Triple take

Things To Do:

2011-08-08T11:45:00.002+10:00

- Rename blog to Triple Take

- Let folks know the last year in summary

- Introduce the new set and cast

- Expose the world to lots more gibber that's too long and way under-appreciated as facebook status updates

- Go and eat nommy food from the fridge and then go to bed to consider what we've achieved here tonight.

In summary...

I'M BACK AGAIN FOLKS!

I'm packing. Really I am. Gradually.

2008-12-20T08:50:00.002+10:00

If you're anything like me you'll do anything to postpone the chore of packing. I've washed everything that can be washed. I've hoovered everything suckable (almost). I even finally checked out the direction of the water flow in Australia (It's 100% defo anti(counter)-clockwise)

New neighbours have moved in this morning, and they have already given me a "LOOK" kinda like you'd give something that's just climbed out from under a rock.

This could be cos I've been up all night thinking up good reasons to postpone packing. And to use everything possible from fridge and freezer I whizzed up some cuc, toms, chilis, teeny garlic and vodka to use up my basil ice cubes. Bloody maries at 7.30am? I am your man, man. Values!`

S is coming to take me to the airport shortly so I really must get on with packing that bag. And joy of joy, she's gonna kick my arse in Jan when I return. Why? Cos when she reads this she'll realise I was serious about not packing yet....

Speaks to ya all soon my preciousies. If you hear about a Qantas plane stacking en route to UK then please give money to your fave charity - flowers blow :)

Maybe give you's all an update from Singa, I'm sure something exciting will have happened by then.

You came, you saw, you waited....

2008-12-19T23:50:00.003+10:00

...now be dissapointed with the wait.

I promised you photos to go with this story. As it's christmas I wont go back on my word. Consider it a gift. Sorry I couldn't get planned photo of victim with them in same shot. Look at these beauties and imagine them at A2 size......And the look on his face when he finally saw them.

I'm going to be dead famous

2008-12-19T16:19:00.004+10:00

Guess what?!

I've had a sneak preview of Stick Steven 2008! And I'm a star in it! I actually feature in SS2008! The master artist Vuboq cas captured me perfectly, even down to the keg of beer I managed to buy while out looking for postage stamps. Ok, it wasn't a keg, but it was a tinny on steroids and really did almost reach waist height. And later added further waist girth.

So that's why I'm gonna be famous. And I'm gonna be dead cos:

Behold, as I present to you, before it's official release, Stick Steven 2008!

Scroll down, you know you want to be one of the lucky first.....

Well, a very little bit of it. Part of March in fact.....

Ignore Mush, she's just trying to get in on the glory ;) Look, she's not even got her ever present camera phone cos she just rushed over with her martini to get in on the action..... x

The speaker phone wank

2008-12-18T21:09:00.002+10:00

Our new cubicle land is split down the middle. Upon my insistance our half of cubicle land is not cubicles, we're open plan - I like to communicate when I'm not sleeping.

The other half of our domain is cubicled and the boss over there love taking calls on speaker phone. If he needs to piss he asks the caller to hold, transfers the call to his moby and puts THAT on speaker to resume his loud convo as he wanders the building.

My boss is too gutless to say anything even though all of us moan like buggery about it.

My boss is off this week.

I has resolved the problem. Photo's tomorrow me friends.....

Steaming

2008-12-14T04:58:00.002+10:00

I am. I really fucking am.

Three reasons.

a) Earlier some dude tried to beat up on a chick outside my house which meant I had to get involved with the cowardly cunt

b) An ex from UK who was always pyscho has become even more so since discovering I'm returning over Kritmas. She's driving me fucking nuts with continual sms's.

c) The rep from body corp just came over at 4am and told me it wasn't expected for residents to be up at this time of day. Fucking E X C U S E M E!

All of the above are very lucky to not have snapped jaws. Cunts. Every fucking one of them.

Please leave alone and do not approach for at least 3 days or you may accidentally get it.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Cleaner

2008-12-13T03:14:00.002+10:00

I looked with some degree of disgust at the state of my bathroom floor last night.

"Why don't you clean more often?" I asked myself

"Cos you don't have a mop you ugly fucktard" I smuggly reply to myself

"Bullshit man, you bought one months ago and haven't actually taken it out of the ute yet have ya?" I argued back

Today at work they asked whether I could increase my weekly quota of hours. I dont actually have a drama with that. I do what I want, when I want anyway so a new peice of paper with more $ on the bottom is good with me.

Then the genius hit me:

"Oh. No problem. But 50 hours a week will leave me even less time for house work, washing, ironing etc...."

I can do bargaining. My cleaner starts upon my return in the new year. Woot!

meme thingy

2008-12-12T23:02:00.004+10:00

Got bored doing the colour thing. Thanks Ms Dyko.

JANUARY
1. Who kissed you on new years?
Everyone that could.

2. Did you have a New Year’s Resolution this year?
Narp. Well. Yarp. To not break a New Year's Revolution. I've not turned around all year. Winner!

3. Does it snow where you live?
Narp

4. Do you like hot chocolate?
Narp. Spew.

5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
Narp. Not into watching balls dropping.

FEBRUARY
1. Who was your Valentine?
My palm

2. When you were little did you buy Valentine’s for the whole class?
Shit man, NO!

3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
I care so little an electron microscope could not picture the quark of care I have.

4. What did you receive for Valentine’s Day?
Ummmm. A bitchy sms

MARCH
1. Are you Irish?
To be sure.

2. Do you like corned beef and cabbage?
Nah, hospital food sucks.

3. What did you do for St Patrick’s Day?
Cooked VUBOQ breakfast in bed.

4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
Shit yeah

APRIL
1. Do you like the rain?
Yarp

2. Did you play an April Fool’s joke on anyone this year?
Yarp. Daily.

3. Do you get tons of candy for Easter?
Narp. Spew.

4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
Man, what the hell is a 4/20? Is that like CB Radio code? "Control, we've got a 10-100 going on at 4/20" Control: "10-4 Wank 1, over out"

5. Do you love the month of April?
's right 'spose.

MAY
1. What is your favorite flower?
Lillies. Yes. Really. I have a special tool just for them.

2. Finish the phrase “April showers…”
"April showers....Get in on all the hot steamy action at www.pervy-shower-cams.com"

3. Do you celebrate May 16th: National Piercing Day?
Narp.

4. Is May anything special to you?
I'd be quite sad if I didn't see another.

JUNE
1. What year did/will you graduate from high school?
I was flung from the gates in 1994

2. Did you do anything fun during this Month?
Yarp

3. Have a favorite baseball team?
Narp

JULY
1. What did you do on the 4th of July?
Called C. It's his b'day.

2. Did you go to the fireworks?
Weren't any

3. Did you blast the A/C all day?
ACDC?

4. Did you go on vacation?
Prolly

AUGUST
1 What was your favorite summer memory of ‘08?
It's just starting here

2 Did you have a sunburn?
Get real

3 Did you go to the pool a lot?
Narp

4 Were you ready for school at all?
Narp

SEPTEMBER
1 Are you attending school?
Narp

2 Do you like fall better than summer?
Narp

3 What happened this month?
How long you got?

OCTOBER
1 What was your last Halloween costume?
Jeans + T

2 What is your favorite candy?
One that is really useful. Swiss-army-candy. Or clockwork-phone-charger-candy.

3 What was your favorite thing(s) about this month?
Samhain

NOVEMBER
1 Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
Mine

2 What are you thankful for?
Teh interwebz

3 Do you love stuffing?
Mate, more than you could imagine.

4 Anything special in this month?
Lots. If you dont have special things every day you're a waste of a skin.

DECEMBER
1 Do you celebrate Christmas?
I celebrate the season.

2 Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?
Yarp

3 Get anything special last year?
Yarp

4 What do you want next year?
Another year

5 What do you love most about December?
sep means 7, oct means 9, nov means 9, dec means 10. December is the biggest lying month of all. Woot.

Uk Kritmas trippy experience

2008-12-11T19:42:00.002+10:00

I've put a thingy over there

<----------------

That should show current plans which I'll try and keep up-to-date-ish.

The roman fort thingy is about an occasional reader that lives near there if she fancies a meetup. I could bring me Nads as you enjoyed linking to them?

The Bro Trip II - Revenge of the Irish

2008-12-11T17:47:00.002+10:00

So, in Ireland it rains lots, in Brisbane it doesn't. Right? Wrong. Sort off.

As he was obvious missing the Irish drizzle bro decided to do a rain dance or something to bring some rain to us. He's obviously very good at it. On Sunday Brisbane encountered it's worse storm in 30 years. Over half a $1bn clean up bill. If you're interest and know me personally leave a comment and I'll email you some video footage.

We had been up the coast a little ways, to S's old place, with the intent of continuing to Mt Mee. It looked a little stormy so we decided to bolt for home. As we arrived in Brissy it was 4pm and so dark we needed headlamps to see to drive - about the same as 6pm on a normal day.

We went to the bottlo to grab some beers and thats when it hit us. Marble sized hail, torrential rain, 100kph gusts of wind. It's not wise to have your vehicle outside in this weather so wanted to get us down the road 200m to my house. We done that and then as the weather was too bad to get from the covered park area to the house we just sat in the back of the ute watching the storm. Rather an impressive display.

Our further research to this shows that Brissy does on average have a higher annual rainfall that Ireland. But Ireland has over 100 more rainy days than Brissy. So the conclusion is that when it rains in Brissy it puts Ireland to shame. But it doesn't do it often.

On Monday bro went off to the Urwin zoo and enjoyed his day. I worked. Well, you know, that thing I do at my office. Next day I worked a half day then we flew 2000 km to Cairns and got pissy in the pub next door to the hotel.

Next day we took the Skyrail - cable car up the mountain, 3 stops on way up with board walks at each. Hippy town and a pub at the top, train down to Cairns. However, it wasn't that simple. Bro also discovered the true meaning of rain forest. At the first stop a storm came in and the cable car was halted. Nothing but forest as far as the eye can see in every direction and incredible amounts of rain.

These "base stations" I should mention contain nothing but an information point and a rain forest walk. No seating, no food, nothing to do. They are however, covered, equipped with a smoko area and....well... that's it for plus points. The cablecars were stopped for 3 hours so we spent 3 hours being at the suicidal end of the boredom scale.

Actually, we are rather good at entertaining ourselves. After muttering piss takes about just about everyone else in the place to one another we decided to play championship level "I Spy". Despite him being a Dr I wooped his sorry hide with a cunning spying of a ferrule. Fortunately that was right near the end of the storm. Fortunate cos he sooked from that moment until the service resumed. Looser.

We both sniggered at the name of the pub at the top of the mountain "Irish Fanny" (Fanny has a different meaning outside US - look it up kids). In the evening we were plagued with power outs.

Next day we took a catamaran out to Green Island, a tiny rainforest island on the barrier reef. Then a glass bottom boat over the reef itself. We saw the laziest fish ever. It's evolved a sucker on the top of its head and sucks onto the glass of the boat for a tow out to the reef. There it fucks off, gets a feed, does it's fishy banking and whatever else, and then suckers back onto the boat for a ride back to the little port place. Had a walk around the island and then catamaran back and flight back to Brissy.

I worked Friday and I think bro went shopping. Yes, shopping.

On Saturday we went up to Mt Mee which has good look outs over to the glass house mountains.

Also on Saturday we went into the city to find the pub that I had "missed" while doing my induction walky around. It turns out the bastard place has closed down. The owners of the building wont renew the lease to the current people so they're looking for somewhere else to re-open. Shame as it was a nice place and had a self contained micro brewery which was always winning awards and shit.

On Sunday bro flew out again and I suddenly felt very bored and lonely which is unusual for me. Guess when you have someone living in the place for a couple of weeks and then revert back to empty it is strange.

Cheers for coming over bro, it was a hoot for me, pretty sure you enjoyed it, see ya again soon!

Really, I'm just too thoughtful

2008-12-02T23:38:00.002+10:00

Forgot to mention. Tomorrow I'm off to top end. Hot end of aus. 40+c and 98% humidity. How nice. To a Rio Tinto site that will require me to wear a boiler suit, boots and safety. Real nice.
But my boss is coming with me. And he's already checked us in on line with adjoining seats. There was only one thing I could do tonight when I got home. Cook. Behold:
- Onion soup entree with toasted garlic bread and parmesan
- Chook Kiev with broad beans and brocolli
- Served with 3 tallies of XXXX Bitter.
Everyone will be able to share my gratitude but most especially my boss. Lucky man.

Smart? Sunshine?

2008-12-02T23:20:00.003+10:00

The QLD state "motto" used to be "Queensland - the sunshine state". After we were appointed the skin cancer capital of the world the government changed it to "Queensland - The smart state"

When the motto was "Queensland - the sunshine state" the logo was this:

Now "Queensland - the smart state"s logo is:

Spot the difference? Too easy...

Solar Energy=

God zapping us with brainwaves=

Bed time. Nighty night.

the bro trip

2008-11-30T19:16:00.005+10:00

So yeah, bro has been visiting. First time in Aus and he seemed to enjoy it. I must hit him up for a guest blog though, forgot to do that while he was here.

On day 1 I'd called Qantas to confirm he would go through immigration here in Brissy rather than Sydney and planned to leave work and collect him from the airport at an appropriate time. They lied to me. I tracked his landing on line and decided to wait an hour before leaving for the airport.

I was taking a slash about 10 minutes later when he rang to tell me he was outside the airport waiting. Stick to delivering the mail Qantas. (Did you know Qantas is an acronym for Queensland And Northern Territory Air Service? Post and medical services for outback areas.... Yes, todays show is both informative AND Educational. Fuckwit.)

Collected Dr. A. G. Kween from the airport shortly thereafter and let him spend day 1 recovering from jet lag. He was recovered by that evening so we stayed up all night drinking piss and talking shit. As we do.

Day 2 was my traditional visitor thing, the brissy induction tour. I felt very sheepish about not being able to find a pub i wanted to. More about this later though. And yes, Brisbane is the size of a pea and losing an entire pub is very difficult.

We took city kitty home and further to previous all nighter session instead of being a good host and pointing things out from the river i fell asleep on the rear outside deck. I occasionally woke up, spluttered, pretended I'd been awake all along, point out a random building with a loud comment and then fall asleep drooling again. Am I the bestest tour guide in the world or what?

Later in the week we went to mt tamborine. This was a test for me ute which has been having overheating problems recently on hills. Did it pass the test? Er....No, not really. Admittedly it was a 30% gradient which is at the fucking steep end of the scale and it is a heavy beast, but it still shouldn't sound like a coffee perculator by the summit.

On a plus note, I discovered a whacky new driving technique which involved whooshing down hills to free-wheel as far as possible up the next climb. Believe me, this takes some doing in a V6 4 litre automatic ute.

Managed to buy a kritmas pressie which is possibly the earliest such a feat has been achieved. Walked through the rainforest to the waterfall which someone had unfairly hidden last time I was there with lil sis.

At the end of the week we went to surfers paradise and visited my fave Italian, my fave art gallery, my fave live music pub, my fave tacky tourist attraction and my fave beach. Yes, it's all about me really when it comes down to it. Behold photos:

Shit. The photos are on other lappy. Use your imagination. Or here, try these:

The tourist attraction is Infinity

The resturant is La Rustica

The art gallery is here

my beach

Will continue with week two soon.

soppy sook

2008-11-29T12:47:00.002+10:00

OK, I've had a bit of a bad year in terms of blogging. I dunno why. I kind of lost my bloggy soul about July time. Around the same time I lost rather a lot of my normal pazzazz. Work got very stressy and my healthiness is a truly shocking new low.

However, Dr. Bro has just visited and that has really cheared me up. I've seen a lot more of S recently which has also cheered me. I have plans for the next couple of months. Last night I spoke to Mr V and without realising he made me realise it was ok to come back and pretend I've never been away.

Well, ok, he does know a bit - after all we discussed the next GBM. This is my baby and as he pointed out, it's kinda irony if i no longer blog eh? So here I am. Back in your lives.

Good on ya Mr V, lil sis, big bro, dyko, gobbo, just, how and rach. There are others of course but you are the hardcore that made me smile even when i couldn't motivate myself to blog.

Good on ya's - just look what you've done though - what have you created? A new, refreshed Jay with a load of pent up bollocks to share.

May i please begin by lowering the standard to my usual levels:

A family checks into a hotel and the doting dad calls reception:

Dad: "May I ask if the adult channel is disabled?"
Receptionist: "Nah, it features normal people you fucking sick freak...."

Lovin' y'all J

Out of Area

2008-10-22T20:16:00.002+10:00

Herro Everyone!

Yeah, so I lied. Sue me. It was accidental.

Well, the reason I was so happy the previous post is that I was about to go celebrate. I meant to tell you all much sooner so to some it may be old news now, but I had two very good pieces of the newses.

a) Bro coming on his first trip to Aus in November to see me

b) I'd just paid for my tickets to pop to the UK to visit the friends and relies for Kritmas.

c) You don't need a c), a) and b) are easily awesome enough.

So yeah, that was that. Surfers was also very cool and I did mean to post upon my return but unfortunately I was the victim of a drink spiking in Surfees. Some one put something in my beer (I think it was the 11th one) that made me so dizzy and blurry eyed that I couldn't type by the time I got home. Potent whatever it was but fortunately the only after effect was dehydration solved with (remember this people - I think it could be used for hangovers too) Water.

Then I had a week where I didn't really want to talk too much as there was a high chance that my company were going to close my department so I was in a bit of a sook over that. Yeah I know I'm a contractor but I do feel kind of attached to this place as I've been here for so long now. But it's all good, things are secure a while longer.

Then they sent me to Hell. The most toxic city in the westernised world. It's allowed to be toxic cos no one comes here. It's a city of about 18000 people which is ickle by anyones standards. It's in the middle of the outback desert and supplies have to be flown in on the recently upgraded service of one flight per day.

So, two weeks have been spent here, within reach of gas mask in case the direction of the wind changes and engulfs us with fumes.

There have certainly been a few amusing stories and this time I will endeavour to keep my promise of letting y'all know. The end of the busy stretch is in site! Better go now as I'm pinching a connection and I'll be totally abandoned if I dont post this now.

Sorry folks, and nice to know you missed me!

Hmm.

Another day in paradise

2008-10-05T08:50:00.002+10:00

It's 8.51am on a Sunday morning. I is over-hung. In 9 minutes friends are arriving and we're going to Surfers Paradise for the day. It's about 23 degrees but will soon be about 30. Sucks to be me eh?

I'll post about my news in a few hours :)

naaa naaaa naaa naa na

2008-09-27T21:12:00.001+10:00

OMG!

Kittens!

Lovelies!

Guess what i'm about to do?! Guess!

Yeah whoops

2008-08-13T20:26:00.002+10:00

Sorry, i got busy for a week or so.

I'm sure I've blogged before about the wonderful traditional Aussi company names and the tag-line back-up.

Eg:

"Brisbane Discount Phones - We Sell Brisbanes best discount phones!"

"Best Value Bikes - for best value bikes, come and see us!"

However, the other day I saw a wonderful restaurant to put all these things right:

"Just Seafood - Burgers, packed lunches, kebabs, fried chicken, salads and sandwiches."

Not a mention of seafood, love it. I highly suspect the place is owned by a non-englsih speaker and some aussie made the signage. An aussie in charge of a business something like:

"Honest Kevs Signs - Your sign says what I think Straylians want!"

Sickest thing on TV - evuh

2008-07-30T00:00:00.002+10:00

Cheaters.

Sick.

I had to turn it off. Wrong on so many levels, but mainly the sickos that thought / think this is good tv. I don't know the presenters name - I can think of a few but they'd get me shut down forever.

Annoying habits

2008-07-29T21:20:00.002+10:00

Everyone has worked with coworkers annoying habits. Normally they are the most frightful people that make your work day hellish.

I have an unusual siuation. I have one that is usually very talented and does a very good job despite two very annoying habits.

He's programmer and is bloody good. I speak to the clients in human, find out what they want, convert it to nerd talk, tell him, and he delivers. It saves me doing the actual programming myself cos i'm busy working on all the more exciting stuff such as snoozing in the secret office.

His annoying habits are getting worse though. One used to be interupting everything I said with "Yeah, I know". This haas now become so severe he appears to have no other vocab left:

Me: "Morning mate! How are ...."
Him: "Yeah, I know"
Me: "Ummm, ok. How did you get on with last weeks project? Did you sort..."
Him: "Yeah, I know"
Me: "I fucked three chicks last nig...."
him: "Yeah, I know"

The only way he can communicate is if he starts the conversation. See the above if I walk in maintaining silence:

Him: "Morning mate! How are you?"
Me: "Pretty good mate, I...."
Him: "Yeah, I know"
Me: [teeth grind, remain silent]
Him: "Last weeks project went well, I only had one slight problem i couldn't sort"
Me: "Well done! What was the bit that you couldn't ...."
Him: "Yeah, i know"
etc
etc
etc

I now only communicate with him via email.

BUT. He has another habit.

Tossing oranges.

Not tossing as in wanking, but throwing. When he's deep in thought (Trying to think of verbal human talk other than "Yeah, I know" no doubt) he leans back in his chair and throws an orange upwards almost high enough to touch the ceiling-but-not-quite and then catches it. Then repeats. About five or six times in a row, then puts it down and gets back on with his work.

I wish I could lower the ceiling by 2 inches so next time he does it he shatters the fucing thing over his workstation.

As you can tell, I find his [can't think of word] annoying, but i honestly like the guy.

Today though, i got stressed and he added to my annoyance. Sorry. I turned to him and said..... :( .........

You realise I could replace you with a fucking tape recording and a fucking orange on a piece of elastic?

I went for a smoke to chill and then apologised of course. I told him I was actually really pleased with his work and that i'd try to be more tolerant in future.

The fuck-wit threw an orange in the air, caught it, smiled and said "Yeah...I know"

Being Social

2008-07-27T13:32:00.002+10:00

I has exciting times ahead. My bro is coming to visit! He's going to come and see Aus for the first time in November!

How exciting! I can't wait until he gets of his arse and actually books the fight. Once he gives me the flight number I'll be proper stoked. Then I'll be able to call Brisbane airport security and tell them that passenger X arriving on flight ABC has half a kilo of crack cocaine up his arse.

It will be very funny.

So, that's November. In December i'll pop over to Europe for family Kritmas stuff and return in January. An old school friend is visiting in late January. In Feb the parental units are visiting for a month. In March lil sis is visiting again with family. April, May and June will be recovery quarter then i'll fuck off somewhere in July for a few weeks.

How easy is that? The next 12 months all planned out. Awesome.

The lunch saga

2008-07-27T13:02:00.002+10:00

The lunch I take to work is pretty predictable. Generally it consists of a banana, an apple, a mandy, some tuna with chopped cuce and tom, and a couple of rice crackers. It sounds a lot but the fruit are snacks for grazing.

Last week I got a craving for wraps. Yes. My work life is very exciting. On the way home I stopped at the supermarket and bought some lebanese breads which were large squares (30x30cm) of wafer thin bread.

Brisbane were playing Melbourne at footy that night so naturally I had to show my support by cracking a long neck or two. Or 5.

After we won I decided to make lunch ready for the next day. The wrap, packed with seasoned tuna, salad and shredded tasty looked pretty impressive. I tried to wrap it with cling film. But the cling film was only 35cm wide which resulted in me using what seemed, and probably was, 2m to completely wrap it, including the ends so the filling wouldn't fall out.

Surprisingly I didn't actually think here was anything strange about this and managed to wedge it into the fridge. I didn't even think it was odd as i crammed it into my bag and went to work in the morning.

It was only at lunch time I felt a total dick pulling this huge thing from my bag and spending 10 minutes trying to unwrap it and consume it in a dignified fashion. Then I had the wonderful idea - "Tonight I'll cut it in half before trying too wrap it" Genius. you caan tell I'm paid for my tremendous brain power can't you? It's true. That's why i'm so poor.

Anyhoo, next day I take in the same thing, but neatly cut and neatly packaged. I unwrap, and pick up one. Unknown to me, the bread bonds with itself rather well. As I picked one up and tried to grab a bite while the idiot on the phone was rebooting his PC it tried to hold onto it's comrade. This resulted in the other roll rapidly unrolling and showering my desk with tuna, salad and shredded tasty.

After a few choice expletives I came up with another cunning plan. "Tonight I'll wrap them seperately. " Another stroke of pure genius.

The following day work decided to grace us with free lunch. So my wraps went in the bin.

I repeated the experiment that night and I'm pleased to report that on Friday I actually managed to have my wraps without any form of embarrasment or disaster. This concludes the exciting lunch saga.

Don't complain, I didn't force you to read it did I?

girl

2008-07-26T13:23:00.002+10:00

I have a rather blunt question. And I'm honestly sorry that my gay male readers will find this revolting. Please, leave now if you're feeling queasy about girl private bits. To scare off any hesitants, may i make it a little clearer - VAGINA'S Run away!

Right. So.

I've been sexually active a fair while now and I've noticed this: From my first experience, in 1990, girls have fur on their rude bits and so do boys. Luckily it's not designed to be like velcro fur. That would be painful and embarrassing all around.

My first serious gf used to trim hers into pretty shapes all the time but it was mainly still a furry zone. My first 'girl on the side' didn't trim at all and i confess i found the difference was stimulating. But then, i found her stimulating before i even made this discovery.

I'd like to make note at this point that around 6 girls i'd played "hide the sausage" with had all been similarly furred below.

And thus it continued for a few years

Then I met tt. That's too recent to comment upon, but after her i met another aussie girl and was shocked (and not displeased) to find she'd shaved underneath. And the next. And the next. Three aussie girls in a row all shaved.

Then got lucky with a pom and guess what? Yep, shaved. Then another pom, then another aus. All trimmed to bald.

I was off the scene for a bit while i was with tt, so i need to know - did fashion change? Or is it just coincidence that before her all my girls were furry and after they're all bald?

If it IS fashion, then how do you spread the word that No hair is the new black? Is there a magazine I've not seen? "Beaver Styles Monthly"? "Twat Shavers Weekly"? "Front Bum Shavers Daily"?

I'm curious. Comments please. Oh, and if you're cute, photographed examples too......

Happy hump day y'all

2008-07-23T23:03:00.002+10:00

Today I had to leave work early. Why? Cos my neighbour called to tell me my house was flooding. Yikes.

I rushed home to find no drama and neighbour sat on my deck. The explanation? She's scored a new job and wanted to celebrate. She thought I was on speaker - phone, potentially with bosses or clients so she made up a story.

Thanks love. (Whats the keyboard shortcut / emoticon for "Dripping sarcasm"?)

I has two stories for you though, 1 is about the evolving lunch which i cant tell in completiness until tomoz.

The other is about bacteria and my very own sis doubting my sanity.

Oh, and a random from the past about a posh fuck and a tent.

3 exciting stories! Well, I hope that keeps you all in suspensders and check back in a day or two for more info.

Sweet dreams.......

Carol

2008-07-19T09:21:00.000+10:00

Which came first? The name Carol or the term "Christmas Carol?"

Am I speaking another language?

2008-07-17T19:17:00.002+10:00

I walked into work to find a guy from another department waiting by my desk, he was a project planner person from project planning people dept. We exchanged greeting and then he asked me a stange question:

"What's the easiest language to learn?"

Hmmm. Being a computer nerdy type i assumed he meant programming language so I said

" It's more important to understand the principles of programming, the theories and intricacies of how your language will be processed by the machine. And then of course it depenends on your goal, the application of your writing. Some languages are good all-rounders, some are great for fast math, some are only used for internet programming, or in my case, database programming. Your question is way to vague I'm afraid"

He pondered and then asked "But what''s an EASY language?"

Growing rapidly bored I said "Try BASIC or Pascal" (Which are computer languages almost like human talk that i could teach to a 5 year old. I know this isn't an exagerration cos i was using it by age 7, self taught, so i could certainly teach it to a kid of that age.

It transponded he had decided to by one of those Teach Yourself, Listen and Repeat Language CDs. It had always been his ambition to learn a foreign language and someone had told him to ask me as being a pom i would know more about languages than others in an aussie office.

I patiently explained again that his question was dumb:

me: "You really need a purpose to learn a language before choosing one"

PP: "Well, I just want an easy one"

me: "Look, if you're researching the roman empire, Latin would help. If you want to read russian classics, dutch will be useless. If you want to expand the business into china then spanish wont be overly useful. Please, give me a clue what you're trying to achieve?"

PP: "Which is easiest?"

me: "Look, all are different! Urdu is easy to speak but tough to read or write. Welsh can be easy to understand aurally but damn tough to speak or read. Latin is great to read and write if you are good at following rules and logic. You cannot just ask someone for an easy language!"

PP: "Well..... I've actually booked a cruise of the greek islands with like, 15 stops on different islands. I don't know what language is spoken on any of them so I figured if I learnt one language there'd be a chance of being able to use it on at least one of the islands"

me: [pauses and waits for him to show he's joking]

....
....
.... [waits]
....

me: "Umm, you DO realise they'll all speak Greek dont you?"

PP: "Greek? I always thought the expression 'Ít's all Greek to me' meant that it was a mix of lots of languages because there are so many islands?"

me: [sighs] "Ay gamsou mate, Ay gamsou....."

I hope you enjoyed the rest

2008-07-13T19:18:00.002+10:00

someone, who shall remain nameless, guilt tripped me.

It was a Visious, Old, Bitter, Unrepetant, Queen. Lets call him Vobuq.

This person bitched at me for not blogging, and it wasn't alone. Several others (ok, just one, just her, just me) partook in the bitching.

What is wrong with your lives that you need to hear about mine?

Rhetorical people, rhetorical. I'm srsly not interested. Unless I read your blog. In which case i already know.

So yes, I'm still alive. My neighbour is being chased by the ATO (IRS) or similar, we're having a car graffitti war, my parents are in Africa, My job has changed, TT is blogging again, saw S today, got a new mega cute lappy, other than that, just nothing to blog about....

Back soon peoples.

PS. Pls help yourself to an insult as you leave:

Cuntface
Fuckwit
Wanksplat
Cocksack
turdburgler
bellend
scrotscratcher
fartbreath (for the girls)
shitbrains
knobhead
dicknose
cumdrizzle
Arsefeatures

After all, i have a reputation to retain. You're welcome sweat balls/flaps....

What the fuck?

2008-06-19T21:55:00.002+10:00

Has happened to my layout?!

I've not touched template for about a gazzillion years.

Why are all my linky loves, profile, etc, at the botton of the page or sometimes not at all?

I'm an IT pro, and in the same way that painters/decoraters have the most shoddy houses I can't be fucked to look into it. Can anyone give me a quick fix or someone to blame? I'm looking at YOU for answers Gobbo.....You work in support. I give you password and ac details and you make it all good right? Right? Ow, come on, I made you brekky at vuboqs place....

No Hoax Sunday

2008-06-15T12:35:00.003+10:00

I just signed into Internet banking to check my balance. For the first time in 30 months I wasn't greeted by a security alert telling me to ignore the latest hoax email that reads as blah blah blah.

They always give an example of the email with "SPECIMEN" watermarked across it. Why do they do this? Why not be a teany bit more direct? Rather than give us account numbers just give us unique names such as IDIOT3, WANKER5, TWAT17, NUMBNUTS1...

Bear in mind of course the average hoax email looks something like this:

Der Customer,

Weev forgutten yur account number and passwordz. Can you email them to hoaxer@hotmail.com plz?

Cheers M8,

Westpac bos.

PS. Before we lost the account info a Nigerian dude said he wanted to give you a load of cash he couldn't gey out of the cuntry or sumfink so we gave him yer stuff.

==================================================================

I mean, really. Oh, and by the way Mr Westpac, who demonstrated their intelligence by sending out new credit cards to their customers with a letter saying "Please find enclosed your more secure credit card. For your convenience the card is ready to use, all you need to do is sign the back and you're good to go...."

Just how many thousands did that cost when you had to reimburse all the people such as myself that had the letter and card stolen from their mailbox and fraudulently used? And you think we need reminders of the importance of security?

Fridge demons

2008-06-14T17:39:00.003+10:00

They exist.

Here is my evidence:

- There is ALWAYS butter spread on the inside of the lid. I never store it upside down so how does it get there?

- There is ALWAYS a piece of rotten fruit or veg in the salad crisper no matter how thoroughly I clean it, even on an hourly basis.

- No matter how airproof my cheese container is cheddar ALWAYS goes orange and brittle at the edges the moment I close the fridge door.

- The most messy / expensive thing in the fridge migrates to the very front so that when I open the door it falls out and goes all over the floor and causes me heartache.

- Sometimes I hear it chuckling evilly as I walk past.

OK. The final point isn't quite true. But that's irrelevant. I have enough evidence already.

Is it just my fridge, where ever I live in the world, that gets possessed or does any one else have this demonic presence in their kitchen?

What are we to do about this menace? I'm sure the local vicar isn't willing to stop poking boys up the bum to come and bless my fridge and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want him near my food anyway. I'm at a loss.

Suggestions welcome.

Oh. And I'm sure he's short circuited the lighting thing so the light stays on when I close the door - how do I check? Again, suggestions welcome.

Ice burger nerder

2008-06-07T21:05:00.003+10:00

I'm sure that I've been told only 1 third of an iceberg is the part we see "floating" on the ocean. So when I drop a cube of ice in my morning glass of water how come it's almost enitrely under water? Something to do with salt water bouyancy?

I feel like Archimedes. Or Einstein. Or Newton. For fucks sake, who was that dude that jumped out of his pool and shouted Eureka and waved his todger around? Whoever the perve was, I feel like him. I want to bath and then add an ice cube to measure the displacement.

I'm seriously considering making some saline ice cubes and experimenting to find out if Titanic type oceans are any different to my glass of ocka aussie water. I'm allowed to be a nerd if I want. And why aren't there labs available for rent for these kind of things? I'd pay.

Overheard gems

2008-06-06T22:09:00.002+10:00

Yeah, apologies for not posting and all that bollocks. Believe me, work is in progress and the situation will improve. (Well, improve if you like reading my drivel, situation will become shitter if you hate me and come here to read in the same way you look at a car wreck)

Anyhoo, today I took the bus home from work. The two loud guys behind me were having a conversation:

Idiot 1: "It'd be really easy to stop these traffic jams"
Idiot 2: "Really? How?"
1: "Well, look at the gateway motorway over there. Most of it is filled with cars."
2: "Yeah, and?"
1: "Well, imagine how many more people you could get along the motorway if we filled those big articulated trucks with seats in the back?"
2: "Wow! That would really cut down the number of cars!"

Er.....

Is is just me or is a large vehicle filled with seats called a bus? The very thing they were sat on? Oh jeez. I refrained from turning around and exploding. Then they started the next conversation:

2: "You got anyting planned for the holiday weekend?"
1: "Gotta knock down me shed. I love me shed"
2: "Why you knocking it down then?"
1: "It's made of asbestos so I've got to smash it down so they can build a wooden one on Tuesday"
2: "Will it take all weekend?"
1: "No, that shit shatters really easy. I'll just bash it and it'll take longer to sweep up the pieces than the taking down"

Gods help us.

That'll be 33c please

2008-05-20T14:41:00.000+10:00

As most readers will be aware, I live in Brisbane, Aus. Fewer will be aware that I live on the intersection of 3 suburbs. Not literaly, Brisbane City Council said the cars would get in the way if I built a house on an intersection - but I live on the corner of aforementioned intersection. If I cross the road to the west I'm in a suburb called Fortitude Valley. This area is more commonly know as one of the following:

a) The Valley
b) China town
c) Bumville

China town is the most appropriate as....well..... it is. However, they also have a range of other Asian outlets one of my favourite is which is a store which sells all foods Indian. This is the place to buy all of your spices fresher, better and WAY cheaper than all the supermarkets. The only problem with the place is the owner. She's about 1m tall and about the same width. And she is the rudest person you could ever meet.

She treats her staff like dogs and abuses her customers. I guess no one's perfect but anyhoo.

The other day I went in and was surprised to see her hurling small packets of rice at one of her staff together with a barrage of abuse. The verbal abuse isn't uncommon by any means with her but it was the first time I'd seen her actually do anything physical.

I largely ignored the situation and started my shopping. I bought about $30 worth of things. I went to the counter and the abused staff member was now manning it. He rang through the goods and told me it was 33c. I said "No mate, it's $33". He looked at me and with a huge grin and a grazed eye said "I'm not caring, I'm quitting today!"

Fucking blogger. Fucking Scramble. Fucking Vuboq

2008-05-14T19:08:00.003+10:00

I wrote a couple of posts of over the weekend as as I tried to post them blogger crashed and I managed to lose both of them. Grrr.

I've finally found a use for the site facebook. I've never seen the purpose of the site it just annoys me. If I wanted to share my thoughts with people I knew in high school I'd email them this blog address.

However, back to point - I've finally found a use - SCRAMBLE. It's awesome. The only moan I have about it is that it doesn't give extra points for "tough" letters like X and Q, etc. I think it should use a graded system.

Actually, that's not my only moan. Look at this:

And when I checked the list of available words at the end, LATTIN is listed as being a valid word!

Hmm. Our google based survey says......

Latin=337 000 000 references

Lattin=262 000 references

Yes, there are over one hundred references on the internet to the word LATIN for each reference of the word LATTIN.

But I was pleased with this. Would you expect anything less (more?) from me?

Finally there is the matter of Mr. Vuboq. The one who has become "The cheating cheater" in my opinion. Look at the score board image below. L is about the only person who has beaten me more than once. And this image shows the typical standard of our game. Then spot the utter bastard in the middle. The one that more than doubles my two winning scores shown.

Yeah Vuboq. Very funny. I will work out how you're doing it you bugger!

Check this out

2008-05-04T11:28:00.002+10:00

My lil sis has provided her guest blog! Click here to read it and make her feel welcome with a gazzillion comments please :)

And I'm trying to work out how to take a pic of my dangly balls to publish. All will make sene soon....

Best invention ever

2008-05-02T22:16:00.001+10:00

QF1432 - the flight from Gladstone to Brisbane.

YEY!

I is home. I has internet. I is back people. If anyone is left reading this....

It's great here!

2008-04-30T22:13:00.002+10:00

I'm in Gladstone!

Thriving Metropolis!

A Millions Things to Do!

- Eg. Work!
- Eat (at a "reasonable hour")!
- Sleep!
- Wow!

NEW!!!! - INTERNET! (slow)

Etc!

Woot.

Gooseberries

2008-04-26T22:08:00.001+10:00

After I last posted I noticed a large gooseberry in my miniture rainforest. I went to investigate.

Damn thing was actually an alien in disguise. It abducted me and subjected me to sexual experiments which although took years actually transponded to just 2 Earth days. I now have several alien children in another universe but I don't have their blog addresses. Life is cruel.

And my butt hurts.

Even worse, on Monday I have to go to Gladstone for work FOR A WHOLE WEEK.

PS. I lied, I've just been busy with work.

Damn fingers

2008-04-23T22:07:00.000+10:00

Sorry for lack of updates. My fingers fell off.

Fortunately they've now grown back.

Other side of the road princess....

2008-04-20T22:03:00.000+10:00

If you ever have a visitor from a country that drives on the opposite side of the road to your country lend your ute with care. Especially if they are currently only holding a learners license.

Nuff said.

No harm done. I actually found it quite amusing in my own little way :)

Sad

2008-04-16T21:59:00.001+10:00

Sis gone back to UK now. Place feels empty. She's moving over with hubby and nephew soon though. Yey!

GUEST POST!

2008-04-15T21:58:00.002+10:00

Hi All,

Well as you know I have just returned from Aus after spending two traumatic weeks with J.

Only Joking!!!!

I was a little apprehensive about this trip but soon found that I had nothing to worry about. I was made to feel very welcome by all around. Australia is one of those places that makes you feel instantly at home.

Managed to take around 500 pics and I will admit that most of those were of Koalas and Kangaroos. This was one day out that I think 2c and I both enjoyed. The weather was a little wetter than I expected but also very warm. Just one fact to mention, it really does rain in a rain forest. We all got absolutely soaked and I don't think that the car was happy about this either.

Spent a fantastic weekend in Surfers Paradise (Thankyou J) Great weather, great beach, great people, great food, great music and extremely cute surf coaches. Mmmmmmm!!!!

J has been going on about what an awesome place Australia is and I will completely agree. If I could have moved my family over then I would not have left. All I have left to say is one thing,
Thankyou J for inviting me over, for being the perfect host and for being the best big bro and friend a girl could want.

There is so much more to say but I don't want to bore you all If I haven't already. Have fun!!!!

H (Lil Sis)

Another weekend update

2008-04-14T21:44:00.000+10:00

News! Thurs 2c and sis went to the Koala sanctuary and had a good time. I got home from work before they got back so it was a busy day for them.

Friday sis and I rocked down to Surfers Paradise. We checked into a flashy hotel and went exploring. We found an awesome evening market which was really cool. We had the best Italian meal EVUH. We dropped our purchases back at the hotel and decided to walk on the balmy beach.

It was 11pm but the ocean was still so appealling we walked in it and got deeper. And deeper. And then the waves. Ooops. Soaked at 11.30pm. We layed down on the grass and dried off a bit. Then noticed music. Good music. Live music, coming from a pub. We waited until dry enough and then tried our luck at getting in. No drama. Too easy. And the music was awesome.

We left sometime around 2 I think, and then got entertained by some street musicians and all the passer-bys dancing to their music. It was an awesome night.

On Saturday I treated sis to a trip to Infinity. It can't be described so I wont try. Just accept it's mind blowing fun - especially when you've been before and know what to expect but your guest doesn't. I was busy bashing her around the head with my big balls in the dark when some kids came in and asked us to show some respect as one of them had a broken collar bone. Don't ask. Please dont.

We then shopped, lunched, swam, sunbaked on the beach, normal Surfers Paradise stuff.

In the evening we had a vino at the hotel and then went to watch the music in the same bar as the night before. Just as funs. Maybe better. It was great.

On Sunday we headed from the hotel down to Currumbin Wildlife park. Lots of aussie aminimals. Million of them. Approx.

We took public transport back to Brissy which only took about 83 hours. Well. plus or minus 80 hours.

We had chinese food in china town cos it has to be done and it's where the nearest train station is, and then we went home. ZZzzzzzzzz. Busy. Why are other peoples holidays so tiring for me? Only joking, loves ya sis.

Bad

2008-04-09T21:41:00.000+10:00

Not getting much time to spend with Sis. Feel v guilty although she seems to be enjoying herself. I wish I could take more time off work to be with her. Evenings are funs.

teh weekend

2008-04-07T21:24:00.001+10:00

I'm a little confused. I'm writing this slightly after the event (yeah, a month). I felt sure I bummed off work on sis's first day here but I've just checked my timesheet and it says I done a half day.

Oh well, I know on Friday arvo we hired a car which I collected on Sat morning. I got in and a bit fell off. The fuse box cover thingy. No drama. Fuck it.

I bought some picnic goodies as the supermarket and then went home to collect the girlies. After a little unconventional waking up (dont ask) of the lazy sods we got ready for the day out.

We (Sis, new neighbour (nn), 2c and I) headed off to Noosa - a wicked beach couple of hours up north. Sis nearly drowned at the hands of the Pacific. I paniced to begin with but after she surfaced and coughed up a lungful of ocean then laughed I was hugely releaved. It meant I could stop repressing my urges to laugh too. Srsly, it was so funny. She's so tiny she just got hurled by a massive wave. I'm the size of a sea defense but it almost knocked me over. It was a "no-mussin' " wave. No wonder these wacky aussies invented surfing.

On the way home we stopped at Glasshouse Mountains although it was dusk. And cold. Got home and went to local hotel for dinner. Fresh air+driving+ocean=tired. Zzzz

Sunday we rocked down to Mt Tamborine to enjoy the farmers markets. Which were cancelled. Yey for my planning. (In my defense, I did check web before we left to confirm I had the right weekend - not my fault they cancelled at last minute *sook*)

It's a lovely place anyway though so we done the tourist thing and then went for a walk in the rainforest. It rained. Lots. I had a blow out on me thongs which doesn't help at the bottom of a stack of stairs akin to day two of the Inca trail. Funs.

The girlies went ahead and I kinda craled up the stairs after them and finally decided to take a shortcut which led me to a boneyard and rather surprised them when I approached the parked car from the opposite direction to which we'd departed. They weren't the only ones surprised. I didn't have a clue where the fuck I was.

Yey for happy dayz.

She's arrived! She's arrived!

2008-04-03T21:18:00.000+10:00

My lil sis has arrived in Aus!

(I wonder if she knows I'm here too?!)

My house - It's ALIVE

2008-04-02T11:51:00.002+10:00

Since returning from the GBM something odd has happened. My house, or rather the contents thereof, seem to have become self-aware. And they move to prefered locations of their own accord.

For example, my toaster has migrated to the opposite site of the kitchen. This evidently left the kettle feeling lonely so a day later he followed.

My wastepaper bin was no longer happy in the bedroom so he's moved out onto the deck.

My scissors obviously got frustrated at years of living in "the scissor place on the knife rack" and decided to become hermit scissors living in the dark recluse of second drawer down.

Strangely, when they decide to get up and go they somehow leave a trail of long blonde hair that acts as a kind of guide to their new habitats.

Oh wait - something is beginning to dawn on me. Could it be that someone with long blonde hair is actually moving them?! Surely not. In fact, strange as it may sound 2c isn't just randomly moving stuff. Let me rephrase - Just 2c isn't randomly moving stuff. New neighbour S also has long blonde hair and an obsession for things not remaining in a constant position for more than one hour.

That's right. 2c will move something. An hour later, typically just after I've found it, S will move it somewhere else. It's like a game of fucking chess.

The only current casualty though is my cupboard that was previously used as a plastic bag store. It's now empty. And the bags have hidden themselves. 2c claims to know nothing about it and S is at work. I'm going to have to wait all day to find out where they've gone.

I hope they are safe and happy somewhere.

NB. This isn't really a moan, I love 2c and S to bits x

oh my

2008-03-30T11:41:00.002+10:00

I have no recollection of last night. I'm told I passed out in a drunken haze.

Despite being taken to bed by two neighbours + 2c amazingly no hangover.

And having been up for an hour for some reason some vino sounds like a good idea.

Good ideas need to be actioned so I'm on the case (or cask?)

Are I bad?

Don't answer that, it ~~retarded~~. rhetorical.

OMFG. 2c just emerged from the shower and opened a beer. She bad also?

:)

OMFG

2008-03-29T13:12:00.003+10:00

Arrived back in Aus already knowing I'd have brand shiny new next door neighbours. Rocked up, introduced ourselves, 10 minutes later they were round and chilling on me deck.

They are so cool it hurts. J and S and of course before I visited the GBM E had moved in one door up. So since I got back it's been H, J, S, E, plus me, here on the deck pretty much every night. I'm not sure whether it's my liver or my eyes that hurt more.

Actually, both.

Night two (thursday?) there was an unfortunatee incident with S where after everyone else had gone to bed we got way too close. We didn't have sex but things got a little steamy. I was crapping about it since that not really the "done" thing with a neighbour you've only known a day or two. But luckily all is good - we talked about it the next night and agreed it's best forgotten in the nicest way.

Last night something else happened with someone else but at the moment I'm still trying to get my brain to function as we didn't get home until 4.30am. Possibly details to follow but probably not. It was wrong. I've spoken to girly involved within last hour and sh has even less recollection than me. I think it's another thing we'll just have to put into the category "whoops".

Loves y'all......

PS. When 2c get's her arse of bed I'll borrow her USB cable and upload some photos of recent stuffs. You lucky peeps.

The worst kept secret in the world

2008-03-26T13:09:00.000+10:00

2c (Canadanian H) has flown to Australia and is living here for the time being. She is tops. But I think everyone knew that anyway. Just wanted to share incase anyone has been living under a rock for the last month or so.

Highlights of Washington DC

2008-03-25T12:51:00.000+10:00

Sorry for lack of updates, it's been a blur.
- Visited capitol (and the grotto(It's where you water your horse to make it grow(Don't ask, these random ideas occur when 3 surreal bloggers get together in real world)) ) building twice
- Visited an art gallery. 2 Cents almost got us thrown out by insisting on touching the paintings. I believe her best moment was when she managed to take a picture of herself touching Jebus's nipple. She bad.
- Food, glorious food! Mr Vuboq has the best taste in eateries/drinkeries EVUH. We went to a tapas bar to die for. We went to a cafe bar which gave loyalty cards for any substantial purchase and almost filled a card (Mr V gets a free meal after buying another 2) We went to a happy hour place, no idea where, and had $1 vodka cocktails and more awesome food. Vuboq, Goblinbox and 2c can really cook so we had awesome foods at his place.
- We attended another bday party for one of Mr V's neighbours which was just amazing. Vuboq hard boiled some eggs so we could dye eggs. The food was once again amazing (real food, not dyed eggs (well, apparantly two met with tragic eatingness but that certainly wasn't the primary food!)
- 2c and I ventured into realms unknown on a mission to find a place that stocked products she needed. The chick that gav us the lead said it was a ten minute bus ride. 10 minutes? Try fucking 45. We were beginning to seriously wonder whether we'd gone the wrong way or missed a stop or something but it all worked out good.
- Blobbing around the house. Chez Vuboq this is a great experience. He's the best host ever. If I was gay I'd be at the front of the queue of people waiting to go down on him.
- That's ~~enough~~ too much info for one post so I'll stop now.
- To summarise - AWESOME. BLOGGERS ROCK.

Happy Easter

2008-03-19T01:18:00.001+10:00

Vuboq Bloggers drinks too much.

2008-03-15T03:05:00.000+10:00

- Wake up.

- Bloody Mary's (With rosemary sprig stirrers - this man is a fucking legend)

- Mr V cooked cheese gritz which I'm assured were mega yum but as many of you are aware, I can rarely do food before the arvie.

- More Bloody Marys (with chili sauce)

- Realise that neither my lappy or moby charger work here.

- Further Bloody Marys

- Bus/metro to a westfield mall

- Order GBM 2008 T-shirts (I are organised eh?)

- DRINK A SOFT DRINK - WOOT!

- Get told of by a securty guard for drinking aforementioned soft drink "No food or drink!"Watch in amazement as the refridgerator shaped security guard produces a chocolate bar from his large person and wanders away munching it. Cunt. (But don't tell him I said that. I've seen slightly smaller mountain gorrillas than him)

- Dinner at Burmese restaurant - I think the chef is schizo because everyone seemed to have different views on their meals. Some were supposed to be spicy and weren't and vice versa. Admitadly I asked for v spicey but I wasn't quite expecting what I was served. It was way ott, not really spicy, just extreme chili. Which is one of my pet hates. Spicy is not the same as "1/2 kg chili powder".

- Vuboqs B'day party. This is a blur of infused vodka inducted funness. Around 25 people attended, 5 Litres of vodka, 750ml of tequila, 750ml of rum, +random extras.

"teh friday"

2008-03-14T03:02:00.000+10:00

This is being typed from the comfort of Vuboqs living room while 1 blogger sleeps on the floor next to me, another two are in Mr V's room and another is on the floor of the spare room. Yes, I survived the arduous journey here and so far have survived Vuboqs attempts of alcohol poisoning. Just.

The journey here was surprisingly uneventful - I think the most noteable incident was smuggling 3 bottles of vino past customs in plain view only to have them spotted by boarding security. Who were so confused about how I managed to reach that point with them they embarked in a debate amongst themselves and completely forgot to actually confiscate them so I went on board with them. It provided entertainment in the long waits between connections. I hate paying airport bar prices cos I'm a tight cunt.

I arrived at some point on Friday evening and was collected from the airport by Sassy. Unsurprisingly (because I'm used to it now) one of her first comments was about how australian my accent is. Yes. I get it. Y'all can shurrup now ;)

The drive to Mr V's house took about 45 minutes and if ever there was a chick that could teach anyone to chuck a u-ey it's sassy. She is so accomplished at this I think she showed of her skills around 30 times. Well - maybe fewer and maybe one or two were caused by me reading the directions and saying "I think that was the turn we just passed!" Followed by "Oh wait, no, it's the next one"

Mr V greeted us and then 2c came down to meet. Hugs ensued (I hate huggs after a long haul flight cos I'm acutely aware that I smell so bad that my nasal facilities have shut down to avoid the torture so I can't even guage how bad it actually is) but I was certainly willing to make an exception in this case.

We then went upstairs were I was introduced to the fabulous cleo, goblinbox, hyphenated too.
Wine (aka Vuboqs first attempt at alcohol poisoning) followed. The rest is rather a blur.

A quick summary

2008-03-09T23:20:00.003+10:00

Private jets are cool

The safety / security at Gove is way OTT

I sorted the down time in 3 hours rather than 3 days

I've been showered with praise for my skills

Gove is a shit place - 2000 men in one camp, one mess, one wet mess. {Vuboq - don't fill ya under dungers with man yoghurt, wet mess with 2000 boys isn't what you think}

Cairns airport has improved radically over the last 3 years since I've been there

My new neighbour is lovely

Credit card fraud is fun for no one. Especially when I get ripped for over $3000 in less than half a day during last 24 hours. Cunt.

I think that is all in summary. Naturally I have much more on each. What ya wanna hear about first? I'm about for one night then away to central QLD. Gnagh.

Amazed

2008-03-06T23:26:00.002+10:00

My boss just sent an sms: "Well done on phase 1 Jay, you've done an awesome job. Thank you"

Thanks!

From the boss!

I didn't know he had it in him!

If only he'd done that before I wouldn't have even bothered with the pay rise and I wouldn't take naps in my secret downstairs office.

"Thanks" is all it takes to make me really happy :)

Phase two begins in 6 hours and the moment it's done I'm off to central Queensland. And then I'll be jetting to Brissy to get my flight to Global Blogger Meetup. The week we get back from that they're talking about me going to Gladstone again.

Then my sister arrives for two weeks. It's all too awesome.

I apologise in advance for lackings of postings. I'll do my best.

Where's your god now?

2008-03-06T20:52:00.003+10:00

If you work for Rio Tinto Alcan Australasia he's typing this right now.

I have the contents of your servers in my house. And until I arrive in northern aus tomorrow thou hast nothing. That's right. I've shut down your servers.

Be nice to me. Be very nice and I'll put it all back onto your new servers. If you're not I may drop something by accident. I get clumsy when I'm distracted by fucking nerdy tit arsehead cunts who think they are gods gift to IT. So just don't tempt me into getting clumsy ok?

Your loving admin,

J

PS. Don't like? Awww. Suck it princess.

Gutten Tag!

2008-03-05T01:16:00.003+10:00

I have an obsessive reader in Berlin. Please, please, leave a comment at some point. It's not fair to tease me this way. Everyday I see the little flag appear that shows me you've read again. I like to be able to relate to my readers. All I can relate to you is that you habitually turn up to work late on a Saturday...

Time stands for no man

2008-03-05T01:03:00.002+10:00

Something rather strange has come about in the last 24 hours. Something that is most strange. Something that makes me feel an emotion I can't really describe. Hence, I wont even try. Yet.

Stay tuned.

PS. It is a good thing. And that's the understatement of 2008, unlikely to be superseded.

Toasted Sandwiches

2008-03-04T00:14:00.004+10:00

Please, can anyone tell me a filling for a toastie that doesn't involve cheese? I tried tuna and onion tonight which works perfectly well in a standard sarny but tastes like chipboard subsequent to the toasting process. I just can't think of anything that doesn't involve cheese.

Someone save me

2008-03-02T04:42:00.001+10:00

I have a large spidey in my house. Could someone less girly come and fix it please? Bring tow ropes.

Veggie meat juice

2008-03-02T03:06:00.001+10:00

If you're a dedicated veggie do you have to spit or is it acceptable to swallow?

How cool is my dad?

2008-03-02T00:36:00.002+10:00

A few bits of news for ya'll.

On Monday week the IT guy at one of our project sites is leaving. And to be an utter shit and cause maximum chaos his blaze of glory has been to issue an irretractable instruction to decomission an essential server here in Brisbane and have it's data relocated to North Australia.

The technical term for this is "Being an award worthy cunt".

And I've ended up with the task of making it happen. Fortunately, I like this kind of stuff. Anything is better than sitting in the office. Once I established that this server being out of action was going to cost us $1/4m every two hours I was given a limitless costcode with matching credit card. Mwah ha ha ha!

I now have 2 x 1Tb external HDD's sitting on my desk. I also have a pilot waiting to fly me to Gove in NT first thing on Friday morning. I'm going to make a full backup of the server on Wed night onto Drive 1. Then same on Thur night to Drive 2. Some people would call this "blatant increase of hours on timesheet for no real work". I call it "Safety in the form of reduntant backups". Although I think "Aaaah. Beer and smokos while waiting for a computer to do it's shit for ~~2.6~~ 5 hours."

So at a cost of over $10k I take my private jet to North Aus on Friday morning. This is easily justified as the moment the last backup is made I'm throwing the switch and the site will be out of action. And at the afore mentioned $1/4 per 2 hours, it's in company interest to get it up and running again. Commercial airlines will take 9 hours to get me there. Mr Private Jet gets me there in 3.

And this brings me onto the title of this post. How cool is my dad?

I rang him tonight to update him of these things. And the conversation went:

Me: ".....So, there's ya update. Pretty cool eh?"

Dad: "It's just you on this plane?"

Me: "Yep. And the pilot of course"

Dad: "And you're meeting him in the departure lounge and he's just walking you out to the jet and off you go?"

Me: "Yep"

Dad: "You've got enough gifting of the gabbing to talk anyone into anything. Haven't you always wanted to fly a jet plane son?"

Me: [Eyes open in wonderment] "Ow Wow! I didn't even think of that! Wow! Dad! You're awesome!"

Dad: "Just let me know how it goes compared to your stupid fast car and my stupid fast bike. And see if you can arrange to let me have a go next time I'm over"

I loves my dad. Even if I have to go down on the pilot, being on a learjet isn't enough now, I wanna fly me a learjet. I live for claims to fames.

Student Prank

2008-03-01T16:09:00.002+10:00

I heard a nice story yesterday about a student prank that occured a few years ago in Sydney. It was during rag week which is the time that students traditionally pull pranks. One lad noticed some road works going on, 5 or so men digging up a quiet back street.

So he calls the police and tells them that the work men are in fact students playing a prank. Then, with no time to lose he visits the work men and informs them some of his fellow students have anaged to get their hands on some police gear and will be along shortly to try and stop them from working.

Then he just sat back and watched the fun ensue. I like the guys style.

Latins

2008-02-29T03:29:00.003+10:00

Have you ever wondered what etc reallt means?

I doubt it as all my readers are clever sparks.

How about QED? That's Quad Erat Demonstrandum=It has been demonstrated

One of my personal mottos is a twist on this. QID. Quad irat demonstrandum

"It will be demonstrated"

All of you should consider that as a personal motto. When you believe it's gonna happen, it will. Simple as.

That's all. Muchius Luvius.

Rockstar update

2008-02-28T03:24:00.002+10:00

Forgot to mention. The meeting today with the very important "tough" guy went exceptionally well.

I sent him down to the kitchen on the floor below to fetch me some milk before the meeting even began. And I take my coffee black. It's just good to assert the tone before these things begin. He looked a little defected when I didn't use it but there we go. When I'm warned someone is tough I like to get the first bitch slap in.

We got on pretty well and mine was the only name he could remember out of a room full of people which is what I was after. I didn't swear at all other than casually. I did tell him I'd break his face if he called my database PCS rather than DCS one more time. All was good. Boss actually thanked me. Amazing.

THEN the ROCKSTAR thing happened. I've got to transfer a database from Brisbane to North Aus. All the time it's down it's costing us $120 000 per hour purely in lost labout. So with this in mind and the commercial airlines doing no direct flight, I'm now booked onto my OWN PRIVATE JET.

How cool is that? It's costing over $10000 but it will get me there in 3 hours whereas commerical with transfer takes 9 hours. I've also used the company Amex to buy an impressive range of toys which may possibly help but in all likelihood will be of much more use to me personally so I'll just keep them here.

Ooooh. It's been a fun day. Only downside, on the Leer jet there's no meals or hot aisle chicks. I'll take a porno mag instead.....

Global Blogger Meetup

2008-02-28T00:46:00.002+10:00

Ok peeps. Things are getting busy now. I'm gonna be away for a while before I fly out to GBM. Pls let me have your thoughs on the FREE Global Blogger Meetup T-shirts I'm providing.

It was gonna be a one-size-fits-none but since there are so few people we can get inividual sizes. Pls email required size to vuboq who will pass it on to me.

Additionally, any ideas for design appreciated. We've got two ideas but I'm really happy to hear more. Does anyone mind their blog address being printed on it? I wont be able to wear mine for casual fridays but if we go with that I'll wear it away from home lots!

Just throw me your ideas people. And pimp it some more! Btw, one or two people that have shown support but can't attend are getting honoury t-shirts so you're welcome to partake in this brainstorm. I'm sure you can guess who you are :)

Addiction and arrogance

2008-02-27T01:29:00.004+10:00

I've fallen into a bad habit recently. I've been chatting to UK, Canadanian and US friends on M$ Messenger until silly o clock in the morning most days recently.

So I'm very tired. I've been getting by on about 4 / 5 hours sleep per night for the last couple of weeks. Some nights I've just gone straight through and back into work.

Tonight Messenger is fucked. You'd think I'd seize the opportunity to catch up on some sleep. But instead I sit here with an expression akin to Homer Simpson clicking the "Connect" button every 2 minutes or so.

I miss my friends :(

In other news, our company just won a mega deal, one of the biggest ever. Tomorrow I've got a 5 hour meeting with the client to discuss their database requirements. I initially declined the meeting request and boss came running through and said "You CAN'T decline! This is hugely important and for some reason he asked specifically to see you!" Oh my boss is such a people person

I mailed the guy back and said I could do 2 hours max as I'm busy. I copied the boss who came running out almost immediately and said "You can't DO that! He's the client! He's hugely important!"

Me: "So I get paid extra for staying late do I?"

Boss: "Well, no, but you know it's really important"

Me: "I'm a contractor. It's not really anything to do with me. I just do my hours, cos if I do more, even in my own weekend, you question why"

Boss: "Come into my office and close the door"

[do so - ready to give a proper serve]

Boss: "I didn't want to say this in front of the others, but I'm sorry. It's only recently been brought to my attention how much work you've been doing that I've been unaware of"

Me: [Thinks: Yeah, RIGHT] "And?"

Boss: "I'd really appreciate it if you would meet with this guy. He's tough and very arrogant. Please meet with him but you mustn't swear or lose your temper with him. I'm pleading with you hard here Jay"

Me: [Thinks: Arrogant? Tough? Oh baby!] "Ok mate. I'll do it. But I'm going to put 2 extra hours on timesheet to cover the hassle"

I'm really looking forward to it now. I've been warned by a few people since that he's a tough cookie, but that makes it all the more funner. There are two possible outcomes. I'll have him eating out of my palm or I'll fuck up a multi million dollar contract for my company.

Isn't it odd that they give this task to lil' ol' contractor me rather than a real employee such as my So Called Manager? Anyone would think I was more capable than him or something? Oh, and they've advertised a position for someone to assist me when I get back from Global Blogger Meetup. Does that mean they're planning to keep me a little longer I wonder?

Meat free monday = veggie lasagna

2008-02-24T19:28:00.002+10:00

In preparation for tomorrows meat free day (I confess, I'm meat free most of the time now. But not for any special reason. I'm just content with it and don't feel guilty about the odd steak or bacon sarny) I decided I'd have a go at the most predictable item on any veg menu - veg lasagna, and see if I could make a good one.

Normally when I fancy lasagna I just go for my (bloody good) meat one so I wondered if I could make a (bloody good) veg one. I went to my fave recipe site to search for ideas. I normally read and mentally note ten or so recipes and then go off and do my own thing from the ideas. Even though in this case it aint complicated.

But I did giggle when I came across this. Yummy:

1 onion (chopped)
2 cloves garlic (minced)
1 (6 oz.) can tomato paste
1 (15 oz.) can tomato sauce
1 lg. can tomatoes
3 pkgs. chopped spinach, unfrozen and drained (shredded zucchini can be substituted)
6 eggs, hardboiled
1 pkg. wide lasagne noodles
3 pkgs. Mozzarella cheese, slices or shredded
1 can Marinara sauce

Combine first 5 ingredients in a large frying pan and saute lightly. Add spinach. Mix thoroughly. Layer the lasagne as follows:
1. vegetable mixture
2. uncooked lasagne noodles
3. hard boiled eggs
4. 1 pkg. Mozzarella cheese

Cover last layer of cheese with the Marinara sauce. Cover dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour. This dish is great as a dinner for about 12 people. It is terrific for left overs. You can also substitute hamburger.

Is it just me, or is that just stupid? Isn't it missing any kind of texture veg?! It's fucking pasta with tomato and cheese. And it serves 12?! With great leftovers?

Now I know what umpa-lumpas, pixies and leprechauns eat.

Only "great leftovers" cos no cunt will eat it.

In my humble opinion that would serve 2/3 people with a bowl of slop. Please feel free to correct me but I think it's that sort of shit that makes lots of people thing vegetarian diet is crap. With that, it fucking would be.

And substitute hamburger for what?! Mad I tells ya, mad.... Sorry for any offense. Please don't report me for me opinions. Again.

Gross post

2008-02-24T17:09:00.004+10:00

(Additional) Content Warning.
This is gross. If you really want to read it, scroll down. If you'd rather not (Recommended) then just scroll down until the red blur has gone.

Yesterday morning I woke up and instantly noticed an odd smell. I checked under the sheets but I hadn't shit the bed. Curious. The moment I walked into my living area the smell was definately worse. A kind of "Bins need emptying" smell. I went to the kitchen and the bin was virtually empty. And the kitchen didn't seem to smell so much.

I checked around the work surfaces for any food/leftovers I'd left out all night (It was already 30 degrees by the time I got up, food goes bad v quick here). There was none.

I shrugged, took the bin out, put the ceiling fans on high and went to my normal retreat outside.

A while later I went inside and the smell hadn't cleared. I searched the place high and low as it's not uncommon for me to have a plate of food and then put it down while looking for a CD or something and wander off forgetting about it.

Nothing.

Then I had a brainwave. Kitchen sink! It was still filled with washing up water from last night. Perhaps that had gone rank. I emptied it confident the smell would go.

Half an hour later - nope. Still smells bad. I began to wonder whether there was a dead mouse or something tucked away somewhere. Then Brainwave #2! I went to the microwave which is right at the living room end of the kitchen. I open the door and......eeeeewwwwwwww!

Bowl of furry vege noodles and a swarm of fruit flies eating them :( And the most unholy smell ever. After retching a bit and getting clean air from outside I held breath, went in, grabbed the bowl and took it straight to the outside bin where the bowl and contents were dropped at arms length.

I have since thoroughly bleached out the microwave even though the vileness was contained to a bowl. But I have two questions:

1) How do little fruit flies (Drosophila?) get into a microwave without the microwaves getting out? I'm confused.

2) How do noodles and veg smell so bad? Surely they should just dry out?

That is all. Sorry.

Science is easy with an oligomeric. I had one but the end fell off.

2008-02-23T17:36:00.003+10:00

Last night I was chatting with "This is how my head explodes" on messenger. Linky to left incase you've not checked her out yet. Someone had obviously added something to one of the 6 bottles of beer I'd consumed that had made me giggly and this messenger silliness ensued:

Head explodes: pentraxin is a good word, don't you think?

Me: wossit mean?

HE: its a class of protein - cyclic, oligomeric and calcium binding...

Me: I knew that I was just making sure you did

HE: yeah...

Me: I know all about it. Protein=meat, calcium=milk, cyclic=spinny and oligomeric doesn't matter. I can deduce it's when your milk turns into meat from too much stirring with an oglo thing - Science is easy

I don't think she believed me. Would I lie?

Environmentalists are gonna love it

2008-02-23T17:23:00.003+10:00

You know how petrol heads and environmentalists generally don't get on? With car pollution releasing all sorts of obnoxious gasses and the demands to rip up ever more country-side to build more roads?

Well, now the enviro's are probably gonna take out a hit on one Joe Harmon. A guy that's thought of a good use for all the trees that are being killed off. Build cars from them. And not just any car, but one that does 240mph to suck down even more juice.

The article quotes "British car company Morgan started making cars made from wood, and the company is currently one of the most successful British specialist car makers today". Ummm. I'm British and I wasn't aware that there were even any British car makers left apart from Lotus!

I'm amused by this.

Mystery solved

2008-02-21T00:13:00.004+10:00

So this is why they keep making me take this cube of plastic and silicon home....

They expect me to work? And use my electricity for the honour? There's only one thing I can possibly say. SUCK IT PRINCESS

Pimp my GBM

2008-02-16T14:48:00.008+10:00

Not "Gay Black Man" Mr V and you know it. Every time I type GBM I chuckle now.

Well, there are 6,602,224,175 people in the world and only 7 are attending the very first Global Blogger Meetup - March 15 - 18 2008, Washington DC, US. Although I've not asked, I'm stealing content from the V man to give you a run down:

Finally, I've been working on a Global Blogger Meet-Up schedule of events ... this is all tentative, but here goes:

March 15 (Saturday): Dinner at Mandalay in Silver Spring followed by VUBOQ's All Star Dessert and Vodka Birthday Party! (I suggested the vodka infustions, we're going pistacio and hairy ball (coconut of course)

March 16 (Sunday): Sight-seeing in beautiful Washington, DC. Sangria and tapas at Jaleo! Possibly clubbing at Cobalt! [Although I'm not sure how fun it is on a Sunday night. I will check.] We're going to cobalt. Has been decieded :) Gay bar! Gay Bar! Gonna take you to the Gay Bar! Yey!

March 17 (The Best Day of the Year): Afternoon Margaritas and Spinach Enchiladas at Alero, followed by a (smallish) Chili Party at the hacienda. I've promised Mr V brekky in bed. He's so lucky. I'm cooking it, 2c is taking it - it's a joint effort and I dont trust shielas to cook.

March 18 (Tuesday): Sight-seeing in beautiful Washington, DC (for those people who aren't leaving) ... or just blobbing around the house knitting, drinking, and eating leftovers.This is, of course, subject to change, but it gives you a general idea of the festivities, no? Sounds fun?

We've enlisted Asians, Canadanians, Americans, Europeans, Quasi-aussies, Boys, Girls, Gays, Straights and Bi's to come along for your social enjoyment. Why aren't you coming? You know it's gonna be awesome.

So far we're clocking up 27412 airmiles so our carbon footprint aint so hot, but hell....It's gonna be awesome fun as we'll match that figure in litres of alcyhols consumed...

If you're coming then let me know asap, if you're not then I'll need a letter from your parents explaining why not. You've been warned.

Dont forget, I'm "ENTERTAINMENT MANAGER" for the event so we're all gonna have lots of fun. And you get a free t-shirt! And I'm working on getting a karaoke event shoe horned in! Talking of T shirts, I need to speak to the 6 other special attendees soon, so keep tuned.

Have an awesome weekend people :)

Hmmm

2008-02-15T22:29:00.002+10:00

Three years ago to the minute I was making love with tt in Cairns. I have a memory for such things.

I hope you're ok tt, I still love you of course. x x x

That is all.

Happy Valentines!

2008-02-14T23:02:00.003+10:00

If male gay then "Hope you get (/to give) a poke up the botty"

If female gay then "Hope you get (/to give) a good licky sesh"

If hetero/swing both ways, either male or female, see above.

We're all the same really.

See? Valentines is when I get romantic..... I'm a sweet talker me.

Don't let me near you

2008-02-14T01:32:00.002+10:00

...or you'll open up like a Yarmouth girl seeing a fiver.

My company took my security card from me today. I'm one of a rare breed that has access all areas cos a ~~dumb-arsed~~ user with special IT needs may need my assistance anywhere. In fact, it's such an access-all I can enter anywhere in any QLD office building belonging to our company or clients.

The trouble is. It was too powerful. Not just in terms of the access it gives me but the power of the card itself. Normally you have to walk up to a door and wave the card somewhere near the scan pad.

My being totally over the top has spread to my card it would seem. I walk down a corridoor to a series of beeps, pips and buzzes. It's a bit like when Clint Eastwood walk slowly towards the baddies with the bumpkin music going to each step.

I stride slowly down the corridoor to "Beep beep pip buzzzzzz". The other workers dive for cover as my fingers flex near the Blueberry in my belt....

Someone undocks there lappy from a dock station and runs for the hills....

I pull out my cordless mouse and coolly say "Yeah, I know what you're wondering. That thing has enough charge for a million clicks. Has he done a million clicks? Well, to be honest, I've kinda lost count meself. So fuckwit....You feeling lucky?"

Sorry. Went of on one there, and I've not even smoked anything green.

Anyhoo, yeah, they've taken away my card cos my wombling around the building was leaving the place with more holes than swiss cheese.

I'm getting a new one tomorrow and I'm gonna stick it to my groin so I have to grind me boy bits against the sensors. Bet I get my old one back v soon.

Special Agent 009

2008-02-11T18:33:00.000+10:00

A couple of weeks ago I realised my rent has gone up by 11% in the time I've lived here. My pay however, hasn't changed. Most likely because when I began work it was only supposed to be a 3 month contract and hense we hadn't negotiated any rise scheme.

However, despite my "unique attitude towards work" I have assumed and performed more duties and built client confidence. I hate to think how much money I've saved the company but I know it must now be running into $m's.

So, rarely one to be shy, I called my agent and told him he needed to negotiate a raise for me. He said he'd apply for 5% which would most likely get knocked down to 3%, would that be acceptable?

Although I like my agent I gave him rather a serve and enlightened him to some expletives he didn't know even existed let alone could be strung tongether into a two minute barrage of insults culminating with me saying I'd remove myself from his books immediately and find someone else.

Although he only takes 1% of my wages I'm still a nice little earner for him and he didn't like the idea of that.

He called today to tell me although the company policy was to never increase pay by more than 5% pa he's negotiated me a 9% raise effective from today.

Woot. That means I can take 9% more vay kays with no loss in earnings! (See? Unique attitude!)

See what can happen when you put your mind to something Mr Agent?

Te He.

Anniversary

2008-02-10T21:18:00.000+10:00

I realised today that today marks the 3rd year anniversary of my first entry to Australia.

It feels so much longer! Since then I've been to UK x 5, France x 2, Holland x 3, Germany x 3, Poland, Hungary, Czech Republic, Spain, Greece x 2, Slovakia, Slovinia, New Zealand, Japan, Malaysia, UAE, Italy, Peru, Bolivia, US x 2, Brunei, Greek islands and China.

What a busy boy I've been. Time flies when you're having fun eh?

This is my bridge, my favourite thing in Aus thus far: [Yay!]

It's the Storey bridge and visible from my house.

This is my phobia. My only dislike about Aus: [Shudder]

It's a Huntsman spidey. Who built a web in just one day from my table to the wall and decided to hang above my head until I noticed him and shit me self.

He can move lightening quick, he can jump, he can bite. But he's only mildly poisonous. And he's dead. He broke.

A message

2008-02-09T18:13:00.000+10:00

Dear Ex-neighbour,

G'day you kiwi wanker.

Despite the fact you're prolly my best friend in Aus I must seize this opportunity to say you're a total and utter cunt. I know that's not an unusual thing for me to say to you but in this instance it's from the bottom of my heart.

Why oh why did you show me that flash deli last weekend?

I've had some vino today so I may not drive. I've had some vino so I can hardly walk. I've had some vino so I took a taxi.

Taxi bill=$12
Steak bill=$31

Yes. $31. I could go to Straylias best renowned steak restaurant (The brekky creek) and get an awesome feed with all the garnishing a couple of pints for that.

But you just had to visit last weekend and show me the deli from hell didn't you? And then bring it back here and bbq it to perfection didn't you? You total fucker.

I'm now addicted to steaks that are verging on UK prices you prize winning nobhole.

Enjoy your vay-kay. I'm about to fire up the bbq and roast me some moo. I truly believe the thought of that will make your first night away suck. And of course, that's my revenge for you showing me the fucking place.

Your loving (in a non gay way) ex-neighbour,

Jay

PS. Mmmmmmm, which of my home made sauces that make you drool should I use? Oh I know, ALL of them. Suck it cunt.

Belated

2008-02-09T16:09:00.000+10:00

Did you know it's traditional to stay up all night for Chinese New Year?

I didn't but I now feel I should be given honoury citizenship as I did.

On a totally different note, someone that shall remain nameless implied that I was an "Anal Fistula" last night. I had no idea what that was so I googled it.

"An anal fissure is a superficial linear tear in the anoderm most commonly caused by passage of a large, hard stool."

For any normal people I can translate:

"Aw mate, ya know when you curl a big floaty into the dunny an' it really hurts yer arse? That's cos you've got a fist in yer arse....."

Yes. I could be a doctor.

Explanation

2008-02-09T15:41:00.000+10:00

Last night I was feeling v lazy, v drunk and v hungry.

So to address all 3 issues I decided to cook some snack noodles in microwave.

My microwave lives on top of my fridge-freezer. It's content and happy there.

After the two minute ping I removed them to stir about. And then I decided that some frozen veg chucked in would make them a whole lot more edible. I don't really understand why I thought that cos at the time I was hungry enough to eat the saddle of a wooden rocking horse.

Consider this pic (Which was taken after the event:

So you see the microwave happy on top of the freezer? Well, I put the bowl of noodles right in front of the microwave. aka, on the freezer.

Then of course I needed the frozen veg to add. So in drunken stupor I just open the freezer.

This is when the matrix bit happens.

In slow mo I see the bowl falling. I think "noooooooooooooooo!" and slam the freezer door shut.

I look down to the floor and see this:

Yeah. Fucking noodles everywhere. But where's the smashed glass bowl?

After checking and rechecking that it wasn't embedded in my leg or something I tentatively open the freezer....

Look at bottom right shelf.

Totally awesome. Somehow, in a defiance of gravity the noodles made a journey to make a mess on my floor but my lightening reflexes despite drunkeness to the n'th degree managed to save my bowl. And even file it neatly.

I lie not. These pics are exactly as it happened.

And being an uber nerd my first thought was "Shit. I can't blog about this, no one will believe it"

But bollocks, now ya know about the very random post two ago....

If you're unhappy and you know it...

2008-02-09T00:41:00.000+10:00

Clap your hands and move the circus on.

Life's too short people! Fucking deal with the drama and get on with it :)

This will make more sense to some than others. Normal service will resume shortly

BE HAPPY.

Dripping noodles, the matrix and FLASH

2008-02-08T21:05:00.000+10:00

I just had to sms a regular commenter and very good friend about this. The Dr.

The sms said something like "Something totally awesome just happened. So unbelievable I can't blog about it :( Just call me flash"

But the more I look at the situation and try to work it out, the less able I am to not take photos and tell the world about my awesome skills, catlike reactions and ability to defy the laws of physics.

Newton: Suck my boy bits when you're done watching apples fall from trees

Possibly more later. I like to have readers in suspenders.....

That'll fuck 'em

2008-02-07T21:42:00.000+10:00

Earlier today my hifi suddenly went silent. I walked inside and discovered the volume display showing 0. "Hmmmm. Odd" I think and turn it up again.

Two minutes later it went silent again. I went inside and the same thing had happened. "Ah." I think and I fix it.

How did I fix it? Well...

Back when I was a scallywag I had a great idea for being an arse. I bought one of those "control everything" remote controls with an auto set-up feature. Then I'd walk around the static caravans in the holiday park in my village at night time, point it through the window and take control of peoples TVs.

I'd change channels, adjust the volume etc as they were watching and cause all sorts of confusion.

I remembered this in a flash. So I put a small piece of package tape over the remote control receive without even looking out of the window at my neighbour who was prolly hiding by then anyway.

I've not had a problem since.

This is why the expression "set a thief to catch a thief" exists.

Air Canada....

2008-02-07T21:08:00.000+10:00

....have graduated to the list on companies I hold a vendetta against.

Try and visit the site from Australia and the cheap flights aren't listed. Visit it from Canada and they are.

Visit from Canada and try to use an Aus credit card to book and they tell you to use the Australian site.

Call them and after an hour on hold they hang up. Three times in a row.

When you finally speak to someone they are so helpful they tell you "Well. It should work. Try again. Bye." [click]

Wankers.

Silly

2008-02-06T01:05:00.000+10:00

Two sailors become victims of a ship wreck. They wash up on a dessert island. A tribe of cannibals discover them and inform them that they're about to become main course.

Unless.......

They can perform......

"The challenge of fruit!"

The sailors gladly agree, thinking nothing can be worse than being on the wrong side of a dinner pot. The chief tells them they must each go into the jungle and return to him with 100 pieces of fruit.

They rock off into the jungle.

An hour later one returns and says "Oh mighty chief, I've brought you 100 grapes. May I leave now?"

"NO! First you must complete the challenge. In front of all my people you must insert each fruit into your anus. If you so much as snigger or giggle you're cooked"

The sailor agrees.

After just two grapes he bursts into hysterical laughter.

"NOW YOU WILL BE COOKED! You didn't even entertain my people for one minute!" fumes the chief.

"I'm sorry chief. It's my Captain.....He's still out in the jungle collecting pineapples......"

On another note, COME TO Global Blogger Meetup! DC, March 15 - 18! Meet ~~all your fave bloggers~~ Me! (Actually, there's a list here)

Mama Mia!

2008-02-04T22:07:00.000+10:00

I remember, back in the homeland. My mama used to cooka da best spaghetti.

She hadda da patience to wait for it to soften and then curl it into da saucepan.

Then before she served her hungry familia she'd......

Cut it into small pieces with scissors so we wouldn't make a mess.

Tonight it occured to me, why the hell didn't she just snap it up before chucking it in the fuckin' pan?

Seriously, you sheilas need fuckin lessons in logic......

PS. I hope none of you are professional killers.
PPS. Who said I couldn't be random?

A most bemusing day

2008-02-01T21:06:00.000+10:00

Sorry for not posting much, I've done nothing but work recently. Things have been hectic.

Today my "manager", the one that daren't talk to me because I scare him, overheard me on the phone to a coworker. Specifically he heard me talking about one of our clients and me saying "Yeah, they've got a new IT guy and he's complete cunt".

When I got of the phone this convo occured. Bless his little cotton socks:

So called manager: "Ummmm. Did I hear what I think I did?"
Me: "Errr. Dunno? What did you think I said?" [genuinely]
SCM: "You called one of our clients a word I can't repeat"
Me: "No. Definately not. I called him a 'cunt' not 'a word I can't repeat' "
[phone rings]

That made me giggle. A few minutes later, despite closed door I caught the end of a conversation in boss's office

SCM: "But it's disrespectful! You really should say something"
Boss: "It's the way he is. We're never gonna change him"
SCM: "I think it's wrong"
Boss: "Everyone here loves him. He insults them to their faces and they just laugh. It's just part of his character. He's a mate to everyone"

I wonder what on earth they were talking about? He He He. Go boss.

Later on I was on phone to another person in the company and trying to work out where the hell their office was. In the end I said "I'll ask [boss], he knows which bits of the building I know" and left it at that. I asked boss and being a wise arse he replied "Downstairs". I turned around to him and said "For fuck sake mate! You're as useful as mud flaps on a bloody tortoise!" SCM almost fainted but boss and everyone else just laughed.

I think I've made an enemy with SCM.

Later, something else happened. I can't really talk about it on here. But it was extremely funny. Chicks can be very possesive eh? Oh, I'm giggling thinking about it :) Sometimes they shock me by being even dirtier than me too....

Weekend work related fun-ness

2008-01-28T15:08:00.000+10:00

Last week a client reported a drama with one of my databases. She claimed it had lost data. I offered to look into it over the long weekend.

Luckily we have technolgy which enables us to use any internet connected PC to connect to our office workstations and use them as though we were in front of them.

Furthermore, our work PC's allow those with permissions to take over the control of any other PC on the company network. Hence, from sitting here on my deck I can effetively access any one of the tens of thousands of PC's on our network.

Only of course, if they're turned on.

The dumb bint that reported the drama had switched hers off. I tried various IP addresses in a similar range but none of them had access to the drive I needed.

After about a dozen or so attempts I decided to get a bit naughty. After all, it's a long weekend and no one would be utilising the power at our disposal.

I chained together the server farms in Brisbane, Sydney and Perth and dedicated the entire processing power into one task. A brute force attack on our sysadmins password.

My home PC isn't too badly spec'd but this would have taken an estimated 6 days. Chuck 30 industry strength servers at the drama and suddenly within 6 minutes there's no longer an issue.

I logged in as sysadmin, mapped the drive I needed and extracted the files I required. The results were unshocking. We employ shadowing on our drives so I was able to recover copies of the file from today back to the day the drama occured.

On the 11th of Jan she deleted the records in question. My database didn't drop them, SHE DELETED THEM. I know this because she made a half arsed attempt to cover her tracks. She didn't realise I have what I refer to as "My Secret Squirrel" A redundant copy of every record entered. The two don't match up.

I don't know what she was thinking when she deleted them, and gods only know she made a poor effort at covering her tracks. I can restore everything, but the point is, she tried to blame ME. So the moral dilema is, do I just fix it for her or do I shrug and walk away?

I thought everyone at my company had got the hint by now - DO NOT INCURE THE WRATH OF THE POMMIE DATABASE GUY! HIS SOFTWARE CALCULATES YOUR WAGES!

I guess I've answered my own question. She's too ugly to root so I guess someones getting a pay cut this week. Good job she'll be putting in plenty of over time re-entering that data eh?

Ooops. Did someone overwrite the record showing overtime as time and a half? Dang.

Yeah. I know I'm a cunt.

Guess what?

2008-01-27T13:51:00.000+10:00

So. Hung. Over.

That is almost all. Aussie Aussie Aussie!

So FUCKING Proud

2008-01-26T19:11:00.000+10:00

I've lived in three continents and many homes. I've been happy in all of them. Nothing however compares to here.

Today is AUSTRALIA DAY and I feel honoured to be here. Things with tt didn't work but she gave me the best gift ever - an insite into Australia.

To see so many people being so patriotic brought tears to my eyes. Literally. Straylia, I love you, we're never gonna be apart. I'm dying here. To any Aussie readers, GO ON! BE PROUD, BE AUSSIE, BE THE BEST! AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! If you're really good, "QUEENSLANDER!"

So proud. Thanks for having me Straylia.....Thanks for the introduction tt. Thank you QLD, you're the fucking best.

Sad news

2008-01-23T00:24:00.000+10:00

Every now and again I mention H. She's such a dear friend we've now adopted each other as bro and sis.

She told me today about some very sad news that's just happened. This is the downside of living 10 000 miles away from friends and family. All I want to do is give her a hug.

I ask you all to give her a thought and send her positive thoughts during this sad time for her.

Huge hugs H (pud). Thinking of you x

My life

2008-01-20T22:12:00.000+10:00

A few nights ago I was chatting with Ms. Lost on IM and I mentioned that I had an idea for a post that could be used as a meme.

Basically, list years from 2007 to earliest you can remember and next to each year write down what you remember most from that year. But keep it as limited as possible, not a life story. People may ask you for more info on something whih gives you subject for future posts. Here's what I mean. Pls join in. Consider yourselves "tagged". (How do I do that btw?!)

2007 - 31 - Peru trip with tt, UK/Eurotrip with S

2006 - 30 - Moving to Aus, started blog

2005 - 29 - Physically meeting tt in Aus, Eurotrip with tt

2004 - 28 - Met N, My company nominated for big award

2003 - 27 - My nan died :( - I rushed my dad to the hospital and got tangled with police but we still didn't arrive in time :(

2002 - 26 - Met tt online, Travelled to SA and Carribean, formed my third company

2001 - 25 - Lost huge amount of weight, travelled with work.

2000 - 24 - Met Jas, Progressed from temp worker to software development manager in 2 months. Got irate at people claiming the y2k was a hoax. Grr! We just fucking fixed it ok?!

1999 - 23 - Neice born, split with first serious g/f, My dog dies :(

1998 - 22 - Grandad died :(, Quit first real job and formed my first company

1997 - 21 - Wild years of sex, drugs and rock and roll, I remember very random threesomes, meeting tartantula on a trike.

1996 - 20 - wild years of sex, drugs and rock and roll, Playing pool, scrapping, running away, being bad.

1995 - 19 - First own house, First real job in IT, first holiday on own overseas

1994 - 18 - Met H, Started dating first serious g/f, started smoking :(

1993 - 17 - Passed driving test - gained freedom. First legal barjob

1992 - 16 - Graduated high school with good results. Sailed all summer

1991 - 15 - Suspended from high shool - embarrasing

1990 - 14 - Learnt about bullying - defend yourselves people, school friend comitted suicide :(

1989 - 13 - Learnt french the best way - going there for a bit and spending evenings in bars

1988 - 12 - Quit last year of previous school, took time in france, then started high school, met Dr. Ips

1987 - 11 - Rocked the school with a satire mock script of the class teacher, Got my dog!

1986 - 10 - First IT job (for Halliburton)

1985 - 9 - First encounter with police

1984 - 8 - Arm broken by school bully

1983 - 7 - Other grandparents died :(

1982 - 6 - Ran away from school cos hated new teacher

1981 - 5 - Started school

1980 - 4 - First bully encounter - had jelly cube stolen at preschool

1979 - 3 - Operation on my eyes which hurt lots

1978 - 2 - Can't remember

1977 - 1 - Can't remember

1976 - 0 - Born

As you'll realise, it's pretty hard to summarise your life. Fun though, I found. And the best bit? I don't regret a fucking thing! (With exception to the mentioned passing aways - bless all of them, they're fondly remembered always)

Owwie

2008-01-20T20:31:00.000+10:00

I just swallowed a little piece of tooth as I chipped it. Now I'm gonna bite meself on the arse. Great.

Bread

2008-01-20T02:00:00.000+10:00

Dykewife knows everything every mum should know. She'll know the answer to this but I'd value other peoples ideas:

Where in the kitchen should bread be stored? (Hint: Pomms have bread bins)

Cooking like a shiela

2008-01-17T21:17:00.000+10:00

I put a cheese sarny in the toaster the other night. Then a friend called from Ireland. Dr Oopyp Enis in fact, a regular commenter.

Cos of cold I didn't smell it burning. Two hours later I took this out....

To show just exactly how burnt it was, I dropped it onto concrete from waist height. This happened.

Now erase this from your memory.

Shock. Big Surprise

2008-01-15T00:55:00.000+10:00

I miss tt.

For the last week or so it's been gnawing at me that something is wrong.

How is it possible to miss someone 9 months after split?

I guess the fact I have a tat to remind me of her partially answers that. She moved me to 'Straylia. I love this place. I've never been so proud of anywhere.

Anyone that can look this good after 4 days hiking the Inca trail has to be pretty fucking awesome

Dont worry bout me, I'll be fucking hard as diamond come tomorrow. Guaranteed.

A walky

2008-01-14T22:11:00.000+10:00

I didn't go into work until late today. I was feeling a bit better on the cold front but I was feeling a little bit beaten up. I wonder why?

When I did make it in I had a funny email. The only person I really dislike has been sacked for "Inapropriate interaction with co-workers". I read the email and giggled. Then I read it again and giggled some more. Then I went to my boss and said "Hey, did you know Dennis has been sacked?" Boss asked who Dennis was.

I shuffled feet a little and said "You remember, that guy I kinda didn't get on with? Down in NSW?" Boss says "Ah. The one you told to 'suck your boy bits' and then told his breathing was a 'waste of oxygen'? The one who's boss I had to call to justify your response?"

Umm. Yeah. That's the one.

Anyhoo, I still wasn't feeling shit hot so I left a bit after that. I went for a walk about. I took some photos cos I promised to post more pics.

I found the (Trees) amusing. And the sorry for any inconvenience. Man I needed a tree today.

This is a pretty flower in my garden. I'm in touch with my female side.

Then I found a mushroom outside my place. Bloody mushroom in Aus. Wow.

Yeah, Spider next to my ute. Big here eh?

This beetle was about 2cm round. It was like a giant lady bird.

Finally, it happened....

2008-01-13T22:12:00.001+10:00

I got beaten up. Sort of. I think I have a bust nose.

Desipte my weekend I decided to pop out tonight.

I went to a place called Birdee Num Num. I like it there cos it's a back packer place and I get to chat with poeple from all over the world.

Tonight though, it went wrong. There were some Irish guys in. I was talking away to an Italian chick when one of the Irish barged in. I didn't mind. It was obvious he was drunk. I stood up, but very casually. When Italian girl asked him to give her some space (he was right in her face) I helped him stagger backwards.

His mates saw this, thought I was abusing him, and it all went pear shaped. They were just waiting for any excuse.

Number 1 got a classic beckon and haymaker.
Number two ducked that but got a left hand back fist.
Number three was about to get a haymaker when 4 grabbed be from behind. Fuckers.

It was the shock of that that allowed number 3 to get in a good punch right to my face central. My nose kinda exploded. Number 4 still kept hold of me so 3 could line up a kick. I knew that would do me in so I relaxed everything. 4 couldn't hold a dead weight and he came down with me.

I gave him an awful left elbow to face. Harder than I should have. I feel worse about that that anything. The pain from my face and literally seeing blood just made me lose my normal control.

3 reached for pocket and I thought he was going for a knife or worse. So I stopped him. His arm isn't going to be much use for a while.

I feel awful now, but I just didn't want to be stabbed or hurt any more.

Going bed now. Sad.