How to impress employers at an interview

I've had two interviews this week. As I'm sure I've mentioned I'm still undecided whether to:

a) Start an Aus version of the business I ran in the UK
b) Get some nerdy computer job which would probably pay well but involve responsibility for a team, a project or something else
c) Get a no brain job in a supermarket or bar.

I've been doing a bit of (a) and it looks promising. I decided I'd look into (b) just to see how it went. I wrote myself a resume. I've never had to do that before! I'm 30 and I've never had a resume! I must admit that I'm quite impressed with myself. After reading it back to myself I'd definitely give me a job.

So I emailed it off to a few positions I saw advertised on the 'net. The first interview was on Monday and I'd received an email telling me to "wear work pants and a shirt but no tie. We're very informal...." Fine by me!

I turned up and it was surreal. Have you ever looked at the pages Working for google, or seen the Dilbert episode where he gets a job for Nervana Co? It was like that. Everyone was in casual dress. Actually, it was beyond casual dress. Most people were wandering around in shorts, tees and pluggers. Those that weren't casually ambling around were chilling in the "Relaxation Zone" which contained a coffee machine, cold drinks machine and snack vending machine. In the centre of the room was a large bowl of tokens so that you could just help yourself to whatever took your fancy free of charge.

I didn't see any evidence of anyone doing any actual work. Except for when the receptionist greeted me and told me to go and chill in the relaxation zone. But meeting and greeting is hardly work is it?

While waiting in the relaxation zone I spotted one other person wearing a proper shirt. He was more professional looking that me, his shirt wasn't short sleeved and it wasn't black. Yes. I turned up for an interview in a short sleeved black shirt, black pants and no tie. Cool eh? I said "Hi" to him and mentioned that he was the only person there wearing a shirt. He replied "Yes. I feel overdressed. I'm a consultant, only here for the one day...." No surprises there then!

Anyhow. Before witnessing the really relaxed environment I'd already decided I didn't want the job. I was only here for fun, to be honest and to practice my interview technique. So on with the interview:

There were three people in the room. Manager, nerd-I'd-be-replacing and myself. I can't help but point out "nerd-I'd-be-replacing" looked exactly like the blond guy out of the UK TV series "The Office" I couldn't help but smirk every time I looked at him. Let's call him NB for Nerd Boy. Here are the best bits. I'm taking a dictaphone to the next interview because I love it.

Manager: "Well, thanks for coming along Jay, your resume is pretty impressive. This position is available not because NB is leaving, but because he's been promoted! I'll let him describe his current role to you..."

NB: "Er, well I do [techy stuff]"

Me: "Is that all you do?"

NB: "Yeah. That's why after four years I'm bored of it"

Me: "Four years?! Jeez man, I'd be bored after a week!"

Manager: "Well. Now that NB has described the role I'd like to move on and ask you some other questions. If that's ok?"

Me: "Sure, it's why I'm here" [thinks: gimme the interview questions bitch, I'm here to practice!]

Manager: "Please tell me, what's your greatest technical skill?"

Me: "Um. Don't you have a copy of my resume?"

Manager: "Yes, of course"

Me: "Well, my technical abilities are listed on it, both in summary form and extensive form. Which part couldn't you understand?"

NB: [looks so shocked I think he's going to die]

Manager: "Er, well, ok. I'll check that! The next question is 'supposing a project is going to take 2 days to complete and you're given just one day. How would you handle this?'"

Me: "That really depends on several factors" [giving myself time to think of witty retort]

Manager: "Ooooh!"[He thinks I'm thinking about the factors] "What would those be?"

Me: "Well, if I was given the project by a manager I disliked I'd probably just deliver late and get the manager in trouble with his superior's. If it was for a client I disliked I'd bodge the project and drop what I perceive to be unnecessary feature to get it done within the day allowed. If I liked both the manager and client I'd get it done"

NB: [turns purple through trying not to laugh]

Manager: "Ummm. OK. So assuming you like both client and manager, how would you 'get it done' with so little time?"

Me: "If it really meant so much to me I'd call upon friends to help. But I'd have to really like the client and manager to do that"

Manager: "OK. I think we're done with that question. Here's another. How do you motivate your coworkers?"

Me: "When I ran my company in the UK I'd often surprise staff by turning up and suggesting we all go to the pub at lunchtime for a quick beer and a meal. And I'd pay for it."

NB: [starts silently rocking in his chair]

Manager: "Um. Well in this role you'd not actually have access to company funds. How would you improve morale without using money?"

Me: "Look at NB there, he's peeing his pants trying not to laugh. I'd use humour"

Manager: [He sighs and obviously gives up] "This sheet of questions just isn't going to work with you. I've heard enough. Do you have any questions?"

Me: "No, I don't think so. I think I'd probably be bored in the role you've offered. But I do like your company. If you have anything of a higher caliber in future I'd like to be considered?"

NB: "Our new CEO perhaps?!"

Manager: [gives NB an evil stare]

That wasn't the interview in it's entirerty of course. I did answer some questions normally but my attention span decreases when I'm bored.

They've offered me the boring position and at an incredibly high wage. I'm tempted. Hmmm - free snacks.