7 short stories

Coherency Tests
As my home was the emergency department they have certain procedures in place that apply to all patients. One of these is the "three hourly vitals check". It's relatively simple - every three hours (no shock there) a nurse visits and checks the levels in the IV drips, they check the blood pressure, body temperature and take a blood sample for a full count. Then they ask a couple of random questions which constitutes the "coherency test" element. These questions are designed to be simple and their purpose is to show if a patient is becoming confused for any reason. Prime questions are things like "What's your middle name?", "How old are you?", "What colour is that wall?", etc.

This is fine. I can handle such tests. Until I realise that they have no respect for sleep time. I'm a patient person, I take pride in my calmness and my ability to remain unphased by unpleasant things (This doesn't mean I do remain unphased by unpleasant things - sometimes I like to get phased but I can control it if I want to)

But I'm not good at being woken up. I take it badly. And there's nothing worse than being woken up about 3am to get your checks and a ridiculous question. Especially when you don't know the answer to the stupid question. Guess what they asked me? "How long has John Howard been prime minister of Australia?" My grumpy answer summed up my coherence nicely I think: "How the fuck should I know? I'm a pom. I don't even remember who the new pm of UK is. Leave me alone" and I roll over and go back to sleep.

I don't actually remember this incident, the nurse told me about it in the morning. I couldn't tell whether she'd found it funny or not. I hurt myself laughing - that's just such a "me" thing to do.

Being Let Out
On Thursday night they agreed to let me go home for an hour to arrange care for Reg the cockatiel. They were worried about my drip though. By this point my veins were pretty much all used up and they didn't fancy their chances of finding another vien on my return. I suggested they just leave the catheter in place and I could reconnect on my return. The doctor looked at me with a shocked expression and said "But you could put anything in there!"

I gave him "a look" and he shyly mumbled "I'll see you in about an hour." I may have many faults but I was shocked that he thought my first action would be to try and IV random substances into my veins. Idiot.

Old Man
I was kept in the Emergency ward with two other people. An old man and a teen girl. The old man was....well....old. But I was shocked when I heard them do the coherency check on him. They asked his date of birth. He was born in 1914. Wow. I knew he was old, but he just didn't seem that old! His extensive family visited most of the daylight hours and they were all trying to convince him of one thing - to give up driving. Bloody hell. This guy is 93 and he's still driving! Guess why he was in hospital? You got it. He'd rammed another car....

Girl Gets Clap
During another mid-night vital check wake up I was shocked to discover that an earthquake was occurring. Then I realised I'd slightly over reacted and in fact it was the pretty young girl in the bed next to me snoring like a trooper. I told the nurse I'd never be able to get back to sleep again with that noise and asked if there was anything that could be done.

The sighed and said that regretfully there was nothing she could do. She confessed that the noise was driving her nuts too but it was simply not acceptable to wake the girl or try to move her. I accepted this and as soon as the nurse turned her back I clapped my hands as loudly as I possibly could.

The old man swallowed his teeth, the young girl immediately sat bolt upright, I pretended to be asleep and the nurse scurried out as quickly as she could and was heard giggling for the next 10 minutes. In the morning she told me I was evil, giggled and gave me a coffee even though I was on clear fluids only. Whooot!


Scary Surgeon
All the staff were brilliant. With one exception. A surgeon who was about 7ft tall, 3 ft wide and had hands covered in scars. That can't be a good look for a surgeon right? I wasn't sure whether to mentally nickname him Igor, Frankenstein, McBain or Lurch. He was kind of a cross between all of them.

His introduction to me was "Hello. I'm Mr Vatz. I'm a surgeon. This means I like to cut people with my scalpel so I can see what problem they have. Then I stitch them. Lay back"

That's some "bed-side manner" huh?

CAT Scan
I had to sign a disclaimer before having this. It warned me that lots of people get allergic reactions to being injected with radioactive matter. Swollen throat and choking is common, death is rare. Hmmm. That's what you really need to read.

I was wheeled up to the department and left in the corridor for about an hour. Eventually a doc came out and apologised that I'd been waiting so long. The reason? New machine, not sure how it works, we had to test it before we put you in it. Wow. That makes me feel even more confident eh?!

I go in, I'm asked to remove my pants. At that point I realise I'm wearing the most embarrassing pair of cartoon motifed underwear ever. I sheepishly strip and cop the look from the nurse. She's trying not to laugh and shaking with the effort. This is one great experience.

I lay down in front of the big polo and the nurse tests my catheter by trying to push through some saline. No luck. The doc says it's probably clotted and try pushing harder. The nurse says "Wont that push the clot into the vein?" and the Doc says "Yeah, but it's small - it probably wont do any harm"

I'm now feeling doubly confident. Are these guys determined to kill me or what?!

They give up trying to get the catheter to work and decide to put another in. I tell them that most of my veins are used up apart from the ones on the top of my right hand. The doc smiles and says "We're going to be pumping the dye into you at a minimum of 4ml a second. The veins in your hand can't cope with that volume. They'd explode. We need to find one that probably wont rupture"

"Probably"?! Fucking "Probably"?! You'd better search proper pal or I'm gonna be seriously pissed off! Exploding veins are really not what I need today! He senses my concern and goes for the jugular. Almost literally. He jabs a needle into the side of my neck.

I'm then given the warning that when they inject I'll have a metal taste in my mouth followed by a warm flush and the sensation I've pissed myself. Hmmm. There's something else to look forward to - these CAT scans are FUN FUN FUN eh?

To be honest, it was fine. Didn't really feel a thing. If you ever need to have one, don't be phased, it's cool really.

Food To Go
When I got told by the docs I could leave it was the same time that the care staff were coming around taking food orders. I ordered variety of sandwiches and waited for them to arrive before stuffing them in my bag and leaving. This was proof to myself I was truly better. Taking advantage of any situation to be a tight arse on a mission for value.

World, brace ya self, I'm back.