i can see right through you, bloody XRay people...

Last week I received an email from the company that are arranging my Visa upgrade. They've thought of another way to extract more money from me. They've decided that I need a full chest XRay which then needs to be couriered down to Melbourne. I checked the whitepages and called the nearest XRay clinic.

Lady on phone: "You need a referral from a doctor"

Me: "Hmmm. I don't think so, I have a Form 160a, a government produced form which tells the radiographer everything he needs to know about the area to be XRayed, type of XRay, etc. There's also a form for him to fill in and sign."

Lady: "I'll go and check"

Me: [waits on hold for 8 minutes]

Lady: "oooh, you're right, we're open from 8.00am but the radiographers don't start until about 9.30"

Me: "Ok, it's a little difficult for me to get time off work, could I make an appointment please?"

Lady: "We only do first come, first served"

Me: "Ok, how about the weekend, are you open then?

Lady: "We are but only the junior and trainee radiographers work then..."

Me: "Oh jeez, I'd rather not be XRayed by the Australian version of Dr Nick so I'll wait and come in next week. Thanks for your help!"

So yesterday I checked with my manager man at work and he said it would be fine to take a couple of hours this morning. So I left the house and caught a bus to the hospital. Mistake #1. Entirely my fault, I got off the bus at the wrong hospital.

I caught a bus back in the other direction and arrived at 9am. Mistake #2. I was pleased I was early as I'd probably be the first seen. Wrong. The waiting room was already filled.

I waited for about an hour and 10 minutes before they asked me to the front desk. Where they told me I needed a doctors referral. Aaagh! I explained that I'd called and upon checking it'd been confirmed that I didn't need a referral. They refused to accept this and told me to go and pay a doctor for a referral.

I had a cunning plan. I knew that on the other side of the city was another XRay clinic and they were completely private rather than being part of the hospital. I thought this may mean they're less "official" so I headed from South Brisbane to North Brisbane and walked into the clinic. I explained what I wanted, showed them the form, my passport, etc. They told me to take a seat and wait.

About 45 minutes later the radiographer emerged and apologised that without a doctors referral he wasn't allowed to perform the XRay. Bah! I asked their advise on getting a referral as quickly as possible. They recommended a local doctor. I took the bus again (4th journey of the day!) to the doctors. They said they could fit me in on Friday. I explained that it was rather urgent and that I only required a signature from the Doctor. She double checked and decided that she could fit me in about half an hour later. I waited in the waiting room and obeyed the sign requesting that mobile phones be turned off or silenced.

I saw the doctor and he signed the paperwork. Took all of ten seconds. I thanked the receptionist for arranging the appointment so promptly and then I left. I caught a bus to the city. Upon arriving I happened to glance at my phone. 8 missed calls. As I was wondering who could be so desperate to talk to me it rang (in silence of course) again. I answered. It was the lady from the doctors surgery. I'd left without paying.

In the UK we don't pay for doctors consultations, in Australia you do. I'd left without paying my $55. I asked if she could post me a bill but she said they really needed payment immediately. I crossed the street and took the bus back again. (Journey 6!) I paid the wench and then took another bus back to the hospital. I waited again for ages and finally got the XRay. There's a section of the form where the radiographer has to witness me sign a box. That's all she has to do, witness me sign and then sign herself.

She obviously has yearnings to be a private investigator or something though because she started demanding proof of my phone number, address, etc. I told her that it said nothing about her verifying the details but she was having none of it. I showed her my Aussie drivers license and my passport. She seemed satisfied with this until she noticed that the postcode on my drivers license is different by one character to the one I'd put on the form. She wanted to know why.

I patiently explained that our house was on the very point where three suburbs meet and depending on which computerised database a company is using makes the difference as to whether our postcode shows as 4006 or 4005. Technically we're 4006 but our neighbours on the other side of the street are 4005. Our mail is a mixture of the two. Anything from the phone or power companies gets sent to 4005, anything from the government is 4006. The cow made me change the address to that it matched my drivers license, write an explanation on a piece of paper and she attached this after making me sign it!

She then told me she needed a passport sized photo of me for their own records. I told her nobody had made me aware of this and she said I wouldn't get my XRay results until I gave them a photo. Grrr! Bus back into the city, went to the photo booth (There's another $14 gone!) and then took my 9th bus of the day back to the hospital. They said it would take about an hour for the results to be ready. I found a pub next door so I went their to read my book as all the old people in the hospital waiting room kept talking at me and breathing their diseases on me. Yuk. And they all smelt of wee.

I went back an hour later and was told it would take another hour. I finally got the results about 5pm and I jumped on the first bus to the post office. They shut as I got there. I came home. I'll have to post them tomorrow. What a bloody dilemma though. 11 bus journeys, $55 for doctor, $14 for pictures, $200 for XRay. The only money I actually enjoyed spending was on the beer at the pub next door to hospital. Thank gods someone built that place! It's been a long day...