Health and Safety/OHS/Kiss my arse

OK. We all know health and safety is important. Especially in the workplace. Especially if you work in a hazardous environment such as a nuclear power station or a saw-mill.

But when you work in an office is there really need for a dedicated Health and Safety department?

Apparently there is no need. They are inventing work for themselves to remain employed. Today they sent an email to every employee warning us of the dangers and potential legal repercussions of killing a poisonous snake in the workplace.

Um. Yeah. OK. So this is Australia, but I'm in suburban Brisbane. The chances of me discovering a poisonous snake in my filing tray are fairly remote. Unless I really piss off some work colleague with a bad attitude and a skill in handling/subduing/training wild poisonous snakes found miles from here. In all honesty it would be easier for them to just shoot me or something.

And if I did discover aforementioned snake in my filing tray do you think I'd go and refer to the company Health and Safety manual before holding off strangling it to death with my bare fists? Or battering it to death with my keyboard. No. I'd most likely yell "FUCK ME! A FUCKING SNAKE!" and be out of that building before my work colleagues even registered the first word.

So why put up a detailed post about not killing them. They're worried that workers are killing the local wildlife. Yeah, on a building depot maybe, but not in a computer office in Brisbane fucking central!

Here's something else they have:
Yep. It a picture of a sign we have at eye level in the gents urinals. We are supposed to compare the colour of our urine with this chart.

I particularly love the way it says at the bottom "DO YOU PASS THE TEST?" I some pervert going to come in and invigilate this test? I'll kick him in the 'nads if he tries to.

You may have noticed I said this poster is at eye level. I suppose that's where it catches your attention, but I couldn't help but take a different view on this. You can already guess what I'm going to say can't you?

The other day, after going for a pee I walk back into my rather cramped and over occupied office:

Me: "Hey! M, I just got in trouble in the toilets! I've been bloody fired!"

M: "Drama mate! Shit! How d'ya manage that?"

Me: "I accidentally pissed over some guy from Health and Safety"

M: [aghast] "Shit mate! How?!"

Me: "I was trying to measure the colour of my urine by pissing high enough to reach the chart and it kind of went... all over him..."

M: [wide eyed]

Me: [Can't keep straight face anymore]

M: "You're a fucking pommie bastard! I was about to go and do something really unhealthy and unsafe to those bastards if they'd fired you!"

Me: [laughs]

M: "I can't believe no ones actually fucking tried that. I'm going to try next time I see one of them in there"

Me: "Then tell 'em you're off crook because you had to lean so far back you fell of the step or knackered your back?"

M: "Fuck mate! You're a fucking genius! We could get signed off here for fuckin' months!"


Oh. They also produce a whole walls worth of very colourful graphs and pie charts. Honestly, a whole walls worth. I've been trying to get a photo but there's always someone by reception that would think it odd that the new guy is taking photos of the safety records.

If only she would look she would realise that they are of no use at all. They are all completely uncaptioned. It is honestly a whole wall display entitled " Health and Safety Achievements" and nothing but Excel generated graphs, barcharts and pies. With the keys removed. I guess they think visitors and management like to see pretty graphs. That's true.

But then you always get the awkward one like me that will take it to the big boss and say "So, sir. Tell me, I'm working under my own initiative to improve Health and Safety here. I'd like to write a database in my own time. Could you tell me whether the pink piece of pie on this chart is good or bad? It seems to fluctuate year from year? Or is it just the number of Sport and Leisure questions the H&S team got right at the annual company quiz?"

I'll see if I want to stay at the company. If I like it I can figure a way to get H&S budget switched to me and my evil empire building ways. If I don't like it I'll leave them be. Ce sera sera...