Don't let me near you

...or you'll open up like a Yarmouth girl seeing a fiver.

My company took my security card from me today. I'm one of a rare breed that has access all areas cos a dumb-arsed user with special IT needs may need my assistance anywhere. In fact, it's such an access-all I can enter anywhere in any QLD office building belonging to our company or clients.

The trouble is. It was too powerful. Not just in terms of the access it gives me but the power of the card itself. Normally you have to walk up to a door and wave the card somewhere near the scan pad.

My being totally over the top has spread to my card it would seem. I walk down a corridoor to a series of beeps, pips and buzzes. It's a bit like when Clint Eastwood walk slowly towards the baddies with the bumpkin music going to each step.

I stride slowly down the corridoor to "Beep beep pip buzzzzzz". The other workers dive for cover as my fingers flex near the Blueberry in my belt....

Someone undocks there lappy from a dock station and runs for the hills....

I pull out my cordless mouse and coolly say "Yeah, I know what you're wondering. That thing has enough charge for a million clicks. Has he done a million clicks? Well, to be honest, I've kinda lost count meself. So fuckwit....You feeling lucky?"

Sorry. Went of on one there, and I've not even smoked anything green.

Anyhoo, yeah, they've taken away my card cos my wombling around the building was leaving the place with more holes than swiss cheese.

I'm getting a new one tomorrow and I'm gonna stick it to my groin so I have to grind me boy bits against the sensors. Bet I get my old one back v soon.