner pot. The chief tells them they must each go into the jungle and return to him with 100 pieces of fruit.

They rock off into the jungle.

An hour later one returns and says "Oh mighty chief, I've brought you 100 grapes. May I leave now?"

"NO! First you must complete the challenge. In front of all my people you must insert each fruit into your anus. If you so much as snigger or giggle you're cooked"

The sailor agrees.

After just two grapes he bursts into hysterical laughter.

"NOW YOU WILL BE COOKED! You didn't even entertain my people for one minute!" fumes the chief.

"I'm sorry chief. It's my Captain.....He's still out in the jungle collecting pineapples......"

On another note, COME TO Global Blogger Meetup! DC, March 15 - 18! Meet all your fave bloggers Me! (Actually, there's a list here)

Mama Mia!

I remember, back in the homeland. My mama used to cooka da best spaghetti.

She hadda da patience to wait for it to soften and then curl it into da saucepan.

Then before she served her hungry familia she'd......

Cut it into small pieces with scissors so we wouldn't make a mess.

Tonight it occured to me, why the hell didn't she just snap it up before chucking it in the fuckin' pan?

Seriously, you sheilas need fuckin lessons in logic......

PS. I hope none of you are professional killers.
PPS. Who said I couldn't be random?

A most bemusing day

Sorry for not posting much, I've done nothing but work recently. Things have been hectic.

Today my "manager", the one that daren't talk to me because I scare him, overheard me on the phone to a coworker. Specifically he heard me talking about one of our clients and me saying "Yeah, they've got a new IT guy and he's complete cunt".

When I got of the phone this convo occured. Bless his little cotton socks:

So called manager: "Ummmm. Did I hear what I think I did?"
Me: "Errr. Dunno? What did you think I said?" [genuinely]
SCM: "You called one of our clients a word I can't repeat"
Me: "No. Definately not. I called him a 'cunt' not 'a word I can't repeat' "
[phone rings]

That made me giggle. A few minutes later, despite closed door I caught the end of a conversation in boss's office

SCM: "But it's disrespectful! You really should say something"
Boss: "It's the way he is. We're never gonna change him"
SCM: "I think it's wrong"
Boss: "Everyone here loves him. He insults them to their faces and they just laugh. It's just part of his character. He's a mate to everyone"

I wonder what on earth they were talking about? He He He. Go boss.

Later on I was on phone to another person in the company and trying to work out where the hell their office was. In the end I said "I'll ask [boss], he knows which bits of the building I know" and left it at that. I asked boss and being a wise arse he replied "Downstairs". I turned around to him and said "For fuck sake mate! You're as useful as mud flaps on a bloody tortoise!" SCM almost fainted but boss and everyone else just laughed.

I think I've made an enemy with SCM.

Later, something else happened. I can't really talk about it on here. But it was extremely funny. Chicks can be very possesive eh? Oh, I'm giggling thinking about it :) Sometimes they shock me by being even dirtier than me too....