The apprentice / trainee bum

When we go to our dance class we have to alight at a station called Park Road (which I habitually call Park Lane - can't help it, just a mistake I make every time)

Park road is a dodgy station. It's invariably populated with bums, druggies, drunks, whores, muggers and various other pleasant types. Basically it's the kind of place you don't want to be after dark unless you know how to look after yourself or you're able to run fast.

Most times we've been to the station it's been unstaffed. I guess they usually close the ticket office after nightfall to protect workers. But on the odd occasion that it has been staffed it's been attended by a pretty young lady. Odd eh? I figure she must have a black belt in origami or something like that otherwise I'm sure we wouldn't walk around the place so confidently.

She always seems so happy and cheerful. She even chats away with the undesirable characters. I think it's her defense mechanism. I think that she comes across as lovely and likeable so that no one tries to do anything nasty to her.

Anyhoo, this is entirely by the by. What I really wanted to tell you about was an amusing character we saw there last time. As TT and I approached the station last time we passed a really scruffy guy talking on his mobile phone. As we approached and passed him his side of the conversation sounded something like:

"Yes. Yes, I know. Yes."
"In the morning if that's ok?"
"Well, I could come back home tonight but tomorrow morning would be much more convenient with me"
"OK, I'll see you then. Bye, Love you"

Pretty unremarkable eh? That's what we thought too.

However, we arrived at the station and dodged the bums as usual. We took a seat on the platform and to our surprise the guy we'd just heard on the phone came staggering into view complete with a miscellaneous bottle wrapped in newspaper and the most unkempt facial hair you've ever seen.

It grew in random clumps from all over his face and most of it was nicotine yellow in colour. His head hair was matted, greasy, and as uncontrollable as drunk chicks watching a male stripper on a hens night party.

He swaggered up to another bum and slurred loudly "I fuckin' told 'er. Ferkin bitsheshs. I'll fucking go 'ome when I wansh to..." The other tramp guffawed and said something completely incomprehensible to normal human beings. The first guy guffawed in return, they swapped bottles and then began a contest which was probably entitled "Who can cough up the most phlegm while talking".

At this point a train turned up so they decided to see how much money they could accost from the alighting passengers. The first guy was particularly good. He had a technique of putting a hand on the persons shoulder and breathing on them while uttering noises until they gave him whatever they had in their hands just to get rid of him. In a matter of seconds before the crowd dissipated he acquired a couple of cigarettes, a bottle of cola and some coins.

He sniffed the coke, looked disgusted and chucked the bottle over his shoulder onto the tracks. He returned to his fellow bum and they rummaged through one anothers pickings. They congratulated one another (one assumes) by clanging bottles and then our train turned up.

I was quite disappointed. I was enjoying studying them. What the hell was going on? Was the first guy a trainee bum? Was he an apprentice tramp? When he's fully qualified will he swap his phone for a bottle of vodka? Will he leave his wife so that he can hassle young girls on the street instead? Will his wife and home be sacrificed for the dizzying luxury of a park bench?

We've got dance class again tonight, I hope he's there.