This product may contain traces of nuts

I went to the pub yesterday afternoon. No particular reason, just because I can and it feels rebellious to do that during daylight hours. TT says it's because I'm turning into a dero but honestly I'm not. I've only got 9 days of the UK left and I'm pretty determined to use them doing whatever the hell I want to!

Anyhoo, the point of the matter is that I fancied some peanuts with my pint so I bought a packet of Nobbies Nuts. When a product has a name like that you just have to buy it don't you? (I just done a quick search for nobby nuts incase no one believes they exist - I found this web site and got totally distracted - and yes, I'm already expecting some comment from VUBOQ about liking cock, bum bum, etc...!)

So, I buy the nuts and while idly picking at them I notice this warning on the back of the packet: "WARNING! This product may contain traces of nuts" Er.....It's a packet of fucking peanuts for christs sake!! What sad, paranoid, nerdy jobsworth decided to put that on the packaging?! Most food over here now has a "consumer helpline" telephone number on it and I really hoped to find one on these. Unfortunately they didn't. If they had I imagine it would have went very much like this:

Bored Phone Person: "Hello, thanks for calling Nobby Nuts Inc. How may I help you?"
Me: "Is it true that your product may contain traces of nuts?"
BPP: "[snigger] Yes, that's true sir"
Me: "If they only contain traces of nuts may I ask what the hell else is in them?"
BPP: "Er, um, er...."

In fact, I have a new mission. I'm going to find some peanuts with a consumer helpline and call it to see how they answer.

I've called consumer help lines twice before. Once it was about a ham salad sandwich. Again, it had one of those stupid advice labels on it which said "Warning: This product contains fish" Naturally I was very much "Eh?! What the fuck...?!" I then noticed to my glee that it had a free phone helpdesk. I called and the person on the phone was also very confused. She offered to look into it a get back to me. She called later that afternoon. Apparently the dressing/sauce contained Worcester Sauce which in turn has anchovy extract listed as one of it's ingredients.

The other time I called them was under slightly pissed circumstances. A friend and I were having a few tinnies, he was drinking Guinness and I noticed a consumer helpline on the can. I really couldn't imagine why on earth anyone would want to phone for help on drinking so I decided to call them.

Guinness Rep: "Hi, thanks for calling, how can we assist you?"
Me: "Hello! I'm just curious about how many people call this number? What on earth do people need assistance for?"
GR: "Our most frequently asked question is whether Guinness is suitable for persons suffering from diabetes"
Me: "Oh. [shocked that he actually had a reasonable answer] What else? What other calls have you had today for instance?"
GR: "The lady calling before you wondered whether to put her washing machine on a high or low temperature setting to get the best whites"
Me: "You what?!"
GR: "We also offer help on Daz washing powder"
Me: "Ok, I've got to go now, thanks for your help!"

Sorry I've not got anything more entertaining to tell y'all. If I get hit by inspiration I'll be straight back. Have a great weekend y'all...