Germany is cool. And the horses have big willies...

I got picked up at 8 this morning. The breakfast was good. Last time I was here (this very same hotel, unsurprisingly, it's the only one in Cella) I didn't get to try it - because I was accompanied by an alcoholic who dragged me out both of the two nights we were here. The result was that the first morning I was too hung over to get up in time for brekky, the second night I wasn't at the hotel, I was in a German prison.

The guy that picked me up this morning was the same guy that picked me up last time I was here. He told me that the last time our company sent people over it was "a fat (but funny) bastard and an alcoholic that stank of booze the whole time". I loved the look on his face when I said "Yes, the alcoholic was called CB and the fat (but funny) bastard was ME!"

His jaw just dropped.

Him: "No way! You're not XX!"
Me: "Check out the name badge pal."
Him: "But, but.... oh, I'm so sorry! How the hell did you lose so much weight?!"

[I'd lost about 4 stone (about 25kg) during the previous year - I now look like a reasonably normal person and I get very dubious looks whenever anyone has to look at my passport photo which was taken during my "fat bastard" stage]

Me: "oh, you know, the usual way"
Him: "What's that? Jeez, I can't believe it, it is you! Tell me the secret!"
Me: "I just took up Heroin and then I got unlucky and caught AIDs"
Him: [total look of horror]
Me: [smirks slightly]
Him: "You absolute bastard! I can't believe I remember your humour more than I remember your face!"

The training went terribly. Our companies software simply didn't work on German computers. No idea why. Luckily this particular army barracks is a "big gun" training area, so with the constant noise they couldn't hear me anyway. They just nodded and pretended to understand what I was saying.

At the end of it (only 2pm!) one of the guys offered to drive me back to the hotel. On the way back he offered to take me to the NAFI. I'm not sure what that stands for, but it's basically a cheap shop, duty free style, for the exclusive use of British Army employees. I flaunted this rule by doing a monty python style "silly walk"(as performed by all British Army officers and ending every sentence with "What oh?" I also glared nastily (In a way that intoned "I could send you to serve in Iraq sunshine!" way) at anyone that thought they were in a position to question me for ID)

I bought a bottle of vodka, a bottle of rum and a carton of cigarettes for about £5. Bloody ridiculously cheap!

The cigs weren't for me of course, I've given up. They were for my sister. But I did have a smoke with one of the guys today. It was filter cig rather than a roll up and it was quite nice. I enjoyed it.

After returning to the hotel I cleaned my cigarette breath in the most unobvious manner possible. I ate a packet of polos. The first thing TT said to my minty-fresh person was "Have you had a cigarette?" I confessed I had. She didn't care at all.

TT had been out in town earlier while I was working. She took this picture of a horse. Not just because she likes horses but also because it's willy was hanging out. I guess we're compatible because we're both so bloody childish!

We decided to go for a walk around town. It's wonderful. It's a really untouristy town. And despite the fact there's a British Army barracks just down the road no one speaks English. My French is ok/good but my German is awful. TT had a headache so it was my challenge to try and buy painkillers. The first challenge was to find a pharmacy. I confidently asked the first approachable looking person "Entschuldigung, wo ist die Apotheke bitte?" ("Excuse me, where is the pharmacy please?").

Unfortunately my German for once must have excelled and she seemed to assume I spoke the language fluently. "Es ist link auf funfdy vokken sproken blurby vos heist du leiben sie ein deutsch mark blurby auf volkswagen bitte sprechen sie"[sorry Lisa!] she replied with much arm waving and gesturing.

I knodded and smiled with what I hoped was a look of gratitude - I even remembered to say "Danke schon" "Thanks lots". It must have worked because it fooled TT. She looked at me expectantly with a rather impressed look: "So, where is it?" she beamed. "I haven't a fucking clue" I honestly admitted...

I spent the next 5 mins asking everyone "Entschuldigung, sprechen sie Englisch?" to which the most common response was "Nein" One cocky shit said "Ja! Und sie?" ("Yes! And you?") before sauntering off well before I could use my dictionary to look up the German for "Look here, tosser...." Eventually I asked someone who's response startled me somewhat: "Yeah mate! I was in your training course earlier! It was ok! I didn't fall asleep!" Nice eh? He gave us directions and when we finally arrived I used my unimpressive German to ask where the painkillers could be found. The girl replied in perfect English (albeit with a heavy German accent) "They're at the end of the store, third aisle, very nearly at the end. Past the toothpaste. Opposite the cotton buds. Danke schon" I'm sure she only added the "Danke schon" to make me feel better.

We then went to a restaurant and had dinner. We tried to use TT's Lonely Planet guide to decipher the menu. After discovering that nothing on the menu existed, according to her book, we just guessed. It was a wonderful meal. I've no idea what we had but it was wonderful. We also had many beers and then had to get an early night as I have to train people again tomorrow.