Triple take

Random ramblings of a British guy that's moved to Australia. And now back to UK.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

It's all so exiciting!

Wow. Where do I start? You know yesterday I mentioned a job offer that may happen? Well today I got another. And I'm not even looking! Basically my immediate boss/supervisor took to one side today and said he was about to fuck off to another company. And that if I wanted he could get me a job there too.

Why is that when you're looking for work it's so hard and yet when you have a good job everyone wants you to quit and go to them?! The best option is with the last one I mentioned though. I love variety whereas this one would be doing exactly what I'm doing now - Eg., driving a desk.

In other exciting news I've got tickets on hold to UK. It's with Quantas at the moment and I'm trying to find something cheaper cos they've guaranteed to price match up until Friday.

I got another lovely surprise today too. S turned up at my work and gave me some DVD's. She works for a media company so they're all pre-release. How cool is that?!

I've got to go zzz now. It's late. Very late. Did I mention we're going to UK?! Woo hoo!!!


Monday, May 28, 2007

The unthinkable has happened

On a call to my bank 2 mins ago:

Call centre chick: "Since you've only been there a year could I take your previous address please?"

Me: "Yeah, it's XX st., Townsville, UK"

ccc: "Oh, you've spent some time in the UK?"

Me: "I'm bloody British love"

ccc: "Oh. Sorry, from your voice I thought you were from West Australia or Northern Territory..."

GNAGH!!!!!! Thank fuck I'm going back to the UK so I can get proper voice back.

I'm going to sulk quietly in the corner now....

At least S says I sound pom.....

*sulks*

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Karma

Yesterday I had my best day for ages. I'd promised to meet S at 11am in her home town which is about half an hour from me. I woke at about 10.55am with my mobile still in my hand on the "Set Alarm" screen. I guess I was really tired when I went to bed.

But anyhoo, I turned up an hour late and only expected half an hour with her, at most. We fed ducks again (I stole 7 bread rolls from the work BBQ), then we went to a dress fitting cos S has a charity ball upcoming and needs a dress. Then we went to the shopping centre. Then we went to buy a kitty at a pet store. Then we went to S's place and she tried on loads of clothes to choose something to wear for the evening. Then we came to my place briefly before heading out and getting some dinner. Then we went to a pub. Then we went clubbing.

Umm. The half hour thing kinda turned into 12 hours or so.

I can't remember the last time I couldn't get a stupid inane grin off my face so long. It was worst at the club. S was dancing and I SO wanted to get up too. But I'm shit at dancing so I didn't.
Now onto the karma part. S's father runs a charity and I wanted to get involved in a volunteer position. I went to the website and discovered the application form was in PDF format to be printed and posted. You all know me - I can't be arsed to do stuff like that.

So I emailed my CV which had most of the info they needed and a covering note to explain other stuff that wasn't on the resume. I got a call about 5.45 tonight from them. They asked if I was currently working. I laughed and explained that I wasn't trying to find employment but it was the easiest way to apply to be a freebie volunteer.

M said "I know. But this is unrelated. As well as the charity I work for X. We're looking for someone with your qualifications...."

So now, although it's not certain of course (she has to run it by her boss), I may be changing position soon. And to be honest, I really hope it happens! It's such a challenging role, I love things that confront me. It will be software, hardware, network infrastructure, travel all over Aus, etc. WOW! I want it!

And this has only happened cos I wanted to do some work for charity. Karma people. It works.
Whether it happens or not, this is true: I LOVE STRAYLIA! I've had a totally rocking weekend and I'm HAPPY! Party on all of ya's....


Friday, May 25, 2007

I missed the chance of my first aussie BBQ

I don't think I've mentioned this before but for the last 3 weeks I've been on a meat & wheat free diet plan. I've also been making the effort to eat three meals a day which is an oddity to me.

Unfortunately I've also banned sugar, salt and dairy products from my diet. And eggs. So that rules out almost everything except fresh fruit, veg and seed products. Seed products sounds odd, but I mean rice cakes and rye crackers - basically anything that's crunchy but tasteless.

Most mornings I have either yogurt and fruit or "real porridge" (boiled rolled oats). For almost every work lunch I take a small can of tuna in spring water, half an avocado, lump of cucumber and a tomato. I chop/mash it all up and eat it with styrofoam rice crackers. Occasionally, when I feel like beating a tuna to death, I take previous nights dinner leftovers instead. Dinner is either veg stirfry, veg curry or veg casserole.

I'm also avoiding caffeine so I'm drinking "herbal infusions" instead of coffee. Now get this. I've been sticking to this for over 3 weeks with one exception of a pizza. But I seem to be putting on weight. How the fuck does that happen?!

Today work celebrated winning a major contract by chucking a free BBQ for everyone. They're always doing that sort of stuff. Hardly a week goes by without some form of free lunch. But usually it's Thai and it's announced over the PA system about 2 mins after I've consumed the lunch I brought in. This was different because we actually got an email yesterday telling us it was gonna happen.

I decided I was gonna splurge and treat myself to a burger. I looked forward to it for 24 hours then when it came to it I decided I didn't really fancy it after all. I had some rice cakes and apple with cinnamon tea instead.

What was funny though is that I went outside about 10am and someone had put some fluffy toys on top of the (unlit) BBQ. There was a fluffy cow, fluffy pig and a big yellow chicken. And an A3 sheet of paper next to them with "PLEASE EAT US" written on it! I guess we employ some Nazi Vegetarians! However, aussies being aussies when I went out later in the avo the toys were all singed and the sign had "Fuck that, you're too stringy" handwritten under it.

I left at 3.30 to go to someones leaving do and company paid beer. I didn't really know anyone so I went home. Social aren't I?



Thursday, May 24, 2007

The random week

Didn't happen quite as expected. I'm still awaiting the post from UK. I'm also struggling to write the post in the style of another blogger since I'm updating my CV and getting various stuff done. But I do have the post from the aussie offerer, so I'll post that now and back date it just behind this one.

And I'll struggle to get the motivation to get you up to speed shortly...


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Other than this title, not by me...

You can post this as my blog if you want….
______________________________________________________________________________
It’s not original; the words aren’t my own like all of the other posts which have been here….
However there is meaning behind madness….

I’m a HUGE lover of Words – many would argue that I use them too much – however I can’t help but love the way they feel in the mouth before spoken into the vastness of time and space. I love how they make an eye sparkle, a mind wonder, a story unfold and mostly I love how they create a powerful sensual experience and allure between the writer and reader – where meaning, tone and intention can be alluded to simply by…

adding the smallest… amount of layout…

Read below with this in mind and Enjoy.

E.E Cummings – I Carry Your Heart With Me
i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me
is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate,
my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world,
my true)
…and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
…and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
…and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
(i carry it in my heart)
S

Monday, May 21, 2007

All sorts of random stuff

On Saturday Trish came to collect more of her stuff. The place is almost totally void of TT things now. It's a little sad. I'd just gotten used to crashing in the lounge but now I've resumed my usual surroundings of sitting outside on the patio with me laptop. She actually asked me for a hug, and that kind of blew my mind. You know how they say shock can be delayed? Well in this case it's about 48 hours delayed.

Yesterday S came over and we went shopping. Gods bless that girl, she cheers me up so much. At one point I got a bit sooky and said "I've no friends here" which was met with an indignant "HEY! What about me?!" I think there was even a foot stomp involved. I'm sorry S! You know that current company was excepted!

We went to a shopping centre I've never been to before and I bought a microwave, a huge bag of soil, 2 window boxes and some herbs. We then discovered a European deli so I bought some cheese and pastrami. There goes the diet plan of no dairy, no wheat, no meat....

We also went to a music shop where I bought a CD and a DVD. CD to say thanks to S, DVD for me.

I'm thinking about telling TT the address of this blog. I know she'll never comment but I feel I owe it to her for some reason. She never knew my address although I knew hers. And it seems fair that I should let her have access to the "real me"? I need your thoughts people.

Oooookkkkkaaaaay. Since writing the thoughts above more stuff has happened. I finished typing and then got bus into city. Why? Because I was due in court. For the second time in 4 weeks. I think someone has a vendetta against me. The first time was a charge for working with inappropriate visa. I rocked on up, explained the circumstance and was let off without charge.

This time the charge was wasting water on excessive watering of my garden contrary to Level 5 restrictions. I turned up with a few photos of my window box sized herb garden (wilting through lack of water) and was once again let off without charge. I daresay the next time will be on a charge of GBH against the silly cunt that keeps landing me in court. I may not fair so well with that one...

This has led me perfectly into the next bit of gibber. Guess what happened after court? I got decked! Someone finally got the better of me. It's been a while coming I guess but I'm still in shock. I was crossing the street near the city centre and the guy in front of me reached the pavement and stopped the moment he stepped onto it. This of course meant I had to stop immediately, back up, and walk around him. I muttered "Nice one dick face" but I guess I didn't mutter it so quietly as I thought I had.

He turned around and squared straight up to me with a rather pissed off expression. I said "Well come on fella, you just stopped right on the kerb!" Before I knew it the guy stood next to me back fisted me in the side of the face. It came out of nowhere. I had no idea he was even with a friend.

Luckily I had nothing in my hands so I was able to break my fall quite easily. I kicked out at the guy that had back handed me and I think he actually hit the deck before I did. I scrabbled up feeling a bit disorientated and they both legged it into the Mall. Fucking cowards. Still, probably all for the best.

Well, that'll do me for now. I guess it's time for the randomness to begin...

Dunno why

For some reason I feel compelled to write this so I will.

Do you know what I'd really like to do with my life?

I want to be a tour guide. Not for a coach full of people, but a small group. And I want to offer "personalised tours" around Europe. I know the place like the back of my hand. I know loads of shit about loads of major cities. I know how to read people. I know what people want.

I want to take small group on the best tour they've ever had. I want it to be open, no set itinerary. If they like partying it'll be Amsterdam, Munich, Prague, Ibiza.

If they want architecture it'll be London, Paris, Berlin, Rome, Athens...

You get the idea. If they want a mix then fine, I'm up for anything.

I'm really tempted people.

I daren't make it a target cos when I set a target I never fail to achieve it. I'm all confuzzled.....

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Welcome to a week of randomness

I'll do a couple more posts, but as from Monday this is going to become rather random. I've got an idea for a meme, and I'm gonna write Mondays post in the style of another blogger. As we're all quite a close community you'll prob recognise who I've chosen.

And I have a guest appearance lined up too. Someone asked if they could post something on my blog and although I have no idea what it will be, I agreed. And I'm going to put out the challenge to my UK friends and although none of them know the blog address hopefully someone will agree to write something.

It's gonna be weird people. But fun eh?

I've gotta call family in UK soon. Otherwise I'd miss me weekly pay out about sounding aussie.

PS. This is only a temporary thing! It'll only be a few days weirdness...

Some never learn....

How many of you remember the "Mouse days"? That time Trish (yes, that's TT) and I were plagued by that rotten mouse that refused to be trapped? If you wish to recap, the finale was here

Well. The other night I noticed a brown spot flash across the floor. It had been feeding on parrots spilt seed. Bloody messy bird. I suspected at the time more mousey blogs were about to become forthcoming. But then nothing happened. For 3 days, no evidence - no squeaks, no scurrying, no poo.

But tonight, when I was trying to entertain a guest of all times, the fucker emerged from behind the bookcase. I reacted quickly and brought some chopping boards and heavy books into action. I now have him trapped. He's stuck behind the bookcase. Fuck knows the next step, suppose I've got to try and coax him out with some juicy looking parrot spill or something? Then bash it "nicely" with a yard broom?

My poor guest, (yes, it was S), spent the rest of the night with her legs up on the couch. Poor girl. I'd only explained that avo that I may be untidy but the cleanliess is very good. And then I manage to obtain a mouse again. Great timing mousey.

I reckon the last mousey left a will including a map with a big X on my house saying "Here be free food" and you know how long these things take. New mouse is probably the son and he's only just been given the documents by the mousey solicitor.

My neighbour is smoking smelly green stuff and I think I've had too much of a whiff. Does it show?

Friday, May 18, 2007

Hip-hop (replacement)

Just for a change, I saw something a little odd on the bus today. On my way home from work the bus stops at the TAFE (Further education college in Aus) and picks up noisy acne covered teens. Now, while anyone who's anyone has an iPod or other generic MP3/4 player they all tend to have very small "ear-bud" headphones. Well, today one of the chicks that got on had the biggest set of titanium headphones you've ever seen.

She looked like a fucking helicopter pilot. And I may have been wrong about them being headphones - they may have just been ear-mounted speakers cos everybody could hear her music (if you can call it that - perhaps Beats would be a better word) even over the hubbub of 20 students about to go for some underage Friday avo drinking.

She wore a baseball cap, logo'd t-shirt, baggy jeans and t-shirt. She tapped her fingers with amazing speed on the handrail of the bus. She didn't take a seat even though some were spare. After a while she started nodding her head in half time with the music. Doing it on full time would have made her look as though she was on E. Mind you, maybe she was.

Anyhoo, by now you're probably thinking - Jay, we've all seen the type, what's so special? Well, it was her age. I swear to you she was at least 75. Permed white hair, tits down to her waist, skin so wrinkly it makes a walnut smooth as a babys arse. She even smelt of wee and cabbage for added authenticity. I reached for my phone to do one of my "subtle" picture takes but the bloody thing was flat.

I've searched the Internet for anything that looks like her. To no avail. I wish I could have got a photo to show you. This has made me very excited about getting the bus next week - I must try to deliver a photo of the Grooving Granny....

PS. New aussie slang of the day: "Budgie smugglers" - male underwear....

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Radio ga ga, radio goo goo

I've always been a radio fan. I can't stand being in a silent room and I'm not much of a TV person. In the UK I used to listen to BBC Radio 1 most of the time. Here in Brisbane I listen to a station called Nova. Radio 1 is great because it doesn't have any commercials and the DJ's are pretty high quality. Just recently I've been listening to them live online lots too. I particularly like Chris Moyles (7am - 10am GMT), Jo whiley (10am - 1300) and even Scott Mills (4pm - 6.30?). You can click links on the site and listen to these shows if you miss them.

Anyhoo, Nova is also a very amusing station, and they are within site of my house so calling them local is a bit of an understatement. Although they are a commercial station they have a policy of no more than two ads in a row which makes it fine to listen to. And it's two of these ads / commercials I'd like to gibber about.

Here's the script to the first ad as closely as I can remember:
"As a smoker you have access to a variety of treatments. You can have your larynx removed and be fitted with an electronic voice box. Or you can request an oxygen tank to help you breath. Or you could try the new, painless, non invasive laser treatment from Matrix Laser Clinics. This quick procedure will turn you into a non-smoker in under an hour. Made up your mind? Good choice. Call Matrix Laser Clinics on 123456 or visit www......."

2nd ad:
"This advert is just 30 seconds long. Unfortunately some men can't last that long. If you have trouble getting an erection, arriving too quickly or find it tough to get it up then you should try Nasal Delivery Technology from AMI. This treatment can delay ejaculation and let you give it to her longer and for longer...."

Now. Where exactly do we start with these? I'm so curious I'm almost tempted to Google them. I mean, laser treatment to stop smoking? How the fuck? Do they burn you so bad that the smell of smoke will make you run screaming in future? Or do they fuse your lips together with a laser and fit a drip for nutrition?

And Advanced Nasal Technology. What's that? What exactly do they stuff up your nose to make your cock bigger? Is it simply an agency that specialises in making men snort Viagra? How does it stop you "arriving to early"? Do you have to stop while you're on the job to find a biro and snort more stuff of your chicks back? I'm sure she'd love that. "Back in a second dear, just gotta find a pen. Now, where did I put that BIC? Bloody hell, I only stole it today...."

Colour me confused...


Monday, May 14, 2007

Meat free monday

You will need:

White pages
Telephone
Approx AU$10

In the white pages locate the entry for Dominos Pizza
Call the listed number
Request a Vege Delux on classic crust
Slowly simmer while awaiting delivery guy
Exchange $10 for pizza

Yields 2 large servings.

Feel free to experiment...


Sunday, May 13, 2007

Sweet and sour

All in all today has been good - but something tainted it a little. Let me explain.

I got up late because I stayed up so late again last night. I woke up in surprisingly high spirits. I was feeling motivated enough to get a well overdue haircut and I'd decided I'd go to S's town because she's lucky enough to have a duck pond and I love throwing bread at ducks.
While I was checking out the train timetable online I noticed that one of my messenger friends had a slightly alarming comment next to their sign in name. I checked the persons blog and it was gone. Deleted.

I managed to speak to the person just before my bus was due and it was confirmed. Her relationship was over. I know this sounds really weird but I was tearful when I caught my bus. This girl has helped me out so much during my breakup it just seems totally unfair that she should now be going through the same. Is there no justice?

At the barber shop the usual argument occurred. They always ask what I want and I say a number 1 clip. They always shrug and say "I'll give you a number 2, it's not so short..." Why do all hairdressers want to avoid giving me a number 1? Seriously, this is the fourth fucking time with different hairdressers every time!

After the haircut I went straight back home to try and talk to afore mentioned friend. She wasn't about. I waited an hour then guessed she must be in bed. I went to the train station.
When it turned up I walked down the train to get into a different carriage to all the deadbeats boarding. Imagine my surprise as an empty bottle of vodka was flung from the train as I was boarding! Imagine my further surprise when I realised it was thrown by a couple of 14 year old girls! Fucking wenches!

For some odd reason they followed me so I took a seat opposite a drunkard knowing thy wouldn't like that. Unfortunately I was wrong and they took great delight in taking the piss out of him and virtually every other poor sod that walked past. I know I should have done or said something but I couldn't. These girls were so funny that if I'd stood up a little bit of wee would have probably come out.

Anyhoos, I finally arrived at S's town and went to find the duck pond. Fortunately it was really close to the train station. I called S and she came join me for Ducky/Turtle Breadfest 2007. I loved it.

I wont bore you with any more details, but I had a fantastic avo, and even though there was only a 10 minute wait for the train S decided to give me a lift home instead. Gotta love this girl, eh?
I went to bed hoping that my friend with break up drama was ok. And I thought about S quite a bit too - it's good to have a friend in the "real world".

Life isn't a box of chocolates, it's a buffet of confusing foods.


Saturday, May 12, 2007

I can do art...

It's been a great day - I met with S again. We went to the art gallery. I was really impressed - not only was it worth seeing, but it was also free. Values!

A lot of the pieces were modern, or "contemporary". To me that's usually synonymous with "Bollocks" but in this instance I was certainly proved wrong. I really enjoyed spending a few hours wandering around.

The only time I was a bit peeved was when I turned a corner and saw a stunning piece of art - it was a monochrome in blood red - extremely striking. I was momentarily stunned into silence. As you can imagine this doesn't happen often - my mouth is generally set to "auto-fire". My stunned silence is haunting me still because S turned to me and said "Isn't that awesome?"

That made me feel shit. Why? Because I loved it. And to just reply lamely "Yeah" made me seem a complete deadbeat. I felt as though I was just agreeing for agreements sake. And that SO wasn't the case. I wanted to go back and look at it again but for some reason I couldn't. I thought it would look odd. Yeah, I'm weird.

When we were done there we headed back to my place and just chilled for a while. I hugged S and felt so content. She headed home and we spent the rest of the evening chatting on line. It's so wonderful to have a friend again. I know it sounds odd, but other than Internet people I've had no friends since I left the UK. To be able to hug and talk is amazing.


Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Hmmm. Food for thought.





You Are a Ham Sandwich



You are quiet, understated, and a great comfort to all of your friends.

Over time, you have proven yourself as loyal and steadfast.

And you are by no means boring. You do well in any situation - from fancy to laid back.



Your best friend: The Turkey Sandwich



Your mortal enemy: The Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Not for the easily offended

Brisbane has a disproportionate amount of beautiful people. I don't know why, it's just one of those places filled with attractive chicks. It's really no shocker that I'm happier here than the East coast of the UK. I think I've discovered how it works now though. Tonight I got onto this bus and realised I was the only guy on a vehicle filled with really ugly women. So I suspect that the authorities actually net the crockadillyfuckpigs when they try to enter the city and place them on the ugly bus. And the driver must have thought that I was a really ugly woman and let me on.

Just one stop later this woman, in the loosest sense of the word, boarded. She had a face like a bulldog licking piss of a nettle. She bought a ticket for 1 zone and took a seat opposite me and stared, or scowled at me continuously. I didn't think it would be for long as we were almost out of zone 1. However, she stayed on the bus until I jumped off at my house which is zone 2. It really annoyed me that as well as being ugly and rude, she's also dishonest. Some people don't have a lot going for them do they?



Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Simple Day, Simple Quote

S: "Holy Fuck! But you seriously work like 1 minute away from where I work! Sorry for the french..."

Monday, May 07, 2007

My Long Weekend

Friday 4 May
I never got around to posting because I ended up staying up all night chatting with various friends around the globe. It was fantastic to be talking with various of you in States, Canada, UK, and Australia all at the same time! I didn't really notice the time until suddenly it was daylight. Oh my terrible single-boy lifestyle is almost like a pair of old comfy trainers that I'd forgotten about. Something that's been put away and forgotten about but still there and functional.

Saturday 5 May
Felt pretty crappy because of the lack of sleep. I just kind of bummed around the house most of the morning, occasionally dozing, occasionally getting up and trying to get motivated to go and get my tattoo. Then I started chatting on line with a girly that lives about half an hour away. The night before we'd been discussing music and it turned out she was making me a CD from her collection of 700(!) albums.

She came over in the afternoon with around 70 songs split over 5 cd's, and a wad of handwritten notes explaining what was on each CD. The timing was apt since TT took a lot of our music with her. This was only the second time I'd met this girl and we spent the afternoon just chatting away on my patio. I really appreciated "real" human interaction, so thanks S.

The evening was spent chatting on-line again. It's weird, I thought if I ever split with TT I'd spend all my time out in the pubs and clubs of Brisbane, but I just don't feel like it. I must be a very sad nerd because I actually feel I'm in company when I'm chatting with people even online. And thanks to the worlds fortunate habit of revolving there's always someone awake somewhere!

Sunday 6 May
Bummy morning again, having stayed up most of the night. Chatted with S and decided we'd go to see a movie. Since she's been here twice I decided to head over to her town. I went to the train station and patiently waited. The train never showed. I went to the ticket guy and asked what had happened to it. He said there were some problems with the line and I should consider a bus. Unimpressed I caught a cab.

I didn't mind paying for the cab, but imagine me seething as I get out of the cab at the station just in time to hear the recorded announcement: "The train now arriving on Platform 2 is the XYZ service from Brisbane..." GGGRRRRR! S doesn't smoke so I'd been planning to abstain. But that annoyed me.

Had a quick look at S's house and hometown then headed to cinema. We watched a film called "The History Boys" which is pretty good - the ending is a little unnecessary in my opinion. Let me know what you think when you see it. I personally think it could have finished 10 minutes earlier and lost nothing. S was kind enough to take me home and I spent the rest of the day chatting again.

Monday - Labour Day Holiday 7 May
I went into the city not realising that EVERYTHING was closed. I thought at least a few places would be open. I woke up thinking of mushroom and wine sauce so I wanted to get my hands on some mushrooms. In the end I found a 7 - 11 place that was open and had a few.

I bought those and then invited a neighbour around for steak with wine and mushroom sauce. A good time was had and I certainly had no shortage of background music. Next time I'm going to make the sauce with Port instead of red wine.

Friday, May 04, 2007

More messenger silliness while I prepare

Dan!!! says:
take care m9
Dan!!! says:
meant m8
Dan!!! says:
speak laters
Jay says:
you too m7...
Dan!!! says:
your a shit
Jay says:
No, I'm a cunt. Bye m6!

I'll post something else later!


Evil Laughs

I had a couple of ideas for posts today but something happened. I got pissed out of me head. And flirted with lots of people lots.

More importantly I ended up chatting with one of my dear readers. Someone I've never spoken to before. As well as making a complete tit of myself we also pondered an important question:

How do you type an evil laugh? I need you help dear people.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Very, very naughty

I just read a line on Mr Vuboqs blog. It reminded me of something I meant to mention to y'all to share the guilt. Today I was feeling really tired. After all, I wasn't planning on being in the office and just being there is tiring. That's why I prefer to be at home.

But anyway, the line was "want to take a nap". About 1pm today someone came to see me to tell me about a problem. I discussed it very loudly with them so that the boss dude definately overheard me say things like "But it'll take at least two hours" and "So it can't possibly wait until tomorrow?" while desperately winking at the poor accounts clerk who'd come to ask me to replace an icon on her desktop.

I went and fixed her problem in about 30 seconds, told her I was going to be in a meeting all avo, then went upstairs to an empty office, dragged a desk in front of the door and went to sleep. I even rolled up some packaging to act as a pillow and set the alarm on my phone to make sure I woke up by 3pm!

Isn't it amazing to get paid enough for a snooze to pay another weeks rent? Yeah, I'm a fucker.

The devious Samaritan

This guy comes back from a holiday in the Amazon jungle. He shows his wife a large frog. "What the hell is that?" the wife demands. "Oh, it's amazing, it's a frog that can give blowjobs!" he gleefully announces. "What am I supposed to do with it?" snaps the wife. "Teach it to cook and then fuck off" the man responds...

Sorry, it just appealed to my sense of humour.

Anyhoo, let me entertain bore you with a story about my day. As many of you know I've been working from home lots recently. I prefer this as:

a) The facilities are better

b) It doesn't require a long walk, a bus ride, and then another long walk to get there

c) Everyone here is witty and intelligent

d) I'm honestly more productive

There are only two buses per day to where I work. I can't understand why such a high profile company has moved to such a shit hole of a suburb. So anyways, I decided to work from home again and got started about 6am. About 9 I got an email asking if I could go in. Bah! A bus was out of the question so I decided I'd use my transport card to get a city kitty part of the way and then pay a taxi for the rest of the way.

A city kitty is a boat by the way. Some of you may be aware that Brisbane is also known as "The River City" and Translink utilise this by offering a great water taxi / catamaran service. Technically it's City Cat, but everyone in Aus refers to feline cats as kitties, and of course that rhymes with city. Hence I always know them as city kitty's.

I got the Kitty as far up the river as it goes and then I prepared to call a taxi to get the rest of the way. Then I realised I only had $15 in change in my pocket but I figured it wouldn't cost much more than that. But I hadn't eaten for a day and I figured I really should keep some money aside to buy something putrid from the food van that provides the only food at our HQ.

I came up with a cunning plan. I counted out $9 in change and stuck it in a side pocket of my rucksack. I spotted a taxi at the lights but he had a fair, so I just called the number on the side of his car and prayed for a happy driver. My prayer was answered! I chatted to the bloke and made him laugh. Then, when the meter reached $8 I said "SHIT! I've left my wallet at home! Hang on, I think I've got some money in this pocket..." and counted it up.

I told him I'd better stop at $9 and walk the rest of the way (Which I could have done btw, it would have only taken about 20 mins or so but it was SO hot). The plan worked perfectly: "Nah mate, you just sit tight and I'll take ya the rest of the way, it's not like we're busy today anyway..." Yay!

He took me right to the door of the office and I thanked him profusely. I went into the office and there was a temp sat at reception. I was struck by inspiration. Our company is very large and has very many visitors. We use taxis all the time, our front door is like a taxi rank sometimes. I boldly walked up to the temp and said "I've been meaning to ask for some time, can you update the corporate taxi number to XXXXXX pls? Thank you" and walked away. I thought no more of it.

I left the office about 3.30 this avo for the walk to the bus stop to catch the first of only two buses home. My taxi man was waiting outside. Apparently he'd been called to pick someone up - for about the 12th time that day! He said he was taking the guy to the city so he said he'd drop me home on the way. How nice was that?

I told him what I'd done of course and he said he'd kinda guessed I'd done something as he'd never been so busy! I warned him it would probably get changed back to the usual company but he doesn't mind. He just says he's happy he done a favour to a "good guy"!

I guess the moral is that "What goes around, comes around"? Have a great day peeps - try to do something good for someone and see what you get back.



Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Me vs Australia. Then the rest of the world except UK...

Right, lets try to get this sorted. What's this?








It's a SHALLOT

What are these?







No, they're SPRING ONIONS



Getting it yet? Try this






No, not a capsicum, a PEPPER

Now I'll piss off the largest section of my wonderful readers, have a go at this









I knew you'd get it wrong! They're not chips, they're CRISPS!

These are chips:







See the difference?!

Please don't try to argue with me - racially I invented the bloody language! Even if I do get shit from the poms now telling me I sound like an aussie bogan when I'm on the dog. How mixed up is that one?!

I love you really Australia!

Something else shocked me deeply today about aussie food and I still can't get my head around it, but a fact for you:

Almost 2/3 Mc Donalds around the world use Aussie beef for their burgers. Yes. Almost 66% of the Mc Donalds fans around the world are eating aussie cow. Shocker eh mate?


The Guardian

My heartfelt thanks must go to Bala Wala Shi and the link she sent me to The Guardian Notes and Queries web page. Basically the idea is that anyone can post a question and others are encouraged to provide answers. It contains some absolutely beaut stupid questions and even stupider answers. Example:

Q. Why are corned beef tins such peculiar shapes?

A. #1: They're not peculiar - they're the same shape as the corned beef inside.
Gavin, Cambridge

A. #2: THEY CONTINUE to be made in their traditional tapered rectangular shape because it is easier to extract the contents in one piece, thus allowing the block of corned beef to be sliced. That's also why the cans also employ a key that enables the user separate one end of the body of the can: there's no seam to prevent the contents slipping out. Originally, the cans were made by folding up folding tinplate sheet that produced the correct taper and soldering the seam. More recently this has been replaced with cans that are formed from welded cylinders, then reformed and expanded mechanically.
John Nutting, Editor, The Canmaker magazine, Crawley, West Sussex.

A. #3: To make them more difficult to open.
Alex, UK

A. #4: The tins are that shape so when you clean them out you can use them for perfect Yorkshire pudding tins. Try them - they work a treat.
Dug Priestley, Eastwood, Nottingham

What a hoot I've had reading this website! I just love the answer from John Nutting. What a thrilling guy he must be - Editor of Canmaker magazine. I bet he's the life and soul of any party eh?

And what about Dug? Yorkie tins?! Why don't you just go and buy a fucking Yorky tray like everyone else you spaz?! I'll send you the bloody 2 quid if you're really that tight. But you won't mind if I tippex out my address on a junk-mail envelope and staple it back shut will you? Envelopes are so expensive these days...