Red eye and grossness

This last week or ten days I've had really red eyes. No idea why. It only seems to happen when I get to work. I don't notice it at home in the evenings but it seems every time I wash my hands at work and look up into the mirror I gasp at the site of my own eyes. So bloodshot, makes me look terrible. They're not painful or anything but just look embarrassingly bad.

I had an idea yesterday - I wonder if it's the shampoo I'm using? When I was a kid I was susceptible to shampoo. Even though it never got into my eyes and stung or anything some brands would make my eyes go red.

So I decided this morning to try the other one in my bathroom left by TT. I squirted some of it into my hand and felt instantly repulsed. It was kinda creamy, off-whiteish colour and looked totally like cu something gross. Nonetheless I used it and I think my eyes looked mildly better today.

The new shampoo I tried reminded me of a story. I bequeath you to read no further if you're decent, wholesome of character, squeamish or don't find gross things amusing even when you know you shouldn't. You've been warned.

OK. I used to work with this guy called Jezza. He was same age as me but a totally dirty lovable rogue. He's the closest to a real life Rik Mayall I've ever met. For anyone that's ever watched the UK series "Bottom" that's probably enough of an introduction to him. This story will tell you more:

Jezza was at uni and sharing a house with another guy and a girl. All three were single but the girl was always bringing home a different guy every night and having loud sex keeping the two guys and neighbours up.

But not only that, she had a split personality. During the day she was a total snooty bitch - always whinging at Jezza and his mate for silly things like using the wrong knife to spread butter, or using the wrong spoon to stir their coffee.

She'd often not pay her share of the rent because she'd blown her money on beauty products and manicure sets etc. Jezza and his mate had to top up her share so they wouldn't all get chucked out. Jezza finally lost it when she came home with a bottle of shampoo and declared to the boys "This is designer shampoo. It cost me over 30GBP so if either of you wankers use it I'll be really angry. And I'll have to pay extra on my rent next week because I can't afford it this week..."

She left it in the bathroom and the next morning while Jezza was having his shower the statement ran through his mind again: "...either of you wankers...."

You can guess the rest. Apparently the only difficult bit was aiming. He and his flat mate took to complimenting her on her lovely shiny hair and she would just swoon and say "It's something in my shampoo". They would just smirk and exchange knowing glances. Jezza really is a dirty bastard!