Red eye and grossness

This last week or ten days I've had really red eyes. No idea why. It only seems to happen when I get to work. I don't notice it at home in the evenings but it seems every time I wash my hands at work and look up into the mirror I gasp at the site of my own eyes. So bloodshot, makes me look terrible. They're not painful or anything but just look embarrassingly bad.

I had an idea yesterday - I wonder if it's the shampoo I'm using? When I was a kid I was susceptible to shampoo. Even though it never got into my eyes and stung or anything some brands would make my eyes go red.

So I decided this morning to try the other one in my bathroom left by TT. I squirted some of it into my hand and felt instantly repulsed. It was kinda creamy, off-whiteish colour and looked totally like cu something gross. Nonetheless I used it and I think my eyes looked mildly better today.

The new shampoo I tried reminded me of a story. I bequeath you to read no further if you're decent, wholesome of character, squeamish or don't find gross things amusing even when you know you shouldn't. You've been warned.

OK. I used to work with this guy called Jezza. He was same age as me but a totally dirty lovable rogue. He's the closest to a real life Rik Mayall I've ever met. For anyone that's ever watched the UK series "Bottom" that's probably enough of an introduction to him. This story will tell you more:

Jezza was at uni and sharing a house with another guy and a girl. All three were single but the girl was always bringing home a different guy every night and having loud sex keeping the two guys and neighbours up.

But not only that, she had a split personality. During the day she was a total snooty bitch - always whinging at Jezza and his mate for silly things like using the wrong knife to spread butter, or using the wrong spoon to stir their coffee.

She'd often not pay her share of the rent because she'd blown her money on beauty products and manicure sets etc. Jezza and his mate had to top up her share so they wouldn't all get chucked out. Jezza finally lost it when she came home with a bottle of shampoo and declared to the boys "This is designer shampoo. It cost me over 30GBP so if either of you wankers use it I'll be really angry. And I'll have to pay extra on my rent next week because I can't afford it this week..."

She left it in the bathroom and the next morning while Jezza was having his shower the statement ran through his mind again: "...either of you wankers...."

You can guess the rest. Apparently the only difficult bit was aiming. He and his flat mate took to complimenting her on her lovely shiny hair and she would just swoon and say "It's something in my shampoo". They would just smirk and exchange knowing glances. Jezza really is a dirty bastard!

Clothes for that money should be able to clean the house

I had an online chat with one of my lovely readers today. I am now more scared than ever of girls shopping logic. A bikini for AU$330? Because "it's an amazing colour" What the fuck?! I wouldn't care what colour it is, for that money it should be able to fucking change colour!

And realising my shock my dearest friend attempted to try and give me cardiac arrest by telling me her about the shoes she likes too. Any male readers, please take a seat.

US$470 / AU$552!

Choke! Splutter! Cough!

What the hell can't you do with a pair of $5 thongs and a pair of DM's? Oh. I confess. I also have a pair of worky shoes and some trainers. But all up my entire footware collection costs about AU$250 and I seem to survive travelling the globe, partying, relaxing, hiking, driving and any other little thing fate decides to throw my way so far.

One of my ex girlfriends had a "thing" for shoes. She collected something like 100 pairs. But so far as I'm aware, none of them cost anything like that. In fact, she worked in a shoe shop so half of them probably either "walked themselves" out of the back door or were offered at huge staff discounted rates so it's almost understandable.

Am I the only one to be so shocked? What's the most you or your partner has ever spent on shoes?

Oh yeah, this is what ya need

I've got a co-resident again. I no longer live here alone. Look at this mother fucker!

I tried to put something next to him to make it comparable but he just ate the fucking box of matches I dropped next to him!

*Shudder* But I still love Straylia!

I done bad

TT came for a pre-arranged visit this morning. It was good to catch up. As she left I said "You take care Sarah....."

But I didn't use the name Sarah. I used the name of an ex girlfriend in UK. I don't know where it came from. I don't know how it happened. She knows it was the name of an ex. If looks could kill I'd be dead now.

I fully understand her "look".

I truly don't know how it happened, my brain just sent wrong word to mouth. I've been beating myself up about it all day. S and I went to cinema earlier and I started crying. But it was about my fuck up rather than the film. It feels like I've cheated on her or something. Yeah, even though we're not together any more.

This is the first time I've been sad since the initial break up period and I decided it was time to stop sooking. S brought me home from cinema on the grounds that "I've seen the way you've just been wandering with no concentration this arvo, you're not getting a bus...."

I'll post something more cheerful later. Sorry about this.

If I didn't have S looking out for me I'd be in a state. Thanks S. You're the best Aussie friend anyone could ask for.

Boy Treats

I had to take the day off work today because I was feeling crook. I can't stop shivering. And it's not just due to the Antarctic weather conditions we're suffering at the moment, I have a stinking cold. Grrr. I hate being ill.

I stayed in bed all morning and slept most of it. I just woke occasionally and drank another glass of OJ. About 11am I was woken by my doorbell. I ignored it. Rings again. I ignore it. Rings again. I ignore it. Rings again. I get out of bed feeling very pissed of and ready to deliver some good old fashioned British violence to my antagonist.

But it turned out to be my first treat of the day. It was persistent postie. He was stood at my gate with a box clutched firmly before him. I signed for it and discovered one of my wonderful readers from US had sent me a gift. It was a box and favourite American lollies/candy/sweets. Thank you very much you lovely girl! You shouldn't have paid that much for postage though, that's a fortune!

I was still feeling shit so I went back to bed. I woke again about 2.30 and decided I'd better go into the city to do some stuff. I needed to:

- post a package to afore mentioned reader in US
- post a package to a Canadian reader
- open another bank account
- buy a step ladder
- buy some light bulbs (yeah, I'm living in darkness at the moment cos 3 light bulbs have blown and my ceilings are too high to reach and my real estate is a wankpot)
- buy a mic (I've signed up to Skype and my lappy mic appears to be knackered)
- buy a bluetooth adaptor or card reader so I can get pics from phone to PC

I got to city and opened the bank account first - that was so easy, only took 10 mins. I went to the post office and Q'd for 25 mins. Only once I got to the counter did I realise I was a total twat. I hadn't bought the goodies with me. I had both addresses but nothing to send to them. What a fucking idiot. I told you I was crook today.

I went shopping and then got more treats. I went to "Hardly Normal", the PC store over here (well, ok, it's actually called "Harvey Norman" but you know, this is Aus) It went like this:

Me: "G'day mate! I need a way to get photos from phone to PC. I'm thinking bluetooth receiver or multicard reader?"

Store guy: "Well, here's a card reader, $29, bluetooth receivers start at $70"

Me: "Easy decision! I'll take it. Now, I also need a cheap and nasty mic - cheapest shit possible"

SG: "We dont sell nasty stuff!"

Me: "Bollocks! But never mind, cheapest then!"

SG: "This one is $9 and...."

Me: [interupts]"Done. I'll take it."

SG: "You're easy to deal with mate!"

Me: "Yeah, I know. Oooh, what's that?!" [points to "mid year specials" offers on Sony cybershot cameras]

SG: "Those are excellent. This one...."

Me: [interupts] "That one please! The 7.1 megapixel"

SG: "You know, I'm going to give you that mic for free. This has been too easy!"

I left the shop after about 6 minutes of entering with new digi cam, mic and card reader. And it all cost me AU$210!!!! What a fucking deal!

So I'll be back to posting photos real soon! Yey!

Who dunnit?

My herb garden has been growing like a beaut. But today I discovered something had eaten big holes in my biggest sunflowers leaves! Who would do that?! These are being grown as a contest against my sister in the UK. I suspect sabotage. When I visit the UK in three weeks I'm going to eat a few of her leaves and see how she likes it. Yeah. That'll teach her. Sibling love, how would I manage without it?

In other news, I've been off work crook today. Can't stop shivering. Being the good (money grabbing bastard) boy I am I've been checking and responding to work emails. At least I can put a couple of hours on my time sheet :)

S really panicked me earlier. She said she needed to talk about the UK trip urgently. I assumed the worst and thought she was backing out. Luckily I was wrong and I think we're getting the minor dramas sorted now. It's totally understandable worries - if I'd only known me a few weeks I'd be thinking "What the fuck have I got myself into?" too. In fact I often think that. More about this later!

(Wow, they're playing "Sweet home Alabama" on the radio - gotta love that!)

Yes. I am a child.

he he he he

Burger that!

As many of you are aware I work for an engineering company that has projects running all over Australia.

One of our biggest projects threw a BBQ to celebrate 1 million hours in 2007 without a Lost Time Injury. Some fucking idiot was splitting up frozen burgers with a knife and managed to stab himself in the hand. Was off work for two days!

I asked my boss with a totally serious expression “Should I add RBRI to our Job Hazards, Health and Safety database?”

“RBRI?” asked my boss

“Yeah, ‘Random Burger Related Injury’….”

He wasn’t bemused!

Addendum:
I sms'd this story to a couple of people before blogging it and someone who shall remain nameless (You know who you are!) said "what kind of company celebrates no injuries?"

Well, 1000000/24=41666 days
41666/365=114.

So it's like one person living for 114 years without an accident. That's pretty amazing really isn't it?

(I'm not bitching W, I just hadn't realised quite how impressive it was myself until you implied it wasn't! You know I love you loads! And this post was too short!)

Some people just make work FUN!

Today I went into the office. I've been working from home recently but occasionally these sacrifices have to be made. I used to commute to the office which involved a very early start. Today I'd arranged a lift in with my manager. I didn't wake until 7am which is around the time we'd arranged to meet.

Well done me, eh?

So I logged onto the work system from home and went back to bed for a couple of hours. If I'm virtually present I'm reality paid and that's all that really matters. It makes up for all the hours I spend thinking about work related stuff while not during logged working time.

I blagged a lift of a neighbour a little later. I was amazingly productive. I made a new report and my direct manager guy told me an hour later that "everyone is pawing themselves under the desk 'bout that report mate!". I loved that expression! Let's call him "FG" (Funny Guy) for the rest of this post.

Later, a boss of the company came into my office (which annoyingly contains a shared printer) to collect something. He's a very senior boss. And he's bald. And he has no sense of humour. Let's call him BB (for bald-boss)

BB approached me and asked whether the printout on the printer was mine. I said it was. He asked if I could make the report title BLACK because it would be cheaper than BLUE. I just had to nod in stunned silence because I couldn't think of a suitable reply.

I mentioned this to FG when I next saw him and this happened:

FG: "Hey! BB! You want this heading in black?"

BB: "Well, it would save ink in the printers"

FG: "They're fucking laser printers you prick! There's no ink!"

BB: "It's still wasting colour"

FG: "Is this why you've got no hair? You just trying to save money on shampoo?"

BB: "That's not..."

FG: "The fucking company logo is BLUE, are you on a campaign to change that as well?!"

BB: [walks out]

me: [tries to get up from the floor from laughing]

You gotta love these Aussies!

Later FG waited until BB left his office and then chucked his proper office swivel chair out. Literally. He just threw it off the balcony into the skip. He then replaced it with one of those horrible moulded plastic chairs. Later:

BB: "Anyone know where my chair has gone?"

FG: "Aw yeah. I sold it mate"

BB: "You WHAT?!"

FG: "Mate, it's pretty obvious our company is getting low on dough if we have to watch out for colour printing so I sold it on ebay and chucked the proceeds in the company kitty"

BB: [Leaves fuming]

It's worth mentioning at this point, I work for one of the largest companies in Australia. If this was some family run outfit it wouldn't be funny but the way it is I'm in constant worry of pissing me daks when my manager is anywhere about. He just makes my working days happy!

Long weekend update - Cheers for the holiday queeny!

Cos it's one of the British queenies birthdays at some point most of Aus had a public holiday today. At least, that's their excuse. I reckon it's because a month has passed since the last one...

I really wasted most of my weekend. But not Saturday. I went to see S and we went shopping. I bought three amusing / insulting T-shirts. Then we went back to S's place and had Thai take out. V. Yum. Then I missed my last train home and as we'd both had wine we couldn't drive. So she kindly offered to let me stay. And even lent me one of her jumpers cos it was so cold during the evening. I'm sure that's usually the other way around?

Had a really pleasant evening/night.

The next morning I got an SMS inviting me to a job interview. Not bad for 10am on a Sunday morning!

I got the train home about midday. I rocked up to my house and my neighbour looked at me suspiciously and said "So, you stayed at S's place last night?" I said that no, I hadn't, I'd just gone out early to get some shopping. He says "So how come S's car just drove away?" I instantly replied "It didn't! I got the train home!..............FUCK!"

He just laughed. He know's it's all fine but he likes winding me up. I don't make a good liar!

I then bummed around for the rest of the day. In the evening my neighbour convinced me to have a glass or two of vino with him. He's moving out in a few days and wants to spend some time with me. Soppy fucker.

Due to the wine I slept in late on Monday. Then chatted on Messenger for the rest of the arvo. In the evening I called my sis in UK and told her about split with T. She thought I should tell parents, so I did. They were upset but understanding. Couldn't really expect anything else really.

Birthday - Elaborated

The birthday has kinda dragged over two days. Yesterday the day started brilliantly with S saying she'd meet me from my bus stop and take me to work to avoid the work. I thought that was a lovely gesture as she doesn't generally start work until about an hour after me. I was even more shocked when I got in the car to discover she had provided two "mini birthday cakes" (delicious looking chocolate muffins) complete with candles!

I've not had a birthday cake for years! She took me to work and we just sat outside chatting for a bit. Then a mate from the UK called me who I've not seen for three years and wished me happy birthday! Wow!

S and I chatted a little more and then one of the guys that shares my office walked past us, gave a bemused smile into the car and said "Morning!" to us. I decided I'd better go in shortly after before the rumour mill got into full swing. Almost as soon as I walked into the office the boss said "Ooooh! Cake! Did you get back together with your gf?" How subtle!

I said I wasn't and glances were exchanged. I don't know whether it was a "What a boy slut" glance or a "Soppy fucker is! Look at him grinning" glance. A steady stream of people turned up at my office to drool at the muffins ask for help with lame Excel problems. At 3 I was shocked again. Boss turned up with a birthday cake for me and loads of people came to eat free cake wish me happy birthday.

It was a pretty cool work day too - plenty to do which always sways me from going for a kip. I got home and there was no note from the real estate telling me the result of the inspection. (That's why I've been busy in the evenings this week. The place has to be spotless for inspections) But I know they'd been. Cos the forms had gone. Mind you, so was the TV, all the white goods and my credit cards. And the real estator had carelessly broken one of my windows during her inspection.

And don't get me started about the muddy footprints she left. Size 11 - who'd imagine?

In the evening Trish came over by prior agreement and we went to eat at our fave restaurant. It was very relaxed and she was plainly glad to see I was happy. I didn't mention S but when I got an SMS just after dinner and couldn't help but laugh I think she instantly thought "He's seeing someone" cos lot's of girlies have habit of jumping to conclusions and she's one of them. But she was still fine.

I walked her to the taxi rank and saw her away. She gave me a bday card which is really nice. It's the first card I've ever had from her. She doesn't believe in them whereas I prefer cards over pressies. She knows I look for ones with decent verses, and she'd spent 2 hours looking for this one. It shows. I'll type it out for y'all later - right now I'm happy and reading it might make me a bit thinky.

After that I came home and spoke to S online. She told me the muffins were homemade! I was deeply shocked, I'd just assumed they'd come from a bakery. She is such a sweety thoughtful girl I got a bit sad.

- ***** -

Today (Fri) I worked in the city (Yey! My fave office!). And to start the day of really well I got an SMS from boss saying he fancied a swim and wouldn't be in until after 9 - so don't bother turning up until after then. Yey! 2 hour lay in! I rocked up about 9.30 and spent the next 2 hours trying not to doze off. So tired. At 12.30 he asked whether I felt I'd achieved much during the morning. With a feeling of guilt but a look of indignation I declared I was proud of what I'd got done (True: I'd achieved not fully falling asleep....)

He said "Great! So have I. Lets go to the pub and celebrate your birthday and the long weekend eh?"

And that was it. Spent next 4 hours in pub with a couple of workmates getting pissy and breaking my diet (I had chicken salad).

For my first bday alone in a foreign country I can't complain. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder what I've missing out on for years! Cheers S, UK friends, Family, Trish, worky people (that don't read), and all of my lovely readers. You're all great and given me a truly happy two days. Enough in fact to combat the fact I'm now over 30. But I'm not going to dwell on that :(

Birthday

It's mine. They stopped being fun last year when I was 30. 31 wasn't so much fun.

But S gave me a lovely surprise. So did work. More info later peeps....

*blows out candles* one year older than last night...

Funny search string

Someone found my blog by searching for this:

http://aolsearch.aol.co.uk/aol/search?query=mate sleepover wank cock give him a wank&page=2&cr=&userid=-6854644761557247894&invocationType=bottomsearc

Heh heh heh!

More messenger stuff

Tonight my cousin (in the UK) signed in so I said Hi. It turned out to be her husband who I've never met. We chatted anyway. I just told him about life in general (as no one in UK has blog address) I got the following comments:

Nick: "sorry im still laughing at your last comment"

Nick: "stop your killing me hehehe"

Nick: "stop please!!!! hehehehe "

I wish I could be funny at will. I think I'd like to be funny. It makes you feel good when you know you make people laugh doesn't it?

Bad. Followed by good

My neighbour invited me to breakfast today. We had champaigne with the orange juice cos he was celebrating. Then we some more OJ. I didn't even realise he'd laced it with vodka until he told me.

Due to the recent diet thing it went straight to my head. And I was due to see S.

I managed to get to see S but I was out of it.

Totally.

I feel SO guilty.

S seems to be ok with it but I feel like a big shit. And my neighbour has been out since I got home so I've not had the chance to kick his arse either.

The good:
I had a fantabulous avo with S. Enjoyed it lots. She's a great friend.

My mate from Ireland called me. 4 hours later we'd caught up on all our news and even talked about all the shit in his science magazine. Shit such as: "Do insects ever get fat?" I feel I answered them all in a scientific and precise manner. Ha ha ha ha!