I wasn't going to post but I'm feeling corny...

The ever wonderful Mr VUBOQ sent me a gift and it arrived today! Well, it arrived yesterday but we only got a note in our mail box then informing us. TT went and collected it this morning and when I opened it she turned into the happiest girl in Brisbane.
Not only had he sent her favourite peanut butter m&m's but also dark chocolate ones, which she also loves and I don't think they sell in Aus.

For me he included three packets of "Jiffy corn muffin mix" Hence me being so corny. I can't wait to try it out. The box includes several reciped ideas plus a website for more. I'm going to be corned out by the weekend.

Except no! That's the other thing I wanted to share. I'm going on another blogger meet up! It's Helens birthday and she kindly invited us to join her for a birthday dinner.

We're still discussing arrangments at the moment, because we don't yet have our own transport and it's a bit of a distance to get to. But we really want to go and I'm sure we will, even if we have to leave early to get back home. H kindly offered to let us stay the night but as we both have work the following morning it can't really happen. Shame.

But anyway, the gist of this post was thanks Mr Vuboq and thanks Helen. I've had a day very influenced by people that were completely unknown to me 6 months ago! It's an odd feeling but there we go. I wonder if this internet thing is finally catching on....(!)

Oh, and final thing (I promise), I just broke the security gate. Not on purpose of course, I was just bringing the bin in and the gate sort of fell off. I tried to fix it and it fell off some more. I've tried to hide it in my rainforest so that they don't accuse me of breaking it. If they can't find the body then there's been no murder of the self-locking gate. I didn't do it.

Under cover of darkness tomorrow night I'll recover it from my rainforest and lean it against ex-dead-now-malaria-neighbours door to make him look guilty. That'll work...wont it?

The Big Watery Thing

I forgot to tell you all about this. Just an example of why TT and I are such a good match for one another.

Picture the scene. It was my first day of work and in my usual uncoordinated manner I was rushing around trying to:

- iron a shirt [bastard iron! You're supposed to smooth it out, not crease the fucker!]
- feed parrot his brekkie [Screechy bastard! I'll get you some more banana in a minute you greedy sod!]

- cook TT her brekkie [Honey on that dear?]
- read the job requirement sheet to find out what I would be doing in my new post [You want me to work safely and courteously? Fuck off...]
- (and most importantly) trying to use the excellent Queensland Transport website to work out how the hell I was going to get to my first day of work. [Nothing like being organised is there?]

(I am the friend of chaos. I dislike organisation and routine. I obey the laws of thermodynamics faithfully. Jeez, you can tell I'm working again, I'm getting all sciency and nerdy.)

Anyhoos, QLD translink website is brill. It must have a really extensive database because you can type in your house number and it knows the nearest stop, best route and everything.

It chose a route for me which involved changing buses after the Victoria Bridge. "TT!" I shouted while chucking parrot food all over my newly ironed shirt - "Where the hell is the Victoria Bridge?!". I smelt burning toast and legged it through to the kitchen. Then realised it was burning carpet because the iron had fell over.

She was calmly brushing her hair looking at my laptop screen as I flapped and panicked trying to get everything done at the same time. The phone rang and I tipped coffee all over myself by trying to answer it with the wrong hand. I also managed to cut myself shaving so I was trying to hold a piece of tissue in place with my lips when I answered the phone - just as well it was a wrong number as they heard my muffled swearing through tissue at scolding pain in my chest from hot coffee.

TT calmly munched her toast and told me it was the one at the end of XX street. "Where's that?" I ask. She turned to me and said "Jay, there's only one bridge on your bus route - and it goes over Brisbane river. So when you notice your bus is on a big concrete thing over a big watery thing, that means you're on it. Press the dingly dingy thing there my love..."

I love my TT! She's the only person that would ever except the varied extremes of my personality. "Big wartey fing - do she fink I are stoopid?"

Bus journey home

This is slightly surreal. I'm typing this on a bus. I'm on my way home from work. I've never used my laptop on a bus before, long train journeys yes, but buses, no. I guess it's because I don't use them often and when I do it's normally just for a five minute journey.

However, now that I'm beginning to settle into this new job and the journey it involves I know I've got at least half hour ahead of me so I may as well use it productively. As if writing this drivel could ever be called productive!

I've only been on the bus five minutes and already three strange things have happened.

a) There is a guy at the end of the bus (I'm right behind the driver) with a very vocal child. It's only a toddler, and it's obviously just discovering the fundamentals of speech. It's shouting (not screaming) "la la la la la la la da da da da da la la ma ma ma..." as loudly as possible and the bloke is a bit drunk and just yelling louder and louder into his mobile phone to be heard over the child. He's arranging to meet his mate down the pub. Great parenting eh? Even childless me can tell the kid needs attention but is used to being ignored.

b) A bloke with crutches staggered down the bus at the last stop to get off. Then he came acrocker because some twat had left [the kid is now making very good duck quacking noises!] their bags of shopping all over the centre aisle. As I was about to rush to help, because the bag owner was staring obliviously out of the window, he just changed his mind about being a cripple, tucked the crutches horizontally under his arm, stepped over the bags with ease and walked the rest of the way down the aisle at speed. I can only guess he's a professional beggar and he was doing a warm up on the bus. Don't you hate bastards like that?

c) At the next stop a couple of kids had waved the bus to stop. When it did they didn't get up from the bench. The bus driver opened the door and yelled "Are you getting on or not?" and one of them casually replied "Yeah, but we're just waiting for our friend. He won't be long". The driver explained he couldn't wait, so the kid got out a mobile and said "Let me just call him and see where he is" (still without getting up from the bus stop seat!) The driver said he wouldn't wait any longer so the kids grumbled and slowly ambled onto the bus. Do they think it's their own personal bloody taxi service or what?!

Ah, public transport, gotta love it. I've got a few more stories about things that have happened recently involving the buses and trains, but I'll type them up sometime and use them for filler when I don't have time to post poperly. If I'd had a few pre-prepared then I wouldn't have neglected you all for so long recently. In my defense, it has been a busy time.

PS. Lol, we've been stopped at these lights so long my virus checker has found a wireless connection and started dowloading!

Woman logic

TT: I'm hungry

Me: "No worries, I'll cook you something, what do you fancy? Stiffado? Irish Stew? Lasagne?"

TT: "Nah, they all take ages."

Me: "Ok, how about rissotto? Or a quick curry?"

TT: "No, I don't want you to cook, you've been busy"

Me: "How about we go out for something then?"

TT: "Where?"

Me: "Well, there's that Indian we've been meaning to try, there's the Brazilian place we love, there's the restaurant at the end of the road that does everything"

TT: "Hmmm. I don't fancy going out"

Me: "Right. I'll get our pile of take out menus...Let's see, Chinese, pizza, Thai, Indian, kebabs, fish and chips, Mongolian, burgers..."

TT: "But I want you to stay here with me"

Me: [Gnnagh!!] "Ok. No probs....right, these ones do delivery"

TT: "They'll take ages and they'll probably not be able to find us. And you have to spend a minimum amount for delivery"

Me: "Oh bloody hell! I give up!"

TT: "Don't be cross with me, I'm hungry...."

We didn't argue about it or anything, but I did feel pretty exasperated by it. I wonder what else I could have possibly suggested to resolve the problem. The only thing I didn't say is the one thing that probably would have led to arguments: "Well get up and find yourself something to bloody eat then!"

My very first whinge about new job. Well, wanker manager actually...

I really didn't want to bore you with this shit, but I must just share a couple of things.

The job is great. Very easy. Biggest problem is that my manager (yey! At last, I have a manager!) is a twat.

I suppose that's a good thing, because all managers are supposed to be twats. But having been the big manager for a few years I now realise that most managerial twattiness is not deliberate. I couldn't help being late for meetings, I couldn't help moving the goal posts, those both really classic annoying things, but I only done them when I'd had countless sleepness nights weighing up other options. Almost never for personal amusement. Unless the member of staff had been taking the piss by dragging out a head ache to take a week off, or something like that. Just as an example.

The reasons my manager is a twat (And I'm really chuffed at finally having my own manager to moan about!) are:

a) He can't speak English.
b) He knows almost nothing about database.
c) He turns up late for no reason

Lets look at these in more detail:

a) I'm NOT a racist, but it's long been my view that a minimum requirement for working in an English speaking country is an ability to speak the fucking language. It's so controversial I'm almost sorry about my own opinion on this one, but it really pisses me off when on the London Underground I go and try to ask a non-British employee whether I need the east or west bound line and they just look at me and shrug because they don't speak a word of English? At least make an effort guys? That would please me immensely rather than you just turning your back.

I suppose if I told them I'd just seen a man with a bomb, where is the nearest phone? - mobiles don't work in lots of stations - he would 80% most likely shrug and turn his back on me. This is honestly not a racist thing. I worked in France for a bit as a bartender once, and although I was good at my job I couldn't, at the time, speak the language 100% fluently. The locals wanted to chat with the barman, and I couldn't do it, so I quit. I couldn't speak the language - I didn't feel I could provide the service. Maybe I'm odd.


b) When I took on the contract I knew the specification requirements of the database - the rest of the team must have written them after months of trying to comprehend the wailing and exaggerated arm movements...

I designed it within one day and when I presented my plans to the rest of the team they whooped and applauded. My design addressed all the problems they'd been struggling with and was the perfect (and very simple) solution.

You could see that most of them were thinking "Why didn't we think of that?!" I know why pals....You had some twat gibbering non-english in your ear why flapping his arms around. He left me alone for the first day, and that's all it took!

Anyhoo, he came in towards the end of the meeting and made the whole team depressed by saying he wanted it done another way. I wont bore you with details but suffice to say I belittled him with statements such as "Your method would require storing 180000 records per month. Mine would store between 100 and 150. I don't quite understand why you want to do it that(your!) way?"

I'm the fucking expert being paid silly money to go in and sort out their problems! I was doing my job, very successfully until twat-face stuck his oar in and started flapping his arms and saying "I want SIMPLE! SIMPLE!" Well done dick face.

Luckily I remembered that I'm in a contract position, it's not my own company I'm dealing with. The customers aren't mine. I don't care! So I deleted the work I'd done and quite happily got on with doing it the way he wanted.

They've allocated two weeks for this task and I'm done. But don't tell them please. I've downloaded a load of ebooks I want to read.

c) Yeah, I know I said "when I was a manager I was always late....", but that was because I was dealing with customers and stuff. This guy actually has dealings with no one else. He just thinks because he's a manager he has a duty to be late, and that's the sort of manager that annoys me. He's a wannabe manager. He's flapped his arms and shouted gibber until they've given him a position and now he just does it to retain it.

I'm done now. As you can tell, I'm very happy in my new position. And yes, I am being honest! I love having someone to moan about - and it's good being well over $1000 richer after two days work. That's why I figured it wasn't worth having a heart attack over this guys incompetence.

It's not my problem, I'm probably earning more money than him, but I'm only paid to design database, not argue with wankers. That would require higher pay because I'm even better at that!

On a totally different note - couple of quick useless titbits of info:

- It's hot here. Who'd believe that Australia would be hot eh?

- TT is ill again. I think there must be a problem with her immune system or her job is really getting her down.

- The bus driver home tonight was a schizo. He loved some passengers, he hated others. Seemingly at random. I tried to spot a pattern but couldn't. He loved me though, which is suprising.

- Because of a slight hiccup in my visa process I have to leave Australia. I'm able to return immediately, but I have to leave within the next fortnight. So I'm going to have to fly to New Zealand, get passport stamped and then fly back. What a waste of a day eh?

- Our very own broadband has been delayed. There was a problem with the line and our exchange and they've got to send an engineer out to fix it on Monday. Soon my people, soon....

Have a great weekend y'all!

From Jay - the newly employed

This has been due to:

a) New job.

b) Getting pissed to celebrate new job.

c) Lack of internet access. The owner of the wireless router moved out.

d) Being held in a detention centre over night subsequent to assaulting a senior staff member of X Insurance

Fortunately,

a) The first day was today and it went fantastically well. I've got to slow down though, otherwise the contract won't last me until the South American tour and as I'm on an hourly rate it's in my own interest to work slowly.

b) I went out to sign contract with new boss last night and got him utterly pissed. Good to have something like that under your belt before you even start. He looked so ill this morning. I laughed lots. He was so pissed after two hours he gave me his credit card, told me the PIN and asked me to go and pay. Lol. TT wasn't impressed with me though. Can't imagine why...

c) We've ordered our very own broadband tonight. Can't handle lack of access / slow access anymore!

d) Only joking. I called TT and told her that I was about to have words with her supervisor. She told me just as he got out of the elevator that he's about to go on holiday for three weeks! She thinks she can handle working there for that long without him being a prick to her, and that will enable her to use the perk of half price insurance when I get a car during the next week or two. So I agreed to hold off until then. Looking forward to it though.

In other news VUBOQ has sent me an email telling me he's posted me some goodies from US. Including some of TT's favourite candy. I've promised to send him in return something tacky and Australian. He collects tacky tourist stuff apparently. Crocodile tooth perhaps? A T-shirt with the caption: "My friend went to Australia and all I got was this shitty T-Shirt"?

Queen St Mall has several touristy shops so I'm planning on going there. I've already got a good idea similar to above, but at least it will be made in Aus rather than printed in China.

Got to go now, had early start and got another tomorrow.

Oh, busy times....

Well, where do I begin?

Today I got offered three jobs. Yep. All in one day. After weeks of rejecting mundane shite my efforts finally came to fruition. The three most favourite applications all offered on the same day.

a) The stupidly-well-payed one finally sent me a contract, I only have to go to their office (just around the corner) and sign it.

b) The dream job, that has a "required skills list" mirroring my resume have sent me an offer.

c) The one that I had to do an intelligence test for also sent me an offer following a face-to-face interview this morning.

By the way, I got the highest score they've had in 5 months on the intelligence test!

The middle one, the dream job, I had my final interview for yesterday. I had to do a "technical test" where they gave me a database and I had to make some modifications for it. The average time to complete the test is 45mins with a 50/50 pass/failure rate. I done it in 8 minutes then started writing a document highlighting the flaws in their db design.

I'm such a fucking nerd.

The guy came in after 15mins and this happened:

Bloke: "Ah. I see you're busy at it! I forgot to offer you a glass of water. How's it going?"

Me: "It's done, I'm just compiling as list of bugs in the database you gave me to work with."

Bloke: "That was written by our senior database engineer, I doubt it has any bugs!"

Me: "I've found three fatal ones already"

Bloke: "I really think you should concentrate on the task rather than looking for flaws"

Me: "I've done it. And I done the bit for bonus points too"

Bloke: "No, I think you should re-read the problem. Around half the people that perform this test fail it. The fastest completion time we've ever had is 20 minutes"

Me: "It's done. I've tested it too. It only took me 8 minutes because I'm not used to an Aussie keyboard. If I'd had my own computer I reckon I could have done it in 5"

Bloke: "You're serious aren't you?"

Me: "Yup"

Bloke: "Jeez! I think we've found our guy! I just need to get one of our technical people to check your work but they're all at lunch at the moment. It normally takes longer you see?"

Me: "It's ok, I'm happy to wait. Try and get the senior guy that wrote this - I'd like to hear him explain these bugs I've found...."

He left the room looking rather shocked and I nearly pissed myself laughing. As I said, it's a dream job to me, it's what I've done for the last 12 years and although it's very nerdy I'm good at it and I find it very easy.

He came back with the super nerd about 10 minutes later by which time I'd found another two fatal flaws in their database.

All in all it went very well and they pretty much gave away that they'd made their decision before I left the room. I called the UK with my potential happy news last night. About 11 this morning I got the confirmation.

It's not so well paid as the stupidly well paid job, but it's a seven figure salary and it's doing something I enjoy. They're also about to move offices so they'll be about a 4 minute walk from my house. That's an important factor - I do also enjoy laying in bed.

I've just sent an email to the intelligence test people (c) and told them I didn't find todays interview stimulating enough. This is a downright lie but it makes me laugh and that's all that's important.

Even more amusing is what's about to happen. I'm now going to TT's work place and I'm going to ask to speak to her supervisor. She doesn't need that job anymore....

Finally! A chance to rant and rave...

Sorry for lack of posts recently. And even now, I've only got a little time because it's Friday avo and I'm going to meet TT from work shortly so that we can indulge in the tradition known as "Getting pissed on a Friday avo"

On a positive note, I've got home Internet back! I've even sussed why we keep losing it. The neighbour we steal our connection from is a complete spaz. Instead of letting the router do the sharing he's got a desktop PC with wireless card and he's enabled connection sharing from that and not the router. So when he turns his desktop PC off I lose internet connection! It also explains why it's so slow. Unfortunately, short of breaking into his house and correctly configuring his setup there's nothing I can do about it. Little does he know I'd usually charge money for such a thing but in this instance I'd gladly do it free of charge.
Anyhoo. Well, the things I have to tell you about:

1) Today I saw a lady bum (female tramp) and she was rooting around in bins and putting stuff into either her trolley, bag, or mouth - depending on the size/nature of the "goodies" she found. Nothing unusual about that huh? But this one was funny - she was wearing yellow rubber gloves to do her rummaging! Honestly, she was eating from peoples garbage but she had the sense of hygiene to wear rubber gloves while doing so! I chuckled all the way down the street. I was tempted to take a photo, but I decided it would be an invasion of privacy. She obviously has some semblance of dignity remaining.

2) TT has been telling me for some time that her place of work have a terrible database. Apparently lots of the data in it is incorrect or out of date. She mentioned this in her last employee review and they said she was talking crap. That's nice of them eh?

So, for the last week she's made a note of inaccuracies and then fixed them. She then sent a long list of the things she'd found and fixed to her supervisor. The supervisor called her in for a "meeting" today and told her that she should spend less time examining the database and more time on the phone.

She explained that she'd only corrected mistakes she found as a result of phone calls - Eg. Mr Smith had called and mentioned that he lived in X town, yet the database said Y town. The supervisor told her to leave it alone in future!

If I ever got myself a job like hers I'd poke the supervisor in the eye and say "I'm now off to not update the database to record that you're now visually impaired..." In fact I think I'll go and find the supervisor and do it myself. No twat speaks to my TT like that.

3) When I was last in Aus I opened a bank account with Westpac. I then went back to the UK to sort some stuff there. Since I then spent longer in the UK than I expected, they closed it. I'm not angry or surprised at them for doing it, but today I went in to re-open it. I was treated to the services of the lovely "Ninny". Seriously, that was her name.

Ninny is shit at her job. She didn't have a clue what she was doing. After entering my details she pressed a button and called up all the personal information of someone with the same name as me - on the screen in front of me. Rather than move the screen she just started reading it out aloud. I politely looked the other way (to respect the stranger privacy) and said "That's not me"

She said "I know, but look how deep in debt he is! And he only lives four houses away from you!" Nice customer privacy Ninny!

She couldn't find my details (no surprise given her lack of computer skills and insistently on pressing the right mouse button instead of the left one and muttering "bloody computers, never work properly...") She then entered my details and instead of pressing "OK" she pressed the "Add Customer" button. A blank record popped up. "Bloody computers..." she muttered and took all my details again.

On the fourth occasion I was getting really bored and pointed out that all the previous windows were on the task bar at the bottom of the screen. I don't like telling people how to do their job, but this was painful. She looked at me and said "I need to call a supervisor and tell them this computer is broken"

I pointed out that it wasn't broken (tempted to add "But you are") and that she only needed to click on one of the tabs in the task bar. She responded coldly "It is broken. I'm calling Jack". Jack turned up, took one look at her screen and said "Jeez Nilly! How many accounts are you trying to open for Jay?!" He then turned to me and said "Do you have multiple personalities or should we just add you to the system once?!" and winked - he either fancied me or he'd seen my occupation as being computer related and realised from the pained expression on my face that I could see what was going on.

He had my account opened and the paperwork in my hands within about 30 seconds. And he used the "broken" computer of course.

I've run out of time now, so I'll do the intelligence test thing later tonight. Have a good weekend everyone, and don't forget to indulge in the "Getting pissed on a Friday avo" thing. It's almost as much fun as Vuboqs "Meat free Mondays"!!!

I had to do an intelligence test!

And although I always thought I was brighter than a spright that had a tinge of phosphoruous it appears I was wrong. Yes Tubs, the plan failed...

I am less intelligent than a common toad. I am worthless?

In fact, I was going to post two of the questions but I don't think I'll bother now. I can't stand the mocking.

Actually, I behold a cunning plan of my own! I'll give you the link in under 24 hours and you can sample part of my torture! I'll show you 5 questions out of the 51. How's that for a challenge?!


Here's one for now:

Consider the words:

torrent

downfall

drenched

deluged

waterfall

soaked

flooded

Four word belong, which two dont? 20 seconds, remember?

Double take

Double takeJust a quick note to let you know I've updated the historical bit. I've now covered our first trip to Germany. If you're interested the posts are:


Germany is still good. And I'm worrying about losing TT

A day in Hanover

Germany Guess what happened in Germany?

Genesis - I can't dance...

TT has signed us up for a latin dance class. Oh. My. God.

In the words of Peter Gabriel "I can't dance".

I've got a black belt in Kung Fu, so I'm not worried about performing the moves or learning the routines, but the big problem is that I have no sense of rythym. I have two left feet as far as that is concerned.

We've tried to practice tonight to Lambada and tt now has bruises all over her feet from where I've stomped on her.

We're going on a tour of South America early next year so perhaps it'll come in useful there?

I can't get the madonna song out of my head now. We danced to that too - "La isla Bonita". I lost an argument over it too. I was sure it was called "Spanish Lullaby" but it's not. Bah.

On a plus note, it does involve me rubbing my boy bits against her girl bits. That's always nice :) Don't know what the other people in the class will think when I get an obvious "arousal" though...

Can you tell I'm slightly pissed? Love y'all

Stupid bloody cheese graters...

Can someone explain to me why manufacturers of cheese graters don't make them from stainless steel? I thought every kitchen utensil nowadays was easy to clean and rust proof. Not so with cheese graters it would seem. You know the sort I mean. The square ones. That brings me to another point. The four sides.

One side is designed for grating cheese, another side it designed for slicing stuff and the other two sides, although designed for some purpose, are useless. Has anyone actually found a use for the two sides that are impossible to clean and useless for any form of culinary function? All they ever do is snag the dish cloth (I do my washing up manually, I hate dishwashers because of their lack of attention to detail) and the towel while drying.

But, my real annoyance is the fact that our grater - identical to ones I've owned in the UK and US, so this is a global problem - is impossible to keep rust free. At least in Aus the weather helps. Whenever I've washed the bastard here I immediately take it outsine to be rapidly dried in strong sunshine rather than snagging my tea towel over it and leaving bits of cotton on its useless rusty bits.

But I'd still like to know:

a) What are the useless sides supposed to do?

b) How can you keep the whole thing rust free?

c) How do you dry them without shredding your towel and leaving cotton all over the damn device?

Cheese graters. Bastards. I hate them. But they're easier than cutting cheese into very small pieces with a kinfe - I'll give them that. Grudgingly.

Two days of my busy week - more to come...

I'm sorry for hardly updating this week. I've been quite busy. Remember this interview? Well. Let us begin:

Thursday
Early on Thursday morning (about 6.30am) the home phone rang. It was our kid from the telephone interview. He said that he'd arranged a face to face interview with a project leader here in Brisbane. I told him that I wasn't overly interested in the position as it sounded quite dull.

I went back to bed.

7.30am the phone rings again.

Him: "Hello again Jay! You sound brighter and breezier now!"
Me: "Well, since you woke me up an hour ago I've been unable to get back to sleep - strange that, eh?"
Him: "I woke you up before?! I thought you were a morning person?"
Me: "I'm anything but a morning person. Especially at 6.30am. And although I'm much more awake now I'm still not keen on sitting on the lounge floor naked talking on the phone...."
Him: "It was 6.30? No, it was 7.30!"
Me: "Mate, it's 7.30 now. Believe me"
Him: "Oh my God! I'm so sorry! I'm really bad at time differences!"
Me: "I know - you were a day early last time. But please - [I could tell by his exaggerated friendliness/chattiness that he wanted something from me] - before one of us dies of old age, could you tell me why you've got me out of bed for a second time?
Him: "Yes, sorry Jay, I should have made that clear in the first instance - we've got an improved offer. We can offer you $80k per year for the Brisbane position. Is that more appealing?"
Me: [Genuinly] "Hmm. Yes. That's more realistic to be honest. I'd prefer more money and a more interesting job, but I am interested enough to go the face to face interview, where and when?"
Him: "Today. 12 noon, any place within Brisbane that suits you."
Me: [thinks: They are desperate!]

We arranged a place and I went to the interview. It went super. I liked the woman interviewing me, I liked the job she described, we got on very well. She also mentioned that they also had three other positions, any of which I could fulfil. Then it went tragic:

Her: "The position I think you'd be best suited for is in Port Macquarie. Is that OK?"
Me: "I've no idea where that is"
Her: "Oh, it's here in Queensland"
Me: [laughs - I like someone that can try and bluff me] "Miss, I've flown from one end of QLD to the other and it took about four hours. Telling me it's 'here in QLD' isn't narrowing things down much!"
Her: [laughs too] "I knew you'd say something like that! It's actually between here and Sydney"
Me: "That only narrows it down a bit - Sydney is about an hour and a half flight from here!"
Her: "It's a lovely place...."
Me: "You mean it's a shit hole and it's miles away don't you?"
Her: "We'll raise the salary?"
Me: "You're being so vague I'm almost certain I don't want the job."
Her: "I'm going to just send back to head office that we hire you. I don't know what the position will be, but I think we need you! Oh, this interview has only been 40 minutes, it was supposed to be an hour. What have we missed?"
Me: "We've not missed anything, it just takes less time when you've got the perfect applicant"

Yeah, I kiss arse [subtly] when there's something I'm after.

So. I left. Half an hour later I got a call from our kid again, their "recruitment officer". He said he had received a glowing report for woman above and that I should be hired for the Port Macquarie position. He asked whether we'd discussed salary. I said we hadn't (cos it was true). He said that we'd briefly discussed $80k. I decided to push my luck...

Me: "But that was a bare minimum mate, to go to the interview. Having spoken about the job I think I'd need more."
Him: "Umm. How much more?"
Me: "Do you think I'm daft? Tell me your best offer and I'll consider it"
Him: "Well, I need to get clearance from the big man on larger salaries so it'll probably have to wait until Monday"
Me: "No worries."
Him: "So, are you going to commute to Port Macqarie or rellocate?"
Me: "I'm still on my way home, I don't even know where Port Macquarie is! Is it commutable?"
Him: "Er. Well, yeah. Sort of. You'd have to fly to Sydney and the get a jump to there...."
Me: "FLY TO SYDNEY EVERY DAY?! AND THEN BACK OUT?!"
Him: "The company would pay for it...."
Me: "MY TIME IS WORTH MORE THAN 4 HOURS A DAY ON A PLANE! I'M NOT DOING THAT!!!"
Him: "Umm. OK. We'll look at relocation then. What sort of house would you like us to rent you? How many children do you have?"
Me: "This is madness. I don't want the job. I've only just moved 10000 miles around the world to be with my girl. I'm not moving again. Bye"

Two hours later:

Phone rings.

Caller: "Hi! I'm Sarah from Port Macquarie x software! I understand you'll be joing us on Monday!"
Me: "No, sorry Sarah, no offence to yourself but I turned down the job"

Half an hour later:

Phone rings.

Caller: "Hi! This is Michelle from x real estates. Are you Jay?"
Me: "Um. Yeah?"
Michelle: "Great! Well, we've been asked by x software to find you accommodation in Port Macquarie! What kind of property are you looking for?"
Me: "I'm sorry Michelle, but I told x software that I didn't want the job. Sorry they wasted your time. And mine..."

How difficult can it be to reject a job????!


Friday
The phone rings at 10am. "Hmm. A reasonable hour" I think, "It can't possibly be x software again...." I was wrong.

Him: "Hi Jay! Grest news! We've got another offer for you!"
Me: "I'm not moving to Port fucking Macquarie. I've even looked it up on the internet since and it looks like a shit hole."
Him: "Nope, we're managed to find someone else in our Brisbane office so you'd be required to replace them."

He then went on to explain that the new job would involve managing a team here in Brisbane and pay a stupid amount of money. $4200 per week - isn't that fucking ridiculous for such a simple position? And this is after I've insulted them and tried to reject jobs from them for the last week?! This was the point were I made the last post.

I had the telephone interview and as I suspected, there was a catch. One of the technologies they view as essential I don't possess. I may be a computer nerd, but I'm not over 50 and therefore I don't know Unix. That's essential to them. I don't know how they overlooked it but somehow they did.

I'm now resolved I wont get the job although they're not going to officially "Yes or No" until Monday morning I've continued to apply for other positions since. The money would be great, but the job, in honesty, wasn't that great.

The biggest thing this little incident has taught me is "I'm worth lots. Especially if I act as myself rather than bowing down to bitches. I'm desirable..."

Well, sorry for boring you all with this shit, I supposed I could have summarised it as "I've had a good offer, but it's still pending", but that wouldn't be much of a post would it?

Something amazing just happened

Just a quicky cos I've got no time
I just got an improved job offer. It's from these people! It's pending one final tele interview this avo, but if I get it I can work for a bit and then retire again! They've offered a 6 month contract, working 40 hours per week at $105 per hour. Fuck yes! $4200 per week? Hmmm, I could scrape by on that... And it's Brisbane based, no Port Macquarie for me! I'll explain all later. Looking forward to interview. I think I may have to be serious this time...

loads of bollocks about dangerous things and neighbours

On my other blog a friend in the UK left a comment asking whether it was true that virtually all wildlife was dangerous in Australia. Well, to put it bluntly, Fuck Yeah! There are all manner of poisonous spiders and snakes. And if you decide to resort to the sea to escape those venomous nasties then be prepared for a different barrage of assault. Rather than being poisoned, your options expand into:

- being stung by a jellyfish
- being nipped by a crab
or
- having your leg bitten off by a shark.

"Ahh!", you say, "...but I'll just paddle instead of swimming, - no sharks gets me!"

Well, I'm a nice person so I'll come and visit you in hospital. It's just been on the news that a bloke got his foot almost severed in a shark attack in just 30cm of water. That's bloody madness isn't it?

Anyhoo, I'm digressing as per usual. Stories of sharks, spiders and snakes are synonymous with Australia so I wont bore you with them. The thing I really wanted to tell you was that this place is so aggressive that even the trees attack you. Yup. The trees. Here's some photos.

[sorry, couldn't find one on the street to take a picture of. Check back if you're really that interested, but honestly, they just look like a dried date]

This is what I call a "Date-stone". I've no idea what it's really called, but to me it looks like a date (as in the fruit thing) and it feels and weighs about the same as a stone. It's rock hard and heavy. And they fall from trees all the time. But generally only as I'm walking under them. If you kick the ones laying on the pavement there's every chance they'll hit a nearby parked car, and dent/scratch the paintwork. Or so I've heard. Honest. I don't kick them anymore...



Now, what the hell is that?! It landed on my head while I was sat out on our patio Friday night. I couldn't believe it. Luckily it hit me at an angle so it just grazed my neck and dazed me. If it had been a full-on blow I'd have been concussed. I've put my foot next to it so you can guesstimate the size of it.




It's bloody colossal and it's made of solid heavy wood! (As tree products generally are). But what the hell is it? The next morning as soon as it was light, I was outside looking for the offending tree. I'd like to say I had an axe in my hand but alas, I didn't. I'd have to cut down the bastard with the saw attachment of my Swiss army knife. (Or would a bread knife be more effective?) None of the trees had a look of guilt or fear so I spared them.....this time.






These are funny. Well, they're not, they're bloody dangerous. Again, I've no idea what they are, but they fall from trees. Those spikey bits are sharp enough to draw blood and they're well 'ard. They are harder than Arnold Schwarznegger. Fossilized cactus would have nothing on these bastards.

The one in the picture is about 1 foot long (approx 30cm) but they seem to come in all sizes, up to this limit. So lots of the bastards are little and easy to stand on when they're lurking in the grass.

The reason I said they're funny is because of where I took this picture - in a childrens play park. Some park designer, that obviously hates kids, has planted them all over the park. The ground is littered with spikey things. Imagine that, when little Jonny falls of the swing, or just falls in general - as kids do.

I know I'm sounding evil for saying it's funny but I'm not. I don't want kids to get impaled on fossilized cactus things - but I can't help sniggering at this mental image I have of a "child-hating park-designer". I suspect that his initial design had some crocodiles in the pond, an electrified fence all round and spikes at the bottom of the slide. When his plan was rejected he probably thought, "Bah! Humbug!.....Aaah! I have a cunning plan!" and just added some extra trees to his design with a glint in his eye. Then he probably ate a puppy or something.
Neighbours - everybody needs good neighbours....

Remember me telling you about our bastard neighbour? Click here to read about it if not. Well, shortly after writing that post I actually went to meet him. I was sat outside on our patio and I could hear that he was pissed and talking loudly on his phone outside. For some reason I felt the urge to go and try to set up a civil relationship with our immediate neighbour. I don't like conflict, so having had a beer or two myself I decided that would be a decent plan.

I wandered over to his patio and he regarded me suspiciously - as he should after his previous rudeness to me. He then grunted "so you're the guy that shares the car park yeah?". I replied that he was correct. He offered me a cigarette and I accepted and then we actually managed to start a civil conversation. The biggest let down for me was right at the start when he said "I work in oil..." (I got quite excited because I've been all over the world working for oilfield clients and know lots about this subject) but then he followed it up with "...massage oils, essential skin oils, and other beauty products"

I was amazed. He was (with respect) the fattest, ugliest bastard I'd seen since arriving here. The only oil he seemed to have was teenage acne type oil (despite being around 40), oozing from every pore. I guess his company don't give staff free treatments. After a few minutes he relaxed totally and fetched me a glass of wine and then started to tell me every boring detail of his job and invited me out with him the following weekend. "Um - we'll see. Come and knock on the door and if I'm in I'll come out with you" was my response. I made a mental note - "Must tell TT that we've got to go out for meal next Saturday - all evening!". He then told me that he was flying to NZ the following morning and would be back in two days.

Guess what?

Well, that was 7 weeks and 2 days ago. Not been seen since. His car is still here (luckily he parked it in his own spot before leaving, rather than across the two spaces) but there has been no sign of him. I suspect that he's dead in his apartment or something. The other neighbours say that until that night he was outside talking on his phone every night. Should I call the police or something? Or should I nick his car and sell it first?

Since then I've introduced my self to the other two neighbours. The one next door to the presumed-dead oil man is Naomi. She's cool. She's about 30 and lives alone. She often shouts hello to me and invites me over for beer. The one next door to her is Jason and he is again, about 30 and lives with his partner (don't know her name) and a new born sprog (Don't know it's name either) Although I've not spoken to him much Jason is also definitely ok, he fetches everyone's bin in from the street on Wednesday mornings. I like it when people perform random acts of kindness like that.

The only problem with Naomi is that at the tender age of 30 she seems to have bronchitis or lung cancer. Every morning she can be heard coughing her guts up, sometimes to the extent of making retching sounds. I've not mentioned it to her of course, but I really think she should see a doctor. I sometimes cough like that but it's generally after a really long session in a really smoke atmosphere. She seems to do it every morning but she's ok in the evenings.

I'll tell you something funny that happened yesterday. I was sat here about this time reading a book and wishing my internet access was working. Suddenly a kid appeared on my patio. He was one of about 12 visiting Naomi. Well, although it sounded like 12 I could only actually see evidence of 3 running around in our shared yard area. But anyhoo, this kid appears, about 6 yrs old I'd guess (I later found out his name was Tyler) and this conversation ensued:

Tyler: "Hello Mister!"

Me: "Hi mate, what's up?"

Tyler: "Do you have a boy?"

Me: [little bewildered] "Er, a boy? Er, what do you mean?"

Tyler: "I want a boy to play with, I don't like playing with girls."

Me: "Oh! I see! Well, I'm a boy if you want to kick around a soccer ball or something?" [see, I can be nice to children]

Tyler: "You're not a boy! You're a dad! And you've got about half grey hair so you must be
nearly a grandad!"

Me: [thinks - go play in the park over the road sunshine, and make sure your shoe laces are undone...]

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. TT pissed herself laughing when I told her about it later. She says the kid was right, I do look old enough to be a grandad. Thanks my love! Kids and partners. Who'd have any of them eh? It's not my fault my hair started going grey when I was about 15. I think it gives me a distinguished look - that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Sorry for lack of post over the last few days, connection has been down. As you can tell though, I'm making up for it! Have a good Tuesday y'all....

Interview the second

This was another job I didn't think I wanted: The guy sends me an email offering me a telephone interview on Thursday morning, 7.30 am.

[7. 25 am Wednesday morning]
Phone rings
Me: [yawning and grumbling out of bed, all the way to the phone] "Uh, hello?"

Bloke: "Hi! This is Paul! Could I speak to Jay please?"

Me: [not happy, still not awake] "Speaking."

Bloke: "I'm calling from x software. We arranged this tele-interview via email? I'm sorry I'm five minutes early calling you, you sound a bit surprised?"

Me: "Yeah, I am. You're not five minutes early, you're a day and 5 minutes early!"

Bloke: "But I'm sure.....Oh my God....Sorry Jay, I really must apologise. I don't know how that happened. Sorry"

Me: "It's ok. I look forward to speaking to you in about 24 hours?"

Bloke: "Yes! Certainly! Sorry again"

[Thursday Morning.] Just some highlights.

Bloke: "So, imagine you've discovered a co-worker behaving inappropriately. How do you react to that?" (TT was really surprised I didn't get asked this one at the last interview, apparently it's a classic question here)

Me: "I ran my own business. Everyone I employed was interviewed by me. Do you really think I'd be stupid enough to employ people that would act inappropriately around me?"

Bloke: [after period of silence]"Ok. Let's rephrase it then. Can you think of a time that a client behaved inappropriately?"

Me: [thinks for a moment, then:] "Good question! Much better! I once had a client that used to call me all the time for progress updates on his project. He'd often call really late in the evening or at weekends. He was so awful my girlfriend nicknamed him 'DickFace'. That was too much info wasn't it?"

Bloke: "No, no, it's excellent!"(I can tell he's trying not to laugh) "So, how did you handle that situation?"

Me: "The next time I came home from the pub, about midnight, I called him on his home number and gave him an update on the progress of his project. He told me that now wasn't an appropriate time to call and I replied "Glad you know how it feels" and then invoiced him at double my normal rates. That's not what you wanted to hear is it?"

Bloke: [openly laughs]

-final situation -

Bloke: "I can tell that you use humour to put people at ease. Has your use of humour ever backfired on you?"

Me: "Nope"

Bloke: "How about now? I'm a little annoyed that you're not taking this seriously?"
Me: "Yeah, but it's not backfiring on me cos I can do the job, I can get the job, I'm just not sure if I want the job. So it's not really backfiring is it?"

He offered me a job paying more the H Comms. I'd say the moral of the story is "be yourself" at interview. If you think the questions are bollocks then tell them so.

Since this "finding work" thing is so easy I may leave it a while longer...

100% somber and sad

I've just met tt for lunch. She's working in a different department today to cover for a person that is absent.

The absent person is not at work because they are dealing with the death of their 2 year old daughter. They took her to kindegarden/creche and somehow she ended up falling in the pond and drowning.

I don't know the employee, I don't know their daughter, but I'm sad.

I can't help thinking about how I'd feel in that situation. I've never had any children but I've loved, and I'm sure the love towards own your children must be even greater than that for your own partner.

How would it feel, for that child to be stolen away from you through no fault of your own? How must the creche/kindergarden feel? Oh my gods. This is too much to think about. I really feel for TT's work colleague, and although I don't know who she is, I wish her the best. I'm getting tearful as I type this.

Time for beer and creating next post about much more happy things. Back soon.

How to impress employers at an interview

I've had two interviews this week. As I'm sure I've mentioned I'm still undecided whether to:

a) Start an Aus version of the business I ran in the UK
b) Get some nerdy computer job which would probably pay well but involve responsibility for a team, a project or something else
c) Get a no brain job in a supermarket or bar.

I've been doing a bit of (a) and it looks promising. I decided I'd look into (b) just to see how it went. I wrote myself a resume. I've never had to do that before! I'm 30 and I've never had a resume! I must admit that I'm quite impressed with myself. After reading it back to myself I'd definitely give me a job.

So I emailed it off to a few positions I saw advertised on the 'net. The first interview was on Monday and I'd received an email telling me to "wear work pants and a shirt but no tie. We're very informal...." Fine by me!

I turned up and it was surreal. Have you ever looked at the pages Working for google, or seen the Dilbert episode where he gets a job for Nervana Co? It was like that. Everyone was in casual dress. Actually, it was beyond casual dress. Most people were wandering around in shorts, tees and pluggers. Those that weren't casually ambling around were chilling in the "Relaxation Zone" which contained a coffee machine, cold drinks machine and snack vending machine. In the centre of the room was a large bowl of tokens so that you could just help yourself to whatever took your fancy free of charge.

I didn't see any evidence of anyone doing any actual work. Except for when the receptionist greeted me and told me to go and chill in the relaxation zone. But meeting and greeting is hardly work is it?

While waiting in the relaxation zone I spotted one other person wearing a proper shirt. He was more professional looking that me, his shirt wasn't short sleeved and it wasn't black. Yes. I turned up for an interview in a short sleeved black shirt, black pants and no tie. Cool eh? I said "Hi" to him and mentioned that he was the only person there wearing a shirt. He replied "Yes. I feel overdressed. I'm a consultant, only here for the one day...." No surprises there then!

Anyhow. Before witnessing the really relaxed environment I'd already decided I didn't want the job. I was only here for fun, to be honest and to practice my interview technique. So on with the interview:

There were three people in the room. Manager, nerd-I'd-be-replacing and myself. I can't help but point out "nerd-I'd-be-replacing" looked exactly like the blond guy out of the UK TV series "The Office" I couldn't help but smirk every time I looked at him. Let's call him NB for Nerd Boy. Here are the best bits. I'm taking a dictaphone to the next interview because I love it.

Manager: "Well, thanks for coming along Jay, your resume is pretty impressive. This position is available not because NB is leaving, but because he's been promoted! I'll let him describe his current role to you..."

NB: "Er, well I do [techy stuff]"

Me: "Is that all you do?"

NB: "Yeah. That's why after four years I'm bored of it"

Me: "Four years?! Jeez man, I'd be bored after a week!"

Manager: "Well. Now that NB has described the role I'd like to move on and ask you some other questions. If that's ok?"

Me: "Sure, it's why I'm here" [thinks: gimme the interview questions bitch, I'm here to practice!]

Manager: "Please tell me, what's your greatest technical skill?"

Me: "Um. Don't you have a copy of my resume?"

Manager: "Yes, of course"

Me: "Well, my technical abilities are listed on it, both in summary form and extensive form. Which part couldn't you understand?"

NB: [looks so shocked I think he's going to die]

Manager: "Er, well, ok. I'll check that! The next question is 'supposing a project is going to take 2 days to complete and you're given just one day. How would you handle this?'"

Me: "That really depends on several factors" [giving myself time to think of witty retort]

Manager: "Ooooh!"[He thinks I'm thinking about the factors] "What would those be?"

Me: "Well, if I was given the project by a manager I disliked I'd probably just deliver late and get the manager in trouble with his superior's. If it was for a client I disliked I'd bodge the project and drop what I perceive to be unnecessary feature to get it done within the day allowed. If I liked both the manager and client I'd get it done"

NB: [turns purple through trying not to laugh]

Manager: "Ummm. OK. So assuming you like both client and manager, how would you 'get it done' with so little time?"

Me: "If it really meant so much to me I'd call upon friends to help. But I'd have to really like the client and manager to do that"

Manager: "OK. I think we're done with that question. Here's another. How do you motivate your coworkers?"

Me: "When I ran my company in the UK I'd often surprise staff by turning up and suggesting we all go to the pub at lunchtime for a quick beer and a meal. And I'd pay for it."

NB: [starts silently rocking in his chair]

Manager: "Um. Well in this role you'd not actually have access to company funds. How would you improve morale without using money?"

Me: "Look at NB there, he's peeing his pants trying not to laugh. I'd use humour"

Manager: [He sighs and obviously gives up] "This sheet of questions just isn't going to work with you. I've heard enough. Do you have any questions?"

Me: "No, I don't think so. I think I'd probably be bored in the role you've offered. But I do like your company. If you have anything of a higher caliber in future I'd like to be considered?"

NB: "Our new CEO perhaps?!"

Manager: [gives NB an evil stare]

That wasn't the interview in it's entirerty of course. I did answer some questions normally but my attention span decreases when I'm bored.

They've offered me the boring position and at an incredibly high wage. I'm tempted. Hmmm - free snacks.

Don't cry for me Argentina....and frequently used passwords.

I just can't get that song out of my head.

I'm not even a big musical fan, but for some reason I keep singing it to myself over and over again.

I've got no internet at home, I'm having to steal the other blokes down the road to post this. Btw, I've included "frequently used passwords" in the title because it got me more search result visits than anything else in the last six months. Shame I don't reveal anything useful to wannabe hackers eh?

Anyhoo, that's the reason I've been so quiet. And I've also been offered a hugely stupidly well paid job which has required some work. And I've also discovered I'm not legally entitled to be in Australia. I need to go overseas to get a visa.

It's all bollocks. I'll explain as soon as I can! It may be from New Zealand though. Take care y'all, I'll be in touch as soon as I can