South America update

Yep. It´s still there. Believe me, I know it´s still about. Here´s an update: Please excuse how brief it is, I´ve not got much internet time. This will bring you up to speed on the first couple of days:

Monday 26/02/07
This morning our tour was due to start proper. Ie., We got to see our tour coach-bus for the first time and also go somewhere. Firstly though we had to finish packing our stuff. As I done mine last night I went out onto the balcony to watch life go by as TT finished hers.

The building directly opposite the hotel is in a state. Its almost a complete wreck. There are bits falling off it, rusty scaffolding, broken windows, peeling paint, the lot. I'll post a piccie when I get back. But guess what made me laugh?

This morning a guy who obviously works in the building was using one of those industrial floor buffing things to try and shine up the pavement outside. I just found that amusing.

We went to an oasis in the desert called Huacachina oasis. We rode sand dune buggies. Excellent fun.

We had the chance to try sandboarding and I'm really sorry to admit I didn't partake. I was wearing jeans rather than shorts and didn't fancy the rest of the day with sand irritating my boy bits.

In the avo we went to a winery and got a guided tour. We then had a taster session which was genourous to say the least. We decided to buy a couple of bottles because it seemed unfair that the owners should give us a free tour, free tasters and then get nothing from it.

Having bought the wine (it was very cheap!) we got back on the bus at which point the tour leader asked us each for $20 to cover the cost of the tour. Bah! Don't even like wine that much, I only bought it because I thought they were getting nothing! Bastard tour leader...

We drove a couple of hours to Pisco where the hotel was superb. Very nice. The town itself was very poor though and most people can´t afford cars so they adapt motorcycles to carry extra passengers, goods and stuff like that.

Tues 27/02/07
TT woke up about 4am this morning with a sever case of travel illness. She spent most of the rest of the night in the bathroom. I felt really sorry for her as she hates being tired, and was pretty much falling asleep in there but unable to come out. My poor girly.

She proved to be amazingly brave though, because although she couldnt even face any breakfast she came with us to the port and caught a speed boat to the Ballestas islands where we could see sea lions, dolphins, and loads of rare birds. The guide was excellent.

We then drove to Nascar which took about 3 hours. As we approached we stopped at a tower that's been built to enable those scared of light planes or flying to see some of the Nascar lines from a little height. Honestly, from the ground you can't see a thing.

The tower climb only cost 1sol and even though we were planning to do the flight we done that too. It was a good whetter for the appetite of seeing them properly.

The flight itself was amazing. Got some great photos. I couldn't go with TT, the planes are very small 5 seaters and the group got split down the middle across two planes. Despite the fact she was feeling really ill she managed to do this activity too.

As my plane was taxi-ing down the runway the door to my right opened for no reason. The pilot began to accelerate and I had to tap him on the shoulder to get him to abort take off. He shouted Spanish through his radio, laughed at me a bit and then someone came running across the runway with gaffer tape to secure the door.

OK. There was no gaffer tape, but I wish there had been. The bloody door had just swung open for no reason!

The flight was not for the light hearted. The pilot hardly held onto the controls at all and several times as he turned around to try and point out the next icon we'd spot the plane would go into dive or climb or a spin. Luckily he never managed to roll it.

I had great fun even though I held on to my seat belt like grim death incase my door decided to open again.

None of the controls on the instrument panel worked by the way. Even the compass was jammed at SSW. Not a single thing.

When we landed I spotted TT and ran over to see if she{d enjoyed it as much as me. She was a greyish green colour and looked at me with big baby eyes and uttered: " I'm 95% dead and 5% not sure..... "

After a few minutes recovery we got back on the coach and headed for our next hotel. I'm here as I write this and it's amazing. Here's a link. Dead posh hotel in desert...

Have fun all, will post again soon.

First post from the land of Peru

Sorry for a few days with no updates. The time has been spent working (until the last moment, literally), packing and flying around the world expecting to meet myself coming the other way.

Here´s a summary of how the next 3 weeks will be spent: (In addition to searching for internet access and cursing spanish keyboards with bloody symbols in all the wrong places...)

Day 1, 25/2/07 – Begin Lima (Peru)
Day 2, 26/2/07 – Drive to Pisco, L
Day 3, 27/2/07 – Ballestas Islands, Nazca, L
Day 4, 28/2/07 – Nazca flight, PuertoInca, L
Day 5, 1/3/07 – Drive to Arequipa, L
Day 6, 2/3/07 – Arequipa
Day 7, 3/3/07 – Drive to Colca Canyon, stay Chivay, L
Day 8, 4/3/07 – Drive to Cuzco, L
Day 9, 5/3/07 – Cuzco
Day 10, 6/3/07 – Cuzco
Day 11, 7/3/07 – Cuzco
Day 12, 8/3/07 – Sacred Valley, Pisac, overnight Ollantaytambo
Day 13, 9/3/07 – Inca Trail trek, LD
Day 14, 10/3/07 – Inca Trail trek, BLD
Day 15, 11/3/07 – Inca Trail trek, BLD
Day 16, 12/3/07 – Machu Picchu, train to Cuzco, B
Day 17, 13/3/07 – Puno via Sillustani Ruins, L
Day 18, 14/3/07 – Amantaní Island, LD
Day 19, 15/3/07 – Boat via Taquile back to Puno, B
Day 20, 16/3/07 – Drive via Tiahuanaco to La Paz (Bolivia), L
Day 21, 17/3/07 - Finish La Paz
B=Breakfast included
L=Lunch included
D=Dinner included
• Accommodation: 16 nights in hotels, 3 nights camping on the Inca Trail1 night with local Indians (very basic)

Sounds pretty cool eh? And of course we allowed a day or two on each end of the tour to explore the starting and ending cities.

So far we´ve been here 24 hours, excluding all flights and transits and I´ve managed to get in trouble with LA airport security, annoy my travelling companinions with my ability to sleep anywhere and total lack of jetlag, and explore Lima relatively well.

This morning I was up about 5am and watching the locals go about their business. Everyone is either a cleaner or security person it would seem. Every building has a doorman and it´s own street cleaner. It´s extremely poor and we´ve only seen 3 other white people, including the people staying in the hotel.

More later folks, be good.

Happy Valentines everyone. And GRRRRRR!

I'm annoyed. I'm angry.

This will be very brief. Wasn't planning on posting but I'm still a bit too annoyed to go to bed.

Had a great valentines, will post details tomorrow. Ruined by what was supposed to be the highlight: A cruise on the river with v good dinner.

What a crock of shit. Should have known when I tried to book it and after emailing several times I ended up walking to the booking office at the other end of the city to buy tickets.

The food was shit, the service was shitter, the music would have been painful even to a deaf person. Tried three different toilets, none had soap, one had a working hand dryer.

As we left we all had to step over an evil smelling pipe that was draining the sewerage tanks.

Hmmmmm. For those of you that like my "Angry emails of complaint" (I'm looking at you Mr Vuboq) you're in for a treat tomorrow. I'll create the email once I've calmed down a little. Then post it to them, the paper, the brisbane news, the entertainment guys of the local radio station, and here.

Sorry for being a whingin' bitch, I just hate being ripped off. I could have bought TT a really nice dinner with $300 and now I feel guilty for taking her somewhere so shit.

I feel better for this confined explosion. Thank you all for putting up with me. Especially Heidi from 2 cents. The poor girl has had to suffer almost daily emails from me recently because...well, because. That's what happens if you talk to me / email me. I wouldn't advise it! But thanks to all the people that have contacted me recently, really appreciate it.

Chili related nonsense

Now, my apologies this has taken a couple of days to get around to Mr Vuboq, but at last the chili related news:

As some of you may be aware I'm not really one for recipes and quantities, so here's what you need:















Incase you have trouble identifying anything these are:
Mince meat
Pepper (capsicum)
Garlic
Spring onions
Onion
chilies
chili powder
Paprika
salt
chili sauce (Eg. Tabasco)
Beef stock cube
mushrooms
tin tomatoes
tin kidney beans

Notes on ingredients
Don’t get prime or top quality mince! Chili benefits from a bit of fat
I'll probably only use half of the pepper shown, the rest of the quantities are pretty appropriate.

Although it makes no real difference to the taste I prefer to use a red pepper as the redder the whole concoction is, the more the subconscious associates it with heat.
I've leant a little heavily on the onions, this is because onion is so good as absorbing flavour and adding texture.

How to make it
combine all ingredients in your fave chili pan. Cook. Ta da!




















How to make it (properly)
It's not essential but it's easier to cook if your ingredients are prepared so dice the onion, spring onion and pepper. Finely chop the garlic, as fine as you can. Make a couple of holes in the lid of the kidney beans and place it upside down in the sink to drain. Put a splosh of olive oil in the chili pot and place on stove top on a medium high setting. When hot add the onion, garlic and mince. Move around with a wooden spoon until the pinkness has gone:



Warm up the chili - Add about a heaped teaspoon of paprika. Mix well. When it's thoroughly mixed add chili powder (I used about a level tablespoon). Mix very well again. Add the chopped pepper. Cook for a couple of minute then add half the tomatoes. If you add them all at once you'll cool the mixture and stop the cooking. Mix well. Add half the beans. Mix well. When it's bubbling again add rest of tomatoes followed by the beans. Crumble the stock cube in the empty tomato can. Add about 1" of boiling water. Add some salt and Tabasco (This ensures it's well distributed through the mixture. Stir and then add to the chili.

Now add the real heat. Throw in the chili peppers. I use lethal little ones, about 15 or so. Chuck them in whole, stalks and all. Allow the mixture to bubble for about half an hour to 40 minutes stirring occasionally. Do not cover, you want to lose the water as steam. Turn off the chili and leave for a few hours. I tend to leave it on the stove top so that it continues to get the heat until the stove has cooled down.

By now it should look something like this:



Advice: Try and submerge the chilies while it's "fermenting". You want them flavouring the dish, not floating around like flotsam.

About 40 minutes before you're ready to eat turn the stove on low/medium. Chop the mushrooms and spring onion and add to the chili. Warm gradually to boiling point. Serve.

This chili will burn you twice. Once now and again in the morning. You may wish to place a roll of toilet paper in the freezer as preparation. It also recovers very well from freezing so put any leftovers into containers and into the freezer.

Notes and stuff
I like chili hot (does it show?!) but you can of course make it milder by a) Using a milder variation of chili pepper (General rule, the smaller the hotter), b) less or no chili powder

If you make a mild chili either by design or accident NEVER try to spice it up by adding chili powder just before you serve. Chili powder needs to cook, adding it at the end of the cook time is no good. If you really want to pep it up you can get away with adding chili sauce or Tabasco.

If you make the chili too hot then adding salt helps to ease it, but only if you've gone slightly over

If the spice burns your mouth don't bother gulping at water, chili is not soluble in water. Eating a piece of banana or cucumber will help though.

This recipe doesn't involve chopping the chilis, but if you're cooking something else that does, be careful when you go for a pee. And of course, don't rub your eyes. This is another reason for prepping the onions before you start with the chilis!

You can't really overcook a chili. If you've got longer, leave it longer. Also, once the desired texture is reached you can put it covered in the oven if you want

If you are going to use the over and you've got time to cook for a few hours then cook at a low temperature and use finely chopped beef rather than mince. It's great.

Serving suggestions
With rice, pitta or baked potato. Simple green salad, grated cheese always goes well. Beer.

Drama at work

This weekend I partook in Mr Vuboqs first annual chili-fest. And much fun was had by all. But firstly I must tell you about this.

As any regular reader will know I'm currently working in a different office to the usual one. I've been sent to a satellite office and life here is much better fun than at the HQ. But I still have to visit HQ once a week or so, and I'm still part of the email group. Today I received an email that had been sent to all staff. Here's what it said:

"To: All staff at XX office
Re: Security alert
Priority: Critical

Dear All,

Recently one of our staff at YY office [about 1400km away] took some time off work due to stress and nerve problems. His condition has since worsened and over the weekend he called several senior managers of that office and threatened them with extreme violence. The man claims to be armed with a hunting rifle and a pistol. These threats were taken seriously and the police have been informed. Additionally, security guards have been hired to patrol the building and grounds.

This however has unsettled the man further and he has since communicated wishes to kill or injur as many company employees as possible. He has also intonated that he is on his way to our Brisbane office. Again, we have notified the police and hired guards to patrol this building and grounds.

Until the man is captured we urge all employees to be extremely vigilant in ensuring that all doors and windows are locked. We also recommend spending as little time outside the building as possible. Police have notifed airport staff but there is a strong possibility that he could drive. Please see attached photographs of the employee and his last known vehicle.

If you are approached by this man or sight him please notify police immediately and also the manager of this office.

Finally, we thank you for your tolerance and remind you that this man is ill. Our priority is the protection and safety of all staff while encouraging the individual to undertake appropriate medical treatment and rehab.

Yours,


HR Officer"

Hmmm. Not a very normal thing to happen is it? And guess who was scheduled to visit HQ today? Yep, of course it would be me wouldn't it? I sent an email saying that I wouldn't be there because I'm looking forward to my holiday too much to be shot today - it'll just have to wait until I come back.

'tis the day of weirdos

Israeli man
Things have been really relaxed at the office this week. Well, since I started really, but now it's getting so laid back it's close to horizontal. I realised I'd done nothing about the double charge for TTs dress so the manager kind-of-person here just told me to go to the Bank, Myer Centre, or wherever I needed to to get it sorted. So I did. Went to the bank first and they told me to go to the Myer centre. As I was walking through the mall, I was suddenly grabbed by an Israeli man:

IM: [Grabs my shoulder] "You sir! I have free thing for you to try!"

Me: [Glares] "I'm on my way work! I'm late!" (Yeah, I lied)

IM: "Oh, you work, the stress. You need some time with the dead sea"

Me: [Thinks - aaah. Some free holiday con] "Been there, done that"

IM: "That's perfect, did you swim in the sea?"

Me: "Yep"

IM: "So you know it's 80% minerals and that's probably why Jesus walked on it?"

Me: "Ummm"

IM: "I have here some minerals from the dead sea, hold out your hand"

Me: [Holds out hand]

Im: [shakes some sort of powder stuff all over my hands] "Ladies and Gentlemens! Look, This young man will demonstrate the wonderful powers of these minerals!"

Me: "eh?"

Im: "These minerals have wonderful healing properties! Jesus walked on this sea! Healing! Power! Blah Blah" [he went on for about two minutes while rubbing the stuff into my hands] "And now 'ere I 'ave {yep, he turned french} some water straight from the Dead Sea! I will spray it onto the young mans hands and he will feel the change!"

Me: "You're gonna what with what? And I'm gonna what?!"

Crowd: [titters]

Im: [Squirt, Squirt] (with a bottle I hasten to add)

Me: "Eeeeeewww! It's gone all slimey!"

Im: "How does that feel? Tell us!"

Me: "It's made my hands feel ultra greasy and slimey. It's disgusting. And I smell like a transvestite. Do you have a towel please?"

Crowd: [Laughs and instantly begins to dissipate]

Im: "You want to buy some?"

Me: [Glares]


Anti smoking fat man
I was having a smoke in a carpark outside work. A hugely obese man wheezed up to me and said "Smokings not allowed at this end of the car park. You have to go to the other end" I wouldn't have minded if I was in the wrong, but I'm a very considerate smoker. I almost never smoke in public, only in very open places such as carparks. And I was at the correct end, he was directing me to the end near the gates of the school where smoking is banned for obvious reasons. I was done anyway so I walked off. But I was then reminded of that quote by some famous comedian. I don't remember who it was but I remember some comedian saying something like "Where's it going to end? I never go up to a fat person in the street and say, 'Hey! Stop eating that donut, it's not acceptable in public!'"


Green girl
I went to the store and bought a few things to help cook dinner (Ingredients, not slaves). I only had a couple of items. The girl on check out asked if I wanted a bag and I said no, because they would fit in my back pack. She responded with "That's wonderful! Thank you so much! I'll tell Mother Earth and she'll be thankfull too!"

You get some strange people eh?

Curse you, unreachable lights

Something a little spooky happened tonight. I popped down to the local corner shop to buy TT a bag of lollies and as I got close I was still smoking a cigarette. So I paused under a street lamp outside a closed restaurant. The lamp went out. I didn't touch the post in any way. Not that odd in itself huh? Except, last time I came here and done the same thing, ie., stopped to view the closed restaurants menu, the same thing happened. Get ready with the eerie music.

I bought the lollies and then headed home. As I walked in the gate and into the door of the house the outside light went pop, leaving the rainforest in darkness. Bah. And it's really high up. Even if I stacked the garden chairs on top of the garden table I still wouldn't be able to reach it.

I went indoors to tell TT about it and guess what happens? Bloody kitchen light goes pop. Would be that one wouldn't it? After all, it's possibly the only one thats even higher than the outdoor one. Bastard. It's going to take some ingenious risky stuff to fix these. I'll have to plan....

Pigs and breaking people

I've never been much of a TV show fan other than the Simpsons and a few other more obscure British comedies but Aus does have a couple of good ones. A few weeks ago they begun a series called "Australian Princess" where a group of 'typical' aussie girls were chosen to participate in a challenge culmanating in going to a Ball in the UK with a prince. When I say 'typical' aussie girls, most of these were chosen because the producers could tell they'd make great viewing.

There was Kylie (you'd never guess would you?) who was a proper boganette. She was way up there, yelling "G'Day Mate!", belching, farting, drinking beer and doing all that sort of stuff.

There was a dimwit, there were some ugly ones, there were some boring ones, and most importantly (to me) there was a Pig Farmer. Her name was Kate and she was butt ugly. I always have trouble with names but I was a real fan of this girl, I thought she was so funny. Because I couldn't remember her name (I had to look it up to write this!) I just called her "Pig". I'd cheer "Go Pig!" whenever she was talking. TT found this most amusing and we both immediately christened the show "Pig Princess". However, this is one of those habits that has stayed. We now refer to most shows through the use of Pigs somehow. "Border Patrol" is "Border Pigs", "Serious Crash Unit, or SCU" is now "Crash Pigs", etc.

So, the brand new series of Austrlians "Biggest Loser" started last night. You can imagine what we've called it can't you? Incase anyone doesn't know, "Biggest Loser" is a challenge where 14 overweight people are chosen to stay in a house together for a month or so and they are professionally everyday to get them to lose weight. It's not all exercise, there's also food education and challenges. The teams winning the challenges get treats and the others get punished. Each week the teams have to vote someone out of their own team, so to stay in every person must do their best to lose weight. It's a great show.

Well, I got to work this morning and someone asked me whether I watched any TV last night. I instantly replied "Yeah! New series of Fat Pigs! It was great!" After a split second initial shock period during which I realised what I'd said there was hoots of laughter from all around the office. I tried to explain but there was no chance. I'm sure it will be forever known as "Fat Pigs" to everyone in this office now. I have a Legacy...

Anyhoo, one of the personal trainers on Fat Pigs is really funny. She works the guys and gels so hard. Last night she had one guy on a treadmill until he was spewing. She just dragged him over to a plant pot and said "You. Spew in there, it's just the toxins coming out of your system. When you're done spewing get back on that treadmill, ok? I'm off to break another one..."

I'm very much in that mood today. Basically the techy nerds from the other building done something after I left on Friday that stopped the database working properly. So, inspired by the words of Fat Pig Trainer, "I'm off to break someone..."

Ooops I did it again...

TT is angry with me. I don't know why really. I'll tell you about what happened over the weekend and if anyone would like to offer comments / questions you're more than welcome.

On Friday I was mega busy at work. We tried to release an update of the database and it didn't go as smoothly as planned. Martin and Paul were throwing their dummies at one another and arguing over who had the biggest collection of used bus tickets or something. I ignored them and tried to work around them and then they ganged up on me. Not wise. I got my bit of the job done just as they started trying to tie me down in red tape.

Paul: "You can't do that! It's not passed Testing Form 23RT4ZY Part ii!"

Me: "Give me the form, I'll sign it"

Paul: "But are you authorised?"

Me: "Sure. Go find your form"

Martin: "We cannot issue you a Form 23RT4ZY Part ii until you've completed Part i!" [sneers triumphantly]

Me: "Fetch me both forms, I'll sign them, and then I'm going for a beer. Run along now"

Paul: "Ooooooh! You've enabled the gateway authentication on the citrix controller box!"

Me: "Would I? I don't even like orange juice. Besides, that's your problem, not mine. I've done my task"

I was waiting for them to go and fetch teacher when my phone rang. It was TT asking if I minded her going out with her friend to another friends house tonight. I said that was fine. I hoped she was coming home first as she knew the night before and that morning I'd been preparing to make her favourite dinner and if my oven programming was correct it would in fact be cooking by now. I didn't mention it though because I needed to get off the phone to stop the geek war.

I went home, dinner was doing well. We ate, TT went out with her friend. I went out on my own, I'm fine with that. I must admit I had a fairly outrageous time but that's for later, no one that knows me knows anything about that so it's not part of this story. I got back about 2am because TT usually gets home about 3am.

I sat outside and listened to the radio and chilled until she got home. At 5am. I didn't mind. Sure, I was worried about her being gone so long, but I knew she was with trustworthy friends so I just sat and waited. We went to bed. I got up at about 10am and I knew she wouldn't surface for at least a few hours so I headed out.

I also decided (slightly childishly I guess) that I would go back later this avo, grab some sleep to catch up and then go out to the same place I went last night again. About 3pm I got an SMS saying "You could have left a note saying where you are". Nothing else. No asking where I was, no Love You, and I'd not even done my childish thing yet!

As planned I went home and set my alarm for 9pm. TT hadn't spoken to me once since my return. I'd said to her "Sorry I didn't leave a note, I figured you'd call me when you woke up?" to which she hadn't responded. I fell asleep about 5pm, woke up at 9, washed, went out. TT didn't ask where I was going or what I was doing.

The place was crap compared to the previous night so I headed home about midnight. She was already in bed asleep. But she had done the washing up for the first time in several weeks which pleased me. In fact, it had only been earlier that week that I'd mentioned that doing all the shopping, preparation, cooking, serving, washing up, cleaning, washing, drying, ironing, bins, etc myself was a tad unfair and that it would be nice to hear a "Thank you" occasionally. (She'd responded with "Well, you should stop wiping my arse for me then" which kind of made sense)

On sunday we got up, I thanked her for doing the washing up. She muttered a response. We got showered and went to do the shopping. That went fine, we chatted normally. When we got back home she dropped the dreaded line "We need to talk".

She then went on to tell me that she's not overly happy with our relationship and that it doesn't seem right. She said we should do the South America thing and then consider some time apart upon return. After some silence, some conversation, some tears, we somehow ended up making love.

The rest of the day passed as normal.

I'm writing this in retrospect of course, it was a few days ago now, so I've had some time to consider. I still have no idea. If she's serious about splitting up when we come back from South America then I'd rather not go. I'd rather stay here and earn money for an extra 4 / 5 weeks.

I've decided that hopefully it was just a pent up emotion thing, we have been seeing no one other than one another for a long time now and even I can find that frustrating. We're both in need of a holiday. We've always had wonderful times travelling together before so I don't want this to be any different.

I've doubled my efforts at getting fitter for the South American thing. Situps and push ups at 5am every morning, lots of activity around the house and in the garden. Shifting furniture for no reason other than to clean. No alcohol. Etc.

Since that day we've not mentioned it and I really hope that we will have such a great time together in SA that we don't mention it again. We've planned Valentines since, we're going on a river cruise, but more of that later too.

All I can do is be the best person I can, myself, from now until we get back from South America. If after over a month of being together and travelling she feels that there's a problem then I'll have to make the ultimate sacrifice and set her free. Even though just typing it is making me very emotional. I'll cross the bridge if I come to it, for now I pray we wont. But for now, I'll practise as I preach - don't be afraid, regret and worry are wasted emotions, don't ever lose a challenge if it means something to you....And as you're all aware, this particular girly doesn't mean something, she means everything to me. That means I'll do anything.

The real life Dilbert - but unfunny.

The project I'm working on is a partnership with another company. They have their main offices in a building across the street from the one I work in. That's where all of their IT gurus sit and do nerd stuff all day. OK, I may be an IT person but I'm not a nerd. My views on nerdism are similar to my views on senile dementia: I feel sorry for people when I see them suffering from it, sometimes I have to hide a smile, snigger or even laughter at their antics.

I like to make it clear to everyone that meets me that if I ever start becoming a nerd in public, or sufffering from senile dementia then I'd like to be shot.

Their building has a whole floor of them. It's like a scene from Shaun of the Dead when you get out of the elevator. Emotionless pale faces look up from the computer screens. You scan faces in the phosphorous pool of light and see an occasional eye twitch as they recognise a human. In their domain! A few jaws fall slowly open as all thought process is dedicated to working out what this human is doing coming to them through his own apparent freewill.

I walk over to the desk of the uber-geek...

Me: "Excuse me mate, where can I find Mazza?"

UG: Blank look."Um."

Me: "Apparently he's one of your database guys?"

UG: "Oh. You mean Martin. He's over there" [points at fat guy trying to pull the back off his chair] "He's re-aligning his desk chariot. Ha. Ha."

Me: [feels nervous] "Umm. Oookaaaayyyy. Thankyouverymuchbye"

Martin likes to call himself Mazza because Martin is such a boring name. I like to call him Martin so I did, much to his annoyance. He could speak only in acronyms and starwars quotes. He asked me if I preferred stored procedures or dynamic procedures. I told him I couldn't really give a toss. He took me over to another nerd who had four 17" flat screens linked together to form one giant one. This nerd had a missle launcher than fired foam missiles when you pressed a button on the taskbar.

For fucks sake.

Martin nearly creamed his pants when he saw the missle launchers and demanded a go. But the other nerd wouldn't let him. My mother used to run a nursery school and it was like the times I used to visit her at work. Because Paul wouldn't let Martin have a go with the missile Martin started showing off the gadgets strapped to his belt. He had a personal satellite navigation system, a G3 mobile, a memory stick of huge proportions and a leatherman multi-tool. I was bemused by the navigation system:

Me: "So, when you get in your car that plugs back in does it?"

Martin: "You can connect it to a car, but I don't drive"

Me: "So, how do you get to work?"

Martin: "I walk. Sometimes I take the bus but it's so full most of the time"

Me: [Thinks - a fucking small planet would be 'full' with you on it, ya fat bastard] "Are you new to Brisbane?"

Martin: "I've lived here about 10 years now"

Me: "And you need a navigation system incase you get lost? Isn't the city only about 5 blocks square?"

Martin: "It's not in case I get lost!"

Me: "Oh? So it's for....?" I leave it hanging as he reddens and begins to realise his own nerdiness

I've got to come back here tomorrow and work with these people to install an updated version of the database. Gnaaagh!

Before I leave I notice a young girl, probably about 17 or 18 in the corner of the open plan office hugging a giant fluffy garfield which is almost the same size as me. Then I notice she's sobbing into it. I guess it's probably her first day and she's just realised she's signed a contract that will effectively end her social life. Poor thing.