So many news, so few typing skillz

So I'll resort to bullet points

- Spent a fortune calling friends in UK, Germany, US and Canada last night

- Chatted to other people on-line, one of whom I am now indebted to - She solved a big drama
for me

- Bought a new bed + mattress today. It just about fitted in the ute but about 3" or so wouldn't fit (Story of my life, lol)

- Dismantled desk in old study which is now to become a guest room. Took it to S's

- Unloaded bed and mattress with no assistance! Whoot! I do have muscles somewhere under my flabby man boobs.

- Got invited to a party going on opposite side of street by an almost complete stranger. The only interaction we've had is when she's looking for her pussy which sometimes finds its way to my yard

- Had sex with an Pom girl here on holiday! Oh wait, that's yet to happen...

Gotta go now. I'm going out to complete my "things I done today" list. And yes, I am an arrogant fucker.

Guess what?

Last night my house was attacked by vikings. They broke my door, tried to start a small fire (which looks a little likea cigarette burn) on the carpet, and then they ate all my food and didn't do ANY washing up.

Don't ask. Just don't.

I've been meaning for a while to put out a challenge. I need more linky bits since so many of mine are now broken. Each of you must send me a link to your fave blog and I'll link to it.
An example would be "Just Me" who I've forgiven for blatanly ripping off my name because she has thus far written no less than three posts about me. And I only realised tonight. Oops.

Note to me

Wine is bad

Who wants to live forever?

She's a hoot so make sure you check out her blog.

Real Estate

G'day Twinkies, Happy Friday!

If any of you ever decide to move to Brisbane contact me and I'll tell you the real estate not to use. Mine.

They continually screw up, they always have and probably always will. I've learnt to just deal with it now as thankfully I don't have much communication with them.

However, when my power went out last week I had to call them. After going through the procedure of unplugging every device in the place (You don't realise how many there are until you have to do it) and additionally isolating every circuit I called back and confirmed there was definately a problem.

Well, that's all history now, but yesterday I had to pop in to re-sign my rental renewal. And I had to come face to face with a woman that I despise. My personal property manager. She's a cow who I've only ever dealt with on the phone. She states her preferred method of contact is email but there's no point as she deletes all incoming mail. We've had several phone confrontations in the past.

I decided I'd try to smooth things over by thanking her for sending the sparky over to sort the problem last week. Her response?

Bitchy Realtor: "Too easy, I just sent you the bill"

Me: "Huh? Why? It wasn't my fault?"

BR: "I warned you that if it turned out to be one of your appliances at fault you'd be charged"

Me: "I DID CHECK ALL THE APPLIANCES! AND I ADDITIONALY ISOLATED EACH CIRCUIT! I CALLED YOU BACK TO CONFIRM THAT BEFORE YOU ORDERED THE BLOODY SPARKY!"

BR: "Well, it says on his invoice 'unable to rectify fault' so that means we have to pass the bill on to you"

Me: "That's BS. I agree he couldn't rectify the fault but that's because he identenfied it as being the cable coming into the house"

BR: "You should have checked that"

Me: "Oh really? I should have gone out and started dismantling a 1000 volt supply unit covered with signs saying 'warning! High Voltage' and 'Property of Energex, unauthorised entry prohibitted'?"

BR: "Well....um....you should have called me for advice"

Me: "I bloody did! You sent a sparky!"

BR: "Ignore the invoice, we'll send it to the property owner instead"

I thought "But it's not his fault either!" but said nothing. We signed the paper work and I said bye. She didn't reply. Fucking cow.

It's no wonder she's in a bad mood though, she's obviously had no bed action for a million. She's too fucking ugly. Look up "ugly" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of her then you'll know what I mean.

Getting sorted out

Although I had a rental inspection just last week and got a
glowing review this is partly due to my unconventional
tidying methods. These work by "tidying" all of my untidy
clutter in wardrobes, cupboards, etc with the intent of
sorting it out when I've got more time.

However, that "sorting" never seems to happen which
results in an avalanch of junk when I open the wrong wardrobe
door. It also means I can't find anything when I want to.

At the moment I can't find the adapter to plug my phone into
the PC.

I can't find my USB memory stick.

I can't find various pieces of essential paperwork.

Last night I finally took action. I went around the house
gathering up all the unfiled paperwork I could find and then
sat on the lounge floor for around two hours sorting it all
into piles ready to be filed in the appropriate folder.

The tragic thing about all this is that yes, I do have a filing
cabinet, folders, they're even labelled up. And I'm just too
lazy to put anything where it belongs.

Anyway, after two hours I had about 15 piles of paper work
all ready to be filed. I surveyed my work and thought "Wow,
I've been productive. That's a lot of sorting accomplished.
I wonder how much?" So I stacked the piles up together to
find out how tall the pile was. It was comparable to a white
pages phone directory.

Then I realised that I should have put the documents into
folders before stacking them because now they're all in one
giant heap again. Yeah, I are smart, me.

The tidying resumes tonight and I'll be going through the
carrier bags of "stuff" to find things like the little gift I
want to post to the UK, my memory stick, etc. And when I
find the phone adapter I'll be able to post some photos
again. Yey.

Bad weekend

Sorry S, really I am.

My wacky life

My power has been failing intermittently for a few days. After much strife I managed to get the real estate to send out a sparky.

He turned up and within 5 mins he was demanding to know where his beer was and whether I had any "wacky weed". I gave him a beer and apologised that despite my legendary entertainment skills I couldn't provide him with a joint. (Yes, this was a complete stranger working for a large "reputable" aussie company.)

At this point he got more serious about his job. He looked at my switchboard, told me it was fine so the supply to the house must be fucked and that I needed to call the power provision people. He explained that the people I'd speak to on the phone would be "cunts" and versed me in the best scam to get through to serious people rather than help-deskers.

He chilled for a bit, drank his beer and we discussed music. He then left.

He returned about 20 minutes later with a small bag of green and a six pack.
I'll never slate tradies again. Or Optus Energy - They employ funny people.

Too thinky

Why do girls behave the way they do? I suppose if I knew the answer to that I could be the richest boy in the world.

One thing I've been pondering recently is my most recent ex-partner, tt. I don't know why I've been thinking about it really but I think it's cos of a couple of really deep seated questions that I can't answer.

a) She was always a "nice" girl. She never swore or done anything vaguely rebellious. So why was she unfaithful to her boyfreind and sleep with my within less than a week of us meeting here in Aus? It certainly wasn't because of any pressure applied to me because I remember the embarrasment / excitement when in a hotel room in Cairns she asked me "Do you have any condoms?" and I was pretty pleased with being able to truthfully answer "NO! I didn't expect anything to happen!"

b) We were together for over a year before she told her "best friend". Why did she wait so long? (Actually, this may be because she wasn't actually that close to the "best friend" - I remember her once telling me about a time she wrote a hugely bitchy blog post about her and then had to remove it in a hurry when she remembered that "friend" actually knew her blog address and sometimes read it. Lol)

c) How come now that we've "amicably" split up she's trying to get money out of me all the time? I've paid her back for the furniture she bought at our place, at her price. I gave her money for the rent even when I was still living in the UK. I paid for our travel around UK and Europe. I paid for our Peru adventure. I don't regret a single penny, I love her and wanted to make her happy. But now we're no longer together, why try to keep getting money from me? It seems the only time I get emails from her now is when she needs cash.

I'll stop whinging now, I'll just do as millions of other boys have done and admit that men are from Mars and ex's can kiss Uranus are from Venus.

The most "eh?" day at work for ages

I rocked on up to work this morning.

I was delighted to discover that most of my clients had decided to go for a long weekend and there was nothing to do. This blissfull scenario lasted until 3pm. I normally finish at 3.30 so the finish line for the weekend was in sight.

Then it happened.

Loads of clients that are usually my coworkers problems suddenly realised that the afore mentioned coworker was on vacation from today for the next 10 days. His problems have become my problems.

And they are bitches. Every last God damned one of them. Because I don't know them they don't know me, I can't be my normal obnoxious self. Eg. "Mate! It's friday arvo! Are you having a fucking laugh?"

As a result I've somehow committed to solving the three most pressing dramas over the weekend. The first needs to be done by midday tomorrow. It may take me 1 hour, it may take me 6. Either way be assured my timesheet will record at least double the actual figure. I'm entitled right?

Butter paws

I just got of the phone to a friend in the UK. She's being forced to move house because she rents and the owners want to move back in. Ironically I received the exact same news about my own place here in Aus yesterday. My owners are hoping to move back in before Christmas. My UK friend has been given until the 28th of December. How ironic is that?

Anyhoo, I'm relatively unphased by my news, I figure I'll just move somewhere else. It's no biggy. She however is really worried about her cat and how it will affect him. When she told me her concerns about him getting lost if she moves I suggested putting butter on his paws.

I don't know why I said this. I've never owned a cat but I'm certain that's the modus operandi for moving a cat isn't it? For some reason that just seems like embedded knowledge to me. I've no idea why or how I would know this but I'm sure it's right?

She had never heard of such a thing and started demanding explanations as to why on earth she should butter his paws. To this I had no obvious answer. Perhaps it makes the paws so slippy the cat will be too busy skidding into walls and stuff to actually leave the house? Assuming this is the case perhaps another healthier oil could be used instead? Maybe you could spray your cat with extra virgin olive oil?

What will the new landlord think of you as a new tenant when your moggy leaves greasy paw prints all over the curtains, carpet and sofa? Who'd think that moving a pussy could spawn all these questions in my head when I don't even have one? Perhaps I'm entirely wrong and I'm just mixing up "moving cats" and "roasting a chicken" in my weird head. But I'm sure the "moving cat" thing doesn't involve stuffing sage and onion up the poor things arse.

Beyond a joke

OK. This is getting silly now.

You know I told y'all a couple of days ago a set of keys appeared mysteriously in my garden?

Well. Now I have another set. Almost identical to the first set. Not quite the same, but very similar. What the fuck?

I had a stroke of inspiration a few moments ago and imaged this conversation occuring:

[two people talking on phone]
Stranger #1: "Where are my keys? You said you'd drop them over!"
Stranger #2: "I did! I left them in your garden!"
Stranger #1: "Bollocks did you! I've not seen them!"
Stranger #2: "Odd. Never mind, I'll drop another set over"
Stranger #1: "Make sure you do!"
Stranger #2: [drops another set of keys at the wrong house again]

But then I realised my logical explanation has 2 fundamental flaws:

a) Why would Stranger 2 have two sets of keys belonging to Stranger 1?
b) The keys are very similar but they're not identical.

Have I inadvertantly opened a key sancutary for unwanted keys? Is someone trying to frame me for burglaries I didn't commit? Should I go and try the keys in random houses so at least if I get arrested for a burglary I may make a plasma TV out of the whole deal?

On a *probably* unrelated note, one of my gnomes has been smashed. This has made me unduly sad. It was one of a pair, the first pair I ever bought for TT. Froggy and Froggo. Froggo is now minus 1 x head. I didn't realise I'd ever be sad about an ex-gnome. You don't realise how much you like some things until they've gone eh?