Sickest thing on TV - evuh

Cheaters.

Sick.

I had to turn it off. Wrong on so many levels, but mainly the sickos that thought / think this is good tv. I don't know the presenters name - I can think of a few but they'd get me shut down forever.

Annoying habits

Everyone has worked with coworkers annoying habits. Normally they are the most frightful people that make your work day hellish.

I have an unusual siuation. I have one that is usually very talented and does a very good job despite two very annoying habits.

He's programmer and is bloody good. I speak to the clients in human, find out what they want, convert it to nerd talk, tell him, and he delivers. It saves me doing the actual programming myself cos i'm busy working on all the more exciting stuff such as snoozing in the secret office.

His annoying habits are getting worse though. One used to be interupting everything I said with "Yeah, I know". This haas now become so severe he appears to have no other vocab left:

Me: "Morning mate! How are ...."
Him: "Yeah, I know"
Me: "Ummm, ok. How did you get on with last weeks project? Did you sort..."
Him: "Yeah, I know"
Me: "I fucked three chicks last nig...."
him: "Yeah, I know"

The only way he can communicate is if he starts the conversation. See the above if I walk in maintaining silence:

Him: "Morning mate! How are you?"
Me: "Pretty good mate, I...."
Him: "Yeah, I know"
Me: [teeth grind, remain silent]
Him: "Last weeks project went well, I only had one slight problem i couldn't sort"
Me: "Well done! What was the bit that you couldn't ...."
Him: "Yeah, i know"
etc
etc
etc

I now only communicate with him via email.

BUT. He has another habit.

Tossing oranges.

Not tossing as in wanking, but throwing. When he's deep in thought (Trying to think of verbal human talk other than "Yeah, I know" no doubt) he leans back in his chair and throws an orange upwards almost high enough to touch the ceiling-but-not-quite and then catches it. Then repeats. About five or six times in a row, then puts it down and gets back on with his work.

I wish I could lower the ceiling by 2 inches so next time he does it he shatters the fucing thing over his workstation.

As you can tell, I find his [can't think of word] annoying, but i honestly like the guy.

Today though, i got stressed and he added to my annoyance. Sorry. I turned to him and said..... :( .........

You realise I could replace you with a fucking tape recording and a fucking orange on a piece of elastic?

I went for a smoke to chill and then apologised of course. I told him I was actually really pleased with his work and that i'd try to be more tolerant in future.

The fuck-wit threw an orange in the air, caught it, smiled and said "Yeah...I know"

Being Social

I has exciting times ahead. My bro is coming to visit! He's going to come and see Aus for the first time in November!



How exciting! I can't wait until he gets of his arse and actually books the fight. Once he gives me the flight number I'll be proper stoked. Then I'll be able to call Brisbane airport security and tell them that passenger X arriving on flight ABC has half a kilo of crack cocaine up his arse.



It will be very funny.



So, that's November. In December i'll pop over to Europe for family Kritmas stuff and return in January. An old school friend is visiting in late January. In Feb the parental units are visiting for a month. In March lil sis is visiting again with family. April, May and June will be recovery quarter then i'll fuck off somewhere in July for a few weeks.



How easy is that? The next 12 months all planned out. Awesome.

The lunch saga

The lunch I take to work is pretty predictable. Generally it consists of a banana, an apple, a mandy, some tuna with chopped cuce and tom, and a couple of rice crackers. It sounds a lot but the fruit are snacks for grazing.

Last week I got a craving for wraps. Yes. My work life is very exciting. On the way home I stopped at the supermarket and bought some lebanese breads which were large squares (30x30cm) of wafer thin bread.

Brisbane were playing Melbourne at footy that night so naturally I had to show my support by cracking a long neck or two. Or 5.

After we won I decided to make lunch ready for the next day. The wrap, packed with seasoned tuna, salad and shredded tasty looked pretty impressive. I tried to wrap it with cling film. But the cling film was only 35cm wide which resulted in me using what seemed, and probably was, 2m to completely wrap it, including the ends so the filling wouldn't fall out.

Surprisingly I didn't actually think here was anything strange about this and managed to wedge it into the fridge. I didn't even think it was odd as i crammed it into my bag and went to work in the morning.

It was only at lunch time I felt a total dick pulling this huge thing from my bag and spending 10 minutes trying to unwrap it and consume it in a dignified fashion. Then I had the wonderful idea - "Tonight I'll cut it in half before trying too wrap it" Genius. you caan tell I'm paid for my tremendous brain power can't you? It's true. That's why i'm so poor.

Anyhoo, next day I take in the same thing, but neatly cut and neatly packaged. I unwrap, and pick up one. Unknown to me, the bread bonds with itself rather well. As I picked one up and tried to grab a bite while the idiot on the phone was rebooting his PC it tried to hold onto it's comrade. This resulted in the other roll rapidly unrolling and showering my desk with tuna, salad and shredded tasty.

After a few choice expletives I came up with another cunning plan. "Tonight I'll wrap them seperately. " Another stroke of pure genius.

The following day work decided to grace us with free lunch. So my wraps went in the bin.

I repeated the experiment that night and I'm pleased to report that on Friday I actually managed to have my wraps without any form of embarrasment or disaster. This concludes the exciting lunch saga.

Don't complain, I didn't force you to read it did I?

girl

I have a rather blunt question. And I'm honestly sorry that my gay male readers will find this revolting. Please, leave now if you're feeling queasy about girl private bits. To scare off any hesitants, may i make it a little clearer - VAGINA'S Run away!

Right. So.

I've been sexually active a fair while now and I've noticed this: From my first experience, in 1990, girls have fur on their rude bits and so do boys. Luckily it's not designed to be like velcro fur. That would be painful and embarrassing all around.

My first serious gf used to trim hers into pretty shapes all the time but it was mainly still a furry zone. My first 'girl on the side' didn't trim at all and i confess i found the difference was stimulating. But then, i found her stimulating before i even made this discovery.

I'd like to make note at this point that around 6 girls i'd played "hide the sausage" with had all been similarly furred below.

And thus it continued for a few years

Then I met tt. That's too recent to comment upon, but after her i met another aussie girl and was shocked (and not displeased) to find she'd shaved underneath. And the next. And the next. Three aussie girls in a row all shaved.

Then got lucky with a pom and guess what? Yep, shaved. Then another pom, then another aus. All trimmed to bald.

I was off the scene for a bit while i was with tt, so i need to know - did fashion change? Or is it just coincidence that before her all my girls were furry and after they're all bald?

If it IS fashion, then how do you spread the word that No hair is the new black? Is there a magazine I've not seen? "Beaver Styles Monthly"? "Twat Shavers Weekly"? "Front Bum Shavers Daily"?

I'm curious. Comments please. Oh, and if you're cute, photographed examples too......

Happy hump day y'all

Today I had to leave work early. Why? Cos my neighbour called to tell me my house was flooding. Yikes.

I rushed home to find no drama and neighbour sat on my deck. The explanation? She's scored a new job and wanted to celebrate. She thought I was on speaker - phone, potentially with bosses or clients so she made up a story.

Thanks love. (Whats the keyboard shortcut / emoticon for "Dripping sarcasm"?)

I has two stories for you though, 1 is about the evolving lunch which i cant tell in completiness until tomoz.

The other is about bacteria and my very own sis doubting my sanity.

Oh, and a random from the past about a posh fuck and a tent.

3 exciting stories! Well, I hope that keeps you all in suspensders and check back in a day or two for more info.

Sweet dreams.......

Carol

Which came first? The name Carol or the term "Christmas Carol?"

Am I speaking another language?

I walked into work to find a guy from another department waiting by my desk, he was a project planner person from project planning people dept. We exchanged greeting and then he asked me a stange question:

"What's the easiest language to learn?"

Hmmm. Being a computer nerdy type i assumed he meant programming language so I said

" It's more important to understand the principles of programming, the theories and intricacies of how your language will be processed by the machine. And then of course it depenends on your goal, the application of your writing. Some languages are good all-rounders, some are great for fast math, some are only used for internet programming, or in my case, database programming. Your question is way to vague I'm afraid"

He pondered and then asked "But what''s an EASY language?"

Growing rapidly bored I said "Try BASIC or Pascal" (Which are computer languages almost like human talk that i could teach to a 5 year old. I know this isn't an exagerration cos i was using it by age 7, self taught, so i could certainly teach it to a kid of that age.

It transponded he had decided to by one of those Teach Yourself, Listen and Repeat Language CDs. It had always been his ambition to learn a foreign language and someone had told him to ask me as being a pom i would know more about languages than others in an aussie office.

I patiently explained again that his question was dumb:

me: "You really need a purpose to learn a language before choosing one"

PP: "Well, I just want an easy one"

me: "Look, if you're researching the roman empire, Latin would help. If you want to read russian classics, dutch will be useless. If you want to expand the business into china then spanish wont be overly useful. Please, give me a clue what you're trying to achieve?"

PP: "Which is easiest?"

me: "Look, all are different! Urdu is easy to speak but tough to read or write. Welsh can be easy to understand aurally but damn tough to speak or read. Latin is great to read and write if you are good at following rules and logic. You cannot just ask someone for an easy language!"

PP: "Well..... I've actually booked a cruise of the greek islands with like, 15 stops on different islands. I don't know what language is spoken on any of them so I figured if I learnt one language there'd be a chance of being able to use it on at least one of the islands"

me: [pauses and waits for him to show he's joking]

....
....
.... [waits]
....

me: "Umm, you DO realise they'll all speak Greek dont you?"

PP: "Greek? I always thought the expression 'Ít's all Greek to me' meant that it was a mix of lots of languages because there are so many islands?"

me: [sighs] "Ay gamsou mate, Ay gamsou....."

I hope you enjoyed the rest

someone, who shall remain nameless, guilt tripped me.

It was a Visious, Old, Bitter, Unrepetant, Queen. Lets call him Vobuq.

This person bitched at me for not blogging, and it wasn't alone. Several others (ok, just one, just her, just me) partook in the bitching.

What is wrong with your lives that you need to hear about mine?

Rhetorical people, rhetorical. I'm srsly not interested. Unless I read your blog. In which case i already know.

So yes, I'm still alive. My neighbour is being chased by the ATO (IRS) or similar, we're having a car graffitti war, my parents are in Africa, My job has changed, TT is blogging again, saw S today, got a new mega cute lappy, other than that, just nothing to blog about....

Back soon peoples.

PS. Pls help yourself to an insult as you leave:

Cuntface
Fuckwit
Wanksplat
Cocksack
turdburgler
bellend
scrotscratcher
fartbreath (for the girls)
shitbrains
knobhead
dicknose
cumdrizzle
Arsefeatures


After all, i have a reputation to retain. You're welcome sweat balls/flaps....