Radio ga ga, radio goo goo

I've always been a radio fan. I can't stand being in a silent room and I'm not much of a TV person. In the UK I used to listen to BBC Radio 1 most of the time. Here in Brisbane I listen to a station called Nova. Radio 1 is great because it doesn't have any commercials and the DJ's are pretty high quality. Just recently I've been listening to them live online lots too. I particularly like Chris Moyles (7am - 10am GMT), Jo whiley (10am - 1300) and even Scott Mills (4pm - 6.30?). You can click links on the site and listen to these shows if you miss them.

Anyhoo, Nova is also a very amusing station, and they are within site of my house so calling them local is a bit of an understatement. Although they are a commercial station they have a policy of no more than two ads in a row which makes it fine to listen to. And it's two of these ads / commercials I'd like to gibber about.

Here's the script to the first ad as closely as I can remember:
"As a smoker you have access to a variety of treatments. You can have your larynx removed and be fitted with an electronic voice box. Or you can request an oxygen tank to help you breath. Or you could try the new, painless, non invasive laser treatment from Matrix Laser Clinics. This quick procedure will turn you into a non-smoker in under an hour. Made up your mind? Good choice. Call Matrix Laser Clinics on 123456 or visit www......."

2nd ad:
"This advert is just 30 seconds long. Unfortunately some men can't last that long. If you have trouble getting an erection, arriving too quickly or find it tough to get it up then you should try Nasal Delivery Technology from AMI. This treatment can delay ejaculation and let you give it to her longer and for longer...."

Now. Where exactly do we start with these? I'm so curious I'm almost tempted to Google them. I mean, laser treatment to stop smoking? How the fuck? Do they burn you so bad that the smell of smoke will make you run screaming in future? Or do they fuse your lips together with a laser and fit a drip for nutrition?

And Advanced Nasal Technology. What's that? What exactly do they stuff up your nose to make your cock bigger? Is it simply an agency that specialises in making men snort Viagra? How does it stop you "arriving to early"? Do you have to stop while you're on the job to find a biro and snort more stuff of your chicks back? I'm sure she'd love that. "Back in a second dear, just gotta find a pen. Now, where did I put that BIC? Bloody hell, I only stole it today...."

Colour me confused...